PhoenixRysing Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I just realized that for the first time in my life, I am utterly terrified of being turned down. I have always been the one to make the first move and I assumed in my current situation I would be able to do the same. I even assured this forum that I would do...but somehow I can't. I am captivated by this man. I think he is brilliant, kind, funny, and just downright amazing. Yet when I communicate with him, I am torn between putting it all on the line and just running in the opposite direction. I have never been this conflicted. I know what he sees, what I show him (we work together)...a strong, powerful, and confident woman, a woman he acknowledges is one of the "smartest" people he has ever met. Meanwhile, there is the part of me I never show in his presence, the part of me that is amazingly captivated and stunned by him, the part of me that is soft and feminine...and sees him as a wonderful and attractive man. Honestly, I have never crushed this hard on a man in my lifetime but I get around him and I bottle that all up and stick to the work persona - the woman who doesn't need a thing and has it all together. All of my confidence, all of my bravado, it evaporates when it comes to being flirty and feminine with him. Seriously, the man so much as brushes against me and I can hardly speak. My defense mechanisms kick in to protect the softer side of me and I stick to the facts. True this protects my feelings and enhances his admiration of me, but I suspect that it also keeps him from understanding my attraction to him or feeling any attraction to me in return. I know how to ask a man out...I know how to go after what I want...yet not with him. I know that if I were generally observed, you would first guess I was interested in every other man in the room but him, when in fact, the opposite is true. Despite my past telling me that if I want him then I have to act, I am frozen. I guess what it boils down to is this, "How the hell do I untangle my tongue, show him this other side of me, and entice him, when I can barely think in his presence?"
iKING Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Aw. You don't have to show him the closet shrine just yet. (joking) Try easing back just a little and let a flirt slide, see how he responds. If It's well you could ask him to go out with you and some co-workers after work if you don't want to outright ask him on a date. You seem rather infatuated with him, no reason not to give it a shot. There doesn't have to be a huge confession just yet but something casual would be fair to test the waters. Even if he said no or didn't reciprocate well, it could be brushed off as long as it isn't an intense display of your infatuation with him. Be a little playful with him and see how it goes. 1
RachR Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I also suggest getting out there with him in some sort of social setting to start with. Maybe to interact with him outside of work will help you bring out those other sides of you that you want to show him. 1
Author PhoenixRysing Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 We have met a few times outside of work, once with a group, and once one to one. I do manage to flirt some but most of our interactions are work related and virtual. I worry that he is mostly exposed to that side of my personality. We were meant to meet one on one again this past week but he had to cancel (with good reason). Now I am trying to figure out how to get that moving again and from there how to not let my insecurities take over. When I get around him I naturally revert to my comfort zone of confidence - all work related because he makes me so nervous. It's sad really. I think he is awesome and yet end up treating him as if I have zero interest (except as a colleague) because of it. I was thinking about this in my other thread where I talked about letting a man know I was interested. A question about compliments came up and I realized that while I am generally quite free with compliments and warmth with most of my friends, with him I am almost the opposite. It's no wonder the guy has no clue I am interested - even though technically I flirt. I must be sending one hell of a mixed message. Funny - the biggest crush I have ever had and yet he probably thinks he is firmly in the friend zone.
JMCOSU838 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 It sounds like Cupid shot you up pretty good. It also sounds like you are thinking about this way to much. I used to do this all the time. I'll see a woman that I find attractive and instead of just going up to her and talking to her, I'd start thinking about all the things that could go wrong and I end up not doing anything. Stop thinking about it and just start acting on your feelings. You know what you have to do, so just do it. Perhaps this might help. The next time you see this man and you start thinking about what you should do, instead of just doing what comes naturally, think about this instead: . A legless rabbit thing with no mouth and what looks like bags under its eyes jumping and wagging it's ear like an idiot. Here it is again, in case you forget: . Hope this helps and happy hunting. 2
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 The all-time dead give-away that a woman likes a man is if she appears interested in other guys but not the one she would obviously be attracted to. 1
Author PhoenixRysing Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 The all-time dead give-away that a woman likes a man is if she appears interested in other guys but not the one she would obviously be attracted to. Unfortunately it is usually a giveaway to everyone but the guy she's interested in... I agree with you, but I think the issue is understanding who she "would obviously be attracted to." In the case of my crush, I am not sure it would be an obvious choice unless you know me very well. Meanwhile, I need to work on making it obvious to him.
crude Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Men like confident women. Since he's available now, the longer you wait, the more likely he'll be taken before you can act. Because you already know him well, you can invite him to some place of mutual interest and start things going. If you don't do anything, then you have a 0% chance of succeeding. 1
Author PhoenixRysing Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Men like confident women. Since he's available now, the longer you wait, the more likely he'll be taken before you can act. Because you already know him well, you can invite him to some place of mutual interest and start things going. If you don't do anything, then you have a 0% chance of succeeding. I know. I keep opening my mouth to do just that. In my head I hear "Hey, do you want to do..." but what comes out is "To further the discussion we had earlier on insert boring work topic of choice." There has been some sort of neural disconnect in my brain. My flirting signals are getting crossed with my intellectual side and the outcome is not attractive.
