Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I have never done anything like this before so bare with me. I have been married for almost 19 years to my high school sweet heart. We met when we were 16 and I have loved him since that time. Last June I found out from a text on his phone that he was leaving me. He moved out in June and hasnt been back since. I was devastated. These past almost 9 months have been extremly hard on me. I feel so unwanted and unlovable and like a failure. My marriage and my children are the things i hold most sacred in this workd and it was ripped away. Through these months we have had lots of contact and have tried spending time together. He started seeing a therapist and has picked our marriage apart and see's no redeemable things in me or our marriage. Since seeing this therapist he just stopped talking to me or spending time with me and just wants space from me. He even told me that hes about done with our marriage. I am so devastated by this. Things have happened to him in the last six years and he had changed and I no longer fit in his new life. I'm not saying that I am perfect or that I had the perfect marriage but I have been a dedicated wife and mother since I was 18. I have supported him through work, school, the death of his sister, health problems and a suicide attempt. I am very bitter because I gave him and our children everything I have and he just throws me away, it breaks my heart. I have been a stay at home mom since I was 18 years old and have no schooling. He makes good money so he will be fine, but I don't have the skills to take care of myself. I got a job a few months ago at a preschool and have to take classes just to keep my job. I barely make any money at my job. I barely make it through each day because the pain of this is so overwhelming. I know it will get worse when he files for divorce and the future scares the crap out of me. He is the only man I have ever been with and I have him my heart all those years ago. I feel like my heart has been shattered in millions of pieces and I have no idea how to begin picking them up. I have such bad feelings about myself and being loved and wanted and feelings of abandonment that it has taken over my life. I hate when people say that time heals and in time your heart will heals because I hurt now and the pain is so very overwhelming right now that I don't see ever feeling better. I'm hoping that joining this forum I will find others who know how I feel and who I can vent to. Please help if you can.
TailSpin75 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Hi Carebear - I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I'm a little more than 3 months into my divorce process and feel your pain. I too married my high school sweet heart and after 17 years of marriage - I was the last to find out it was over... just done. I strive to see her for who she really is - someone who's capable of casting me aside - the woman I truly loved would not have done this. My heart belongs to a character and the actress is someone who I truly do not know. I tell some in my support group - it's like looking at the sun - it's easy to see but so hard to look at. Please remember that their choices, actions, and behavior is a reflection of them - of their character - not you. I too feel the rejection, abandonment, and the thoughts that question myself. I listen to my inner voice - the one that tells me I've been kicked in the hut and left on the side of the road. Doesn't mean that I'm not lovable - cause I am and I have no doubt that you are too. I have accepted this to be a slow and long recovery period - but I know that I will be strong and feel strong on the other (even if I do not now). It's a tough enough journey without beating ourselves up. 3
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Welcome Honey, I am so sorry this has happened to you. But you have found a great place, and we will take care of you sweetheart. The first thing you have to do is get a grip on your emotions so you can be productive at work, and be a good mom at the same time (I am not a mom, so I am not smart about htese things). But I can tell you how to et a grip on your emotions. You have to stop all contact with him, except if it relates to the children or finances. Snd in your case, right now, as badly hurt as you are, it might not be a bad idea to have a thrid party handle these interactions until you are feeling better. What is happening to you is that everytime you hear his voice, the scab of the wound he created on your heart is ripped off - and becomes more and more infected. It is the deepest, most frightening pain, but yhose uf us that have been through it finially learn there is nothing to fear. You are going to be ok. Say that to yourself softly, "I am going to be ok." Self soothe yourself, warm baths, work on calmness, and acceptance of the upheaval in your life - and the FACT that you only can control your actions. Soon a posters will guide you to the 180's (you can find them on the internet - in the Divorce busters forum). And tell you the details of how to heal with NC (No Contact). No one know what's going to happen - everything is in a state of fux. It is important that you focus on you and the kids - NOT HIM AT ALL right now. I hope this helps you, keep posting like a diary. Other;s will be to your rescue. Good luck, Yas 2
