messy separation situation

[blueframboise]

Hi everyone,

Been lurking on this board for a while, thought I'd share my story. For the record, I'm already in therapy, but it's been a tough couple of months and I just wanted to share my story for those in similar situations and maybe to get some advice.

 

I am 26, and currently separated from my husband. We got married less than two years ago...he proposed to me in grad school after only a few months of living together, even though we had been dating on and off for several years prior. I was a bit surprised by the proposal, even tried to break it off at one point and suggested we should wait until we were in our late twenties...but he sort of shot me down/became angry. So we were married quickly, and thus began a marriage in which he became verbally abusive and somewhat controlling. I separated from him in November, and in the time we've been apart he hasn't gone to any individual counseling, saying it's too expensive, etc. etc. I feel that I should have pushed harder for marriage counseling, but days before I was moving out he threatened to hurt himself and was becoming irrationally angry, so I just figured I'd get the hell out and let us both work on our issues individually.

 

To complicate matters, I began an affair last spring with someone who I suspect has some emotional health issues of his own. He led me to believe he was in a similar situation, unhappy with a live-in gf, and since she was leaving the country soon I figured in some messed up way we could have an 'exit' affair together, he even offered to help me find an apartment when he knew I was planning to move out from my H. We remained in contact, until he sort of disappeared a few months ago, and then apparently he and the gf are now engaged (I found out via FB) and when I confronted him about why did he lead me on AND cheat thus hurting two women when his relationship apparently wasn't that bad after all, he became extremely defensive and I haven't heard from him since. I know, I know, the affair was extremely dysfunctional.

 

Anyway, since I moved out, my husband hasn't made efforts to change. No therapy on his part, etc. etc. he also has weight and health issues and hasn't made an effort to work on that either. I am an extremely picky person when it comes to relationships, and having a family and kids is really important to me, thus why I feel like maybe I should try to 'fix' things and I also feel bad easily, thus keep beating myself up over the affair and maybe not pushing harder to get my husband into marriage counseling. My therapist and friends say to proceed with the divorce, and I know that is what I will do, but my soon-to-be-ex isn't ALL bad, and I just feel like I should stay married and admit that we will have to be in intensive counseling for awhile. On the other hand, I know that my affair was a desperate attempt to find a guy who WASN'T verbally abusive/had anger issues. I guess my question is, for those of you who have been in situations that are similar, how do you stop 'missing' your abuser or feel like you didn't try hard enough to get him to change. I keep beating myself up and say instead of starting the affair, maybe I should have gone to marriage counseling, but then it's frustrating when I meet men/have guy friends who aren't controlling/angry to begin with. How do I convince myself it's not my responsibility to 'fix' an abuser? It's also depressing that my affair turned out to be not in a similar situation after all, and now that I know I'm capable of cheating and got involved with two men who are sort of jerks, I feel discouraged about dating in general, and that I should throw all my energy into repairing my marriage, but I don't think my husband really wants to change, seeing as he hasn't gone to therapy at all in the past few months.

Edited March 15, 2013 by blueframboise

[2sure]

Have you been in therapy?

[ver13]

Hi everyone,

Been lurking on this board for a while, thought I'd share my story. For the record, I'm already in therapy, but it's been a tough couple of months and I just wanted to share my story for those in similar situations and maybe to get some advice.

 

I am 26, and currently separated from my husband. We got married less than two years ago...he proposed to me in grad school after only a few months of living together, even though we had been dating on and off for several years prior. I was a bit surprised by the proposal, even tried to break it off at one point and suggested we should wait until we were in our late twenties...but he sort of shot me down/became angry. So we were married quickly, and thus began a marriage in which he became verbally abusive and somewhat controlling. I separated from him in November, and in the time we've been apart he hasn't gone to any individual counseling, saying it's too expensive, etc. etc. I feel that I should have pushed harder for marriage counseling, but days before I was moving out he threatened to hurt himself and was becoming irrationally angry, so I just figured I'd get the hell out and let us both work on our issues individually.

 

To complicate matters, I began an affair last spring with someone who I suspect has some emotional health issues of his own. He led me to believe he was in a similar situation, unhappy with a live-in gf, and since she was leaving the country soon I figured in some messed up way we could have an 'exit' affair together, he even offered to help me find an apartment when he knew I was planning to move out from my H. We remained in contact, until he sort of disappeared a few months ago, and then apparently he and the gf are now engaged (I found out via FB) and when I confronted him about why did he lead me on AND cheat thus hurting two women when his relationship apparently wasn't that bad after all, he became extremely defensive and I haven't heard from him since. I know, I know, the affair was extremely dysfunctional.

