CarrieT Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 he still wants to get married. Of course he does - we have explained why. There have been no repercussions to his indiscretion... he is the one who proposed with no pressure from me. Again - that is not an argument for maintain the relationship or the marriage. Of course he is the one pushing to solemnify your relationship. And you are allowing him to... iwe both picked the date and decided to keep it. So keep the "date" and postpone it for two or three years. THEN see if he still wants to go through with it and is worthy of you. 2
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 i dont mean to sound naive but why would someone propose, buy a house and get married if they didnt want to or didnt love the person and want to be with me? he could walk away now. he could find someone else. i dont see why someone would take it that far. if i doubted his intentions i would end it. we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed too. this is a huge life decision we have both made.
Sarabi Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 i dont mean to sound naive but why would someone propose, buy a house and get married if they didnt want to or didnt love the person and want to be with me? he could walk away now. he could find someone else. i dont see why someone would take it that far. if i doubted his intentions i would end it. we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed too. this is a huge life decision we have both made. Sometimes its too much hassle to find someone else. Someone said something earlier in the thread about single men making do with what they have and settling because they are too scared of being alone or too lazy to find someone who truly corresponds to their necessity... Just like when some committed partners don't leave their significant others because they fear the unknown...not because they are necessarily madly in love with the current partner Its just a safe place to stay because its fairly comfortable and not too much upheaval. ...There is nothing anywhere in anything that says people who get married have to be in love. Nobody has to be in love or even prove that love to get married. I can drag someone off the street tomorrow and marry them within a few days/weeks...as long as you can speak enough to repeat what someone is telling you to say (VOWS!)and write your name(SIGNING REGISTER) then you are eligible. Well...where I am plenty of people get married for papers/visas/indefinite leave to remain etc. some of those men go through it all with a woman here, get her money then they run back to their countries and use it for their wives/children over there. Cultural/religious obligations might lead to marriage (neither of which are necessarily to do with "love" either) At the heart of it, marriage has got nothing to do with love(although love helps!!!) look it up in a dictionary...it is a social union/legal contract between a couple to establish rights and obligations between people. Its security and stability. Human/animal emotions and feelings were established long before any man made law...? You can scream at me for that people but its true we are all shaking our heads at the numerous poorly matched, unsuitable, immature, unstable, incompatible, irresponsible etc. people all around us who are getting married every day and making a mockery of the institution. Anyway...if you feel its right then its up to you. No one can stop you from going after what you really want. 1
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 lady grey, in my situation he did not have a one night stand, he carried on with her for almost 2 months and said he had feelings for her. im trying to move past that and believe he would not do that again. i dont think there have been others since we have been engaged or since the affair has ended. he is not the type to have one night stands. i know some people might be frustrated but if you read my original post i am just trying to forgive a mistake.
2sunny Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 i dont mean to sound naive but why would someone propose, buy a house and get married if they didnt want to or didnt love the person and want to be with me? he could walk away now. he could find someone else. i dont see why someone would take it that far. if i doubted his intentions i would end it. we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed too. this is a huge life decision we have both made. You are sounding naive. Ask couples here who FACED the affair head on - and did the years of counseling and hard work to get to a point of feeling like they recovered and now have a healthy, honest, trusting relationship! lady grey, in my situation he did not have a one night stand, he carried on with her for almost 2 months and said he had feelings for her. im trying to move past that and believe he would not do that again. i dont think there have been others since we have been engaged or since the affair has ended. he is not the type to have one night stands. i know some people might be frustrated but if you read my original post i am just trying to forgive a mistake. That is NO mistake! It's purposeful! It's a decision HE MADE every day for months - knowing full well what he was doing would cause you pain IF/WHEN you found out! Yet - he ALLOWED it to continue - hoping you would never know! Well, that's NOT my version of loving behavior! You can call it what you want - but that's no mistake - it's really just crappy, selfish and self serving behavior! That is not a man that should get married any time in the next few years - he has tons of soul searching to do to become a man of integrity! And YOU need to find out why you would be so desperate to settle for so little! 3
2sunny Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 i dont mean to sound naive but why would someone propose, buy a house and get married if they didnt want to or didnt love the person and want to be with me? he could walk away now. he could find someone else. i dont see why someone would take it that far. if i doubted his intentions i would end it. we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed too. this is a huge life decision we have both made. Because he's insecure - needs tons of validation - and is afraid of being alone? Yep - that would be a good point for him to start with in counseling. What heavy lifting is HE DOING to repair the damage he caused - what's he doing to build a lifetime of trust? What's he doing to change the inside of himself that's so broken that he cheats? 5
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. The behavior you describe is symptomatic of people that cheat. When the going gets tough, they get going...into a relationship with someone else. The fog and fantasy of the affair shields them from the pressures of everyday life. So fast forward 5-10 years. One of you has lost your job and you have financial problems. Or you have a child in the hospital that takes time and resources away from your relationship. Or an ill parent that needs care moves in with you. How will he react then? i am overwhelmed too. But did you cheat ??? Mr. Lucky 2