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Ouch. I'm so sorry for your pain, which clearly shows in your words and how you describe everything. You didn't do anything wrong. Circumstances and rough patches in life changed your husband. He certainly hasn't handled his tough stuff well and instead of talking about it, he distanced himself and clammed up, allowed himself into a deep pit, so it seems. You aren't responsible for that. He's broken and isn't the man you knew and fell in love with years ago. He threw in the towel way too soon without trying to get help, and without trying to reconnect with you and do counseling. He has run away like a child. It is scary to be on your own. But you have family and good friends to help and support you through this and of course you have your kids. Your (ex) H will probably have to pay child support as well as spousal support since you were at stay at home mom. You can still work, and take courses if possible to brush up skills. Having fear is a good thing as it'll propell you into wanting to work hard and provide. But, one step at a time.. Don't look too far ahead into the future, it'll be too overwhelming for you. Hope this helps. And please, don't blame yourself. You didn't fail as wife, a mother or anything. You loved your husband and still do. Unfortunately sometimes circumstances and people change, its out of your hands. 3
Shocked Suzie Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Welcome... Newish and a first for me too posting on a forum. All your emotions are for sure normal and to be expected, going through the roller coaster of them all too. It's a must 'as already been said' minimal contact... Kids/finance! And do it via email as It's so easy to fall into the wrong type of emotional conversation via phone. I feel for you with regards to being a stay at home mum, but as he's thrown in the towel I do hope that he supports you and your children financially! Once you feel ready do a course, get educated! Anyone and I mean anyone can do this! I've never been career minded and I started a diploma a year ago, it's pushed mental buttons that haven't been pushed for years! The only reason I started the course was because it was free and would give me better work opportunities/hours ...Looking at what has happened to me now thank god i did start it! And you can too... I know it's 'really' hard but try to focus on you! Hugs x you'll get heaps of great support here x
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 He started seeing a therapist and has picked our marriage apart and see's no redeemable things in me or our marriage. Since seeing this therapist he just stopped talking to me or spending time with me and just wants space from me. He even told me that hes about done with our marriage. What reasons did he give you for his dissatisfaction? Do you fell they're fixable? Do you have any sense that he's involved with someone else? Much of what he's done falls into a pattern that indicates infidelity... Mr. Lucky
Author Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I know why he left and yes I think it's fixable. There was no infidelity before but now I don't know. I just don't understand, we were getting along great since Jan. We spent lots of time together, did things with the kids and then he started seeing this therapist to work out his feelings and then he just stopped talking to me and asking for space. It hurts bc I'm sitting here wondering what happened. He hasnt talked to me in like two weeks but text me the other day bc my dad wrote me a check that had maiden name on it. He was pissed bc he thinks my parents are only blaming him and don't see my part in this. He said that you have had a different name for almost 19 years, he thinks my dad did it on purpose. I talked to my dad and he said he didn't even realize he did that. I don't understand why he was so upset. After that exchange he hasnt talked to me again. The only thing that did was hurt me. He hasn't talked to me and when he does that's what it's about? He said he was sorry and that he shouldn't of said anything but that he was upset. I'm do angry, it's always about him. He never stops to think about the indescribable pain I'm in.
