Suggestions ....

[New_to_this]

I will try to make this as short and simple as possible.

10 years ago I was in the military...in another country. I met someone that I had strong feelings for, however I could never act on it because he was my boss. I know he felt the same way. There were tender words and moments that were shared that I could never erase out of my mind. I can still remember the look on his face when I was leaving...he looked as though his heart was breaking. Over the years, we had both gotten married, he went on to have two children. We have always kept in touch. We even ran into eachother once, again seeing eachother was no different. I remember I had gotten engaged, and I will never forget the look on his face when he saw the ring on my finger and asked me what that is. There were times when he was traveling he stopped through to see my husband and I (my husband knew him as well). Helped us move once by coincidence that he was passing through. We would exchange emails, he was better at keeping in touch. Sometimes months would pass, he would send an email that a baby is on the way, or he was deployed and would check in. I would tell him about the business I had started. I always felt like he was the one who got away. He always worried for me, cared for me and I know he truly hoped I was doing well. I always thought that if the world could see me through his eyes, I would have it all. Also, the amount of respect I have always held for this man is like something I have never experienced.

Since then, my husband and I split. It was a complete shock to me, it was his decision. About a month or so after I moved out, I heard from this guy again, like always. He asked how everything is going. I said, well, my husband and I split up. He told me that he is sorry to hear that there is trouble, but he knows that I will make the best decision. Since then, I have heard from him more. I know he was concerned at first. I know that he could not stand the thought of me hurting. He would check in, ask how I was holding up. It is always mostly about me. What I am feeling, how I am doing, what is going on with me....Since then, the conversation had become more of an everyday thing. Usually we would email back and forth at work. Then it started where he would text me some nights. One night, we had spoke, for the first time in 10 years, about the feelings that we did have. Very short, but he basically told me that he had always cared for me, but he never wanted to hurt my husband. I cannot explain the amount of emotions (for me) that came flooding out. Everything that I buried for the past 10 years surfaced. It always shocked me how I can get a call from him to find out he got married or had a child and part of me wanted to sob because it wasnt with me, but the other part of me is so truly happy for him because I want him to be happy. He derserves to be.

We have now had this conversation that I feel maybe we should have finally had over the past 10 years, however I know it was innappropriate. He has backed off some, I am not sure if maybe he regrets it or feels guilty. He still contacts me everyday at work, but we just talk about normal everyday things. I have stopped hearing from him at nights/weekends which I am ok with because I know it is not appropriate.

There is alot more that we have gone through. Life really for the past 10 years. It was seperate, but we always knew what was going on with eachother. Especially the major life things.

I dont know what to do. I know we shouldnt talk everyday. It is hard for me to tell him that because really I have always wished we could have had that chance. I dont want to hurt him by telling him, not sure why he has backed off a bit, although we are still in touch every day at work. I want him and his family to be happy, I dont want to be a distraction. As you see I have a bunch of things flying through my head. I would like some opinions on what you think he is thinking and also what you think I should do about this whole situation. Do I need to stop contact? By the way, we live very far apart from eachother. I will take any advice that you feel you would like to share when reading this. Keep in mind that this is someone who through all these years I have cared about more than anything...I would hate to ruin our friendship. Thanks

[New_to_this]

I truly appreicate your response. I don't know that I have given him so much over the years, but I do think that I may be now. Over the years, we were both leading on own lives. I must admit that it was really he that kept in touch. I think without his efforts, we would have lost contact, but he never let that happen. So it wasnt that I thought of him or the situation non-stop over the years, but he would call or email and I always felt so touched that he thought of me...again.

I do agree with you on a lot of things and I think you are right. Maybe why I am confused is that he sort of pushed for that conversation. At first when we started communicating everyday, I think it was out of concern for me. I think when he heard that I was single again, he thougt about it alot. He then started texting me at night. This started more oft en. It was really all him at first and I didnt really understand what was going on. Then he continued. I know that he had hinted to that conversation a few times, but I chose to ignore it. Finally one night he was just blunt, and asked me if I ever thought about him and us and the feelings that we know we had but have never discussed. After that conversation he was texting me even more. He would tell me that he would leave me alone tonight so I can work on school (I go to school online) then I would hear from him and he would say he couldnt resist and wanted to check in. He really was the one pushing....I was trying to stay clear away, maybe because I knew that if I let it out I would feel like this.

