Dealing with AP's 'real life'?

[psm04]

I might be blasted for this question, but, I'm going to ask anyway.. For anyone in an A, who chose to continue in that A, how did/do you make yourself accept the reality about your M AP's life with his/her spouse and family? How did/do you stop yourself from going on these highs and lows, and feeling depressed during holidays, anniversaries, etc.? Or is that something that's always going to happen, and one just has to deal with it?

[LFH]

I might be blasted for this question, but, I'm going to ask anyway.. For anyone in an A, who chose to continue in that A, how did/do you make yourself accept the reality about your M AP's life with his/her spouse and family? How did/do you stop yourself from going on these highs and lows, and feeling depressed during holidays, anniversaries, etc.? Or is that something that's always going to happen, and one just has to deal with it?

 

You need to have very clear and cleancut expectations, and you both need to be aware and honor those.

I grew up in a family where my dad had to work shifts, and sometimes those shifts happened on a holiday, so it's never been unusual for me to celebrate Christmas on the 24th or the 23rd or the 26th. To me the holiday is when you share it with the one you love.

I'm lucky in that although they live in the US, his wife was raised canadian, so now that her parents have moved near them, they no longer celebreat american thanksgiving, they do their holiday at another time.

So I get him for that now.

 

We celebrate our anniversary, my birthday, I get him on his birthday about half the time.

Other than that, now that my parents are no longer on swing shift, I focus HUGELY on MY life during times he can't be with me. He ADDS to my life, he isn't MY life.

 

To a degree there may be times that you are impacted by what's going on in your MM/MWs life, it's going to happen. It's really important to have a good support system and good friends that you can share this with.

And it helps me that I know that out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind.

[psm04]

You need to have very clear and cleancut expectations, and you both need to be aware and honor those.

I grew up in a family where my dad had to work shifts, and sometimes those shifts happened on a holiday, so it's never been unusual for me to celebrate Christmas on the 24th or the 23rd or the 26th. To me the holiday is when you share it with the one you love.

I'm lucky in that although they live in the US, his wife was raised canadian, so now that her parents have moved near them, they no longer celebreat american thanksgiving, they do their holiday at another time.

So I get him for that now.

 

We celebrate our anniversary, my birthday, I get him on his birthday about half the time.

Other than that, now that my parents are no longer on swing shift, I focus HUGELY on MY life during times he can't be with me. He ADDS to my life, he isn't MY life.

 

To a degree there may be times that you are impacted by what's going on in your MM/MWs life, it's going to happen. It's really important to have a good support system and good friends that you can share this with.

And it helps me that I know that out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind.

 

Hi LFH, that's great that you get to spend time with him on some of these occasions, but do you know how you would have dealt with it if your A was one of those As where you didn't spend any holidays together, and didn't celebrate V day or anniversaries together or anything like that? Would you still feel this secure?

[LFH]

Hi LFH, that's great that you get to spend time with him on some of these occasions, but do you know how you would have dealt with it if your A was one of those As where you didn't spend any holidays together, and didn't celebrate V day or anniversaries together or anything like that? Would you still feel this secure?

 

Valentines day is a stupid holiday I've never liked, so for me that was never an issue, but if it is for you, why don't you tell him you want to celebrate it. There are 24 hours in that day.

Why don't you celebrate your anniversary? Why can't he make time on a day that is special to the two of you that doesn't fall on a date that should have any meaning to his family?

 

I wouldn't be ok with that. I wouldn't be ok with him not spending my birthday with me. I wouldn't be ok with not celebrating Christmas with him... we've never celebrated Christmas on Dec 25th but we celebrate it every year.

 

My expectations have been very clear from day 1. I'm not going to accept less than I would from anyone else simply because he's married.

If he were in a job that required him to work on Christmas, we'd celebrate it on another day, so I'm ok with that.

 

There are 2 days a year that in my mind he's off limits. Her birthday, and their anniversary.

 

I'm not an easy girlfriend:p, but he'd tell you I'm totally worth it.

[LadyGrey]

PSM there is danger in lowering your expectations or lessening your needs in any relationship. Affairs are usually a set up for this from the get go because you aren't the primary focus. Rare is the woman who can be satisfied with and happy with that arrangement. LFH is the exception to the rule I believe.

 

You clearly aren't happy with what you are getting. I don't think anyone can tell you how to do that.

[veryhappy]

It's exactly the impossibility to avoid the highs and the lows rollercoaster that can make someone end the A.

 

I simply couldn't cope with it anymore. He didn't help either, as I was making efforts to detach and he didn't want to give up anything. At that point, it was already more bad than good.

