kat2038 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 My boyfriend of two years, as of this Monday the 18th) and I have lived together for over a year. he has been separated for the last year or so, he just moved to and back in with his wife because she just bought a new house. She knows about us and his kids would be here every other weekend. She received a great deal of cash from a relative who died, so she went and bought a trailer on 9 acres of land and needs him to do all this work around the place so she said move back in he did because of his kids. His son is already in trouble with the law and his daughter is following down the same path, he feels that if he is there he can corral them in to straighten up because his wife doesnt do anything to the kids if they mess up, they learn by example an she is a horrible example, she does nothing around the house, doesn't cook, clean r do much of anything except hang out on her computer, trolling for guys and she has plenty she sleeps with. Anyway, so he has moved out some of his stuff and he has clothes and other stuff here and he is there now. he says he misses me more than I would ever know and loves me more than he can say, yet his choice is to be there now here where we work together as a couple, have fun together make a life with each other. I know what I need to do pack up the rest of his stuff and say good bye forever. There are 2 reasons I cant bring my self to this, the first one I m in love with him like I have never loved anyone and two my heat breaks for him knowing what he is putting up with and how when it all falls apart he is going to think I will be here. Yes, I know living a married man is pretty hopeless, but the best way I can describe this little triangle is this, there are two little girls, the one litte girl has this doll, but when the new girl moves into the neighborhood she gives the new girl her doll because she doesn't want it anymore, she is tired of playing with the doll and she has all these new dolls to play with. Then one day she goes to the girl and yanks the doll back from her.....she has done this too me a number of times during the last two years, she plays with her other dolls ignoring the old one until she needs that doll for something and the little doll is torn between the little girl. But there is one difference the new little girl doesn't think she is going to be there when she throws the doll back. I am devastated, I am so lost I don't even know where to start to get over this ...........
LadyGrey Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I'm sorry for you pain. Seems your mm has went back and forth on you several times. While he has valid concerns about the kids, he could parent them and not live there. It's his choice and I'm sorry but he isn't trapped. You see yourself as trapped, you see him as trapped. Until you view it differently, you will remain stuck. It never works out, when you give a man all your power and you love them more than yourself. You must convince yourself that you deserve more than a man who puts you through this and yes he IS the one doing this to you, not his "evil" wife and you are allowing it. If she is that bad, then he is nuts for going back. Time for you to go ahead and feel the pain and stop it. Let him go and get yourself back. No man is worth what this is costing you.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 You can't compete with his kids. Whatever his reasons are for going back and trying again, even if it is because of kids, that's good enough TO do your best to let go. He isn't divorced, they were separated. It sucks and I'm sure you're hurting deeply, rightfully so. I agree too, he is where he wants to be..With his children. Maybe he and his wife will work through their issues for the sake of their children. Either way, he made this decision, his wife didn't force him, or hold a gun to his head. Surround yourself with good friends and family, grieve the loss. That's all you can do right now and hope that soon you'll feel better. 1
Author kat2038 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 I agree with you, he can parent the kids while not being there, she tells him it is his fault the kids are the way they are, they are both at fault. I used the two little girls and the doll as an analogy. You are it is his choice and I know that but what I need him to stop doing is is telling me how much he loves me, No I need to quit listening to him tell me he loves me, if he did he would be here, not there. he does have to work because she is almost out of money and he ost his job three weeks ago as a long haul tuck driver and she told him he better get his ass to work, because she isn't
Author kat2038 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 You can't compete with his kids. Whatever his reasons are for going back and trying again, even if it is because of kids, that's good enough TO do your best to let go. He isn't divorced, they were separated. It sucks and I'm sure you're hurting deeply, rightfully so. I agree too, he is where he wants to be..With his children. Maybe he and his wife will work through their issues for the sake of their children. Either way, he made this decision, his wife didn't force him, or hold a gun to his head. Surround yourself with good friends and family, grieve the loss. That's all you can do right now and hope that soon you'll feel better. He and his wife won't work tings out because she is not going to change and still says she is going to see the guys she has been seeing and she told me she will send the kids and him back over when she has a date
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 He and his wife won't work tings out because she is not going to change and still says she is going to see the guys she has been seeing and she told me she will send the kids and him back over when she has a date Remember you are only hearing one side of things..His side. The truth is somewhere down the middle. He ain't no angel, so don't make her into the devil. Whatever their dynamic is, and it is unhealthy, he isn't done with her and their marriage. You do need to step back and focus on your life. You get no say in what he does, how he handles this. It hurts and it sucks because he made it seem like he was starting a new life with you..not cool of him. He should have waited until he was officially divorced before pursuing you. Don't get caught up in their shi.t! It has nothing to do with you and their drama.
