Javabear Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I apologize in advance for the length, but I really, really need help. Six months ago my ex told me that he had feelings for someone else. We had been together for three years (from ages 18-21) and this was the first serious relationship for both of us. This time one year ago we were talking about moving somewhere together after college and working towards the future that we had spent three years talking about. I was extremely, 150% invested and devoted to this relationship. I knew that my ex had other things going on (he's an avid musician and formed a band last year that ended up getting pretty successful) and although there is no doubt in my mind that he loved me just as much as I loved him, I don't think he had all of him invested in us the way I did. After the breakup I was completely devastated. One week after my ex and I split, I found out my parents were getting a divorce because my dad had been cheating on my mom for almost two years. I was handed a lot of emotional stuff to deal with all at once and it hit me pretty hard. I started seeing a therapist and after a couple months I realized that yes, bad things happen and either we let the bad stuff drag us down with it or we use it as a motivator to figure out our lives. So that's just what I did. I finally found a career I am interested in (teaching) and put all of my heart and soul into that. I ended up getting a student teaching position at a middle school not too long ago and I will be applying to graduate school next fall for a masters in education. I know that I would have never been so proactive about my life if my ex hadn't left me. But all the while, through all the growth and learning I did, I missed my ex every single day. I didn't know if he was actually dating the girl he liked or not but we were in sporadic conversation every few weeks or so. He would text me occasionally or we would run into each other. And this kept me holding on to hope. I kept thinking that sooner or later he'd realize he left a great thing behind and he'd come back. All of our mutual friends (and his friends too) seemed to think the same thing. So hope lived on. A few days ago, he emailed me and told me that his band needed $6,000-$10,000 to get their music professionally recorded and he asked ME of all people if I could help them out. I was shocked and appalled. That's when I knew he wasn't anywhere near figuring out his life and working on a way to come back to me. I knew I had to tell him that this was it and he couldn't contact me anymore. Two days ago I found out that he's been officially dating this other girl for the last couple months but they're keeping it a secret because they work together and it's frowned upon and also because everyone knew him and I and he thinks people will judge him for being with someone else. So only a handful of people know they're together. I met with him yesterday for what I think will be the last time for a long time. We talked like normal for a while and caught up on each other's lives, and then I asked him to come clean about the new girl. I then told him everything I had been feeling for the last six months; that I had been growing and learning but I missed him and thought about him everyday. I told him that his friends had come to me in shock and confusion which surprised him. He got angry and kept asking why no one could come to him and tell him they thought he was making a mistake. He said, "Maybe it would have changed my mind!" but I'm not sure I believe that. He also admitted that he got everything he wanted. He threw everything away to give something a chance that he wasn't sure would pan out, and it did. So... good for him, I guess. He also said that he is just living in the moment right now and not planning for the future. He's going to take each day as it comes and if/when things fall apart, that's when he'll deal with them. This, to me, is a very immature way to look at the world. He needs help and a major reality check and I don't know what it's going to take to get through to him. But, being in contact with him hurts me too much, so I had to put a stop to it. The last thing I said to him was, "I love you very much." And he said, "I love you too." I guess I don't really know how to feel right now. The worst part is that I keep picturing him and her together. I don't know how great of a relationship it could be if it's a secret and, as he told me, "She and I don't have any serious conversations. You and I talked about communication and the future and spending quality time with each other and she and I don't do that." I get that this is probably just the honeymoon phase or whatever and it can't be fun and easy forever, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think of them actually lasting... I don't want to wish it wouldn't work, but it was supposed to be me and him. We had a whole future imagined and I can't seem to let that go. I just don't know what to do. He needs time to grow up and figure himself out, but he's not going to do that if he's got his head in the sand as it seems he does. I feel rejected, unloved and lonely. I hate feeling like I wasn't worth fighting for when I did so much for him. I hate thinking that yesterday might very well be the last day I ever see or speak to him. I hate that I still go to sleep thinking of him. I don't know how to stop worrying about him because I keep thinking that there's something I can do and there just isn't. Does anyone have comforting words?
JTG Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Sorry you are going through this, it sucks i know.. Keep your head up. Break ups are always hard, no matter what the circumstances are. It is hard thinking that that might be the last time you talk to him, but if it is, that is when the fist day of the healing process starts. You can go through all of your sad feelings and cry your eyes out and start to except the fact that it is over. I can tell you that day by day it gets better. You will have good days and bad days, but be strong, you can do it. The No Contact rule is good to follow. It is hard, but think if you need to quit smoking or drinking. A drink here or a smoke there doesn't help the over all goal. You have had good times and bad times, but you need to start picking yourself up and put the pieces back together. I'm sure he messed up something really special, and one day karma will hit him and he will be in a dark place, and you will be wiser and smarter. You can't control free will, just like in Bruce almighty, it is the same as if you tried to move a pencil with your mind. I'm sure you are a wonderful person with a big heart and a lot to offer, but now it's time for you to take care of you. Stay busy, do lots of cardio, it will help you sleep at night and releases feel good chemicals in your brain. Don't neglect your body, make sure you eat, even if its a ensure shake or protein bar. You are a beautiful person and a sure catch for anyone out there, just take some time for you to get yourself back together. Take up a new hobby, go to a place that you wanted to go, volunteer. The sun will come out agin, I can promise you that... 3
Author Javabear Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Thank you. Thank you. The more positive affirmations, the better.
endure Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Javabear, I read your story and it seems like its just my story reflected back to me. We were together for two years and were great together. It was one of those cozy relationships. I was his first though I have been with other people before him. We were good to each other, until a new girl came along and he said he liked her. I asked him if he wished to breakup with me but he refused saying he liked her but he loved me. So we continued. But he finally decided to break it with me in November'12 and be with her. I also think that since he had nothing to compare against, he cannot know how great our relationship really was. To me, it was truly special. We study together and so I keep running into him on and off but I make sure NOT to initiate contact from my side at any cost. I am also working out a lot and it REALLY helps. I am becoming more and more independent and confident. Still, I miss him everyday even if he doesn't know that. Will he ever find his way back to me? I can't tell but the hope just refuses to die. He, on his part, seems to be totally at peace and everything seems to be working great for him. Sorry but I have no answers. I just want you to know that I am with you and will keep you updated about my side. Take care and work on yourself.
Author Javabear Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Wow... it's nice to know that I'm not alone in all of this. I've been doing pretty well lately but I found old love letters this afternoon and completely lost emotional control. I hate that 6 months later it still bothers me. I hate that I still care and he's completely moved on.
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