 

I always thought that an A shouldn't require work, you know like an out in the open R. If you have to twist yourself to make it work, it's not working. The effort put into an A can seem so pointless after it is gone. Be careful how much you invest and how much you want to make it work, and you'd better not regret wasting that energy.

[stevie_23]

It is impossible to fully avoid the emotional roller coaster that is an A if you REALLY are deeply in love with them AND want them to actually be your only partner at some point in the future.

 

It'd be easier if (a) you also have a spouse or partner and you are not TOO unhappy in that relationship, and (b) you have clear cut expectations (as LFH mentioned earlier) about how you both feel about your / their marriage and each other, and what you both want from this relationship.

 

In terms of my own ex-A, on holidays and stuff, nothing much changed. He wasn't a big "family man" and Christmas Day we texted as we normally would have, for many hours in his early morning hours and my late night hours, before and after the festivities. Birthdays were also much the same. The most he ever really had to do was go out to dinner with family, which he never enjoyed, and we'd just talk at other times as usual.

 

I knew how he felt about his life, and so it didn't really bother me as long as I felt I had enough time spent with him. I had my own life too, and I was the one more inclined to have obligations and fun things to do which meant we couldn't always be together at our normal times. He would get jealous (because his own life wasn't as happy or stable as mine, and he wanted to be with me for those occasions, not with the people he was actually with) but he was always understanding and patient.

[whichwayisup]

If one plans on staying and having an A with a married person, then they need to accept that the MP still 'lives life' with their spouse, in laws, extended family. Holiday dinners, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations etc, etc. Why get upset or jealous? If you ( general you) are truly happy sharing a MM or a MW, part of the package is, making peace with the fact their lives go on at home, reguardless of the A.

 

Enjoy the time you do get to spend together and don't put him/her first. Focus on your own life, friends, family. An affair is NOT the same as a regular relationship, so don't treat it as one. If you (general you) cannot handle that he/she goes home every night to their spouse, lives 'life' with them and only sees you when they have time for you, then end it and find a man who can offer you so much more and not stolen moments behind closed doors and in secret.

 

If your A causes more harm than good, and you feel insecure a lot of the time and aren't happy, feel sad and are riding a serious roller coaster, end it. Loving someone who you have to share is not healthy. Find a man/woman for yourself.

 

There are some happy OW on here, totally OK with their situations. They are strong women who are happy in their lives and don't rely on their MM to provide all happiness. They are independent and live their life too and are accepting of MM marriage.

 

What are your thoughts on your situation psm? Are you happy in your A or is having to share him too much for you to deal with as time goes on?

[stevie_23]

Enjoy the time you do get to spend together and don't put him/her first. Focus on your own life, friends, family. An affair is NOT the same as a regular relationship, so don't treat it as one.

 

If your A causes more harm than good, and you feel insecure a lot of the time and aren't happy, feel sad and are riding a serious roller coaster, end it. Loving someone who you have to share is not healthy. Find a man/woman for yourself.

 

This is where my ex-MM and I went wrong and things got too complicated. We moved pretty early on from being happy with what we had to wanting to be each other's primary relationship and eventually ONLY relationship, and trying to make it so in impossible circumstances.

[Elfie]

It's exactly the impossibility to avoid the highs and the lows rollercoaster that can make someone end the A.

 

I simply couldn't cope with it anymore. He didn't help either, as I was making efforts to detach and he didn't want to give up anything. At that point, it was already more bad than good.

.

 

Couldn't have put it better myself. I wasn't a willing AP - something happened - and I tried all I could to not get dragged in (as a former BS too, I knew the pain caused) and I tried all I could to get out, almost daily by the end, trying to believe him, trying to justify why he needed me, why he kept pulling me back in and I kept pulling out.

 

Eventually it was as one OP said once, "like hitting your thumb with a hammer each day and not expecting it to hurt". By that stage I was a bigger mess emotionally, the highs made me needy for every little crumb, making me vulnerable to all the c*** he gave, making every possible excuse for him and for justifying myself, and the lows became too low. It took over my life, work and I'd even started not going out whilst he was at work as he didn't like me going out on my own, so completely tying my life around him - after just months.

 

I often wonder myself how OW's who are OK with his other life, actually do cope. Especially when emotions kick in.

 

Perhaps in order to cope, you have to not be so attached?? Maybe that is the solution.

[Got it]

I might be blasted for this question, but, I'm going to ask anyway.. For anyone in an A, who chose to continue in that A, how did/do you make yourself accept the reality about your M AP's life with his/her spouse and family? How did/do you stop yourself from going on these highs and lows, and feeling depressed during holidays, anniversaries, etc.? Or is that something that's always going to happen, and one just has to deal with it?

