KJP Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Ok... My boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years when he broke up with me two months ago. We were best of friends and had amazing chemistry. I really loved him. I had been getting the feeling for about the last six months that he was feeling inadequate in our relationship. He comes from a family that constantly belittles him and makes him feel pretty low. I have a college education and he is a welder. I never felt that I was any better for him. I was proud of him and how successful he is in his career. I was supportive. When we broke up his reasons were that he was no longer in love with me, although he still loved me as a friend. He also felt that there would be someone better for me out there. I took the break up pretty hard. I never called and begged or pleaded. I wanted to give him his space if that was what he wanted. Well today we went out to breakfast, he invited me. We talked and had a really nice time. I made the mistake when we were hugging goodbye to say that I missed him... then silence. He didn't respond. I asked... So you don't miss me? And he responded with, "I miss you sometimes, but I just don't think about it." My question is... CAN MEN REALLY JUST "NOT THINK ABOUT IT"????? It's so hard because this loss consumes my every thought. I can't believe he can really just not think about it. Insights please?
SendHope Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 While I don't know your ex, I believe he does misses you and thinks about you (hence the breakfast). He may have just said that in order to not lead you on which is a decent move on his part imo. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I'm not a man, but I know the answer to your question. Men are FAR more capable than women at compartmentalizing their thoughts. Putting something away and only thinking about it when something specific comes up and reminds them, or when they want to. So yes, he really can 'just not think about it', but that doesn't mean it's not there. Studies have shown that men actually take longer to heal from a break up than women because of this compartmentalization tactic. In my opinion, he said it either out of spite for some reason, or because he didn't want to get your hopes up for reconciliation. I'm sorry you're hurting..I hope you start to feel better soon. If you do start seeing him again, be really, really careful. I made the mistake of dating my ex 3 weeks after the break up and it led to almost a full year of on/off rollercoaster awfulness because I wanted the relationship to go back to where it had been..but it couldn't..because obviously we'd broken up for a reason and that reason didn't just disappear in 3 weeks.
sharkbite Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 well, I am a guy and I'll tell you this....when we care, the thought is on our minds. Yes the compartmentalizing thing may be true but to say that it doesn't come up in his mind is b.s. like the poster above said he did invite you to breakfast, I would just give the advice of giving him his space....he knows what you want and as much as it hurts you have to back off.........realllllllllly back off, he cares....thats obvious but to get back together after breaking off a 5 year relationship means that the reconcilliation is basically saying I'm with you for a long time to come, its a big step. The guy is just confused, and if he's worth it....HE'LL COME GET YOU. otherwise....stop with the breakfasts, your feelings are too strong for that. 1
stevie_23 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 She doesn't have to stop with the breakfasts AS LONG AS she can accept him as JUST a friend. She doesn't have to lose that. If they DO want to move forward as friends, they have to speak openly and honestly. He has to tell her that he is STILL not in love with her (if he is sure of that) and that he can't help this feelings. They are what they are, but he cares for her as a person (of course he does. They were together for 5 years) and ideally would still want her as a friend. To LOVE her as a friend.
oracle Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Ok... My boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years when he broke up with me two months ago. We were best of friends and had amazing chemistry. I really loved him. I had been getting the feeling for about the last six months that he was feeling inadequate in our relationship. He comes from a family that constantly belittles him and makes him feel pretty low. I have a college education and he is a welder. I never felt that I was any better for him. I was proud of him and how successful he is in his career. I was supportive. When we broke up his reasons were that he was no longer in love with me, although he still loved me as a friend. He also felt that there would be someone better for me out there. I took the break up pretty hard. I never called and begged or pleaded. I wanted to give him his space if that was what he wanted. Well today we went out to breakfast, he invited me. We talked and had a really nice time. I made the mistake when we were hugging goodbye to say that I missed him... then silence. He didn't respond. I asked... So you don't miss me? And he responded with, "I miss you sometimes, but I just don't think about it." My question is... CAN MEN REALLY JUST "NOT THINK ABOUT IT"????? It's so hard because this loss consumes my every thought. I can't believe he can really just not think about it. Insights please? Sex has nothing to do with it. He just isn't into you anymore. **** like that happens all the time and it sucks
thefooloftheyear Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Sex has nothing to do with it. He just isn't into you anymore. **** like that happens all the time and it sucks Where is she saying anything about sex? I think what she is referring to is he feels like he is "not good enough" for her. Which probably isnt true, but it puts the "blame" of the breakup on him so she doesnt have to feel bad about herself. Its akin to saying "its not you , its me" TFOY
83_Dan Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Men are FAR more capable than women at compartmentalizing their thoughts. Putting something away and only thinking about it when something specific comes up and reminds them, or when they want to. So yes, he really can 'just not think about it', but that doesn't mean it's not there. I don't agree. I'm a man and my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and I can tell you it occupies my mind continuously. The feeling that I've lost the person that I would've wanted to spend the rest of my life with is very difficult to cope with. My ex however I'm sure is compartmentalizing her thoughts like there's no tomorrow. I know she does because when we got together, she had broken up with her ex about 3 months before but she never processed the loss. It took her half a year to finally cut off all contact with him and that is when the loss finally hit her and we took a short break for her to deal with her emotions. She constantly displayed this behaviour of not wanting to deal with difficult situations, always occupying herself with a million things. I guess it's mostly a personality issue. And aside from that, it makes sense that the person who breaks up with you will always have an easier time dealing with it then you. They have already moved on to a certain extent, they have already cut off emotionally because they lost interest in you for whatever reason somewhere in the past.