CarrieT Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP, I have a question... You came to this site because you are obviously questioning his actions and motives. There have now been pages and pages of advice from older, wiser people who have gone through what you have gone through - people with experience in these matters and with people like your fiance. Why are you ignoring the overwhelming advice given and defending him? There must be something inside you that is still questioning moving forward with the wedding and I'm curious what that something is. 2
2sunny Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Instead of communicating that he wasn't happy - was overwhelmed - feeling pressured - his solution was to cheat! THAT'S the kind of man you are intending to marry. He needs to learn how to honestly and effectively communicate how he feels - and learn an honest and effective way to find healthy solutions that don't cause harm to others. He could have told you - broken it off with you - but he decided it was a good idea to hurt you instead - what a complete dork. 2
AbeNormal Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) This might not be completely coherent since I am very tired – I have been tired for many years now. My wife cheated on me before we were married, but I didn’t know the extent of that cheating (NEWSFLASH – those who cheat also lie!). And then she cheated on me after, and after that as well. I only recently (within the past two years) know – I think – about everything, after being married more than 20 years. My life has been an emotional hell (since I am a sensitive and, stupidly, trusting person) – if I spelled out the details I would (quite reasonably) be characterized as an idiot. I wanted it to be OK – much like you do... I truly believe my thing is over (as far as any future problems - not with dealing with past problems) - but we are now in our 50s and it is a shame so much of our lives have been tainted/consumed by this... Ok, enough of that. The issue of your BF cheating has been discussed in detail. Please consider the following. Matrimony is a holy sacrament of uniting a man to a woman. Through this holy sacrament, the man and woman become one, and “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5,6). Let not man separate. Let not a man attempt to separate. Let not a man engage in the process of that separation. This is an important issue - most certainly a man of character, who values the sacrament of matrimony, would never attempt to separate such a bond – or perhaps more to the point – would never engage himself with a married woman even if she did not value the sacrament of marriage. Again, a man of character, who believed strongly in the “institution” of marriage, would never get intimately involved with a married woman. I’m not particularly religious (although raised a Catholic as you might be able to tell), BUT I am all but certain about the following: The man you are contemplating marrying lacks the character, and most certainly the strength of character, to be a husband who will value his wedding vows. He has cheated on you. He has pissed on the sacrament of marriage. And then he has asked you to be his wife. Edited May 6, 2013 by AbeNormal 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I do agree with all the other posters here that think your man is not worthy of you and will certainly cheat again BUT.... From a purely cold and calculating point of view there are advantages to your going through with the wedding. You will get legal status by doing that. Is that what is driving this desire of yours to go through with it? To ignore the warning signals? I guess I understand that if so. I mean if you are going to give him your time, attention, your body, be in a relationship with him, why not take the legal status and the advantages that brings. Just don't lie to yourself and think he's not going to cheat.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 so many couples in this site have reconciled after an affair. why is this different? Omfg! I have been through the reconciliation process. Why? We have a CHILD together. We had a long-term, super-strong history that precluded anything cheat/affair-wise. We weren't DATING with NO KIDS. It behooves me that any young woman in a dating/engaged relationship is willing (AT ALL) to put up with this level of crap! Even with the vast, vast majority of couples that reconciled, they've had VERY long relationships, ( a lot 20+ years) with ONE instance of infidelity, not MANY and certainly not a PATTERN where the guy has actually brought someone in YOUR HOME. Maybe 1% of people who had an AP in their HOME would have reconed. MAYBE I know you aren't going to listen to me at all though. Unfortunately your the type that has to learn the worst, hardest, smack you into the wall kind of way. And he's the type that's going to wail "grabbing her tits at a party AIN'T cheating!" "That hotel room was rented for my friend." "we're just friends." "I thought you were more open-minded." "I feel bad enough already and it was last week, why don't you let it go?" "it's not like you didn't know what I was like." "I know we went through this before, this was just a one-time thing, I just needed some variety/change it up a little." "oh that girl? She's crazy. She's acting like we're all together and stuff. But I don't even know her very well. She's stalking ME." "hey, quit looking through my phone. That's my private business." "it was just an online thing. I wasn't seriously going to meet her" "Shes full of it, that kid ain't mine." "you knew darn well this was convenient for the both of us. How else were we going to keep the house?" Be prepared for a mix and match of the above. Thanks for playing! 3
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 he knows if he cheated going forward I will leave. he seems very sorry said it was a terrible mistake that went too far. he never meant for it to happen and got carried away. he would not cheat again and jeopardize our relationship. my parents are still together, they have a great marriage and i am close to them. he barely knows his dad amd his mom is on marriage number 3 so he has not had a good example but he does not want to turn out like his mother. He said he would stop cheating just like you said you'd leave. You're both lying to one another. You're going to try to fix, fix, fix, reach out, try to understand, love him better, try, try, try. While he sh*T's all over you. I did it for years. Until I finally realized that the only way I wasn't going to get cheated on in this marriage was not to have it exist in a form that I could be cheated on. I threw my husband out. The first time it was -25C (if that). He freaked about it being cold. I told him that he shouldn't have picked a cold day to cheat. I don't regret it. The second time was almost 2 years ago. He was gone for quite awhile. I picked myself up. Dusted off. Got to work much quicker this time. He, who thought everything in the world was my fault, ended up unable to puck himself up for a considerable amount of time. He ended up completely drunk and living in the back of his car. He's lucky he didn't end up charged with anything. Then he finally got help. He's still jerky. But now it's more of a '3' than a '10.' And that '3' better keep itself in check, because I really started enjoying my alone time.....