 

I had clear expectations on what I expected of him. I also have a family where I run most of the holiday events so I have/did stay very focused there so didn't have time to spend with dMM anyway. Now he is incorporated into those events but at the time I still needed to run the show. I also expected to see him on or around holidays as he was known to my immediate family. I do know that their wedding anniversary wasn't celebrated much by them and he spent the evening with me.

 

Keep yourself focused on your life, keep it enriched and thriving with all different interest and passions and keep the MP as the icing on the cake. Everyone has a different situation and, in my eyes, you need to have it set up with expectations and compromises that are okay with you. Being in an affair was not a lifestyle I sought out to have and in my case it was a short term solution. It was not something I was going to be long term and so I expected the same things that a regular guy could give me. I made a few allowances but not many and he was able to agree to them. Do not make concessions you can't ultimately agree on. An affair set up is not for everyone and that is okay. Don't compromise yourself for the other person. If it works, it works, if it doesn't then the MP needs to step up and makes changes or they are not worthy of you. For some, it works for awhile and then it stops. That is okay as well. It is on the MP to understand this as they are asking for the ultimate concession from the SOP.

 

What I learned, don't settle for anything in the hopes of a gain in the future. Stay focused on the Present and how you feel about today. There are no guarantees tomorrow.

[cocorico]

I might be blasted for this question, but, I'm going to ask anyway.. For anyone in an A, who chose to continue in that A, how did/do you make yourself accept the reality about your M AP's life with his/her spouse and family? How did/do you stop yourself from going on these highs and lows, and feeling depressed during holidays, anniversaries, etc.? Or is that something that's always going to happen, and one just has to deal with it?

 

I was lucky in that his "real" life was a hollow shell, there were no family holidays, anniversaries, etc. He took his holidays with me, celebrated birthdays etc with me even though we were LDR, and I had at least as much access to him as I'd have had from any SG in a position of equivalent seniority.

 

There are two sides to this - one is that you know he is M, you have to accept the constraints that that involves. I've never been big on that view.

 

The other is that he is choosing to have a R with you. You are S, and he has to accept the demands that this involves on him. I'm more of this view.

 

You have certain expectations of the R. Him being M is *his* problem, not yours. He has to find a way to make it work so that he can meet your expectations of what you want from a R - it is not up to you to revise down and compromise your expectations just because he has an unfortunate problem (his M).

[spice4life]

Hi LFH, that's great that you get to spend time with him on some of these occasions, but do you know how you would have dealt with it if your A was one of those As where you didn't spend any holidays together, and didn't celebrate V day or anniversaries together or anything like that? Would you still feel this secure?

 

I put up with all of that stuff you are referring to and if I had to do it all over again I would handle exactly like cocorico, Got It and LFH describe or I would walk. There can be some compromise, but never to the extent that I put up with ever again.

[psm04]

What are your thoughts on your situation psm? Are you happy in your A or is having to share him too much for you to deal with as time goes on?

 

To make matters sound even worse, I am also married, but I still have a hard time dealing with the fact that we can't be together. I am "happy" with the connection that we have and the conversations that we have, but when the reality of an anniversary or holiday sinks in, it reminds me of what our R is not. It's like a vicious cycle. Getting out hurts like hell, so we stay, and then staying ends up hurting like hell, but not constantly.

[psm04]

The other is that he is choosing to have a R with you. You are S, and he has to accept the demands that this involves on him. I'm more of this view.

 

You have certain expectations of the R. Him being M is *his* problem, not yours. He has to find a way to make it work so that he can meet your expectations of what you want from a R - it is not up to you to revise down and compromise your expectations just because he has an unfortunate problem (his M).

 

Thank you.. The thing is, I'm M too, but I still have these feelings. I don't think he gets this way as much as I do, but maybe he's hiding it from me. Even though we are both M, we have deep conversations about everything. It really is a very intense EA, with some physical stuff here and there. Idk if being M means that I can't have expectations about the A, but these aren't really even expectations. I'd never demand anything from him. I just wish that things were different sometimes.

[psm04]

PSM there is danger in lowering your expectations or lessening your needs in any relationship. Affairs are usually a set up for this from the get go because you aren't the primary focus. Rare is the woman who can be satisfied with and happy with that arrangement. LFH is the exception to the rule I believe.

 

You clearly aren't happy with what you are getting. I don't think anyone can tell you how to do that.

 

You are right. I got into it knowing that, but at the time, I didn't realize that we were going to completely fall for each other. So, no I'm not happy with what I'm getting from him, but I also feel that knowing that we are both M, I will have to be happy with what I've got.

