leonine Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I hear what everyone had said. I've pressed him for answers. I've read on affairs. Most men don't leave their wives (or fiancé in my case) for these women. Most men want to stay. I'm not forcing him to be here. But why do I feel uneasy. He is showing he wants us to work. I am frustrating myself every time I come back here. Must sound so pathetic. My heart wants this to work. Well, are you afraid of him leaving you, or are you afraid of him cheating on you again? I agree that it doesn't sound like he will leave you. If that's all you're concerned with and don't care about the rest, then go ahead and marry him with the knowledge that you may (or may not) be sharing him with other women from time to time. If you don't want to be cheated on though, I think you're heading into dangerous waters with him. He's failed you twice before things have even begun to get hard. If you still love him and want to see if he can avoid strike three, I get that, but I would still advise you to put marriage on hold for a while and PLEASE don't have any children with this man until he demonstrates some ability to be faithful. 2
2sunny Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Since you're so intent on marrying him - at least wait a year or two from now. In that time - get counseling. You're right, most men don't leave the one they cheat on - but a huge percentage just keep on cheating as the years go along! Why you would choose such a man is beyond me - but if you do - require him to do some serious soul searching about why he REALLY cheated. Men don't cheat because they get cold feet - they cheat because they figure they CAN without getting caught. And if caught hope for minimal consequences. You've not given consequences - so he's MORE likely to cheat again and just hide it better next time(s). 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 He said it was a mistake and that it just happened because he was feeling afraid but he realizes how much he loves me and would never jeopardize that again. Exactly why you should be concerned. Anyone that would label such a calculated decision as a mistake is a threat to cheat again. Think about it - someone in a committed relationship fully understands the potential pain, heartbreak and devastation that cheating can cause. And yet they make a conscious decision - their pleasure vs your pain - to go ahead anyway. Not much of a confidence builder as you contemplate a life with this person, is it? Listen to your intuition, it's trying to tell you something important... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Tootrusting13 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 i guess because I have given him the opportunity to walk away and he doesnt want to take it that I feel he is ready. He comes home to me everynight. I am not forcing him. Are there really people who get married if they dont want to? I cant even understand why someone would do that. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 i guess because I have given him the opportunity to walk away and he doesnt want to take it that I feel he is ready. He comes home to me everynight. I am not forcing him. Are there really people who get married if they dont want to? I cant even understand why someone would do that. My cat is perfectly happy with his set-up. Food, water, litter box, toys, catnip, shelf in the afternoon sun - he's got it all. But leave the side door open and he's gone in a flash, the call of the wild just too much for him to resist. And yet, he always comes back. So he must love me, right ??? Mr. Lucky 4
BetrayedH Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Just because he doesn't leave, has nothing to do with if he will cheat again. He wasn't looking for a replacement for you, he was looking for some strange, and some people get off on the whole act of cheating simply because they like it and they don't give a damn how much it hurts the one they profess to love........until they are caught, then they suddenly care, but yet if they don't address why they do it, he will do it again, makes no difference how much he cares. Also, you need to accept if you are going to stay with this man, that he already knows he can fool you, that he can cheat, and you'll pretend to be OK with it, just as long as he stays with you and doesn't leave. People will treat you how you allow them to. Also trust should be earned.......not given freely, and it should take years for him to earn your trust back, and not while you are married to him, before. I suspect you have low self esteem and you feel the need to be loved and you think this is the best you are going to get. I'm not beating up on you, been there, done that, got the t shirt. Get some help from a therapist, a counselor, someone to address this. Men smell this from a mile away and they will use this against you and hurt you with it. I bet if you felt better about yourself, you would kick his ass to the curb, because that is what strong women do, they make the man who has betrayed them, PROVE he is worthy of you. You ARE worthy of better than this and of him. Believe it! Great post. OP, the logic you are using for staying is that he is staying? His cheating is ok because he doesn't want to leave? Why does that make it ok for him to cheat and you to reward him with marriage? I'm all for people giving a second chance. But reconciliation takes years to develop any kind of confidence about it sticking. The flat out smart move is to delay your wedding and you know it. 1
freestyle Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Great post. OP, the logic you are using for staying is that he is staying? His cheating is ok because he doesn't want to leave? Why does that make it ok for him to cheat and you to reward him with marriage? I'm all for people giving a second chance. But reconciliation takes years to develop any kind of confidence about it sticking. The flat out smart move is to delay your wedding and you know it. Hey--he's gonna have it made! A woman who will be there conveniently to cook, do housework, raise children, iron his shirts, who will put up with anything he does. While he's out 'docking in another port'---he'll be able to rest assured that he can come home to having all of that menial stuff taken care of for him. Of course he'll stick around for someone who will write him a blank check for bad behavior. All he has to do is stick around...... OP---please wake up. Please. 6