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Hi Carebear123, Just checking back on you today! I hope you had a good sleep. I know sometimes that is difficult. I did not mention in my post that this is a really good time to get in to see the doctor for a full check-up, for several reasons. Mr. Lucky alludes to one of them, and you never know, so better safe than sorry. Also, this is one of the most stressful life events. You do want to makee sure you are in good health, cause the kids are relying on you. I know when my marital problems became more pronounced, I was mortified to learn that I had a very high blood pressure problem (never before had my doctor noticed this). So, full check-up for you. Doc may even give you something to relax. I know how aggravating it is to hear about "how time heals." Well, I can tell you that that isn't exactly how it works. You heal yourself - in your own time, and it whappens when you finially realilze that if you don't get happy - no one is going to do it for you. The runaway spouse is not the person that is ultimately the source of your happiness - you do not need them for your happiness, period. When faced with divorce, many of us have to learn this fact; "happiness comes from within ourselves." You may not like that expression either - but that is more relavant that "time heals." We will talk more about these things. You have space and time. Try to see something positive in his not being there if you possible can. It may be too soon for you too do that. But, you know, you have one less person to care for right now - do you realize that? And from what you say - he seemed pretty high maintenance. Use this time for TO BETTER YOURSELF. This is the kind of thing that will make you happy. I promise you. Yas
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I know why he left and yes I think it's fixable. There was no infidelity before but now I don't know. I just don't understand, we were getting along great since Jan. We spent lots of time together, did things with the kids and then he started seeing this therapist to work out his feelings and then he just stopped talking to me and asking for space. It hurts bc I'm sitting here wondering what happened. He hasnt talked to me in like two weeks but text me the other day bc my dad wrote me a check that had maiden name on it. He was pissed bc he thinks my parents are only blaming him and don't see my part in this. He said that you have had a different name for almost 19 years, he thinks my dad did it on purpose. I talked to my dad and he said he didn't even realize he did that. I don't understand why he was so upset. After that exchange he hasnt talked to me again. The only thing that did was hurt me. He hasn't talked to me and when he does that's what it's about? He said he was sorry and that he shouldn't of said anything but that he was upset. I'm do angry, it's always about him. He never stops to think about the indescribable pain I'm in. One thing is for sure. If he is angry about how a check is named to you, maiden name or mariied name, he still cares. I would stay no contact with him. His behavior is immature, and he ran away like a child and abandoned his family as your smart posters have pointed out. That is not behaviour becoming of a man. Just keep your cool and your hold your head high, and preserve your dignity. Do not call, beg, cry, text, scream, drive-by, drunken-dial, e-mail, etc., only formal communication regarding kids and finances, thats all. This is the only way to teach him to be a man - if it's at all possible. Yas
Author Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 What reasons did he give you for his dissatisfaction? Do you fell they're fixable? Do you have any sense that he's involved with someone else? Much of what he's done falls into a pattern that indicates infidelity... Mr. Lucky Morning Yas, I hear what your saying, I REALY do. It's just so hard when you feel like your in a nightmare you can't awake from. I know he still loves me he has told me that. He also says I'm his best friend and that if anything ever happened to me it would kill him to the core. I hate when he says things like that bc it just confuses me. Out of his 3 best friends I am the only one alive. His sister died 6 years ago and his other best friend died suddenly in Oct. It makes me do sad that the other two people he was closets too he lost to death but with me he is choosing to lose and just walk away from. It kills me not to talk to him. I miss him so very much. I lost my partner and best friend at the same time. 1
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Morning Yas, I hear what your saying, I REALY do. It's just so hard when you feel like your in a nightmare you can't awake from. I know he still loves me he has told me that. He also says I'm his best friend and that if anything ever happened to me it would kill him to the core. I hate when he says things like that bc it just confuses me. Out of his 3 best friends I am the only one alive. His sister died 6 years ago and his other best friend died suddenly in Oct. It makes me do sad that the other two people he was closets too he lost to death but with me he is choosing to lose and just walk away from. It kills me not to talk to him. I miss him so very much. I lost my partner and best friend at the same time. He's confused right now honey. He has suffered a great deal of loss, recently. Who knows what is going on psychologically in his head. tHat is why you must give him space. But too, you must protect yourself. And, you have to admit, every contact you have with him, rips your heart out. The solution, is no contact. This also forces him to live his choice, and see what it is reallly like (as opposed to having his cake and eating it too - by ringing you up whenever he desires to ear yuor voice, and knowing you are always there waiting for him). Just think about this. It is a well known concept. But it's true intent is to help you heal. try your best to have a better day. I bet you get a lot of posts - since it is Sunday! Yas 1
