I am depressed and need advice

[ep]

I need help in coping with something. I have been married for 20 years and have 3 wonderful children. A few years ago I was online and did a search of a former lover. I was just having fun and a little curious. He was someone I almost married but because of religious differences, we parted. I found him online and wrote an email to him, just out of curiousity and to say hi. Well, one thing led to another and we started writing to each other every day. He talked about his wife and his life and I told him about my husband and children. But something kept drawing us to each other and soon it became 20-30 emails a day!

 

We both commented that it felt like the beginning of a love affair. I refused to meet him but he kept asking and said he just wanted to see me after all these years. We finally met and it was amazing. I felt so in love with him and he said the same. We kissed and the electricity passed right through my body. I had never experienced this with my husband. I know it is wrong but I enjoyed it so much. We met every couple of months on and off for the following two years and were very intimate.

 

A month ago I decided to end it. I told him we should just go on with our lives. We both wanted to stay in our marriages. I felt that it had become primarily about sex for him. I know it was the right thing to do and yet I am so depressed right now. I know I have been selfish. No one knows about this affair and I hope and pray my family never finds out. Cutting off ties to this man feels like someone I love has died. And I can't tell anyone about it. That's why I am writing here. I need some help with how to cope after you lose someone who meant a lot to you. I am so sad and feel such emptiness inside. I don't even have an appetite and feel tired all the time. I am trying to put on a smile and act like everything is normal. How long does this feeling last? Has anyone out there been through something similar?

[healthnut]

You know what? There are a lot of people that share your feelings. I, for one, experienced something like that myself. Recently, there was a man that I met about a year ago and the spark was just there. I was with my fiance at the time so I knew nothing could happen. I kept thinking to myself, "I'll just forget about him and that's it". Well, we ran into each other again not too long ago and the feelings were still there but worse because I had been fighting it. Anyway, I'm since married to the man I was with at the time of meeting the other guy. Long story short, there were things that were said, looks exchanged and then some other things that went on that just made me tingle all over. Nobody knows about anything that had happened, but I, too, couldn't eat, felt guilty and knew that I would be heart-broken should my husband do anything like that to me. So, I came to these boards and read the responses to other people's questions. I thought for sure I was the only one that had experienced this, the feelings were "too right", and come to find out there are a lot who share those. One thing I did? I sat down and tried to figure out what it was that attracted to me to this other person. In your case, maybe it's memories, or the "what if?" The good thing is that you stopped what you were doing, beit hard. The feelings do subside, and they get easier when you put your focus back onto your husband. I know, easier said than done when you feel so strong. Maybe you're not so much missing the fact that you're not talking to him, as much as you're missing the memory of what use to be? I will keep you in my prayers, and hang tight. Don't give in to the feelings you're having. You have children and a husband and they need you. Stop all communicatin with this person at all costs. If he contacts you, don't respond. He'll get the message.

[ep]

Thank you so much for the response. It has helped to know that others are in my shoes. The other man actually just called my house a few times while I was reading your response and it gave me the strength to let the phone ring. If he keeps calling, should I change my phone number? I don't know how I would explain that one to my husband but I was thinking I would just tell him I have been getting strange phone calls. What do you think?

 

Also, do you think it's sometimes impossible for a woman who's in love to tell if the man is just using her?

 

Thanks so much, especially for the prayers!

[Cis]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing the pain that I've also been dealing with. I can tell you that I ask myself the same questions everyday. I also feel in love with someone from my past .... and was willing to make the sacrifices for us to be together....but he backed off. In retrospect and after more time I'm sure I will be thanking him, but right now all I have is a broken heart.

 

Here's what I'm doing:

 

Therapy

Yoga

Meditation - attending a spiritual center

LOTS of reading: anthropology of love, how to fall back in love with your husband etc.

Running 1 mile per day (i've lost of 30 pounds and look better than I have in years)

Long walks

Book binding classes

Considering writing about my experiences (way down the road)

 

But I guess what I'm saying is stay busy, hand in there and this is an opportunity for growth.