ThatJustHappened Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I don't agree. I'm a man and my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and I can tell you it occupies my mind continuously. The feeling that I've lost the person that I would've wanted to spend the rest of my life with is very difficult to cope with. My ex however I'm sure is compartmentalizing her thoughts like there's no tomorrow. I know she does because when we got together, she had broken up with her ex about 3 months before but she never processed the loss. It took her half a year to finally cut off all contact with him and that is when the loss finally hit her and we took a short break for her to deal with her emotions. She constantly displayed this behaviour of not wanting to deal with difficult situations, always occupying herself with a million things. I guess it's mostly a personality issue. And aside from that, it makes sense that the person who breaks up with you will always have an easier time dealing with it then you. They have already moved on to a certain extent, they have already cut off emotionally because they lost interest in you for whatever reason somewhere in the past. You are one person..and you are a person who is clearly in a lot of pain. I was referring to men in general. And this isn't an opinion, it's a fairly well known and well studied theory. You can Google it. I'm sorry for your sadness. I hope it gets better soon.
marklarsson Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 From a male point of view yes it's much much easier for us to 'pretend' we don't miss or even care. I have done this in the past. But I'm revebtly going through a post break up and I'm stopping myself from suppressing the feelings I have fr my ex, this is because I believe it is not health to do so. It will only cause a break down late on and I don't want that this time. However for my ex it seems like she is rather suppressing all the feelings. She does not like to deal with difficult emotions such as a break up and and she even started seeing someone else just 3 weeks after the break up. I think part of the reason in not suppressing my emotions is that we are very similar and very stubborn so if we both behaved In The way she is there is definitely no chance at all of us getting back together or even knowing if it was a possibility.
Author KJP Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 So I guess my next question is... Will he eventually think about it, or will he be able to ignore it forever?
thefooloftheyear Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 So I guess my next question is... Will he eventually think about it, or will he be able to ignore it forever? You may not want to hear this, but frankly you cant worry about it. He's gone. Period. You did what you could and now, unless you want this person to control your life, you have to forget about them completely. Im sorry, we are all in the same boat if that makes you feel better. I can relate, but im not going to let someone who didnt think I was worth hanging on to decide the path for my life.....and neither shoud you. ((Hug...)) TFOY 2
carhill Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Generally, men don't expound upon 'not being good enough', then break up and disappear without having another bullet in the chamber. "Not being good enough" is social Astroglide. 'It's not you baby, it's me'. He had a fleeting image in his mind about you, appropriately timed after an extended period of silence, and invited you to breakfast. His words and actions matched. "I miss you sometimes, but I just don't think about it." This is all classic man stuff. The best of them are so smooth a lady might feel he still loves her. Pure pragmatism. My sympathies and I'd recommend politely declining any future social invitations from him, cut contact and heal. Perhaps you might be 'friends' someday if you have shared interests. Good luck.