[psm04]

It is impossible to fully avoid the emotional roller coaster that is an A if you REALLY are deeply in love with them AND want them to actually be your only partner at some point in the future.

 

That, I think is the main problem here. I really am deeply in love, and can't let go.

 

It'd be easier if (a) you also have a spouse or partner and you are not TOO unhappy in that relationship, and (b) you have clear cut expectations (as LFH mentioned earlier) about how you both feel about your / their marriage and each other, and what you both want from this relationship.

 

We are both M. We both want to be together, but due to circumstances, we know that we can't. But one can't just stop loving someone one day. And that's when all these other feelings about his reality and my reality start bothering me.

[RainDown]

I think how you feel about a MAPs home life is directly related to how you feel about your own life and what you value. I personally value my freedom above almost anything else. If anything, I typically found MAPs situation as less ideal than mine. I am free to do anything I like, when I like, with whom I like, for as long as I like and wherever I like. That is profoundly dear to me.

 

My MAPs had not even a fraction of the liberty I had and issues generally arose in my affairs because the MAP couldn't handle the idea that I was a free agent, living my life, going out frequently with friends, traveling and generally just doing a whole lot of stuff he couldn't do. They also became miffed when I couldn't see them on short notice because I already had plans to do something else. I always told them, "Look, I am doing X. You are free to come along if you'd like, but if you don't choose to come along I'm going anyway." I generally called it quits when they attempted to confine me to their limited situation. I figured they could sit in a jail cell if they wanted to, but I didn't have to join them there.

 

If I had wanted a "traditional relationship" I can absolutely see how MAPs home life would be a problem. It's almost impossible for a MAP to carry on two traditional relationships at the same time. One or the other of the relationships will certainly suffer - and it's usually the extramarital relationship that takes all the hits. As the hidden "other" I'm not going to get first dibs on Christmas plans, or holidays, or even dinner out one evening. I'm generally not going to get first dibs on anything. I think any person trying to have a traditional relationship with a MAP is in for some hard times.

 

I see people try to figure out how they can be happy as an "other" as if there is some formula that will make it so. There isn't. I know with absolute certainty I would never attempt a "traditional relationship" with a MAP; there is no way I could tolerate it. But I have been very happy with MAPs who were on the fringe of my life.

 

I think if you are at a point in life where you want to make another person the center of your life, have a normal life with holidays and vacations and waking up together in the morning, choosing a MAP is like going to a hardware store expecting to buy fine Belgian chocolate. The disappointment will be real and immediate.

[WakingUp]

I really struggled with holidays, birthdays, special events etc for a long time. The reality of it would leave me devastated.

 

Now, not so much... its more the times when I cook a nice meal, see a nice sunset, or something funny or interesting and I wish he were with me to share in that.

 

But his real life, and that of his BW... I would not want to be either of them. He is deeply unhappy because of this situation and of course she is suffering because of that. However, he is where he chooses to be.

 

And if we end... well my children are almost grown, my life is a blank canvas really. I am free to do whatever I wish. He doesn't have that.

 

What is bothering me the most I suppose is that he is so unsettled. If he is going to stay where he is then he needs to make that a happy place. If he is going to be with me then he better man up and do something soon because frankly I find it a little arrogant assuming that I will always be available.

 

But yep, his real life does matter a lot... but so does mine.

 

And I just learnt something by posting. The relationship has moved from me having a hard time with what he was doing in real life, to being about my real life. If that makes sense. I might post more often!

Edited March 16, 2013 by WakingUp

[AnotherRound]

To me, it has never been super important to spend certain days with people. As long as I can see my sister, I couldn't care less if it is on December 12th or December 25th, it's just a day, lol. So, this wasn't really an issue for me. I usually spend my vacations with my sister and her children, so that is where I would be while he was with his wife and children. Difference was - I WANTED to be with everyone I was spending time with, and he wanted to be with all but one of the people he was spending time with.

 

For my exMM - he was the one that had a hard time on the holidays and such - he wanted to spend them with me and his children, but that was impossible as it stood. He would call me frequently and text me throughout the days to check in -he said that made it feel kind of like we were spending it together. I was fine, traveling to my sister's state and hanging out and having fun - he was somewhat miserable spending it with his wife and her family so that their children could have those memories of two parents.

 

There were other things that I wish he had been there for - like the above poster said - sunsets, etc. that I would have loved to share with him - and sometimes we were able to do that. But holidays and anniversaries were fine - bc he, and I, and the now exW all knew where we all stood.