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Could she feel attracted again if we were to meet up in the future?

Ready36

By Ready36
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ready36 Member

Ready36

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I should point out that we have agreed no contact henceforth as she said it is not fair - especially on me. OK...

 

We have been broken up about 5 months, we were together just under 7. We were both crazy about each other. She often said how attracted she was to me. Ironically, in the beginning when I was playing it Mr. Cool is when she seemed most attracted to me. She always used to say how sexy I was. I don't think I was EVER a clingy guy - we saw each other a couple of days a week tops, spoke everyday she always rang me and emailed during work (we live 30 miles apart).

 

We had taken things very slow, in fact it was 3 months before we agreed we were an item and it seemed like a very big deal for her - but she was the one that said "I hope you don't mind, but I tell people you are my boyfriend". That night we also told each other that we loved each other. Up until then it had kind of been a fairytale romance. We NEVER argued......

 

One day she rang and said the interest and attraction had gone - she said she had just woken up one morning and felt differently about me. She said she had been blaiming it on hormones as she had had to have two morning after pills in a month after 2 accidents and the situation with her best friend moving away. She said the last time we had been together in bed it had felt "awkward". She said the other reason was that she just wanted to be by herself - she doesn't think she wanted to be with anyone and is thinking of going travelling.

 

I was gutted. She had been a little 'off' the last few weeks. She said one day about a month before "I just don't feel myself at the moment and don't know why, but it is NOT you". On the night we last had sex she had been off again but as we were falling asleep she said "I love you, I don't know what's the matter with me at the moment but I keep having pains in my chest (she seemed to keep having attacks lasting a few seconds) I just feel like I am on a train going 100mph and I just want to get off, and my firends keep coming to me with all there problems - you are the most stable thing in my life right now".

 

 

She kept telling me she loved me right up until the end. Just a few days before she ended it, she text me saying "you are always on my mind lately and I just want to be sat there cuddling you". She even gave me a surpise visit 3 days before as she said she "missed me".

 

She has had a lot of bad stuff happen to her in the past. Her dad left her when she was young, she had a boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her for 6 months. Her last guy had sex with her when drunk and she had to habe an abortion and counselling. This was about 8 months before we met. She hadn't had a serious relationship in a long time before me- just casual flings. I just tried to be supportive, be there for her, spoil her a bit more and take care of her.

 

She said things (that I just put down to age - she was just turning 23 and I'm 29) like I'm not sure if I ever want to get married, I don't want kids, if I was ever in a relationship where the attraction went or there were issues in the bedroom (of the 'performance' kind) then she would know that was it etc. But I should point out in many ways, she was ahead of her years in terms of knowing herself - although she never really talked about feelings and said once "thank you, I never thought I would ever feel about someone again as I do about you - I never thought I could miss a guy"... About a month before her feelings allegedly changed!!!

 

 

 

Since we broke up I have made contact, despite agreeing not to. I called a couple of weeks later - I needed answers as I just couldn't get my head round why she had suddenly felt differently after being so into me. She said I was the perfect boyfriend. She said she didn't know why, but knew that if she felt this way about me and I had been the perfect boyfriend she knew she didn't want to be with anyone and just wanted to be by herself and "sort herself out". She said that her mom had told her "If you had met M*** in 2 years that would have probably been it".

 

Then, nightmare - 2 months later (NYE) I am out in the city she lives - I see her. I think she may have seen me and tried to go past (not sure). I say hi, we hug and it was obviously a bit awkward. I then see she is seeing a guy. She is not seeing him now, he was bad news. I was STUPID, kept trying to talk to her, must have looked like an idiot. WHat's worse, in my drunken idiocy the guy came and started talking to me - telling me he was going to end it, for me to move on as I seem like a good lad and she is a "messed up girl, struggling with her mom and dad's breakup". He says if I want to go for a drink with him to talk about it, to do so. Now to anyone sober and in the right frame of mind this is insane. But I said "OK mate"... she found out and naturally wasn't happy. WHat an idiot I was...

 

But anyway, after a few not so pleasant txts/calls were exchanged we both apologised and agreed we would forget this as we had ended on good terms. 3 weeks later, I sent her a kind of 'good bye' e-mail, summing up why I thought it had gone wrong - telling her I was dating again (I'm not). I said I'm not expecting a response, but I got one and a very nice one at that. This is what it said:

 

M***

 

Thanks for your email. Just for the record you don’t need to explain yourself to me, I know you probably don’t understand or believe me when I say you did nothing wrong, but, you really did nothing wrong. I know the typical saying ‘its not you, its me’ never washes with people but believe me it is true. Of course I was really attracted to you, had such strong feelings for you, had such a good laugh with you and always enjoyed being in your company but I don’t think I wanted to be in a relationship, so for that, I apologise. I know I have a few ‘issues’ (I HATE that word haha) that I need to sort out. I liked the fact you were a caring person m*** and in all honesty you acted exactly the same as any other decent boyfriend in the world….. it wasn’t the way you acted….it was me!!!

 

I am pleased you have started dating again, and I really do hope you find a girl that wants the same things as you because you deserve it. Even after the NYE episode I have never felt inclined to say a bad word against you, my family and my friends know you to be ‘the lovely boyfriend I once had’ – I was just in a bit of a weird place and still am. As much as you probably wont believe me, I am not dating…. That guy you ‘met’ on NYE was nothing (not to mention he turned out to be a nasty piece of work) but my point is…..i didn’t finish our relationship to find someone ‘more exciting’ ‘better’, I finished it because its not what I wanted with ANYONE! I am struggling with a lot of stuff at the moment and I am happier being by myself and being in relationships with my friends – especially charlotte (we are going out on valentines day haha).

