flirtysine Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I was in a relationship for a bit over a year. He broke up with me a bit over a month ago. We were living together, he felt he needed some time "on his own" and we both agreed that we each had issues we needed to work out on our own. He left and took off to another country. It's now a month later. I feel like I've made good progress. I'm not still really over things. I'm definitely not dating again yet or anything (nor do I feel the compulsion to, so I'm not rushing myself into it), but I've been going out with friends, doing a lot of really good stuff for myself, and really getting in touch with myself to get to the roots of my own problems. When he left, I was holding on to hope that we'd get back together in a few months or whatever. I was e-mailing him a lot in the first week or two, but I stopped. I've managed to let go of that feeling and accept that if that were to happen, I have to let go of that hope to start. However... since I've stopped reaching out to him, he's suddenly been contacting me. He e-mails me. He responds to thing I say on Twitter. He sends me messages on Skype. The messages never say anything important and in many ways, I feel like they are selfishly orchestrated on his part to remind me of him, in fear that I am moving on with my life without him. I'm torn. One, I do love him. I realize right now he and I cannot be together nor do I feel like he deserves me right now for how he's treated me (like an object of convenience). Two, I don't really want to block him. I am potentially open to some future between him and me later on assuming both of us have grown and learned from our mistakes but that day is not today. I haven't responded to any of his communication in over two weeks but he keeps sending it. How do I tactfully get it across to him that he's doing harm without making it sound like I'm telling him to go away forever?
KatZee Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Stop giving him the ability to contact you. You can sit here and be confused and try to understand the how's and why's or you can do what's right for YOU and block him on everything.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I was in a relationship for a bit over a year. He broke up with me a bit over a month ago. We were living together, he felt he needed some time "on his own" and we both agreed that we each had issues we needed to work out on our own. He left and took off to another country. It's now a month later. I feel like I've made good progress. I'm not still really over things. I'm definitely not dating again yet or anything (nor do I feel the compulsion to, so I'm not rushing myself into it), but I've been going out with friends, doing a lot of really good stuff for myself, and really getting in touch with myself to get to the roots of my own problems. When he left, I was holding on to hope that we'd get back together in a few months or whatever. I was e-mailing him a lot in the first week or two, but I stopped. I've managed to let go of that feeling and accept that if that were to happen, I have to let go of that hope to start. However... since I've stopped reaching out to him, he's suddenly been contacting me. He e-mails me. He responds to thing I say on Twitter. He sends me messages on Skype. The messages never say anything important and in many ways, I feel like they are selfishly orchestrated on his part to remind me of him, in fear that I am moving on with my life without him. I'm torn. One, I do love him. I realize right now he and I cannot be together nor do I feel like he deserves me right now for how he's treated me (like an object of convenience). Two, I don't really want to block him. I am potentially open to some future between him and me later on assuming both of us have grown and learned from our mistakes but that day is not today. I haven't responded to any of his communication in over two weeks but he keeps sending it. How do I tactfully get it across to him that he's doing harm without making it sound like I'm telling him to go away forever? But these communications are obviously causing you some pain, No? Why subject yourself to that? I am sure Tara Maiden will be around soon and she'll put it more eloquently than I have:p Stay strong TFOY 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I hate to break it to you, but sometimes, tact has to take a back seat - or miss the cab entirely. First of all, you need to read the No Contact Guide in my signature (updated 2013 link). The Guide itself is post #1... the remainder of the thread is made up of cautionary tales form those who one held out some hope) as you do, and two (didn't block/kept the possibility of contact open (as you have). Both - as you will read, don't take my word for it - bad ideas. No Contact gives you the opportunity to completely heal, and to transform yourself into a better, stronger, more confident individual. you know, even if this has a chance of resuming at some point in the future, you will be a changed person, and either won't actually want to pursue the idea of starting again - or you will have transformed into different people - so the relationship will also be different. Don't ever bank on 'going back to the way it was'. In fact - Don't ever bank on going back. In fact - Don't. 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 But these communications are obviously causing you some pain, No? Why subject yourself to that? I am sure Tara Maiden will be around soon and she'll put it more eloquently than I have:p Stay strong TFOY You see, flirtysine,.... I am well-known for my stance on things....
thefooloftheyear Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 You see, flirtysine,.... I am well-known for my stance on things.... That was quick.... TM, Maybe you should change your username to The Wet Blanket.. Far more fitting.. (just kiddin of course..) Sorry to be flippant, OP. Actually if you are "over it" as you say, then this will be a lot easier for you than you think. TFOY 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 That was quick.... I think we more or less posted simultaneously.... TM, Maybe you should change your username to The Wet Blanket..:laugh:Far more fitting.. Well, I don't mean to BE a wet Blanket - but so many people believe they can 'get over' a relationship by continuing almost as if nothing had happened, leaving channels open for possible contact - little realising that by doing so, they are merely consenting to allowing their pain to be perpetuated.... Truly, the best way to stop being hurt, is to prevent the pain getting to you. And that primarily consists of shutting it all off, blocking, deleting and abandoning the false hope of a resumption.... Sorry to be flippant, OP. Actually if you are "over it" as you say, then this will be a lot easier for you than you think. Well, the OP states that she has made good progress, but is 'really not over things'. Leaving herself open to Contact, simply means that this will set her back to square one, feed the Hope and reawaken feelings she thought she had managed to bring under control. Sorry, OP - tact and courtesy sometimes needs to be set aside and room given to something a little harsher, more abrupt and unequivocal. No Contact really says everything you need to say - by saying nothing at all. Respond with complete silence. It's truly the best and only way.
Author flirtysine Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You see, flirtysine,.... I am well-known for my stance on things.... Thanks, I'll give that a read. I'm not "over things" entirely yet... I just think I am on my way to getting there. I got sick a few days ago and was unable to go out and do all my normal things I have been doing and the first place my mind went was right back to things with him... I felt awful. I couldn't picture any reality where he and I got back together or resumed things as they have been where I felt any respect for myself though. Based on the ways he has been contacting me and the things he talks about, I don't really get the sense that he is going to change. He seems only interested in himself and I just feel like a trophy or a toy he's afraid to let go of. I guess I don't want to be the same thing (afraid to let go by blocking).
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Ah... that would be the 'Breadcrumb feed'..... Yes. Unfortunately, that happens a lot.... Hope you're feeling better in yourself now.
NoMoreJerks Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Based on the ways he has been contacting me and the things he talks about, I don't really get the sense that he is going to change. He seems only interested in himself and I just feel like a trophy or a toy he's afraid to let go of. I guess I don't want to be the same thing (afraid to let go by blocking). Are you dating my ex? Your ex sounds like mine, and mine was a narcissistic douchebag. If , as you say, he only cares about himself, that is not going to change any time soon... or EVER. Consider yourself lucky that you found out before you got too deep into this. I know the feeling of being scared to let go by blocking, because you are still hoping that some day he will come back to you and sound like he's a different person. But the chances of that happening are pretty slim. And let's face it, a guy who is into you would not play these stupid games, would not say he needs to be on his own, etc., he would get his act together and act like a mature adult and a decent human being, and treat you with respect. People who don't do this with their partners, are either not into them, and are just using them to pass their time until they find "the one", or are , in general, just douchebags. Or both. And believe me, those people do not change overnight. Maybe in a few decades... but do you want to stick around and wait it out, and waste your life on someone who does not deserve it?
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