destroyed4sho Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) Even if they came back to you.....YOU WILL NOT WANT THEM BACK. Yes, even if you swear up and down they were the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE...and you would., you would do anything to get them back RIGHT NOW etc.... I had an experience , basically my ex emailed me after about 3 months NC... talking about she misses me & loves me etc ........(turns out it was a bunch of CRAP...and didn't mean much...that is another story). Anyway, the point is..when she emailed me the first time I actually thought that she was leading the convo to get back together...and I took a moment and thought to myself "do I REALLY want to get back with her?" Surprisingly, at that moment, my answer was "NO, I cant afford to be hurt again like this. It would be a big risk for me to accept someone back that has this affect on me. I would fear they would dump me again and therefore have control/power over me and the relationship" After they hurt us like this..it is very very very difficult to forgive, forget, and start a new relationship. It would take so much strength, forgiveness, self-control, and mind-control to accept them back and start a new healthy relationship free of any resentment or fear of being rejected again. Unless your someone that can DELETE all memories of the past ...it seems to me almost impossible. When someone dumps you it is the ULTIMATE rejection....how can you possibly ever forgive/forget that?? Edited March 17, 2013 by destroyed4sho 5
na49 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I wonder about this too. As much as I shouldn't want my ex to come back ever because once a cheater always a cheater. Just the thought of us getting together again seems so ridiculous to me. How am I supposed to trust her again? I wouldn't want to be controlling, but I would go insane any time I heard she went out with one of her friends. Not to mention I don't really like her new friends. They were the people she went to when she was mad at me and they were the people who told her to dump me. They were the people who said the douche rocket is a better fit for her than me and justified her cheating while she was doing it. I'm supposed to respect these people? Also I wouldn't be the same obedient dog who puts up with her crap she used to date because I'm developing some self esteem and a backbone. So who knows if she'd even like the "new me". If she was capable of dumping me once. She's capable of dumping me again. If she's capable of leaving me once she finds someone "better", she'd probably be on the lookout and do it again. As much as I love her. As much as I hate her. I don't think I could ever go back to her. Not after everything I've been going through since the BU. Give me a chance with a new girl that I'm really into over a second chance with my ex. I need a fresh start. 7
travelonic Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) Even if they came back to you.....YOU WILL NOT WANT THEM BACK. Yes, even if you swear up and down they were the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE...and you would., you would do anything to get them back RIGHT NOW etc.... As I have said before, it really is dependent on a lot of things - the nature of the breakup, the people involved, why, the amount of time spent between breakup and reconciliation to cool off and grow/think things through, etc. TBH, I find it hard to take seriously a post that starts "let's face it, and paints an opinion **THAT HOLDS TRUE FOR A TON [MAYBE EVEN MOST] OF CIRCUMSTANCES** as an absolute for EVERY case/gives the impress that nothing else is true. Not because of my tendency to over analyze things, but because of the simple fact that there are many valid outcomes - you just don't know which **exact** path your life will take so far as reconciliating or not, or at least becoming more understanding, or on good terms with your ex - and the nuances within - as those come in time [on top of being influenced by the specifics of the relationship, breakup, and people involved]. Let's face it, it isn't all black and white, no matter how many words you all-caps, or how may times you repeat yourself - there is a fair amount to take into consideration ON TOP OF allowing yourself the time to heal, and get to the point where you can think clearly if or when that time comes. Just my opinion, but thinking this way is to me just as jaded as thinking only that they will come back, or if they do, that it always works, as it is just as devoid of allowing yourself from seeing that the opposite situations are possible/likely, which outcomes being likely believe it or not depending on a number of things - even if those things are not consciously considered, but subconsciously considered. I mean, merely the fact that we've seen all walks of life - people not getting back together, people trying to and failing, people trying to and succeeding, and whatever cases I have not listed out, that alone should tell you there is no ONE SINGULAR way things work out in the long run. Edited March 17, 2013 by travelonic 2
McDonald Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 She has changed... I have changed. It wouldnt be the same. Also... before I proclaim that my ex was the best one for me... I feel as if i NEED to date other girls.. then maybe.. just maybe I could say okay we did have something good. but thats in the future. For now, I have to find other girls who will like me for who I am. 2
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 She has changed... I have changed. It wouldnt be the same. Also... before I proclaim that my ex was the best one for me... I feel as if i NEED to date other girls.. then maybe.. just maybe I could say okay we did have something good. but thats in the future. For now, I have to find other girls who will like me for who I am. I kind of feel the same. He's changed big time. I told him this too while we were together..that he changed. There was nothing wrong with him changing, but he just wasn't doing the things he used to do for us..and he became a lot more hostile and arguments began to break out more often near the BU. I feel he and I would need to date new people..and if one day were still both single and haven't found anyone..i MIGHT give it another shot. it depends if I could get over what was done to me. People do change and some people learn and grow from their mistakes..it all depends.