[healthnut]

I think that it's hard to see what is happening when you're in the middle of the situation. For me, sometimes when people from the outside point it out I get get upset and think, "they don't know what I'm feeling/thinking, how can they tell me what to do?" The reality is, it's always easier for someone outside of the situation to give advice, and ultimately up to the person in the situation to utilize it. I don't think it's impossible for someone to be in love and tell that they are being used. I think you know deep down what this is all about, but if you're like me, the "what if's" kill ya. Here's the situation: he's married, and you're married. Let's say that hypothetically you two end up together, could you trust one another? Isn't carrying on a relationship with this person in a way saying that cheating is ok? These were questions that I, myself, had to answer. With regards to telling your husband that you've been getting strange calls, I wouldn't do that. Because ultimately, you being on these boards shows that you feel bad for what has happened, and you pray that nothing gets found out. You want to stop the lying, and if you tell your husband that you're getting strange calls the lying continues. What if the next time he calls, you answer and say something like this: "I understand that we had something wonderful a long time ago. Since then we have both become married, this is our lives now. I'm sorry if there is any hurt or anger, but please, for the sake of my marriage as well as yours, don't contact me anymore." Now, I'm not saying by any means this will be easy because you have feelings for him. But, you're playing with fire and you seem too sweet to get burned. You know, a really good book to read is called the Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman. Once you read that, it will put things into perspective. Maybe there are key issues in your marriage that are missing that are drawing you to this other man. For instance, lack of intimacy, maybe communication and having "date nights". Like I said before, you may be loving the memories you shared with the man and are trying to recreate the marriage you wanted to have with him. You just can't, you'll be ok, and you'll look back a month, even a few days from now and know in your heart, that even though it was hard, you succeeded to the temptation. You did the right thing. Once you acknowledge that, you can center your focus back onto your husband. Hang in there, it really DOES get easier!

[ep]

It is really nice to come here and know that there are others who care. Thanks again, healthnut and Cis. I am sorry that you both are going through very similar experiences. It's funny how you think your life will fall into some neat and tidy category, and then out of nowhere, one person can change all of that! It seems to me that once you give even a little of your heart away to someone else, you don't ever really get it back. You hurt those who love you and even yourself. But at the time, it feels so right, the feeling is overwhelming and you let someone else in. I guess it is the best thing to just cut the other relationship off, bury it deep within you, and learn how to focus back on our "real" lives. We should just let it happen, feel the pain ourselves and try to spare others.

 

I feel for Cis because it had to be so hard to change your life, only to have him back off. Do you think he was scared? Maybe he didn't have as much strength as you and couldn't make the changes necessary. I think that men get comfortable in their lives and have a hard time changing the status quo, you know? They are black and white thinkers, for the most part.

 

Healthnut, how are things going for you now? What is the last thing you think about before falling asleep at night? I will know I am finally over my other relationship when I think of something other than him before going to sleep. I like the idea of running 1 mile a day. It is such a positive thing, good for your body and mind. I think I will try that one.

[healthnut]

You sound like you're on the right track. You'll do great.

 

Things are going well for me. I believe things happen for a reason and I took my situation and tried to look at it objectively. I found out stuff about myself that I didn't realize before. One thing, for instance, is a fear of commitment. I went and found resources on what causes it and how to fix it. That was the deep root of it all, and come to find out through looking at past relationships, that was the track record. I also had a heart to heart with my husband, and we both pointed out things that we felt were missing and we are both working together to fix it. I look 10 years from now and I know where I'd like to be, and it's a life with him. You know, with the other guy, the grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to cut .

 

The last thing I think about before falling asleep is, I can't wait for the weekend to come because I know I'll be with my husband. I look forward to going out to dinner with him, as once in a while we have a date to go out to dinner.

 

I don't know what your faith is, but for me, I'm a Christian. I asked God to take this problem away from me, work on my heart and make things right. It's happening.