Djz05 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Dont overthink it, just go talk to him and ask him. Best case scenario he also likes you too, but with the mixed signals you are giving him, he's got himself thinking you FZd him already. Dont end up like me, I had a friend back then that i really liked, but she didnt seem into me. She would only interact with me when our friends are around, otherwise she would just clam up and look busy. So I just didnt do anything and figured I was FZd. Years later when we bumped into each other during a trip back home. I asked her out for coffee just to catch up and by the end I found out she was so into me but just didnt have the courage to say anything and clammed up when i was around. It was too late for us at that point but you wonder what could have been if she just said something. Tldr: dont wait too long to let him make the first move, you might have to ask him yourself 1
Apolodor Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 He's someone you work with.... Have you thought what will happen if he does turn you down?? Things can become quickly awkward between you. It's never a good idea to date a co-worker. I was in your situation recently and things didn't work out quite as I expected. She shared my story with the whole office and I ended up being publicly humiliated.....
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 The all-time dead give-away that a woman likes a man is if she appears interested in other guys but not the one she would obviously be attracted to. Sad, but so true in some cases! I've been guilty of this on occasion when I had a massive crush on a guy. Nerves!
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I know. I keep opening my mouth to do just that. In my head I hear "Hey, do you want to do..." but what comes out is "To further the discussion we had earlier on insert boring work topic of choice." There has been some sort of neural disconnect in my brain. My flirting signals are getting crossed with my intellectual side and the outcome is not attractive. Ask him out to happy hour one day after work. Tell him you just need to forget about your job and relax...so work talk is off-limits that evening. Flirt! Also you mentioned that you would like to reveal other facets of your personality, something other than the exterior of always capable, super-confident, controlled professional perfection you've always shown him. Ask him for his advice on some relatively harmless, neutral work challenge you face. Guys love to help and to solve things. Besides, it says that I value your opinion and admire how capable you are--something that your professional persona may not be conveying to him.
Author PhoenixRysing Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Dont overthink it, just go talk to him and ask him. Best case scenario he also likes you too, but with the mixed signals you are giving him, he's got himself thinking you FZd him already. Dont end up like me, I had a friend back then that i really liked, but she didnt seem into me. She would only interact with me when our friends are around, otherwise she would just clam up and look busy. So I just didnt do anything and figured I was FZd. Years later when we bumped into each other during a trip back home. I asked her out for coffee just to catch up and by the end I found out she was so into me but just didnt have the courage to say anything and clammed up when i was around. It was too late for us at that point but you wonder what could have been if she just said something. Tldr: dont wait too long to let him make the first move, you might have to ask him yourself I do wonder if there is a bit of this going on. I get the impression sometimes he is quite interested and others - not so much. It stands to reason his mixed messages are stemming from my own! I know I need to suck it up if I even want a shot and I'd really rather know either way. I have had enough wondering to last a lifetime at this point and honestly I am just working on how to get out of my own head about it. Seriously, as much as I think geek talk is sexy, I am sure sharing my latest thoughts on cloud architecture is not the way to get him hot and bothered. He's someone you work with.... Have you thought what will happen if he does turn you down?? Things can become quickly awkward between you. It's never a good idea to date a co-worker. I was in your situation recently and things didn't work out quite as I expected. She shared my story with the whole office and I ended up being publicly humiliated..... I have thought about this quite a bit. My work life overlaps so much with my personal time that if I don't date a gent I work with I am pretty much never going to date. I read your story and I am sorry that the young lady in question was so horrible to you. One thing I do know about this man is that his character is phenomenal. Regardless of his interest level I am positive that he will not cause me any grief and I am confident in my own ability to move on if he isn't interested.
truth_seeker Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 So basically you get nervous and clam up when you're around him? You like him that much? A little alcohol in a group setting should ease your nerves.
abcxyz Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I was like that with a guy in my last job. I liked him in ways I never liked other guys before--there were times I'd get so nervous around him I could barely get a few words out, sometimes I'm sure my tone came across as more business like than I wanted...even as a teenager I never got like this with guys. There were times we were out in groups, and one on one, very flirty, but we never went out. When I left for a new job he even asked me out but flaked, it was truly heartbreaking, still trying to deal with it months later. I hope yours goes better. Whether you ask him out now or later I think you should. Yes, liquid courage can help but doing it in front of a group might actually add stress. Pull him off to the side or call him. For me, I didn't care how it happened or what was said, I just wanted to go out with him. And go through with it. I think when you get that nervous about someone it's your body and brain telling you this one is important. Good luck.
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