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Exactly what is supposed to happen on a date, anyway?


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Posted

This is a *very* basic question, and I'm a little embarrassed to be asking it as a man in my thirties. But it doesn't seem to be addressed often.

 

What is a date? What is supposed to happen on one?

 

Let me put this question in context. I've been on dates with at least fifty different women, have asked advice from plenty of people, and am pretty sure that I am imitating successful guys -- at least superficially.

 

But what typically happens is that I propose to meet at some coffee shop, and we have awkward small talk, which kind of feels forced, and which sometimes is interesting and sometimes isn't. I've been told I'm not good at making women feel comfortable --- for example, one woman told me (nicely) that our date felt like an interrogation or job interview!

 

I should also mention that I'm definitely an introvert, and chatting with someone I don't know, for an hour or so, about nothing in particular and with no goal in mind -- feels like a deeply artificial thing to do. I have developed an acquired taste for it, and indeed now I enjoy it.

 

But it feels kinda fake to me, and I think it shows. More often than not I don't get second dates. And why would I? I'm following someone else's example and hoping that "intimacy" will happen.

 

Could someone please tell me that I'm missing the point? Have any other introverts dealt with this problem?

 

Thanks.

Posted

I think what's going on in your situation is that you really lack confidence. This is something I actually learned as an introvert at my job as a waitress. If you go into your first date and feel tense or don't feel yourself, then you will have a very awkward date. Guaranteed.

 

Something I've learned as an introvert is that if you fake that you have confidence in yourself in what you say, and you relax, and be yourself then it should be smooth sailing. This is because confidence is contagious, if you fake it, you start to embody it, and then you will actually be it.

 

As far as the content of what you're talking goes, I will say that flattery will get you everywhere with 95% of the female population. We like friendly sweet guys that make us feel beautiful. As long as you have good intentions and you genuinely want to get to know us, then you should get a second date. If all else fails, just find something genuine about that girl and compliment her and her smile. It'll lighten up the mood. Works every time on me when a guy says it hahaha

Posted

I would recommend you visit the supermarket or something, scout out a young girl you don't know and find a reason to talk to her. make small talk and attempt to evolve it into an actual conversation of sorts. Just keep doing this and pretty much anybody can get the hang of talking to a stranger without seeming awkward for long.

 

You say that they're chiding you for turning the date into an interrogation. Your first few dates are typically dedicated to learning about each other, but you mustn't probe for information too intently. I've heard people say that the date should mostly be about the girl and that the guy should just politely listen and inject the odd question. This is sort of true to an extent, if she's talking, shut up and let her talk as much as she wants. If she's gone quiet, don't ask her a question, find a topic and start talking about it, see if you can get that motor mouth of hers started.

 

People are egomaniacs, if somebody starts talking about something, it's human nature that we're going to want to inject something ourselves. Ramble if you have to.

 

"The coffee is pretty good, a little too much cream, but I guess that's a good thing. Did you know that when I used to try and drink coffee black, it's what all the cool kids were doing, I had horrible taste when I was younger. Though, I guess if you saw me back then that would be evident, used to have long hair, don't know what I was thinking, eventually I saw myself in the mirror and decided enough was enough, went short after that. I wasn't done there though, this one time I had a bad haircut and decided to just shave my head bald, I looked like a skinhead. Though I guess you wouldn't know, your hair always looks perfect :)"

 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention, practice making everything you say sound like it's supposed to be amusing to you. If she perceives your stories as a form of humour, she will probably be more compelled to join in with tidbits of her own. Plus girls like a guy with a sense of humour, being able to laugh at yourself is a boon.

 

If that doesn't work, take out your hunting knife and cut off her ear, bring it to your next date as a warning that you are not to be crossed.

Posted

A good thread. I'll be impudent enough to piggyback on the OP's thread and ask a related question. It concerns dates from OLD or RL where you don't know the person well enough (cold approach). Should you limit your first date/meet-up to conversation only, or must there be some physical touching as well? So far all my dates have been fun and relaxed in terms of conversation, but it never went any further than that. My friend, before he got married, used to be way more assertive on his first dates. He told me once he'd put his hand between his date's thighs and felt she was moist underneath the jeans. I know him so I doubt it's just a tall tale, but it seems way too presumptuous on the first date. Still, it worked for him!

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