dreamingoftigers Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Of course they don't leave..... they want to stay, but they want what they want when they want because cheating people have huge maturity and empathy issues. You can't possibly bring someone into your shared house to cheat without distinctly lacking respect for your partner and empathy for how that might feel for them. He might not want to "lose" you, but that doesn't mean that he focuses on how he might be affecting your life. It means he's focusing on optimizing his own life. It means that he wants the security of the relationship and possibly has some guilt over what he's done. BUT you already know how he treats you under pressure while you are DATING. Marriages, and most long-term relationships go through periods where you don't feel overwhelmingly in love with one another. Some days or weeks you don't even LIKE each other. Who is he when he doesn't like you, and you're not watching? You have that answer. And if he's not moving EVERY MOUNTAIN to show you monumental change without you bugging the crap out of his to do so, then, he doesn't get that. Furthermore, it is a seriously POOR investment to get married to someone so fresh off this type of incident. He's in his 30s now. That says a lot. 3
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 No one said that you don't love him, we know that is a fact. However, the fact that you love him does not mean this marriage will be successful. You can ask him all the questions you want, but he knows what you want to hear and he knows you want to believe him, because you love him. Why would he walk away, you have allowed him to eat his cake and have it too. The problem with doing nothing and marrying him as is just sweeps the problem under the rug, it is still there and will resurface again until it is dealt with here. I think that all people that get married should have to under go several hours of counselling to flesh out the problems that come up in all marriages and how do we deal with them when they arise. They should have to talk about children, religion, working, holiday schedules, house chores, budgets, investments, yada-yada-yada, even cheating and divorce. Instead most people go into marriage with there eyes wide shut and half of them end in divorce, bitterness and broken homes. I highly recommend that you get into counselling, so that your marriage is not another statistic. I know that you love the man that you think he can be, but you certainly don't love the man that is cheating. You cannot change him, no matter how much you love him, only he can do that. I recommend that exposing to family that this has occurred to get assistance from both sides of the isle. I think you will be surprised that they will be willing to help keep him accountable. If they won't help or if he does not want to go to counselling, will go a long way in telling what will be in store for your future. I don't think you should throw this relationship away, but you do need professional assistance.
Landa Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Ok here goes. I have asked him questions since my last post. 1. Why do you want to marry me. He says he regrets the affair and realized how he almost lost everything. How stupid it was and how much he loves me and our life together. 2. I asked about why it happened. He said it was a mistake and that it just happened because he was feeling afraid but he realizes how much he loves me and would never jeopardize that again. 3. I told him he could leave any time. He says he doesn't want anyone else but me. I hear what everyone had said. I've pressed him for answers. I've read on affairs. Most men don't leave their wives (or fiancé in my case) for these women. Most men want to stay. I'm not forcing him to be here. But why do I feel uneasy. He is showing he wants us to work. I am frustrating myself every time I come back here. Must sound so pathetic. My heart wants this to work. Its sad that you are so desperate to get married you don't care what he does and those are the same lines all cheaters use... you aren't his wife so you can't make that same comparison with yourself when it comes to the said "affairs' you've read about. Desperation is all I'm hearing from you and he knows it!!! Edited May 3, 2013 by Landa 2
Leigh 87 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 This man is a truly disgusting individual. I often wonder how on earth a person can go have sex with a women/see her multiple times per week, and then go back home to his GIRLFRIEND/fiancé/or wife:sick: Something is really wrong with these people. I have a super high sex drive, I love sex, I am impulsive and selfish and have NO will power - yet I would never cheat. Ever. This man is a different kind of PERSON to you - you sound like a women (like myself) who cannot cheat once she really likes or loves a man. It just does not enter our minds. We are too focused on what we have. I have learnt through loveshack that - people like your fiancé, and people like US are too different to be able to work well in a long term relationship. Do not get offended - it is likely it is not just YOU, and rather most girls this guy ever gets together with, that he will indeed cheat on. I mean, as much as he liked that other girl; he was still coming home and cuddling YOU. I am sure that girl would not have enjoyed that thought. If I were YOU - I would seriously get my affairs in order and take the steps I need to take to separate from this sorry excuse of a man. Life is short! Why waste your time with a man who cheats, when there are guys out there who would NEVER cheat on you! Guys who would truly only want to be with you. 3