Damaged23 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 You may not want to hear this, but frankly you cant worry about it. He's gone. Period. You did what you could and now, unless you want this person to control your life, you have to forget about them completely. Im sorry, we are all in the same boat if that makes you feel better. I can relate, but im not going to let someone who didnt think I was worth hanging on to decide the path for my life.....and neither shoud you. ((Hug...)) TFOY During my weak moments this is exactly how I should feel. He gave up on me!! F*** I made MANY mistakes but so did he, and I never, not once gave up on him, I saw him as the one, the one I was spending the rest of my life with. We clearly had problems that he couldn't handle, I guess, but it hurts knowing that he gave up on us, on me, someone that would have never done that.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) During my weak moments this is exactly how I should feel. He gave up on me!! F*** I made MANY mistakes but so did he, and I never, not once gave up on him, I saw him as the one, the one I was spending the rest of my life with. We clearly had problems that he couldn't handle, I guess, but it hurts knowing that he gave up on us, on me, someone that would have never done that. Hang in there.... I know its hard to think of it this way, but you have to let it go. The reality is that there is someone out there that would NEVER leave you-no matter what. That, in my opinion, is the meaning of true love. ALL relationships have some problems in some ways. The more I reflect upon it I am starting to believe its a generational/societal thing. Everything is "throw away" these days. If something doesnt feel right-just toss it in the trash. People want immediate gratification or forget it-on to the next. I dont want to sound like an old man(im in my 40's), but it just seems like more of this is happening than in the past. Maybe its social media, or some other factors. Sure there are legitimate reasons for breakups of long term relationships, but some of what I read on this site....well- if only half of it is even true, its unbelievable. Breakups over such trivial things.... Went to the doctor the other day for a routine exam. Saw a lovely old couple and they were in their 80's? He was OK, but she was very frail and obviously not doing well. He helped her to her seat and held her hand the whole time. When I saw this is it really affected me. How many years have they been together and how many life experiences they must have shared?? And they still hold hands and show public affection and compassion. Nice... Stay Strong!! TFOY Edited March 17, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 1
Damaged23 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 TFOY, I agree with you, nowadays we feel we can throw anything away, no need to fix it. I on the other hand dont see it that way. I'm 24, by the way, but i would have fought for this relationship, and not give up on him.. I feel weak, right now I feel like poop.
creighton0123 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Men and women, on average, process separation and grief very differently. Men, as others have put it, are more able to repress emotion and lock it away until they are alone to deal with it. Of course, there is the Bell Curve idea: some men handle emotion in ways that society would call "feminine". Some women handle emotion in ways that society would call "masculine". IMO, his reasons were par for the course of someone who lied to you about why he broke up with you. When someone offers you a reason that has been heard a thousand times before, it is the wrong reason intended only to spare your feelings. You two were together for a long time. Being apart now is going to be hard. Being in contact and thinking about what he is going through is doing you no service. Take some time apart until you've healed and do not contact one another during that time. Reassert your own self image and independent identity. Then, once you've moved on (whether in a few months or a year or two), you can reach out to one another as friends.
flitzanu Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Ok... My boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years when he broke up with me two months ago. We were best of friends and had amazing chemistry. I really loved him. I had been getting the feeling for about the last six months that he was feeling inadequate in our relationship. He comes from a family that constantly belittles him and makes him feel pretty low. I have a college education and he is a welder. I never felt that I was any better for him. I was proud of him and how successful he is in his career. I was supportive. When we broke up his reasons were that he was no longer in love with me, although he still loved me as a friend. He also felt that there would be someone better for me out there. I took the break up pretty hard. I never called and begged or pleaded. I wanted to give him his space if that was what he wanted. Well today we went out to breakfast, he invited me. We talked and had a really nice time. I made the mistake when we were hugging goodbye to say that I missed him... then silence. He didn't respond. I asked... So you don't miss me? And he responded with, "I miss you sometimes, but I just don't think about it." My question is... CAN MEN REALLY JUST "NOT THINK ABOUT IT"????? It's so hard because this loss consumes my every thought. I can't believe he can really just not think about it. Insights please? as a guy, one thing that annoys the piss out of me...is needy questions like you asked him. "don't you miss me?" "don't you love me?" don't do that. putting us on the spot to massage your ego is not the way to get an emotion out of us. and secondly, you need to TREAT THIS AS A BREAKUP. the guy left you after 5 years. you are obviously not ready to treat this guy as a friend, but it sounds like he certainly does not feel the same as he did. the relationship is done, so you need to treat it as being done. just because he wants to go to breakfast with you doesn't mean he wants to date you.
oracle Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 where is she saying anything about sex? I think what she is referring to is he feels like he is "not good enough" for her. Which probably isnt true, but it puts the "blame" of the breakup on him so she doesnt have to feel bad about herself. Its akin to saying "its not you , its me" tfoy sex - as in gender!
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