No, I do not want to lose him as a friend but you are right, this is not really healthy for me. So I guess what I can attempt to do is try to not think of it as much as I have been finding myself lately, and be friendly but back off. You know, find the "nicest way possible" to do it.

I really appreciate your response. Thank you for your kind answer.

[New_to_this]

Any more advice out there? I would really love outsiders perspectives on my situation!

[snowfun]

Only what the other poster said. It doesn't sound as if you're here to justify the beginning of something more or an affair. He sounds important to you, and you to him, and it would be a shame to spoil that.

 

I would try and accept the reality of the situation and look for the positives. You're lucky to have such a supportive, if not ever present, friend; be grateful for that. Perhaps if circumstances change in the future you can reevaluate your position.

 

It'll be hard and there will be some heartache but starting a relationship with this man will only bring you the same 100fold.

[psm04]

From your story, it seems like you both truly care for each other, but due to circumstances, you cannot be together. He seems like a nice and very considerate guy. My question is, are you going to be able to just have a friendship with him? Sounds like you cannot. I mean, this has been a 10 year thing. If you are able to start seeing him in a platonic way, then great. But, if you are torn and heartbroken over it, then maybe backing off might be what's healthy for you. I know that I couldn't just stay friends with someone I have strong feelings for (going through that mess right now).

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this

[RainDown]

I understand, NTT. There are just some people in life we connect with; I don't think there is much rhyme or reason to it and it just is what it is.

 

I think what you need to understand is that what you have with this man is not a "friendship". It's an emotional affair. And it appears that this emotional affair has waxed and waned for the last 10 years. You've managed (so far) to limit the relationship to an emotional one, but it really pretty much is a 10 year emotional affair you're engaged in with this man. It's also been a pretty "safe" relationship - until now. Now you are available; now words of mutual feelings have been exchanged; now things have become a little more threatening. Now the situation has escalated and no longer are you both just thinking of the other from afar. It's gotten up close and personal.

 

I think that is why he is pulling back. I think he's trying to go back to the comfortable territory of the non-threatening emotional affair you've been having the last 10 years. And I think you should let him retreat. I think you will only end up hurt if you try to take this emotional affair to the next level - this man means too much to you for you to become further involved with him.

 

I know you probably do not want to hear this, but I think it might be best for you to sever your relationship with him completely. You are divorcing and starting over. That is complicated enough. Being in an emotional affair with a married man is only going to complicate the situation further.

 

I know he is your friend and that he is very, very important to you but it's probably wise to let him go now.

[New_to_this]

I truly appreciate all of your kind answers and each of you had made terrific points. This is something that I do not feel comfortable talking to even my closest friends or family about. It's amazing how I come on here and get intelligent and truthful answers from people I have never met. I just needed an outside perspective. Thank you. This is what I needed.

I do agree and I need to step back from the situation. I guess I will figure out if I try to get it back to the point that it once was, or as RainDown said, sever it completely. I hate to even think what that would be like. I would hate to hurt him, but my fear is that maybe he is afraid by what was said. I think that he may feel it is right to back off, but he will never "just leave me hanging" and not contact me now that we have been in almost everyday communication. I will think of the best way to handle it. If I just back away and make it obvious that we need our space, or have an actual conversation with him and let him know exactly what I feel we should do.

He is an amazing man. I dont want to put him in a situation where I am a distraction to his family. That would be hard on him and it would be hard on me.

