Happypuppy Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Hi It has been a while since I last posted. I feel I have changed a lot in a short period of time. I went to counseling and I got my sleep back! Haven't been able to fall asleep by myself, without medication, in years, but now I have fallen asleep within five minutes every night! Have also got involved with volunteer work and been working out a lot more. I feel genuinly happy with my life right now! The reason I'm posting now is a little unclear to me too. For some reason I have been thinking about my ex a lot these past couple of weeks. Not in a sad way, but more like thinking of good memories and smiling, and thinking about the things that went wrong with us. Last part I find natural, since I have been going to counseling. I now am thinking about unblocking him on fb. Not to spy or anything, but more because we have a lot of mutual friends, and I sort of miss his funny comments and so on. I miss him, but like the friend he once was; not as a boyfriend. I don't even think I would want him back at this point. I just miss HIM, and I think a part of me figures I could at least laugh at his comments and get an idea of his life from a far, when I know we can't be friends at this point. What do you think? I would not write to him or nothing of that sort; I just sort of want a peak at his life from time to time. We were always wonderful friends, could talk about everything and had the exact same humour and I honestly think I just miss the person he is. (I haven't seen him since we broke up for good, in about 8 months)
Survivor12 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Bad idea. First, you say that you don't "think" you would want to get back together which means that you don't KNOW...which means that there is a part of you that does. (If not, you would be sure). Next, you say that you have no intention of "talking" to him & just want to lurk to see what is going on in his life (which is often considered to be stalking behavior). It appears that you came here hoping that if you could convince US to say, "Sure, go for it" then you could convince yourself (and him, of course). Well, sorry, it doesn't fly. Here's the thing...if you really believe that it's a good idea to contact him, you wouldn't feel the need for validation from people who don't even know the background of your relationship & breakup. You are in therapy...why not ask your therapist? Could it be that you know that it wouldn't be what you want to hear? Of course, it's your choice, but until you're ready to own it, it's probably not in your best interest.
Author Happypuppy Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 I say I don't "think" I would consider him again, just because I haven't given it much thought. And because it would take a miracle on his part, he needs to change too for me to even concider it. And that's something I don't think will happen and even if it did, I'm not sure if I would even care. And seeing how I haven't met him after our breakup and all that happened after it, it's hard to know what your heart will do if you ever where to stand face to face with that person again. I didn't say I would lurk. I said I could have some sort of connection with him, without being a part of his life. As in; I would not snoop on his page and so on, but I would be able to see it when he commented on our mutual friends statuses on fb and so on. I could at least have a peak on how he is doing if you catch my drift. I don't want to convince him. I want us to be able to say hi if we ever meet again, and to be able to smile when we think of each other years from now. I'm not asking for validation, I'm asking for your opinion. Having fooled myself with a guy that was on/off for so many years, I'm having trouble trusting myself with my reason. I have tried to imagine meeting him in the streets or something, and I honestly think I would be fine. In my dreams even, I have dreamt of him a couple of times the last month, and in my dreams I'm always smiling and happy and feeling at peace with the whole situation. But maybe you are right. Maybe I'm just fooling myself... I need to give this some though. More input welcome (oh, and I haven't asked my thearpist because I have quit after getting my sleep back and feeling content for a while. He said he thinks I have a firm grasp on reality and my own situation, and that I would do fine by myself)
coralie Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 You have to ask yourself...do you feel 100% certain that you'd be completely ok and happy if you got back in touch with him, even if it's just FB? You'd see what's going on in his daily life, and it would immediately put him in the front of your mind again. Are you absolutely sure and positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that this wouldn't affect you negatively in any way, shape or form? Because if you're not, I wouldn't recommend it at all. Seriously. Why take that chance that you could backslide and have the hurt and pain and bad stuff come flooding back? You mentioned that you feel you're in a good place right now and are feeling happier. But that's because you've kept away from him and kept in NC so you've been healing. Do you know that you'd be ok once you stop that?