ComingInHot Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 There is an old movie where a family moves into a haunted house. Shortly after they begin moving in, an invisible voice whispers clear as day, "Get ooouuut". They didn't listen at first, and very soon lived to regret it. They suffered They were persecuted Finally, they decided enough is enough and moved out. Final scene the family is in a new (unhaunted) home, happy & Living. Only regret is Not listening to the voice in the first place and wasting valuable life - time being abused by what they Knew was a bad "thing". My advice? "Get oouut!!!" * 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Sweetie and CIH both used the word abused to describe you. Think about it. Do you know or have you known anyone that is a victim of domestic violence. Infidelity is abuse. It is not going to show bruise marks on your body but you are beaten and abused mentally. That has the same effect on your behavior as if he was physically assaulting you and you were letting it continue. Don't get married. Get counseling, get help, get out. I say this to you even though I know you won't listen. You are beaten to a place where you can't hear me now. Maybe some day the advice that all these people are giving you will be recalled and you will then draw strength from them. Now, I know you will get married and the abuse will increase. Till you hit rock bottom. 2
Leigh 87 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 And DO NOT go to counselling!!!! Sorry, there is nothing to save. This guy either is not really in love with you ( most guys in love cannot come home to a girl, after they have been getting about with another women on the side) Guys like this are often too lazy to be single and wait for the right women to come along, and rather settle with women they really really like and care about and enjoy being with; but they are not truly in love with the women. Guys like this can also; have a weak character, and enjoy the benefits of having a women by their side, while they also enjoy a taste of other women. OR, if loves you as much as he CAN love a women, only; he has a SEVERELY reduced capacity to love. This is no consolation.... It means he is not capable of loving a women truly and deeply. The only other legit option is: he is truly a polygamous type of person, who can entertain two or more women at the same time. He is not capable of loving just one women, and does best when he shares his love equally, with two or more women. I would say it is a cross between ONE and TWO: he does not really love you that much (unless he is poly, he cannot really love you that deeply he is his out seeing another women to this extent. I also think he is a despicable person, who does not really know what it is to truly love a women. He sounds like he cares about you and will be upset if you leave him. Do NOT take this to mean that he is deeply in love with you. I can assure you, he isn't. 1
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 so many couples in this site have reconciled after an affair. why is this different?
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 i am not trying to be defensive but i dont understand the part how he blames me. he has owned up to cheating.
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 the reasons he gave were that he had cold feet basically. that it was all happening so fast (the wedding) and he did admit to the affair, has not spoken to the OW since and we are still planning the wedding. he has been attentive and even treated me to a couple of nice gifts. the pressure just got to him and he is sorry. but again, he is still with me. he doesnt want to leave or he could have left.
2sunny Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 He hasn't left because you are proving that he can cheat and you stay. You are betraying yourself - it's your choice at this point - to marry a known cheater. Expect him to also cheat throughout your marriage. That's only realistic - yet YOU are signing up for it. 3
Sarabi Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 so many couples in this site have reconciled after an affair. why is this different? Hmmmm...true. I'm sure there are many who will attest to a successful reconciliation ...but you don't know them personally How do you know that everyone is truly happy in their relationship? We are not the ones living their lives ... Each couple is different. I don't necessarily think that just because people stay "married" or "together" it means they have reconciled or their relationship is any better. Convenience/fear of being alone/too much upheaval etc. etc. etc.
Sarabi Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 He hasn't left because you are proving that he can cheat and you stay. Yes. 1010% true... ...and as others have stated before, you are a gem of a woman for him because of this very fact
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 he knows if he cheated going forward I will leave. he seems very sorry said it was a terrible mistake that went too far. he never meant for it to happen and got carried away. he would not cheat again and jeopardize our relationship. my parents are still together, they have a great marriage and i am close to them. he barely knows his dad amd his mom is on marriage number 3 so he has not had a good example but he does not want to turn out like his mother.
Sarabi Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Well anyway, at the end of the day, its up to you madam Do what you feel is right (only you know how you feel and what you can handle). Its entirely your decision. If you believe him and want it to work then good luck 1
CarrieT Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 he knows if he cheated going forward I will leave. he seems very sorry said it was a terrible mistake that went too far. I think he is more sorry that he got caught and there is a distinct possibility that you might never have found out... In that light, I believe he has learned how to continue cheating so that you don't find out. Many cheaters do... They learn the games of how to hide the cheating and you are too young to be able to see those patterns. hhe would not cheat again and jeopardize our relationship. . They always say that. The big question is - if he cheated because the wedding and all was happening way too fast, why are you pushing the wedding? Why not wait and put it on hold for a while? 5
2sunny Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Give him 2-3 years to PROVE that he can be faithful. In that time he needs counseling to find out why he really did it! And you need counseling too - to find out why you would take him back! 1
Author Tootrusting13 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 im definately not pushing the wedding. we have been engaged for over a year. we both picked the date and decided to keep it. he still wants to get married. he is the one who proposed with no pressure from me. he wanted to buy the house together.
Recommended Posts