Author Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I know your right, it's just been a lot of begging and pleading on my part for the last 9 months and I know that it has only made me look weak. I realize that he knows how much I love him and how dedicated I am to us and that there's nothing more I can say to him. I think that I don't really have anything more to say to him but that I like him to text me bc I know he's thinking about me. I know that sounds stupid. I wish I was a stronger person and just say screw him but I'm someone who gave their heart away at 16 and I love deeply. I told him that if he files for divorce that I will be done with him and I would want nothing more to do with him, ever and that I would never give him the opportunity to hurt me again. The good thing is my kids are 20,16, and 12 so I really don't need to have much contact with him at all. The kids have cell phones and they can arrange seeing him on their own. It's really hard for me bc he only sees them every other weekend and I have them the rest of the time. He used to come see them once or twice a week but he doesn't do that anymore. In September he moved an hr away from the house. Trust me, having 3 teenage girls is exhausting. 2
Yasuandio Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 No more crying begging, and living off the crumbs of those texts. Block the number if you have to. This is not healthy for you. The texts are serving as sort of an addiction for you, keeping you attached, when you really need to be distancing for your own good, divorce filing or no divorce filing. I certainly understand honey. And those bread crumbs you are getting are HUGE, much more than I ever got! And if it were me facing those HUGE breadcrumbs, my cheeks would have been stuffed like a chipmunk - so I know I'm trying to tell you to ignore something that is very difficult. I guess I have an addictive personality, and would not be able to resist either. Maybe another poster can come in with a suggestion on this. Yas
Author Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I am done begging him to come home. I really only want him back if he wants to be back. Don't worry, you have been helpful, it's just hard to hear sometimes but I know your right. 2
Act Two Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Hi Carebear, I read your story and I can tell how much pain you are in. I'm really sorry for the pain you are experiencing and ((((( hugs))))) to you. I second the advice you received on looking up the 180. I've read about that a lot here and it seems to make the most sense. Going completely NC will be the healthiest thing for your own well being right now, regardless of what he ever does. My best wishes to you and your kids. 1
Author Carebear123 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Thank you Act Two, As of right now he's not even taking to me for some reason so I have no choice to be NC. Maybe it's a good thing. Thanks for the words of encouragement
Bluerain Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 This post tugged at my heart, my partner....after almost 18 years together did the same thing to me in May last year. He was distraught when he left me, I was blindsided as I absolutely adored him, he was the love of my life. Weeks later I found out he had met someone else! I wanted to die, my whole world was torn apart. Right up until the 9 month mark I sobbed, was utterly broken...but then I realised...he wasn't the cause of my unhappiness...I was, I was allowing him control. And the biggest thing that helped me is apart from the initial pleading that night I went straight into NC...I've retained my dignity, self respect, and now 10 months NC I've not heard from him at all. 18 years and I am nothing to him...but i'm an 18 year history that he will never forget. I wish him happiness, I will always love him...but now it's me time. I will probably never have closure, he of course knows nothing of what I know as I went straight into NC. Sweetheart, I feel for you...I know it's hard but please I promise you if you go NC you will heal. When you allow him his connection with you he has all the power, knows you will come running...and you will never heal! NC is the hardest thing I ever did, the tears have stopped but love doesn't just die...and at 10 months NC...I made it through! I promise you it really does help! We have something in common, a long history....lets see how they get by in their new lives...go NC now! 2
Shocked Suzie Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) This post tugged at my heart, my partner....after almost 18 years together did the same thing to me in May last year. He was distraught when he left me, I was blindsided as I absolutely adored him, he was the love of my life. Weeks later I found out he had met someone else! I wanted to die, my whole world was torn apart. Right up until the 9 month mark I sobbed, was utterly broken...but then I realised...he wasn't the cause of my unhappiness...I was, I was allowing him control. And the biggest thing that helped me is apart from the initial pleading that night I went straight into NC...I've retained my dignity, self respect, and now 10 months NC I've not heard from him at all. 18 years and I am nothing to him...but i'm an 18 year history that he will never forget. I wish him happiness, I will always love him...but now it's me time. I will probably never have closure, he of course knows nothing of what I know as I