 

A good website for you to go to is: http://www.christianitytoday.com and click on the marriage link. There are TONS of great articles there, one in particular is: Surviving Temptation Island. You should check it out, it helps.

 

If you want to fix things, it is very possible. Not easy, but possible. Please stay strong.

[Cis]

Even though this whole experience has been painful - I know it has happened for a reason also. It has given me the strength to look at my marriage and look at myself. Wish I could report that things were going as well for me as healthnut, but sadly I'm struggling.

 

My lover encouraged me to get off my anti-anxiety drugs so that I could really feel everything that was happening - and boy do I! I'm reluctant to get back on them - since I do feel like I am at an important juncture and should feel ALL of my emotions... but most of them make me sad.

 

Most of my experience will always be a mystery to me. My beloved lived very far away and we connected over the Internet. So there is so much about his life I don't know. When I am in my darkest place I think that I was a temporary distraction, and that what he did with me was something he just does. He's denied that, but I just don't know. It's hard for me to think that it was all a game to him, but perhaps that's what happened.

 

I still miss him. He's cut me off and recently I was beginning to think that since we were so far away, that I could handle moving the relationship into a platonic one. But his unresponsiveness is probably for the best.

 

The hardest part is trying to work on my marriage. How do you re-attach your heart when you detached it for another? I feel sad and empty sometimes, and sometimes I feel pretty good. I know I'll come out of this someday, but I wish it would happen sooner rather than later! My fear is that my experience deeply buried will always haunt me in some fashion.....

 

I'm sorry I'm so down this morning. Mornings are the worst for me - I used to love waking up to a loving and hopeful message from my beloved....and now nothing.

 

Hang in there gals! If either of you come across a magic bullet - be sure to let me know!

Cis

[ep]

Does your husband know? It doesn't sound like he does. Mine doesn't either. He is a wonderful guy and I should feel so lucky and happy. These are men who love us. They have committed to sharing their entire lives with us! Why isn't that enough? I share your concerns about internalizing all that pain and being the only one who deals with it. I found this website called Marriage Builders and the counselor always says to be 100% honest with your spouse, even if it means there's a risk of losing him. I just can't bring myself to do that, but wonder whether it would help me to heal in the long run. But that would mean having a husband who would never look at me the same way, who wouldn't trust me anymore, not to mention the pain I would cause him. When I look at my children I get this sick feeling. I love them so much.

 

I read another post here entitled "how I got rid of my MM in three easy steps." Something like that. Anyway, one thing she said really stuck with me: that the more you think about someone the more they become embedded into your heart. Our brains sometimes work this way. We fantasize, paint this rosy picture of our other man, when reality is never like that. Our imagination gets the best of us. New feelings of love put us in a fog, we are jealous, wondering what he's doing, or is there another woman he loves, and it makes our hearts ache. We lose sight of reality.

 

You wonder how you're going to re-attach your heart to one person when it's been given fully to another. Do you still love your husband? Do you think the "fog" of new love feelings made you willing to throw it all away? Were you intimate with your internet friend? When I crossed the line and became intimate, that's when I knew I had a problem.

 

Do you ever think about telling your husband? I know it would be so difficult, esp. when he'll probably never find out. I can't bring myself to do that either. I'm still hoping that with time, and esp. with prayers, I can regain happiness with him. He thinks everything is great. I have been putting on a good face to everyone, going through the motions, as if nothing was wrong. Why do we get ourselves into such messes. I look around and my girlfriends are all happily married, not a care in the world. I think you are right about trying to keep ourselves busy. We need to focus on other things. I am a

Christian also and have been praying like healthnut. By the way, that is why I'm not married to the other man. He is Jewish and didn't want to be married in my church because he said his family would never speak to him again. But I would have lost my family if we'd had married elsewhere. Plus I would never deny my faith. We tried to respect each other's faiths but in the end that lead to other problems and I made the decision to walk away from it. I was very young (19) at the time and figured if he loved me enough he would do things my way. Looking back I guess I was self centered about it.