Thank you again for your replies and your support. xoxo

[BetrayedH]

The previous poster was correct that this man is engaged in an emotional affair with you. And you are correct that it is a huge distraction from his marriage. One appropriate phrase seems to be, "The grass is greener where you water it." He is obviously investing his energy into you; it's like a long distance dating relationship. The problem is that he isn't single. And while he is investing in this emotional affair, he is likely cold and distant with his betrayed wife. She is probably wondering what is the matter in her marriage and is likely blaming herself. Or she may even be making major efforts that are easily dismissed by him because they simply can't add up to this fantasy world he is increasingly entertaining. Or perhaps she isn't competing at all because she assumes that she doesn't need to compete with other women for her husband's attention since she has spent so many years with this man and bourne two children for him. The fact is that you are a third person in their marriage. He is obviously keeping the door open for a full-blown affair with you, and reminding you from time to time that it's there and open.

 

So what are your choices:

 

(1). Keep crossing one small boundary at a time until you're in a full-blown affair?

(2). Try to maintain a "just friends" relationship? Don't fool yourself; you can't unring a bell. You're emotional affair partners.

(3). Put a stop to all this. There's no denying that this is more than platonic. Stopping it is right for you (unless you really want to be an "other woman"), for him (so he can focus on fixing or leaving his marriage) and for his betrayed wife (that doesn't deserve all of this disrespect).

 

Explain to this man that you can no longer carry on with this in good conscience. Tell him to focus on fixing his marriage. And if he's going to leave his wife, he can contact you after the ink is dry.

Edited March 17, 2013 by BetrayedH

[New_to_this]

Thank you BetrayedH. You are right, I would be the Other Woman and I do not want to go down that road. I know it would only cause hurt and pain for everyone involved.

[New_to_this]

I need to gather courage, it will be hard. He has been a part of most of my adult life. I just can't imagine not having him to go to. I know what I have to do, I just can't imagine what it would be like without him in my life for good. Why must things be so difficult? I am a little bit upset that he has taken it to this level. He did in a sense push for it. At first I shrugged it off, the extra phone calls and such. He kept it going and one day it hit me. Then he brought it up, asking about the past. That was the moment for me that something changed. If things would not have changed from the way they have been in the past 10 years, I wouldn't be dealing with this right now or even have to have this conversation.

[BetrayedH]

I need to gather courage, it will be hard. He has been a part of most of my adult life. I just can't imagine not having him to go to. I know what I have to do, I just can't imagine what it would be like without him in my life for good. Why must things be so difficult? I am a little bit upset that he has taken it to this level. He did in a sense push for it. At first I shrugged it off, the extra phone calls and such. He kept it going and one day it hit me. Then he brought it up, asking about the past. That was the moment for me that something changed. If things would not have changed from the way they have been in the past 10 years, I wouldn't be dealing with this right now or even have to have this conversation.

 

You hit the nail on the head when you spoke of finding courage. Good lord. If more people had sufficient courage to do the right but difficult thing, this website would be out of business. The correct, right, and ethical choice is rarely difficult to determine. It's having the courage to do it that's evasive.

 

As for detaching from him, it simply gets easier with time. You will find a LOT of company here with women trying to maintain "no contact" with the married man in their life. It's literally like breaking free of an addiction. The good news is that it is typically just a matter of a few weeks before you start to view the relationship and situation differently. Going NC with him WILL help you detach. And eventually you may start to really wonder if he was such a great guy after all. This guy is married and yet he had kept the door open for you to be his other woman and keeps pursuing it. Is that really the kind of man you want to be with? If you landed him, are you sure you would be able to trust him? What was his plan? Do you think he was going to leave his wife for you? Or do you think he was going to try to have both you and his family life? If he was really a man worthy of your love, he would be a man of integrity that had respect for his commitments. And if he couldn't keep his commitment to his wife, he would respectfully let her out of her end of the bargain.

 

I suspect that you're vulnerable to a rebound kind of relationship since your marriage ended not long ago. Is this really the way you want to enter into your next serious relationship? Is that what you pictured when you divorced? That you would quickly enter into another dysfunctional relationship and do it with a man that's not even available?

