summerdowling87 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 So let me get this right if I can. 1. He tells another woman that he loves her. 2. He brings another woman into your new home. 3. He cheats on you be for her ask you to marry him and after he asked you to marry him. 4. He breaks up with you after cheating on you and once he gets you back he cheats again? He doesn't sound like he loves you or respect you (IMO). Why do you still want this guy? he treats you like a doormat.
summerdowling87 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 He does it because he can, you need to take off the rose colored glasses. He has been cheating and only fessed up when he had been caught. Don't believe the "we just ended it line", that is just a bunch of BS. He will probably end it with this woman as her husband has laid down the law with her. He on the other hand will be a good boy just long enough to get back in your good graces and then that old wondering eye will start to focus on someone new. Now you can marry him and do this year after year or do what old Barney Fife recommended and just "nip it in the bud" right now. Or maybe the woman ended it with him and that's why he "begged" her to come back.
summerdowling87 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 thank you for everyones input. i do understand why everyone would feel that way. when he broke up with me last time (2 years ago) i think he may have started seeing the other woman before he officially ended it with me but i have no proof and when that ended he did come back to me and propose. he did only cheat the one time after we were engaged for those 2 months with her. yes it was only a month since we had moved into our place together but he seems remorseful and he is still with me. no matter what he does he still stays or comes back to me. that has to mean something right? i dont know if it is because he was possibly going to get caught that he told me. i read that many men get cold feet and act out this way under the pressure of buying a house and getting married soon. im still confused. it is hard to think of starting over and i want this to work. I think a lot of men/woman get cold feet. But if he did and he cheated on you cause he had cold feet then he had poor judgment and handling skills. God forbid if you two get into a real bind what will he do then. 1
2sunny Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 thank you for everyones input. i do understand why everyone would feel that way. when he broke up with me last time (2 years ago) i think he may have started seeing the other woman before he officially ended it with me but i have no proof and when that ended he did come back to me and propose. he did only cheat the one time after we were engaged for those 2 months with her. yes it was only a month since we had moved into our place together but he seems remorseful and he is still with me. no matter what he does he still stays or comes back to me. that has to mean something right? i dont know if it is because he was possibly going to get caught that he told me. i read that many men get cold feet and act out this way under the pressure of buying a house and getting married soon. im still confused. it is hard to think of starting over and i want this to work. He comes back because you allow it. He comes back because you've rewarded his bad behavior by taking him back - without having him DO the hard work that takes years to recover - by finding out why he cheats and how he's changed so he'll never cheat again. He hasn't done what's necessary. Sell the house! Don't see him anymore! You'll be doing yourself a huge favor!!!
Damia Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I have been in the exact same position as your self. Now none of us can predict the future but my story may be one path your future may take? Boyfriend cheated and I forgave him twice befor we got married. We were together 7 Years before married. Found out 5 yrs into marriage that our children had a half brother born a month after we were married! (2yr engagement) Married 14 yrs H had affair with his best friends wife ! I'm sure you can see a pattern?? I enabled him to have his cake an eat it to ! I thought if I loved him more an forgave him he would love me more too. I lost a little more of myself each time. 2 years after that he started an affair with a chick 19 years younger .When I confronted him he told me she had nothing ,had had a rough life and needed his help ! 2 years later they are still together and I am loving my freedom but also wondering how I let myself get that disrespected ? I still get stories from people about other cheating he was involved in ! Reading my story I'm sure you can see where I went wrong ,as most of the posters on this thread can predict the possible outcome from your words. Please do not rush into Marriage ,what is another 12 mths in life's plan ? 1
jnel921 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Give the ring back, sell your house and leave this guy. When you first mentioned that he was trying but still slept in another room, already messed up the foundation of your home by taking that woman and sleeping with her there. I am not sure why you haven't packed and gone. This guy is a loser, has no remorse and obviously doesn't care about you. Get out now! 1
SmokeRat Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 As a poster who is notorious for enabling and rewarding bad behavior, I can tell you with honesty that you need to leave. I was in the exact same environment that you are currently in, engaged when fiance started her long term affair. Married, and she continued the affair for another two years, even after I caught them on the couch, they just took it underground. You're fiance isn't remorseful, and neither was my wife until we filed for our divorce papers. Trust me, save yourself the stress and emotional lobotomy and just leave. Sell the house, and get out as soon as feasible. He will eventually learn what he really lost, but by that time you will have found someone who can truely love and care for you. 3
TigerCub Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I have been in the exact same position as your self. Now none of us can predict the future but my story may be one path your future may take? Boyfriend cheated and I forgave him twice befor we got married. We were together 7 Years before married. Found out 5 yrs into marriage that our children had a half brother born a month after we were married! (2yr engagement) Married 14 yrs H had affair with his best friends wife ! I'm sure you can see a pattern?? I enabled him to have his cake an eat it to ! I thought if I loved him more an forgave him he would love me more too. I lost a little more of myself each time. 2 years after that he started an affair with a chick 19 years younger .When I confronted him he told me she had nothing ,had had a rough life and needed his help ! 2 years later they are still together and I am loving my freedom but also wondering how I let myself get that disrespected ? I still get stories from people about other cheating he was involved in ! Reading my story I'm sure you can see where I went wrong ,as most of the posters on this thread can predict the possible outcome from your words. Please do not rush into Marriage ,what is another 12 mths in life's plan ? Although I am not in the OP's predicament, I just wanted to say Thank You for sharing your experience so honestly in hopes of warning someone else and just sharing with her what a likely outcome looks like. You seem like a very strong and compassionate person 2