 

You will heal with time. This much I do know. It is like someone has died, someone you loved. In time, people get over the death of their loved ones, and you will get past this too. Those emails are very enticing for some reason. You just would do anything to see his name pop up, to know he was thinking about you. The other man and I emailed so frequently and it was so much fun. It was truly like an addiction and when we stopped, it was very, VERY painful. We can keep talking through the pain. I am so grateful to have found this website. It is a gift!

 

It was interesting that you talked about stopping your anti-depressants. The counselor on that Marriage Builders website said just the opposite. He recommends taking anti-depressants temporarily to get over the pain of withdrawal (he says it's an addiction). He said people underestimate the high level of anquish and pain and should take anti-depressants to help ease them through it. I don't know. It's just a different point of view I guess. I am just trying to buy time, take things day by day, trying to pray and find happiness in other places. I know I need to look to my husband for that.

[healthnut]

Ok, guys, I just closed my email account and reopened a new one. Wow, suprisingly enough, that was kind of hard. Guess old thoughts surfaced? It had to be done though.

 

You know, the three of us are going to do just fine. Time heals all, they say.

 

Hang in there, girls, and know that I'll be praying for you both. Remember each other when we get the feeling to contact the other person and picture us standing next to you saying, "you know this isn't right, and you want things to feel better, don't do it".

[Fayebelle]

I'm proud of all of you. Stay strong- It won't be easy but YOU will be fine. Time heals all wounds if you just except it's treatment.

[healthnut]

Thanks, Fayebelle! That was sweet of you to post that!

[ep]

Thanks so much to all of you. The communication here has given me strength. He keeps calling and emailing me, saying how much he misses me. I have been ignoring it but know I have to talk to him one last time. I am just going to remember everything that was said here.

 

He has told me that the sex with his wife is practically nonexistent, and when they do get around to it, very boring. Is that just a line, so that I feel sorry for him? Or does he justify an affair because his sex life with his wife is bad? Has anyone else had a married man say that to them?

[ep]

Healthnut, how did you delete your old email account? What happens if he tries to email you? Would he get a message that says the email address is no longer in use?

[healthnut]

Well, with Hotmail, you can log into your account and click "help". Click on about your account under "All Topics". Once you do that, you will see an option for "close your account". If you click on that a link will appear and you follow the steps. This is how it is for hotmail, but I'm sure that whatever email service you have, you can log in and do a help and type in close account or cancel account. Then, once you do that, you can reopen a new one that certain people won't know of.

 

Try it and see if that works.

[Cis]

Oh yes - my sweetheart said he and his wife never really have sex. And then one night she was pushing for it - and guess what - she broke into a life threatening rash - all to prove (I guess) that it wasn't meant to happen and that his desire and commitment to me was strengthened - oh boy! It's amazing how much I wanted to believe everything - there's a part of me that still wants to.

 

My therapist tells me that as long as I obsess about my lover, I am unable to focus on what I need to do about my marriage. I guess I'll go see the Dr. and see about getting back on the meds.

 

You gals are doing great! And an inspiration...as they say one day at a time.

 

I also think ALOT about the secret I harbor from my husband and how that causes a buffer. One of my complaints I have with him is that he is not present due to secret drinking...but now I have a secret life that keeps me from connecting as well. My therapist doesn't agree with telling him about the affair, since that will be all he will be able to focus on (and not the real problems i.e. lack of emotional intimacy, etc).

 

And then I wonder about my judgment....my lover is/was so wrong for me. There would be so many problems...but I was more than willing to try to work through them all. It is a blessing that it has unraveled - but I just can't quite believe that yet.

 

I'm trying to develop more of a spiritual life - something that's been missing in my life. I've been hoping that would be a source of comfort through all of this. I envy that you women have that - it must be a help during these tough times.