IfiKnewThen Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 idk its a hard call. if YOU broke up with him , then its a bad idea could give him false hope and put him in a compromising position. if he broke up with you, why dont u just email him and say hi and have a private chat first to feel the situation out and whether or not u really want to friend this guy. thats my 2 cents
JTG Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Hello there! Glad that you are doing well with your sleep and seems like you are overall happy. I would tend to agree with not friending him. This is because there could be a lot more subconscious feelings that could be lurking that you can't feel at the moment. Think of an alcoholic that has been sober for 8 months and they wanted to go into a bar because they miss the atmosphere. Not saying that it is that bad, but you get the point. If you see him you could always smile and say hi. You and him will always have a past and it will always be a part of you that made you how you are today. JTG
Eddie Edirol Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) Unblocking him to peek in on how hes doing and his life is a surefire way to avoid moving on. It will set you back, and will keep you from seeing better guys around you that you could be dating. I vote no, and keep him blocked for your own healing process. Dont worry about being friends later, once you find someone new you wont worry about being on good terms. It wont matter in the future, and it doesnt matter now. Once you move on, you wont have a problem running into him at parties. But when you have to be so cautious about it shows you havent fully moved on yet, and if thats the case you cant unblock him. Edited March 17, 2013 by Eddie Edirol
Survivor12 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I say I don't "think" I would consider him again, just because I haven't given it much thought. And because it would take a miracle on his part, he needs to change too for me to even concider it. And that's something I don't think will happen and even if it did, I'm not sure if I would even care. And seeing how I haven't met him after our breakup and all that happened after it, it's hard to know what your heart will do if you ever where to stand face to face with that person again. That last sentence is why I have advised you to be cautious...it could undermine the progress you have made and set you back emotionally. I didn't say I would lurk. I said I could have some sort of connection with him, without being a part of his life. As in; I would not snoop on his page and so on, but I would be able to see it when he commented on our mutual friends statuses on fb and so on. I could at least have a peak on how he is doing if you catch my drift. Just because you don't "snoop" on his page directly doesn't mean that you won't see something that may be a trigger. You say that you "can't be friends with him at this point", won't write to him, but want to "get a peek" at his life...none of which really constitutes a "connection". I don't want to convince him. I want us to be able to say hi if we ever meet again, and to be able to smile when we think of each other years from now. What I meant is convincing him that you aren't trying to get back with him and don't have mixed feelings & residual emotions because it seems obvious that you do. I'm not asking for validation, I'm asking for your opinion. Having fooled myself with a guy that was on/off for so many years, I'm having trouble trusting myself with my reason. I have tried to imagine meeting him in the streets or something, and I honestly think I would be fine. In my dreams even, I have dreamt of him a couple of times the last month, and in my dreams I'm always smiling and happy and feeling at peace with the whole situation. But maybe you are right. Maybe I'm just fooling myself... I need to give this some though. More input welcome Please understand that I am only responding to what you have said and, oh, yeah, recognizing the similarity to my own experience of being in denial about being "over it" because I wanted so much to be. For that reason, I can really relate to many of the things you have said (including a wee bit of defensiveness . So many times, I set myself up for more heartache because I felt "better" only to find out that "better" didn't mean I had completely overcome my vulnerability. I'm just encouraging you to give yourself a little more time before letting your guard down. In my opinion, the fact that you find yourself "missing" him and because you admit that you aren't ready to be friends and aren't sure if you would want him back prove that you would be better off giving yourself more time. (oh, and I haven't asked my thearpist because I have quit after getting my sleep back and feeling content for a while. He said he thinks I have a firm grasp on reality and my own situation, and that I would do fine by myself) I wish you continued progress!