na49 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I just want to date again so I know that I'm capable of loving someone who isn't her. People do change and so do their feelings. We're all young and so were the people we were dating. They obviously didn't want to be tied down by us for the rest of their lives and wanted to see/meet new people instead. It sucks because of how we felt about them. I saw myself marrying my ex, she was that great. I told myself "I will never dump her". Well I never did dump her. She dumped me. oh well that's life. 1
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I just want to date again so I know that I'm capable of loving someone who isn't her. People do change and so do their feelings. We're all young and so were the people we were dating. They obviously didn't want to be tied down by us for the rest of their lives and wanted to see/meet new people instead. It sucks because of how we felt about them. I saw myself marrying my ex, she was that great. I told myself "I will never dump her". Well I never did dump her. She dumped me. oh well that's life. same thing with me lol... I saw myself marrying him and so did he...he even picked out a name if we were to ever have a son..it was kinda crazy, but it made me look forward to being with him in the future.. I never saw myself dumping him at all, and he even told me he didnt want to be tied down..or erm, he said his mom said he shouldn't. Well hopefully one day they'll realize they left someone crazy about them.
McDonald Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 my ex did everything in her power to make sure I would leave her.. like have me stop talking to other girls who were my friend... coudlnt go out on weekends because :she didnt want to" Now she goes out all the time with this guy... parties all the time.. while we were dating she told me how much she hated drinking.. now she does it all the time with him. I allowed myself to get trapped and she broke up with me when she found something else...
grace777 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 For me, I would not take her back. Not now anyways - who's to say what it would be like in a couple of years if something re-developed..? Idk - but the circumstances with my ex are different. She's in her early 20's and in college with a year and a half to go, and I'm 35, moving forward quickly in my career. The age difference and the distance (since she went to school two states away) played a major role in why we didn't work out. Still, she treated me like complete sh** during the breakup. That week and the month following, she was like a whole other person - a monster really. But the years we were together before then were amazing, and loving and perfect. The consistency in all of this is, she was young. She was super young when she fell in love with me (do I discount the love she felt, dealt, proclaimed?..no), and she was super young when she treated me horribly in the breakup (do I discount this either?..no). So, time will tell. But we, too, had baby names picked out, wedding venues chosen, major future plans - things can change on a dime. I value what I had with her, but it is over. And I 100% would not take her back now, in 6 months or in a year. The only way that a reconciliation MAY be possible, would be when she graduates college - if and only if, I feel she's matured and we both still have the connection we shared for so many years. I do still feel our love was special, but I'm finally at a place where I've moved on. And at least that feels good. 1
Thunderchild Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) No, I don't want my ex back in my life. After 5 years, she cheated on me, fell pregnant to the other guy and then bailed. I now suspect that she had been cheating before the so-called "Xmas Party Incident". It took her two months to 'fess up. Could I ever trust her in the future? I very much doubt it. She would have to show major and significant changes in her behaviour and attitude over a long period of time at that "if ever" future point. I heard nothing but a load of excuses and attempts to blame me for her actions at the break up (which I challenged). She is unwilling to or incapable of being responsible for her actions. That kind of denial takes years to break down - if ever. And, tbqh, the way she is now, I can't see that ever happening. I'm moving on and have my own plans for the future. I have a shot at achieving my dream of a full-time (professional) literary career and want to start and raise a family, and, if she ever '...gets her act together' it will be way too late for what I need. At this moment in time, she's 44, the trust is utterly shattered and I have no respect for her whatsoever. Whatever feelings I still have are for someone who may or may not have existed at some point in the past. Edited March 17, 2013 by Thunderchild