went straight into NC. Sweetheart, I feel for you...I know it's hard but please I promise you if you go NC you will heal. When you allow him his connection with you he has all the power, knows you will come running...and you will never heal! NC is the hardest thing I ever did, the tears have stopped but love doesn't just die...and at 10 months NC...I made it through! I promise you it really does help! We have something in common, a long history....lets see how they get by in their new lives...go NC now! I can't wait for full no contact! i keep contact to a minimal and "most of the time" when we do have to talk due to very bad situation of finance its only via email....when i dont hear from him im at my strongest! block his calls or change your number, there's nothing worse than being out or feeling good and getting call/text contact....just knocks you down, throws you! NC or minimal contact is the way to go, gives you space and some temporary peace I wish i could wish my Ex happiness....i admire your strength x Edited March 19, 2013 by Shocked Suzie 1
Bluerain Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Hun, please believe me..each contact is like him picking at an open wound, new woman etc...please don't let him destroy you!! Get your big girl knickers on hun...believe me I KNOW how hard it is, I literally nearly died from the pain..even suicide seemed a better option...and for what...a slime ball who threw me away like garbage after all those years? I will love him to the day I die, there will never be anyone that can take his place...because I will NEVER trust and love like that again. So, yeh I guess he completely destroyed me, no confidence, self esteem...but I wont lay down and die. In terrible pain at times...but my integrity is so important...he's the loser on every level...and I hope I haunt him one day...who was the stronger/better person me or him? There are sooo many beautiful people here on LS....just stay with it hun...we will all help guide you. Hugs x 1
TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Carebear123 - I can completely relate to the struggle you face with NC. It's so counterintuitive and seems to create a paradox. I have 2 younger children (13 and 7) but do my best to completely minimize any contact to my STBX. You describe the 'fall out' from the interactions - but never quite receive what you're desperate to have from any interaction. Something which I am all too familiar with myself. They are like a drug to use really. The absence of interaction creates a desire for contact which seems to grow with intensity over time. And like an addict - we occasionally break and make contact. Perhaps there's some feeling of relief or some version we are willing to accept as reassurance (as Yas described 'bread crumbs'). But shorty after that interaction (after that 'hit') we find ourselves going through the symptoms of withdrawals and the cycle continues. It only continues until we choose to break it. I completely understand how difficult (understatement) it is - I've often said it 'feels' wrong (but then again doesn't everything about the situation 'feel' wrong?). Hang in there Carbear123 - you're stronger and more disciplined that you think.
FazedOut Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Your story is very close to mine! I've been a stay home Mom since I was 19, I've been devoted to my husband & family the entire time, I still adore my husband even though he walked out on me in Oct. & now says hes been "miserable"at least 10 years (bull hockey..he had opportunity to bolt, if that was the case, and DID NOT). I also see & talk to my husband often (every weekend we live together, he texts me daily during the week too. I responds, but never initiate), and neither of us has filed or gotten any legal paperwork going. I too am an "addict" in that when I don't hear from him I begin to flounder....start wondering, checking into phone records & such. Worrying, obsessing. I understand how hard it is to have them tell you they want out, then have them act "as if" you will always be there (& why shouldn't you be, you always have been before!!)...after all, you are friends now, right?! Since you dont want this separation I get why you fear losing what little connection you still have. I do, I get it. I see the advice from others & understand they are trying to help...but you are going to lean towards the person you know/want back. Right or wrong. I see why others get frustrated with us. We exacerbate the hurt by staying wrapped up in it. :/ I know you're at a huge economic disadvantage in this employment market having been out of the game...well, forever. I feel you. I'm there too. On top of it I'm disabled by arthritis, depression, fibromyalgia & more. My husband has a congenital heart defect...yet he's dumping me with all these health issues. It pisses me off I stood by him all those years: through near death experiences, disability, loss of work, etc. from his bad heart!! But do I get it in return 25 years later? No. Hes bored & wants to be "Happy"...so off he goes. Friggen A. REALLY?! Sorry , I'm not of much help...other than to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Someone here fully understands your situation & how HARD it is. If you'd like to chat just pm me & I'll send you my email addy. Huge hugs to you!! I hope the 180/NC works for you. I'll be following your thread. I'll do a 180 once I have a place...like you I've told him there will be NO CONTACT ever if we honestly do split legally. Till then, I'm praying standing (without begging) will eventually lead to possible reconciliation. But I'm not holding my breath (ha! I keep telling myself that anyway). Edited March 19, 2013 by FazedOut
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