Boyfriend wants to move in

[jessliner]

My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for almost three years now. He dropped out of college after a year but lived close by and came and stayed with me almost every weekend while I was at school. During the summers, however, we were further apart and saw each other once a week which he said was too hard for him so we went on a break during the summer. He says he won't be in a long distance relationship. Now I have graduated and moved to a city 3 hours away from him. I have a good job, am attending grad school and just got a small apartment. He wants to move in with me now because he is unhappy at home and says he misses me and wants us to get married. But I don't think I'm ready to live together. My apartment is basically a studio so we will always be together. He has come and visited for the last few weekends and we haven't made it through one without fighting. I love him very much and I don't want us to break up. I think if I was still living near him we would stay together. The problem is I don't know if it's a good idea to live together if I don't think we should get married some day. I love him but my family hates him. We are very different and conflict a lot over our views and what we want to do. We have a lot of big ups and big downs. I pretty much have to decide within a few days if he can move in but I know if I say no that we will break up and I don't think I'm ready for that. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do??

[krbshappy71]

If you don't think he is the one you want to marry, why bother moving him in? Why worry you will break up? What are you holding on to him for? Security? Don't want to hurt him? Sounds to me like you have realized he's not the one for you, so definitely don't move him in. It will only be a matter of time before the break up if he really doesn't seem to be the one for you so why go through more pain waiting for the inevitable. My two cents.

[jessliner]

I think you're probably right. I do have doubts about our relationship and how happy I would be if we were to get married. I think it's a security thing. I am afraid to be alone and it is even worse now that I've moved to a new city. I like being with him now but I know it's not really what I want forever. I think I'm just not ready to give it up yet.

[Fettbauch]

Only you know what the best decision is for you. My inital reaction to your post is that you sound like you could be someone who doesnt like change. There is probably an established routine and its saddening to think of coming home and not having a message from him, or possibly having the convenience and security of having him to call at those times when you normally would. I dont know for sure if these things are true, but they are reasonably common in these situations. A loss of something that has held meaning is always hard and its natural to be reluctant to let it go. Especially after you think of the good times or the rough times youve soldiered through together. But, there is a future to look forward to as well. If you arent feeling happy about the relationship now, and if moving in together doesn't bring a sense of joy, then I personally wouldnt do it. If things are great for him at home, he cant use you as an escape. Issues need to be dealt with and if its the end of your relationship because of this, so be it. Issues follow you wherever you go. If hes feeling needy about being so far away, hes going to feel needy when hes in the empty apartment while you are out bettering yourself by furthering your education and working. Follow that gut feeling. The uneasyness is putting up red flags. If you dont heed them, then you will walk right into the danger zone. I wish you well and its my hope you will make the best decision for yourself, and yourself alone. Everything after that will fall into place as it is supposed to be.