biggysmilez Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 i'm learning this lesson right now through my breakup. i thought we had a great relationship. i thought the reasons our fights were so passionate was because our love was so strong. i thought that we would work out in the long-run our different fighting styles together and reach an understanding of how to deal with the fights. i didn't even think that we fought that much. and then i came home one day to him packing up his stuff in a u-haul and telling me we fight too much. and i totally disagree. the lesson for me is that we really are all living in our own version of the world. i thought he loved me more than anything and he would never leave. i was so wrong. 1
McDonald Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I agree. My ex and I had our fights... But they were nothing like how my friends fight with their girlfriends... But for her it was too much.. Though it was nothing!!! Some people believe that they will find someone so perfect... There will never be any arguments.. Maybe that's true. But I don't see I as ever happening 2
Author biggysmilez Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 i know! it's so true. i try not to focus on him at all but i do take some comfort in knowing that someday he'll realize that it was a good relationship and that conflict is normal. you stay if the good outweighs the bad. i think he just doesn't realize yet how hard it is to be in a relationship and how you have to work and grow together. 2
McDonald Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Exactly true. But you also can't wait around for him to realize that... Because he may never and then you deserve someone who will. I know it's hard to take in.. I'm still trying to accept that as well. Relationships take two to begin.. But one to end 2
lilacwine Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) i'm learning this lesson right now through my breakup. i thought we had a great relationship. i thought the reasons our fights were so passionate was because our love was so strong. i thought that we would work out in the long-run our different fighting styles together and reach an understanding of how to deal with the fights. i didn't even think that we fought that much. and then i came home one day to him packing up his stuff in a u-haul and telling me we fight too much. and i totally disagree. the lesson for me is that we really are all living in our own version of the world. i thought he loved me more than anything and he would never leave. i was so wrong. thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel I'm not alone. I went through the exact same thing with my ex. To me, our relationship was so normal and so perfect. And then one day he suddenly dumped me after a fight saying that he couldn't take the fightings anymore. It's been 8 months. I still miss him so much. He's the love of my life. I keep wondering whether one day he'll grow up and realize that the "fighting" is so normal and even healthy to a certain extent for a relationship to survive. He also told me he couldn't stand the fighting because he and his ex of three years hardly ever fought. I still can't understand how it could be that way. maybe she's a freak and he thought she's how a normal girl would be and that I'm a freak. Edited March 16, 2013 by lilacwine 1
iKING Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Life is a matter of perception, one man's trash is another's treasure. To some cold is pleasurable, to some hot is pleasurable. What is normal is defined by the individual, normality isn't universal. It's what makes our species unique, it makes us interesting. It's the fuel, the fire, and the extinguisher. My condolences for your experience, know that you will share your love again. It is the human spirit. We get knocked down over and over, yet we still keep fighting. The human race as a whole has refused to give up. Chin up. 2
Coping Vortex Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 thanks for sharing this. It makes me feel I'm not alone. I went through the exact same thing with my ex. To me, our relationship was so normal and so perfect. And then one day he suddenly dumped me after a fight saying that he couldn't take the fightings anymore. It's been 8 months. I still miss him so much. He's the love of my life. I keep wondering whether one day he'll grow up and realize that the "fighting" is so normal and even healthy to a certain extent for a relationship to survive. He also told me he couldn't stand the fighting because he and his ex of three years hardly ever fought. I still can't understand how it could be that way. maybe she's a freak and he thought she's how a normal girl would be and that I'm a freak. I rarely fought with my ex. Maybe a disagreement or two. It has to do with the personality of the person. Back in my 20's I had a gf that fought all the time. I was relived when that RS was over. It was just her personality.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 i'm learning this lesson right now through my breakup. i thought we had a great relationship. i thought the reasons our fights were so passionate was because our love was so strong. i thought that we would work out in the long-run our different fighting styles together and reach an understanding of how to deal with the fights. i didn't even think that we fought that much. and then i came home one day to him packing up his stuff in a u-haul and telling me we fight too much. and i totally disagree. the lesson for me is that we really are all living in our own version of the world. i thought he loved me more than anything and he would never leave. i was so wrong. Perception is often deception. What you describe as 'passionate' he probably would describe as 'aggressive'. 'Fighting styles'.... that bothers me. The word 'fight' shouldn't even appear in Relationship terminology. When a situation rises to 'fight' level, in my book, there's something already intensely wrong there. When were you actually going to sit down and tackle your different 'fighting styles'? Working them out in 'the long-run' doesn't sound like a cohesive plan to me.... What does 'in the long run' mean? What would it have taken for you to confront your fighting styles? Broken furniture? Bruises? well, whatever YOU felt it would have taken, obviously, he felt that limit had been breached. You can't relegate important issues like 'fighting styles' to the back burner for later attention. As you have sadly discovered to your cost.... His level of tolerance was obviously breached beyond 'acceptable'. You were prepared to continue. Your perceptions of these Fights was thus obviously streets apart.... Do you need Anger management Therapy? From what - and how - you post, it sounds as if you might... 2
Author biggysmilez Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 maybe i do. but i doubt it. my argument style, to use a better word, is to talk about what's bothering me. his argument style is to let things go. he's very conflict-avoidant. i'm very accepting of conflict. so when i would bring up something that was bothering me, and that naturally does happen in a relationship, he would get offended because he couldn't understand why i just couldn't let things go. and it made everything worse because he would get offended and then we both got mean because neither one of our needs were being met.
Love4Pain Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 My ex seems kind of like that, conflice-avoidant. He's told me before he prefers to leave things alone or just avoid it instead of trying to talk about it because he thinks talking will make it worse....that doesn't make sense to me but oh well. I also think he believes that relationships don't take work and if it's not easy and requires effort then it's not going work out for him. I like to talk about things that bother me to an extent, but I guess the things that bothered me and trying to talk about them with him were too much work for him, and I think he's used to doing whatever he wants.... Why did I have to love someone who doesn't want to to do anything requiring effort, ugh. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I would say that the majority (well over 90% of men) are like this. You need to read the Mars/Venus book.... Women like to discuss and flay a subject to death - men like to leave well alone; water under the bridge, gone, forget it. The way to compromise, is to literally make the effort to meet in the middle. Effective communication saves relationships. He wasn't wrong in his approach to 'fights'. But neither were you. The main problem arose in that you both wanted to do it your own way, and didn't make allowances for the other person's preferences. Either of you. He insisted on clamming up, and you insisted on metaphorically beating him round the head with your PoV. This understandably led to frustration, resentment and nothing ever seemed to get truly resolved..... Neither of you had your needs met - but neither of you were willing to understand what the other person's needs were, and how you could both meet them. Sad. What a waste.....
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