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 i dont mean to sound naive but why would someone propose, buy a house and get married if they didnt want to or didnt love the person and want to be with me? he could walk away now. he could find someone else. i dont see why someone would take it that far. if i doubted his intentions i would end it. we had put down deposits and sent out invites before the affair and he was feeling overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed too. this is a huge life decision we have both made. This is extremely naive. Maybe he cheats under pressure or for the thrill. Why would 'committing' preclude or override that? Ever notice that the first step to cheating is actually HAVING A PARTNER to begin with. Can't cheat if there's no one to cheat on. So, you're the first piece of the puzzle. The usual cheater wants a wife at home, taking care of the place, maybe bringing in some $$$. Someone to talk to, get the occasional screw. And then.....they want everything on the side too. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 lady grey, in my situation he did not have a one night stand, he carried on with her for almost 2 months and said he had feelings for her. im trying to move past that and believe he would not do that again. i dont think there have been others since we have been engaged or since the affair has ended. he is not the type to have one night stands. i know some people might be frustrated but if you read my original post i am just trying to forgive a mistake. Holy crap. That's way worse than an ONS. Jeez. You guys aren't even married yet.... 3
SueBee3490 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OMG!! This mirrors my situation so much I can't believe it! I was with my H for around 2 1/2 yrs when we married - looks like you have been together around 4. We also bought a home together before marrying (same as you). In my case, he also cheated before engagement (like you) and then even cheated after we engaged (again like you) just 3 weeks before marrying! I did know that he went out maybe a few months after we had started dating which I knew about and just chalked it up to our relationship being new and he wasn't sure. So I stayed with him. But when he assured me he would not do it again and I was so in love with him and wanted so desperately to believe him - I gave him another chance which I never should have. He did cheat with a few others after he told me he wouldn't. He said it was because he would have to move to my state and he didn't want to leave his family. How cheating plays into being scared about moving - I never did figure that out! People seem to think that if you aren't married, then you aren't committed as you are in marriage so what was I so mad about with him running around? After all, we weren't married. I have never gotten over it! This is 13 yrs. later and I have never trusted him again. Please don't get married. This betrayal will stay in your mind always. You will always be questioning where he is, what he's doing and it's no way to live. 3
Praying4Peace Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I read most of the responses here but not all. You seem to be sold by the fact that he still wants to marry you. Of course he does. He's 30! He wants the house, the wife and the kids and everything that goes with it. But he doesn't respect you. He is doing it for HIMSELF, not for you. He's begging to marry you because he loves himself. And it seems like from what you've researched you see that he'll never leave and that's good enough for you. You're probably right. Even if he cheats he'll never leave unless you dump him. And you'll see his crawling back home as some big sacrifice and test of his love. The test of his love? He's already flunked that. Please don't think that MOW isn't going to come back when the dust settles. And when she does he won't be able to resist and he knows what lines to feed you to get you to stay...namely "I didn't know! I had cold, warm, dry, rough (pick one) feet! Or at that point it'll be 'you were being mean, i was stressed about work, she contacted me first, she blackmailed me, i was helping her with her abusive husband who found out, she's just a friend now, why were you snooping in the first place, etc. etc." No matter what happens in a marriage there is this idyllic moment when you say "I Do" and all is right in the world. You have love in your heart and complete trust. The whole world is at your fingertips and you hold the hand of this person who you know loves you more than anyone else and has made a commitment to you because he cannot fathom being with or wanting to spend a moment with anyone but you. He's jump in front of a train for you, anything to be there for you!" You will never have that moment. Everyone should have that moment, even if it only lasts a month! I feel so sad for you. You want to sweep it under the rug bc you love him so much but one-way love and respect isn't enough. As for the BS's who reconcile- half of them get up sick to their stomach each morning and want to strangle their WS's every other day. They are just keeping the status quo waiting to see if they should leave or not. They are keeping things as is before completely uprooting their lives, their kids lives and their extended family. Doesn't seem like a picnic, aim a bit higher for yourself. And please print out all these responses, you'll need to reread them one day. I'm sorry if this is harsh- its just the truth. 2
