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I think breaking up with him might have been a big mistake?


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Posted

My mind is so our of sorts right now that i can barely think straight. I miss him so much.

 

Here's our story:

We met at college, we were both starting our freshman year. We were like best friends. If the two of us were at college at the same time, you could guarantee we would be hanging out. I had the biggest crush on him, but i wouldn't tell him and tried really hard not to give hints because I wanted to be the one chased. lol Well we continued like this for months, then over Christmas break, he asked me out. I was sooo excited and told him it was about time. After that things were so perfect and romantic. After 3 weeks he told me that he loved me and I loved him too. I gave him my first kiss. The following week he left for marine bootcamp. It was a long 3 months but we wrote ALL the time. I would get at least 2 letters from him a week, and i would write him almost everyday. In one o his letters he told me that he couldn't believe what we had, and how it had come so fast. He told me that he knew he wanted to marry me, but not to worry, because he wasn't proposing yet. ;) He came home for 2 weeks, things were great. We hung out almost everyday. Then he went to his second round of training, SOI, which kept him for 5 months due to complications and schedule changes. He was allowed to have his phone, so he would call on weekends or text...well...for the first few weeks anyway. He slowly became more and more withdrawn while he was there. On the weekends, instead of calling or texting me, he would go clubbing with his marine buds or go to the beach. I would fill up his phone with texts trying to get and treasure every little "lol" or "yeah" that i might get in reply. 2 weeks before he got to come home, i got mad at him for not contacting me after promising that he would, and i told him that i was done. I cried my eyes out that entire night, and my bf was completely out of sorts. For once I had his attention, and he was begging me not to leave. He said that things were just hard there and everything would go back to how it was after he got home. After getting no sleep at all that night, i called him in the morning, and we talked for a while and decided to pretend that the previous night had never happened. Well he got back near the middle of August of this year, and it's been a struggle up to this day. He contacts me, and we hang out, but it's still just not the same. I had to ask him to send me good morning texts again because he had stopped, and after good morning texts I probably wouldn't hear from him til about 3 or 4pm that day. He's told me that he doesn't like texting, but both of us are so busy that it's really the only way to stay in touch throughout the day...and I love texting and talking to him. We get in stupid petty arguments almost every other week. We have had no peace since he got back. We will fight one week and then make up the next. The cycle continues. We have had talk after talk about this, cried on each others shoulders, and he's promised over and over again to change and make things better. He'd try, and last about 2 or 3 days, then things would just go back. I started questioning if it was worth it at least for the good times, but my friends slapped me around and told me that I deserve better. The fights got more and more frequent, and he started snapping at me and getting upset instead of being sorry like he usually is. I would be lucky if I got one date in 2 months, and i usually asked for that one date. One night after not hearing from him all day, and after talking to my family and friends about the situation, I told him that I thought we needed to break up. And oh the drama...we both bawled and bawled and he promised to change, but I've heard that before, tons of times. He told me that he couldn't picture himself with anyone else and that he had been so excited to marry me some day and start a family. This is my dream too, but I want to be happy. I want that guy who thinks about me as much as i think about him and who will go out of his way to do nice things for me.

 

So, it's been a week since we unofficially and privately kinda broke up. I haven't seen him, but we usually text about 5 minutes ever night, mostly him begging me to come back and me saying that i want to but i know that we will wind up here again. I miss him so much though, and i love him with all of my heart. I can't stand to hurt him like this, and I'm hurting myself even worse. I can barely keep composure at work, and I can't stop thinking about him. I broke down twice today just thinking about him and how I wish we could work. He feels the same way. I want to take him back but i dont know! I have no clarity. In my heart I know that we will fall right back into the same old routine. But I'm so miserable right now that I'm almost ok with that if it means i will be back in his arms again. What should I do?

Posted (edited)

One thing that stands out a country mile is your expectation that he should be in constant contact with you...you say you love texting through out the day ...he doesn't.

 

Tbh you sound a little desperate when you said you were waiting with the phone in your hand for every little text he gave you in reply. you took exception to him being out with friends or at the beach: you expected him to sit at home every weekend texting you? Why weren't you out with your friends at the weekend? instead of being out having a life while he was away you melted his phone with texts and treasured every response....im saying this to be kind.....you sound utterly desperate why didn't you go out like a normal person.

 

Now he's back you are giving him hell about not texting you enough. good god woman back off youre probably driving him mad. you sound very insecure and needy and he's picking up on it.