Author Happypuppy Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I'm not gonna contact him, just because he told me that he didn't think we could ever be friends, because of his feelings towards me and all that happened in our relationship. I don't want to upset him in any way and I don't think he would like to talk to me. The only reason I'm cautious is because of him; the fact that he doen't seem ok with us and what happened. (He broke it off with me btw) And I would not friend him; just remove the block I have on him, so I would be able to follow a conversation with my friends where he took part. But I guess you are right. I shouldn't do anything before I know 100% it wouldn't make me sad. The subconcious is scary, and that is why I asked for advice! It's sad that all of this made me lose one of my best friends as well, but I guess you have to take the good with the bad. I'll leave things for now Maybe I'll run into him one day, feel absolutely fine and find out for myself if I still feel something or not. Don't think I do, but you are right; why tempt it if I don't have to. Not completely agreeing on "mixed feelings" though. I miss the friend he was to me, and the person he was, not the lover and boyfriend. But I guess that is the greaving process; I'm done greaving my boyfriend, now it's time to greave the friend..?
Author Happypuppy Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I decided to unblock him, did so a couple of days ago. Just because I wanted to be in control; I know I can run into him and his pregnant girlfriend at any time, and the sooner I get used to it and feel ok with this, the sooner I will be over him. I needed to test the waters I think; prove to myself that I am over him. That it wasn't only in my head. After thinking about it for a couple of days, I realized that I was overthinking it and actually was thinking about him more, just because I was so unsure if I should unblock or not. So, not worth it. So I went ahead and removed the block. And I feel fine! Didn't feel the need to peak on his life that day, and didn't either. Had a quick peak the next day just because I was curious (like anyone who hasn't talked to a friend for months would be), but didn't feel much seing the few pics he has up for the public. Closed his page and didn't think much about it after. I feel I have taken a big step! I'm not sad, even after seing pics of him smiling, I feel content everything will work out for the best for both him and me. If she makes him happy, I hope it stays that way and that he doesn't relaps into his commitment fear. I am confident that I will suddenly trip over another love of my life, who will respect me and love me. Sometimes NC is to be broken, (not that I have had any direct contact nor do I plan to) so you can realize you are better off without them and for you to wake up and see that you actually are doing much better than you thought (I would not reccomend it unless you feel almost SURE you are dont with unresolved feelings) I've done so much progress, yey!
Renard99 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Sometimes NC is to be broken, (not that I have had any direct contact nor do I plan to) so you can realize you are better off without them and for you to wake up and see that you actually are doing much better than you thought (I would not reccomend it unless you feel almost SURE you are dont with unresolved feelings) I've done so much progress, yey! I'm happy for you that it hasn't affected you but I do think you played russian roulette on that one. Sure you pulled the trigger and it didn't hurt but there was every opportunity that one barrel was loaded. I also don't agree when you say that NC needs to be broken so that you can realise you're better off without them. You should be able to come to that conclusion on your own. I did. Like I said above, what happens if you had looked at his profile and thought 'damn, I wish I was still with him'. It could have ended negatively.
Author Happypuppy Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Sorry, english is not my first language, so I'm maybe not too good at explaining. I have already understood that I'm better off without him. Did that a few months ago, but was still mourning. I just ment that you will always have that "unsure" feeling in your gut if you never get to test yourself. I find that I have spent more time wondering how I would react that actually missing him. And when you are in that mode, I found it best just to go for it, so that he doesn't occupy my mind in that way either. I felt about 95% sure I was over him, but I couldn't let myself believe it until I tried, if you catch my drift? Just because I have been fooled before; thought I was fine with an ex and then my heart was all over the place the minute I saw him or heard from him. This time was a bit different though, I felt happy and in a good place, my dreams even told me I was over him. I agree on not jumping the gun if you are unsure of yourself, but I guess I just needed to confirm my theory that I was only missing him as a friend. I can't run from it my entire life and the feeling of having conquered this is really good and will probably send me in an upwards spiral moodwise for a few days Thanks for your good advice guys, and the best to you all!
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