Phoebe Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Now neither one of us can afford this house on our own and always talks about money so maybe that is why he wants to work this out so badly but we have been through a lot and I cannot seem to throw away 4 years of love. I decided to stay with him. Fast forward a couple months. I decided to forgive him. he seems sincere. wedding is still set in a few months...I want to forgive and move on. If this were happening to a friend what advice would you give to them? Probably the exact same advice that everyone here is giving you, basically leave him. Your head knows that to carry on and marry this man would be a mistake but you're letting your emotions rule. I think that you're scared about what to do with the house if you two break up. I think you're embarrassed to cancel the wedding this close to the date, that maybe you're ashamed to tell people that the reason for calling it off is because he cheated (you shouldn't feel ashamed, he is the one in the wrong). I think that you're scared of the unknown, what you're life will be like if you do leave him. Right now you would rather bury your head in the sand and continue with the familiar even though deep down you believe he will cheat again and you know that you are not happy. It's so much easier to make excuses for him and hold tightly to your hopes and dreams no matter how far they are from reality. You are probably going to marry this man, and one day you will look back at this point in time and wonder how you could have ignored everything that told you not to get married. You'll wonder how you could possibly have been so naive. You'll also realise that although walking away from a 4yr relationship seemed like throwing away years of your life at the time, that it was easier to end it then and that you just ended up giving even more years of your life to someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe I'm completely wrong about this, but I'm basing this off of my own painful life lessons. I can honestly say that whenever my head told me to leave but I ended up giving second chances and the benefit of the doubt to people I always ended up in a worse position than I started in. 1
Author Tootrusting13 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 I do appreciate everyone's advice. What I struggle with is reading all these stories of all the people who took back their partners after finding out exactly what I found out. The only difference is we dont have a piece of paper saying we are married.
SmokeRat Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Don't worry about the finances. Money isn't the be all and end all of your life, I was perfectly willing to live in the back of the fire hall until I could get back on my feet. You're in a toxic environment, please get out. I ended up staying with my STBXW for another 2.5 years after catching her banging her co-worker. It never got in the way of my work life, but my personal life is a mess right now. Listen to the people here, take in everything they say. Hell, read my story because it mirrors yours so closely. Leave love, get out while you are ahead and find an individual that truely values and cares for you.
nofool4u Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Marrying in a couple months but he already cheated Its real simple, RUN as fast as you can away from this guy. Don't worry about the invitations, the plans, the money already spent. You will regret it later if you marry this douche. 1
freestyle Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 He brought another woman into YOUR home. (I want you to see that sentence , standing all by itself---because it screams VOLUMES about his character, and lack of respect for you) 5
Author Tootrusting13 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 Ive done a lot of reading and soul searching. I believe that he loves me and is committed to making this work. He was not himself when he was seeing her. The pressure of marriage and a new house and money built up and he acted out. I believe we can conquer these problems together. Ive read about affair fog and dont believe he actually loved her or had feelings but that he got carried away. He didnt want her, he stayed with me. He realized he couldnt throw away our life together. It has been a few months now and he has not done anything suspicious and has been a great fiance. We really are building a life together.
CarrieT Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 I believe that he loves me and is committed to making this work. I'm sure you believe he loves - and he probably does in his limited fashion - but is it enough? He was not himself when he was seeing her. Bullsh*t!!!!! He was EXACTLY himself - but the "himself" that you do not want to acknowledge really exists. The pressure of marriage and a new house and money built up and he acted out. Why are you making excuses for him? I dont believe he actually loved her or had feelings but that he got carried away. What does it matter if he had feelings for her? HE BROUGHT HER INTO YOUR HOME. He didnt want her, he stayed with me. Because you let him have his cake and eat it too. It has been a few months now and he has not done anything suspicious and has been a great fiance. We really are building a life together. Of course he has not done anything suspicious. He is under a microscope and knows it. I would SO not marry this man.... 4
donnabella8 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 The pressure of marriage and a new house and money built up and he acted out. So what happens when you get married and have the pressure of: *pregnancy (or infertility) *job loss *job stressors *illness *illness in family *death in family *depression *not enough income to pay bills *he stubs his toe and it REALLY hurts Ok, just kidding about the last one, but seriously, not to be maudlin, but the above are stressors that routinely happen in a marriage. He's already proven to you how he deals with stressors, what makes you think that will change if you marry? Please think long and hard about this - this is not make-believe, you CANNOT change another person. This is real life and right now you have a CHOICE not to make this mistake. Don't take that lightly. 5
TigerCub Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 One day you're going to open your eyes and see him for what he really is and by then it will be just "too complicated to leave" because at that point it will entail a divorce, splitting of assets and there may be children in the picture that you will need to be thinking of. It's sad that you know he's lied to you, cheated on you, and humiliated you and you're still willing to bind yourself to this fool. Question: Does your family know of his cheating? 3
Author Tootrusting13 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 My family does not know. He did make a mistake. There is only one instance of cheating since we have been engaged. The other time, which I dont even know for sure, happened pre-engagement (I believe he started seeing her before he officially broke up with me). Im not saying the first time didnt count just that we were not engaged at the time. He came back to me after that realizing he wanted to spend his life with me and this time he has been NC with the married woman. So many BS have reconciled as I read the posts.