 

Give yourself time to mourn the loss of your marriage. And when you're ready to date again, be selective and smart. In the meantime, start to detach from this unavailable man. Explain to him that you're not willing to continue with an inappropriate relationship. He needs to fix his marriage or leave it and do it without your help. In the meantime, he should respect your wishes (and respect his wife's wishes as well) and keep away.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 17, 2013 by BetrayedH

[New_to_this]

You are right. I am not even looking to date again. That is what I have been saying this whole time. I am going through a divorce. I work full time, I am a full time student, I am part owner of a business, I am enjoying living by myslef. I am enjoying being with my girlfriends and just having a good time. I was not even asking or looking for any of this. In first initially talking to him, it was normal. He would always contact me and we would catch up. This time I told him about the divorce. He did call right away, which again was normal and I wouldnt think anything strange about it. He would call for something like that to see what is up and make sure I am ok. Then it just started getting more common, the texts, emails, etc. I would post my girlfriends and I out having a good time and he would text me and say something about them. Then when he brought up about so long ago, I did want to hear what he had to say, though I knew it wasnt right. I guess I have wondered about his feelings in the past all these years myself. To anser your question, no he never has had any intention on leaving his wife. I dont want to split up his family. That is why I dont feel comfortable with this "emotional" thing we have going on. When he first started these conversations, he had mentioned that he loves his wife. He just wanted to tell me of these feelings and wondered if I ever thought about them as well. UGH. The whole thing is crazy. It just stinks that I will probably lose a close friend over this, but you are absolutely right in all that you say.

[New_to_this]

Sorry...me again. I think you are right too with how it will get easier with time because even having these conversations I am starting to look differently at this situation. That is what I assumed would happen, that is why I am here.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, I think you've probably dodged a bullet by coming here. If you keep reading on the OM/OW board, you'll see what eventually happens. It's such a god-awful mess. And in many cases, it sucks in some otherwise really good people that just allowed themselves to cross one small boundary at a time that they could rationalize. Next thing you know, one of you is buying a plane ticket and you're left wondering how you ever got to that point.

 

If you want another resource, there is a fantastic book about this exact kind of scenario entitled, Not Just Friends.

[New_to_this]

Looking that book up now. Thank you!!

[BetrayedH]

You're welcome. Please come back and update from time to time. We don't get as many success stories as we'd like around here.

[New_to_this]

Will do! Thank you!!!

[New_to_this]

Well I am back with an update. I took much longer than I should have, but the other day I finally ended this "relationship". I am not even sure you can call it that. After my last post, we were still in touch. It seemed as though most conversations were just friendly. I held on because I figured since he was staying in touch and just talking to me as a friend, he must care about our friendship. But we spoke almost everyday (not so much on weekends). I knew his wife didn't know and it was wrong. He was always kind to me and so I kept it going. He never tried to make it seem like there were issues in his marriage or that his wife was some type of animal that makes his life miserable. We just enjoyed each other and this friendship we had. But I knew it was wrong. I knew that my feelings were wrong. I come home and I think about him, but I can't call him. He is with his family. I went through a ton of emotions, one day it would be one end of the spectrum, the next it was the complete opposite. I never shared this with him, we would just talk like we were very close friends. He would have his moments here or there that he would slip with something inappropriate, but I would laugh it off like a joke. It was wearing me down. The guilt, the loneliness when I wanted to talk to him but couldn't. He was always there for me and I for him, but it always had to be on his schedule. I couldn't take it anymore. The other morning I let him know that this is affecting me and I can't do this anymore. I know that it must have come as a complete shock to him. It was out of nowhere. His exact words when he replied were "Take care of yourself, I understand. I was worried about the emotional toll from the beginning. I am here if you need anything." That was it. Sometimes I miss him and hearing from him first thing when I wake up. Sometimes I feel proud of myself for doing it. I know this sounds bad, but I know he was going to hurt me and he would have done it to me at some point. I am happy I did it now to keep some dignity. It never became physical (most likely due to distance) it was purely emotional. I have my good and bad moments but I need to move on. I know that it has to get easier. I hope. Please give me some thoughts. I know I did the right thing. No good would have ever come from it, but I think I would like to have someone verify that for me. Thanks for listening.