 

If you want to make a go of it and get back together give him some breathing room and do something other than wait by the phone. you're losing your schytt over him not contacting you by text until 3-4 that day....what the hell do you want? A text on the hour every hour? To say what? Texting all the time kills conversations as it leaves you with nothing to say to each other.

Edited by Amelie1980
  • Like 2
Posted
One thing that stands out a country mile is your expectation that he should be in constant contact with you...you say you love texting through out the day ...he doesn't.

 

Tbh you sound a little desperate when you said you were waiting with the phone in your hand for every little text he gave you in reply. you took exception to him being out with friends or at the beach: you expected him to sit at home every weekend texting you? Why weren't you out with your friends at the weekend? instead of being out having a life while he was away you melted his phone with texts and treasured every response....im saying this to be kind.....you sound utterly desperate why didn't you go out like a normal person.

 

Now he's back you are giving him hell about not texting you enough. good god woman back off youre probably driving him mad. you sound very insecure and needy and he's picking up on it.

 

If you want to make a go of it and get back together give him some breathing room and do something other than wait by the phone. you're losing your schytt over him not contacting you by text until 3-4 that day....what the hell do you want? A text on the hour every hour? To say what? Texting all the time kills conversations as it leaves you with nothing to say to each other.

 

I agree with this! Not to sound harsh but you do need to back off and give him some breathing room! You guys are very young and in time you will realize that everyone has their own life and things they need to do while they are not with you. Too constantly blow up the guys phone with texts all day and expect a text back for each one is just childish...

 

Look I know your young and in love but things do calm down a bit after the honeymoon stage and thats normal! During the honeymoon stage of every relationship there is calls and texts constantly... All you can think about is that one new person! But as the dust settles a little, things slow down a little. You both have lives to lead and too constantly send texts all day long and get made because he didnt answer a few is just ridiculous..

 

It appears he does care for you being he is casting some of the blame on himself when in all rights he shouldnt..Other guys would have probably run for the hills and sooner or later he will if you keep arguing with him about such petty things!

 

If he isnt treating you well or not attentive to you while you are together thats a differnt story but if he is, Give the guy a break and some room...It seems like he cares for you so stop worrying so much and for god sake stop texting so much!

 

Nothing wrong with letting him make some moves now as you did in the beginning!

 

Geez! Dating was so much easier and less complex when cell phones didnt exist!

Posted

If you both work how do you have time to text all.day?

 

Wouldn't.you rather hear hi voice as the end of the day or every couple of.days?

 

I think you should.contact.him an apologise.

Posted

A wake up text? I've never heard of such a thing! You're very needy and that can be a big turn off to a guy. I get together with my current date just once a week and we have almost no contact in between. I'm happy to see her more often but the small talk isn't appealing.

 

I don't understand why any girl gets involved with someone going into the military. It's almost always a disaster. OP you need to accept this isn't a good relationship for you. You need someone who will be around to give you attention. Beyond that, work on filling the rest of your life with things that are important/meaningful.

Posted

Agreed with the chilling on texting. Texting for quickie conversations.

Posted

Yeah, I realized that expecting constant communication is one of the things I've been doing, too. The advice they're giving you is exactly what I need to hear! I'm working on improving this, and one thing that's been really helpful for me is texting a friend of mine instead. I'm incredibly lucky that her husband is deployed at the moment, so she's free a LOT, and it helps. Every time I feel like texting him, I text something to her instead. She is totally okay with this, and she knows I'm not always expecting her to respond immediately or even necessarily at all, but the simple act of pushing that energy in another, healthy, direction is helping me a lot.

 

Also, I'm realizing how much I leave my friends behind in a relationship. I'm making efforts to fix that - perhaps it's the same for you? I'm making tons of plans, keeping myself busy, and getting some of what I was expecting from him all the time from my friends again. They're wonderful people, and they give me so much happiness. I guess I had this opinion that their attention was somehow "less worthy" than his. Sounds stupid when I really think about it, but I would always leave my plans open in case he would be free to do something. Then, I'd get upset when he left to do something with his friends. I've had a lot of self-discovery lately, and I am SO disappointed with some of my behavior patterns.

 

One thing I noticed - you said you want a guy who thinks about you as much as you think about him. How do you know how much he thinks about you? I'm guessing it would probably be more than you realize. He just doesn't feel the need to communicate with you every time you cross his mind.

 

I am in NO way professing to be an expert here. It just sounds a lot like what I've been experiencing and doing myself, and some of this stuff has been working for me. Although yes I miss him, I don't feel...neglected like I did. It's pretty freeing.

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