CarrieT Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 TooTrusting, I only ask one favor in all this... Print out this entire thread and put it away somewhere safe. Re-read it in five years and see if anything we have spoken to you rings true. Please. 2
nofool4u Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Ive done a lot of reading and soul searching. I believe that he loves me and is committed to making this work. He was not himself when he was seeing her. The pressure of marriage and a new house and money built up and he acted out. The "pressure" doesn't diminish after getting married. If anything, you get more of it. I believe we can conquer these problems together. Ive read about affair fog and dont believe he actually loved her or had feelings but that he got carried away. He didnt want her, he stayed with me. He realized he couldnt throw away our life together. It has been a few months now and he has not done anything suspicious and has been a great fiance. We really are building a life together. Ok then, good luck with that. 2
TigerCub Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) My family does not know. He did make a mistake. There is only one instance of cheating since we have been engaged. The other time, which I dont even know for sure, happened pre-engagement (I believe he started seeing her before he officially broke up with me). Im not saying the first time didnt count just that we were not engaged at the time. He came back to me after that realizing he wanted to spend his life with me and this time he has been NC with the married woman. So many BS have reconciled as I read the posts. Why doesn't your family know? Could it be because you would look like a doormat to them? I'm sorry if this sounds mean... but.. I don't know why you think that just because he came back it means he's really sorry and wants to be with you and only you. Yeah he wants to be with you, maybe it is because breaking off the engagement is a hassle and I dunno if you guys live together or not - but if you do, then moving out would be a hassle too and he could care about you - I'm not saying he doesn't but is it enough? DO you want THAT kind of love? Maybe he's choosing you once more because he knows with you - he can have the gf/wife whatever and still score on the side and you'll still forgive and take him back. Why would he not go back to that? And yeah a lot of BSs do reconcile, but at that point a lot of them have so much invested and have kids to think about and a bunch of them were stay at home parents and are kind of trapped. It seems like a lot of hard work to reconcile and learn to trust again and get past the betrayal and try to heal and yeah some of them go through it and it's worth it in the end, but they went through all that crap because they had so very much at stake. Whatever, it's your life and your decision (obviously). But honestly, would you wonder every time his phone rings who it is, would you wonder who he chats with online? Do you wonder what he's really doing when he goes out with his "friends"? If you are 100% ok with it all and you wont be going insane wondering about every little thing that he does and who he associates with then yeah, maybe you can reconcile and be happy. IMO, I wouldn't know how you would be able to get to that state though. Edited April 2, 2013 by TigerCub 2
Author Tootrusting13 Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 but if he didnt love me, didnt want to make it work, why is he still here. we have a house together, getting married in a couple of months. if he wanted to be out there with other women he could be. he isnt. he is with me. this is what makes it hard. this is why i dont want to throw it all away. im not sure of any other passive aggressive behaviour. during the affair he was distant and said he was having doubts about getting married but he is not any more. he has put a lot of work and money in the house and would not be able to afford it without me but i do not think anyone would get married just to avoid losing a house. he wants to be married. i did not force him to propose. it was a complete surprise.
CarrieT Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 but if he didnt love me, didnt want to make it work, why is he still here. Because he is scared and you are safe - allowing him his indiscretion and the safety net to continue his lifestyle. we have a house together It is just a "thing" and nothing else. if he wanted to be out there with other women he could be. But he DID. i dont want to throw it all away. HE threw it away! He betrayed your trust! And you let him getaway with it. I would put $1,000 down that he WILL do it again. I am way too experienced with this kind of guy to know this and am confident I would win the bet. he has put a lot of work and money in the house and would not be able to afford it without me NOW you have a real explanation that makes sense. He needs your purse strings so he is bending over backwards to make things right with you. But I still doubt he will remain faithful. but i do not think anyone would get married just to avoid losing a house. People do it all the time. Stay on this site a while and you will read dozens upon dozens of stories of people staying in loveless/sexless/thankless relationships for less. 6
2sunny Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 IF/since you are determined to marry this douche - then you should both do individual counseling AND Couples counseling every week for the next 5 years. THEN - after 5 years - decide if you still want to marry him. 4
2sunny Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 You are choosing to close your eyes to what's real. You are getting great advice from folks who've been there, done this. You should take the advice given. 4
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