 

So I send you many blessings - and how your day is peaceful.

 

Cis

[healthnut]

Cis,

May God bless you and I pray that He gives you the strength you need to heal. You will make it through. A quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face....do the thing you think you cannot do."

 

Much peace.

[ep]

Thank you for the info. I will try it!

[ep]

Cis, I will be praying for you. Keep your chin up. The Eleanor Roosevelt quote is great, healthnut. All you ladies seem so nice. And very perceptive too. No one is judgemental here. It is all about caring. It has helped me to gain a whole new perspective and I am grateful to all of you. Thanks tons!!!

 

I am sorry that so many of us have to deal with emotional pain. I wish there was something that I could say to take all that pain away.

 

I saw the movie "Notebook" last night with my mother. I cried the whole time. I have realized that I need to stay away from romantic movies, songs, etc.

 

Another big step (for me) was to delete all of his emails. I had kept some special ones in a secret file and kept going back and reading the sweet sentiments he wrote me. Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, anyway they are history. Why would I want to keep subjecting myself to that. I don't even know if he was sincere when he wrote them. I think that now, when he says he misses me, he just misses the excitement of someone different than his wife, of the attention I gave him. I have to stay focused on the negative things. Cis, if you can keep focusing on the negative things about your lover, maybe that would help. None of these men are great prizes. We have no idea what they would be like to live with. Probably very difficult!

[Cis]

Thank you so much for the support and sweet sentiments....

 

WOW ep - I really admire you deleting the emails! I've cherished each one. My lover is a writer - and so he is particularly good at saying all of the right things in just the right way. I first met him when we were 9! That makes me so sad...that we would wind up hurting each other like this - because we are so innocent with each other before (what I really wanted to write is that HE would wind up hurting me like this...but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt - that he is remorseful for what has happened and that is why he has cut all ties).

 

I just can't get rid of the emails - yet. I have hard copies of many of them (100s of pages) I keep in a binder at work. I try not to look at them. I lost all of my love letters and cards I received from past boyfriends and my husband (also my journals I had kept since I was 13) in a fire in 1991 - and so my excuse for hanging on to these emails is that they are replacing some of that stuff - my history that I lost. I don't know maybe someday I'll come to another conclusion and chuck them all.

 

I really liked the quote - thanks so much for sharing it....

 

Cis

[sami]

just keep ignoring him and eventually it will fade out. Do not talk to anybody about it.

[ep]

Thanks Sami, for the encouragement. I plan to continue with the ignoring. I am feeling a little better every day I can hold out.

 

Cis, wow, you really have a history with this guy. No wonder it has been such a difficult time. You probably couldn't bare the thought of getting rid of all his letters right now, but in time, as painful as it seems, that will help you get him out of your head. Any reminder of him is going to cause you heartache. I know those letters are precious to you, but they are precious in a damaging way, you know what I mean?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how hard it would be. And I can understand why you're not ready yet. When I deleted all his emails, it hurt for a few seconds and then I actually took a deep breath and I felt good, I felt in control of the situation and in control of my life. Whatever he wrote is in the past and things have changed. If something happens for you two in the future then there will be new material for you to read and keep. I have his words buried deep in my heart at this point and hopefully they will start to work their way out of my heart sometime in the future.

 

Have a good night. Take care and God bless.

[Cis]

Good Morning - and thanks for the encouragement!

 

EP - in the course of your relationship with your lover - did you detach your heart from your husband? I feel that detachment is the most destructive thing this whole experience has done to my life and marriage. While my relationship with my husband wasn't perfect (and now that I am not focusing on my lover I have to really face all of that) - I'm just really struggling with the fact that I feel like I've checked out of my marriage to some degree already. I want to give my marriage a fair shake and so if you could tell me how you are doing with developing or redeveloping the attachment to your husband - I'd be very interested. I need to really get his attention to let him know how unhappy I've been (but I don't want to tell him about what happened).