Author kat2038 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 Remember you are only hearing one side of things..His side. The truth is somewhere down the middle. He ain't no angel, so don't make her into the devil. Whatever their dynamic is, and it is unhealthy, he isn't done with her and their marriage. You do need to step back and focus on your life. You get no say in what he does, how he handles this. It hurts and it sucks because he made it seem like he was starting a new life with you..not cool of him. He should have waited until he was officially divorced before pursuing you. Don't get caught up in their shi.t! It has nothing to do with you and their drama. I know he is no angel, the weird thing about this whole relationship is I do see both sides of this her side and his side, with the kids coming over to our place she and I have become friends, mainly for the kids and SHE is the one that flat out told me she doesn't want him anymore and that he is happier with me and we make such a great couple that is why I used the doll analogy because she kept pushing him towards me and instead of him putting his foot down he let it continue and now I am the one alone again. I am hurting my heart is in a million pieces and wen she pushes him back to me I wont be there to catch him back. I m just really hurting right nw
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Yup, painful as that is, you're doing the right thing for yourself. He can't keep bouncing back and forth, it's not fair to you, to her and most of all, to their kids. It's confusing for everyone. HE has to MAN UP and make a final decision and stick to it!
LFH Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 If he's worried about the kids, why doesn't he have them move in with the 2 of you? Why does he have to be the one doing the repairs? That sounds to me like he's just used to being at her beck and call and if he's ever going to move on, then it's time for that to end not go backwards. 1
Author kat2038 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 If he's worried about the kids, why doesn't he have them move in with the 2 of you? Why does he have to be the one doing the repairs? That sounds to me like he's just used to being at her beck and call and if he's ever going to move on, then it's time for that to end not go backwards. He is a long haul trucker and he said he would never do that to me, also it would get ugly, real ugly if he tried to take the kids from her. He has to do the repairs because she is lazy, bottom line. I am not just saying that either anyone who knows her, knows this including him He left her when the kids were younger, they are 13 and 11 now because one of the main reasons is because she keeps a horrible house and he was embarrassed to have anyone come over. Before we were living together he had been on the road for 14 straight days and when I stopped over there he was cooking dinner what was she doing On the computer camming with one of her guys. He is he beck and call and she has the ace in the whole the kids and she uses it all the time with him ......it is never going to end so I have to end it, he told me the other day it would kill him if I told him good bye I laughed and he had this look on his face like I had just slapped him ...but my heart can't take this, i just need to know where to begin to get him out of my heart .......
LFH Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 He really doesn't have to do them. All he has to do is NOT do them, and then petition for custody based on the fact that they are living in a broken down filth hole and he'll win, she'd also be required to get it fixed to have visitation there. Why doesn't she hire someone like a normal person? Who has their ex move back in with them for home repairs? This sounds strange. Unless you don't want his kids with you while he's gone and then yeah, I'm going to say that you probably need to walk away because they are part of him. 1
Author kat2038 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 He really doesn't have to do them. All he has to do is NOT do them, and then petition for custody based on the fact that they are living in a broken down filth hole and he'll win, she'd also be required to get it fixed to have visitation there. Why doesn't she hire someone like a normal person? Who has their ex move back in with them for home repairs? This sounds strange. Unless you don't want his kids with you while he's gone and then yeah, I'm going to say that you probably need to walk away because they are part of him. I agree, it is a strange situation all right, I love his kids and I wouldn't have a problem with the if he got custody. See if she hired someone to do the work, she would have to pay them, this way she doesn't she dangles the kids like a carrott in front of him and when she says jump he says how high. I know the best thing for me to walk away and to break it off clean. He has told me from day one that he doesnt want the kids to come from a broken home, but he had decided when his youngest was 2 he was going to leave when she turned 18, she is almost 12.......but I will not sit around for the next 6 years hoping that happens............
Author kat2038 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Yes, the kids are really screwed up and yes he is just as guilty of it as she is, the only thing in his defense is he is gone a lot being on the road. She likes him being gone and loved it when he an I were living together because when she had a date she would bring the kids to our house, which I ad no problem with like he said at they get a little bit of what a home is suppose to be like when they are with us. I have tried to each the 11 yr old manners that an 11 yr old female should to no avail, the 13 yr old son is going to court on the 21st for getting arrested at school for a terroristic threat, and she puts all the blame on him. The funniest/saddest part of all of this he still thinks we are still going to see each other, calls me his girlfriend, tells me he lves me and would rather be here with me then there and I am suppose to believe all of this and just go along like it is the most normal thing in the world. She pitches a fit if he calls or texts me when he is there yet she thinks nothing of talking, texting or being on the computer with the other men she knows. Yes, as much as I feel like I have been punched in the gut, I am going to get out of this situation and run as fast and as far away as I can.
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