Praying4Peace Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP one last thing- look at your screen name. I think you know what your problem is. ((HUGS)) to you, I know you're scared. One day it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you- finding out beforehand. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 That's it, isn't it? You think by him marrying you that he won't torch such a big commitment. You think by getting more involved with him that it increases the risk of what he has to lose! He wouldn't risk the house, the WIFE and the legal untangling? Ha. What he's seeing is this: The more I pull this kind of crap, the more she gives me. She clearly doesn't respect herself, so I'm not required to respect her either. I feel kinda bad though, so I'll listen to her cry on my shoulder. I'll give the whole 'faithful thing' my best shot. But I'm not going to take a bunch of her crap about it either. She knows the deal. But for now, she's clearly into me, I'm getting up there in age, want a couple kids (maybe) sick of not getting consistently laud in the single game, so I better lock this down now, keep the house and play on my terms. She won't suspect it, I just let it get a little too out of hand last time." You are with a man-child. 6
Sarabi Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Oh my gosh thank you Jesus. Yes, yes, 1000 times yes to dreamingoftigers post #156 Sorry. Its true...but like I've said before, its your life. Do as you please... 1
Sarabi Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Yeah this does sound kind of naive. Cheating selfish bastards buy houses and get married all of the time! Cheater types are often terrified of actually being alone. Much better if you can get someone securely tied down in marriage and then live it up in cheaterville all the while knowing that the dumb wife is waiting on them at home. Narcissists LOVE that Sh*T!! Why wouldn't he marry you? You love him, you accept his cheating, you make excuses for bad behavior and let him rug sweep by saying stupid things like he cheated for 2 months because he had cold feet. He'd be nuts not to marry you. You're exactly the kind of wife every cheater dreams of. ^^^^^^^^^^^^All very true..with the exception of the few former BS's who have truly reconciled or put a stop to their partners cheating So...you have the man, a house and an impending wedding...that people are telling you to delay. What are the chances... I bet 100% that you take the step to "solidify" your love and union by having a baby within the first year of this marriage... Anyway..what can we do ...? Guys. We tried... 1
worldgonewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 My family does not know. My guess is you're not sharing it with them, because in your heart you know they would say the very same thing most of us have said here to you. 4
worldgonewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 thank you to everyone who took the time to offer their advice. i know it is crazy but i am so completely in love with him. he even tattooed my initials on his ring finger after we got engaged. that showed me he really wanted this to work. he is my best friend and had a rough childhood. i have faith in him regardless. it isnt always so black and white. Best friends don't betray each other, the way he did with you. 3
worldgonewrong Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 As 11 pages of advice haven't given the OP any Road-to-Damascus moments, well, I'll take a hard right turn: Marry the guy. He slept with another woman while you were engaged. So what? He was practicing for the big show, right? He lied to you for 2 months while he carried on? Nah, "lied" is too strong. He was just too embarrassed to admit that the other woman was simply massaging his cold feet. Some people are sensitive about their feet. And anyway, the dude got a tattoo, for heaven's sake. So, you know, it's REAL. The ink was infused with curative personality powers in which he now thirsts for fidelity, truth, and warmer feet. He sounds like a catch. I say, GO FOR IT. 4
TigerCub Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 lady grey, in my situation he did not have a one night stand, he carried on with her for almost 2 months and said he had feelings for her. im trying to move past that and believe he would not do that again. i dont think there have been others since we have been engaged or since the affair has ended. he is not the type to have one night stands. i know some people might be frustrated but if you read my original post i am just trying to forgive a mistake. Tootrusting, do you even listen to yourself? Oh he didn't have a one night stand - he is not the type. No, he's above one night stands, but he will have an affair that drags out for months where there are feelings involved!...Yeah MUCH BETTER! You know what the few months affair means? It means that he had time to think about what he is doing to you and still be like "Ah well, I still want the other woman". Think about it, a ONS is definitely still cheating and still bad, but it could at least be seen as "ok, he f**ked up and he's sorry and he didn't do it again" This - what he did - means that he consciously chose to do something to betray you and risk what you have. He thought about it and decided over and over that you were not worth it, you were not valuable enough for him to stop. WHY can't you see that? If you walk down this path, you are sentencing yourself to a long haul full of sh.i.t I'm really sorry for what happened to you and I'm sorry that you are blinded by love, or desperation or denial that you can't see that you're walking into misery. I am truly sad for you 4
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