Simon Phoenix Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 You teenagers talking about marriage are crazy. Ugh. Way too early in your lives for thoughts like that to be talked about. 1
McDonald Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 You teenagers talking about marriage are crazy. Ugh. Way too early in your lives for thoughts like that to be talked about. I wish I found this site before I starting dating! I would have been a pro haha 1
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 You teenagers talking about marriage are crazy. Ugh. Way too early in your lives for thoughts like that to be talked about. Ahahaha Yeah true true, but at that moment it was a cute thing to think of to me...although it does raise our expectations which can lead to bigger disappointments (which it did). it was just a cute thing to think of the future like that. Now that reality has set in....it is crazy
SharkTooth Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 There's a lot to be said about ex's changing and us changing. The whole 'getting back together' thing just sounds like we knew each other, we loved each other, we were comfortable with each other so let's just give it another shot. Truth is, the change has made us all different people. Small changes here, big changes there. I'm thinking that the whole possibility of getting back together would be starting fresh, like the whole dating and getting to know each other. Just like you didn't know each other that well. Then and only then would you really be able to answer the question of do you really want them back. I talked to my ex a few days ago about work (had to) and it had been over a month since we talked. I got this strange feeling that she didn't have what it takes to get me back to the feelings I had for her. Of course now she's throwing bread crumbs and I can handle them. Maybe I just got to the next stage of the heal and it's down hill from here. I'm hoping that's the case. But yeah, I've thought about that for a while and in the beginning it was a no brainier but now I'm 80% sure I don't think I would 2
soccerrprp Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 There's a lot to be said about ex's changing and us changing. The whole 'getting back together' thing just sounds like we knew each other, we loved each other, we were comfortable with each other so let's just give it another shot. Truth is, the change has made us all different people. Small changes here, big changes there. I'm thinking that the whole possibility of getting back together would be starting fresh, like the whole dating and getting to know each other. Just like you didn't know each other that well. Then and only then would you really be able to answer the question of do you really want them back. I talked to my ex a few days ago about work (had to) and it had been over a month since we talked. I got this strange feeling that she didn't have what it takes to get me back to the feelings I had for her. Of course now she's throwing bread crumbs and I can handle them. Maybe I just got to the next stage of the heal and it's down hill from here. I'm hoping that's the case. But yeah, I've thought about that for a while and in the beginning it was a no brainier but now I'm 80% sure I don't think I would ...but there's the WHOPPING 20% that meddles with your sensibilities that often make us do things that we otherwise wouldn't. I hear you though..
Simon Phoenix Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Ahahaha Yeah true true, but at that moment it was a cute thing to think of to me...although it does raise our expectations which can lead to bigger disappointments (which it did). it was just a cute thing to think of the future like that. Now that reality has set in....it is crazy Yeah, it's immature talk at that age from an immature ex. But your ex is 16? He's supposed to be an immature clown unfortunately. Heck, I'm double his age and I'm a clown. Also, in reading your posts, you actually seem decently mature for your age. I think you might want to look a bit older, or at least the same age, for your next guy. You don't see girls your age go younger, especially girls who seem to be as well-spoken as you are. Just food for thought. But yeah, your dude is a clown, but so are 99.98 percent of dudes his age. Odds are you would have gotten sick of him relatively quickly even if he didn't pull the plug on you. 1
SharkTooth Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Yeah, you're right. I thought I was a pro at break ups. Been there, done all that. But then the "one" comes along and everything you've learned doesn't seem to make sense. 20% is huge in love. Although I'd never bet that on the ponies and I don't even know them
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