 

Also - since you're relationship was an email one (like mine) - it's hard for me not to get tempted (which I've succumbed to on many occasions) to send off something....I'm in front of a screen at least 7 hours a day! I guess it's just will power. oy!

 

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Cis

[ep]

Hi Cis,

 

You are right and I did de-tach from my husband for the two and a half years that I was having the affair. I thought about my lover every minute of the day, the things he had written to me, the loving, caring and funny emails he would send. My heart didn't have any room left in it for my husband. Everything he did seemed to get on my nerves. I welcomed the time alone. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts about my lover. I didn't even want to re-attach myself to my husband. But now I look at him and know that there is still love between us. I care for him deeply. The sad thing is that he will never know just what I've had to endure during these last few years. But then again, why would I subject him to that? It is my mess and I need to be the one who does the suffering.

 

You and I both have to find a way to get our husbands back into our hearts. It will be very difficult. They are at a serious disadvantage here - they do not know that our hearts are possessed by other men. Not only that, but in marriage there comes a routine that can be quite boring. We had discovered the excitement and euphoria that comes with falling in love. It isn't fair to expect them to provide that - they simply cannot. Nor should they be expected to. We can't provide that to them either. People start out that way, crazy in love, euphoric, etc.. and then it calms down and life becomes routine with day to day stuff, problems, fights, disappointments. With our lovers, it is stuck in the excitement/euphoria stage. It is confusing. We think we were meant to be together with our lovers because the feelings are so intense, when in reality we are just stuck in that new stage of love. And to make matters worse, we know it's not going any further so we always wonder "what if," like healthnut said. It's the "what ifs" that kill you.

 

The whole mess is so unfair to our husbands. They wonder what's wrong with us. They are at a loss as to how to make us happy, when in reality nothing they do will make us happy because we are longing for someone else.

 

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm going to have to start over from scratch, stop contact with both men, in order to get my head straightened out once and for all. I feel so selfish. I look around and realize that most people are happy with what they've got. We don't have to be euphoric all the time. Life with our lovers wouldn't be a picnic either. We have just glorified them during this whole process and don't know how to undo it.

 

To answer your question, I do get tempted just to write an email to say hi to him, ask him how he's doing. But what would that accomplish? If you don't get the response you want, you will become more depressed than ever. You might wait around for days, looking for a response. Those emails can be so seductive. They tie you in, forcing you to sit at your computer for hours, waiting for his name to pop up, making yourself more and more depressed.

 

I would tell you to go on the offense in this situation. Protect your heart from further damage by this man. Don't let him make you feel like such a desperate person. You are not desperate! It is his loss if he doesn't want anything further with you. You have a man who lives with you and is committed to you. He deserves a chance to get the marriage back on track, if possible. In time, you will know if you need to get out of your marriage. But it will not be because of your ex-lover. Keep your chin up and do the right thing. There is a strength in that. You will get there, I just know it.

[Cis]

Dear EP,

 

What a lovely post! Your writing "work out" these past years shows! Perhaps you were always a good writer.

 

I noticed that your original post says that YOU needed advice...but as it turns out you are very wise and know just what to do...thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

Sometimes I think about how I need to get by myself as well. My husband has many abandonment issues (don't we all) - his mother died when he was 5, a wife just up and left one day (I'm wife number 3, and he took a chance with me)...so he is very uneasy with the idea of separation. But even though I know it would be painful, I would value the chance to be by myself and experience if we can live without each other and are in fact happier apart.

 

But then I remember that I made him so many promises - and I need to try and live up to them...

 

I'll be gone next week. Goin to Texas to a dog convention! I'll be with girlfriends and no computers...so it will be a good chance to have a break. I've printed out your most recent post so I can refer back to it while I'm traveling.

 

OK - let's get through another day...we can do it! I haven't emailed him for 2 days (and that was just a job announcement I thought he might be interested in)...and probably 7 days since I've sent a personal note.

 

Just say no to Love Addiction!

 

Cis