 

Anyway, since I moved out, my husband hasn't made efforts to change. No therapy on his part, etc. etc. he also has weight and health issues and hasn't made an effort to work on that either. I am an extremely picky person when it comes to relationships, and having a family and kids is really important to me, thus why I feel like maybe I should try to 'fix' things and I also feel bad easily, thus keep beating myself up over the affair and maybe not pushing harder to get my husband into marriage counseling. My therapist and friends say to proceed with the divorce, and I know that is what I will do, but my soon-to-be-ex isn't ALL bad, and I just feel like I should stay married and admit that we will have to be in intensive counseling for awhile. On the other hand, I know that my affair was a desperate attempt to find a guy who WASN'T verbally abusive/had anger issues. I guess my question is, for those of you who have been in situations that are similar, how do you stop 'missing' your abuser or feel like you didn't try hard enough to get him to change. I keep beating myself up and say instead of starting the affair, maybe I should have gone to marriage counseling, but then it's frustrating when I meet men/have guy friends who aren't controlling/angry to begin with. How do I convince myself it's not my responsibility to 'fix' an abuser? It's also depressing that my affair turned out to be not in a similar situation after all, and now that I know I'm capable of cheating and got involved with two men who are sort of jerks, I feel discouraged about dating in general, and that I should throw all my energy into repairing my marriage, but I don't think my husband really wants to change, seeing as he hasn't gone to therapy at all in the past few months.

 

I highlighted a few things because when you look at them they tell a story. For one it appears that you never really wanted to get M when you did it in the first place. You also have said a lot about your H not getting help with is issues which by the way is totally up to him. The PA that you got involved with and some of the other quotes sort of sound like someone that doesn't want to be alone. Even though they have issues of their own to deal with. IMHO you need to continue with the IC and leave H alone until you figure out who you are and what you want out of a relationship. All of this focusing on his issues and the EXOM have nothing to do with how you handled yourself in the relationship. H has issues with women that he needs to resolve by hisself and you are not in a position to help him through this. Focus on you for right now and the rest will work it's way out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I confronted him about why did he lead me on AND cheat

Not going to comment on your Husband since he's not the one posting here.

 

You seem to have perfected the art of taking numerous moral and ethical shortcuts - marrying someone you didn't love, cheating on that marriage, getting angry with your AP when he reconciled with his GF - and then wondering why the rest of the world doesn't play by the rules. You're being treated by the people around you in exactly the same deceptive and thoughtless way you treat them. It's called karma...

 

Mr. Lucky

[imtooconfused]

blueframboise, I guess I am going to first say that you have a lot of courage for posting your story here, especially knowing that you will get a lot of negative feedback on your situation. On the other hand, I don't know what you are really expecting to hear back in terms of advice. An Internet forum is not a good way to make a decision.

 

Having said that, I can offer only a few words. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, it's impossible to expect anyone to change their behavior for you. The characteristic that we would like to improve in our partner is much more likely to get worse than it is to get better. You should count your blessings that your other-man friend showed his true cheating, lying behavior while he was still with his live-in and not after he moved in with you. Let that be a lesson in what to look for in future relationships because a cheater will not give up cheating for you. They will simply put that behavior aside for a short while.

 

As for your husband's anger and controlling habits, if he does not recognize them as being a problem now, he never will. Your expectation that this will change is unfounded, even if he were to take up individual counseling.

 

If you are still weighing whether or not your marriage is worth preserving, I highly recommend the following book. It's really good for this kind of thing:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship: Mira Kirshenbaum: 9780452275355: Amazon.com: Books

[jf2good]

Okay you screwed up, you had an affair you know it and you know you should have went to counseling first, so I am not casting any stones, been there done that same mistake myself.

 

You are always going to feel guilty that you should have done more, you have a conscious on one shoulder say give him another change, and the devil on the other angry about his past verbal abuse. However, you know the right thing to do for your own happiness, you can't fix someone else, especially if they don't try. Too often abusers blame the victims, you made me say those terrible things, you made me hit you and so on because they are in total denial of their own actions.

 

Move on, get a divorce. You should not try again, else you will end up with more problems like married to someone who is abuse and controlling and maybe with kids involved. Don't make the same mistakes I have made. You can't fix someone no matter how much you love them.

 

Get counseling so you understand why you are attracted to these type of men. Learn what to watch out for next time.

 

Best of luck.

[blueframboise]

imtooconfused-thanks for the book rec, and i also agree that the best predictor of past behavior is future behavior...i know deep down that both men are no good, and that part of the blame is on myself for making poor choices in men, something i've been working on in therapy.

 

and yes, the affair really complicates things...the moment i started the affair i should have just cut it off and made my h go to counseling, rather than let the affair drag on for a year. i'll always feel guilty for that, but then again, after i moved out and my h still didn't want to get help, i realized why i had been so frustrated in my marriage to begin with. i know i definitely have a lot of work to do in therapy.