 

I have contemplating leaving and going away for a while, have been looking into it these past few weeks….. I am just so sorry you have been sat there wanting to apologise or explain yourself. You don’t need to do that with me…. You shouldnt change yourself or justify who you are because quite frankly, you really are one of the good ones and one in a million and any girl is lucky to have you – I rarely say that about the s***e I have dated, in fact normally the opposite, but with you I mean it!!! It’s a good thing I ended our relationship when I did because I wouldn’t have wanted you to be with me when im the way I am at the moment, it would not have been fair on you.

 

Anyway, I hope things are looking up for you and I really do wish you all the best!! Youre an absolute gem m*** and if you don’t take anything away from this conversation…please PLEASE take away the fact, this was not your fault and you couldn’t have done anything better, you were great just the way you were.

 

X x x

 

I'm no idiot, I know things are over - she needs space etc. unfortunately I have also found out she has just started dating this really good looking guy who is friends with her sister!!!

 

 

I also realise things are more than likely over for good. But my question is I suppose:

 

Do you think she might (when her head is right) ever consider giving it a 2nd shot?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Er....

 

 

Well.....

 

 

No.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
Posted

That's not a healthy question. Regardless of the answer, you need to move on.

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Ready36 Member

Ready36

Posted
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Er....

 

 

Well.....

 

 

No.

 

 

 

I just think (or at least would like to think) that when she is a little older, say in a couple of years she may actually want a relationship and remember that one time we were happy and give it another shot?

 

 

Not sure though when it comes to attraction - is it gone for ever?

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
Posted
I just think (or at least would like to think) that when she is a little older, say in a couple of years she may actually want a relationship and remember that one time we were happy and give it another shot?

 

 

Not sure though when it comes to attraction - is it gone for ever?

 

You need to stop thinking about it. You'll never heal or move on if you keep thinking like that. You'll just be waiting for her to change her mind.

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Ready36 Member

Ready36

Posted
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You need to stop thinking about it. You'll never heal or move on if you keep thinking like that. You'll just be waiting for her to change her mind.

I do understand that honestly I do and I have moved on leaps and bounds. It is a hypothetical question, more than anything. It's just that I have heard some people say that once it's gone it's gone forever. Others that as people grow (both) they could see what they once saw in one another.

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
Posted

You never know.

Jono85 Established Member

Jono85

Posted
Posted
I just think (or at least would like to think) that when she is a little older, say in a couple of years she may actually want a relationship and remember that one time we were happy and give it another shot?

 

 

Not sure though when it comes to attraction - is it gone for ever?

 

Contrary to what she told you, and what you may believe, it wasn't because she "honestly doesn't want a relationship or to date anyone right now". that's pure BS 100%. Accept that. She lost attraction to you. It may have been something you did, or may not have been anything you did. All it means is you guys aren't right for eachother. Can she be attracted to you in the future? There's a small chance. I say that because you don't know the REASONS why she started losing attraction; no one does, regardless of what their ex may tell them. And it would be silly for you to try and better yourself, for her, when whatever made her lose attraction for you may be out of your control (could be ingrained in your personality, or could be something about HER that changed, or she realized about what she wants in a partner).

 

Bottom line, is just move on. She isn't right for you. May you one day reconnect, and hit it off? It's possible, but again, highly unlikely, so don't bother initiating contact with her again (which is further killing any shred of attraction she might still have).

 

But it's my belief, that once a girl starts to feel sorry for you, or pity you (as she has shown in her email), the attraction is probably deaded for good. It's a sh*tty thing, I've been through it recently, but just got to let go completely. It'll get better.

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TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted
I just think (or at least would like to think) that when she is a little older, say in a couple of years she may actually want a relationship and remember that one time we were happy and give it another shot?

 

 

Not sure though when it comes to attraction - is it gone for ever?

 

 

Oh boy, here we go. Classic 'just keep going until 'no' turns to 'yes'....:rolleyes:

 

The attraction, if you hadn't noticed, is already gone, and as far as she is concerned went a while ago.

You may feel it - of course you do - because you still have feelings for her. But as far as she's concerned, there is nothing more there, and nothing more to be said.....

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

No way to say. But holding on hope for it guarantees that it won't happen.

Minneloa Established Member

Minneloa

Posted
Posted

Hypothetical questions like these steal your mental and emotional energy and keep you suspended between the past (nostalgia for the relationship you had) and the future (hope that you will reconcile).

 

This is a coping mechanism because the present moment (loss of ex) is so painful. Unfortunately, all we have is the present.

 

I urge you to set aside these thoughts as much as possible and focus instead on your own grieving and healing processes. If you avoid your pain, it will not miraculously go away. No way out but through.

 

M.

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Ready36 Member

Ready36

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Oh boy, here we go. Classic 'just keep going until 'no' turns to 'yes'....:rolleyes:

 

The attraction, if you hadn't noticed, is already gone, and as far as she is concerned went a while ago.

You may feel it - of course you do - because you still have feelings for her. But as far as she's concerned, there is nothing more there, and nothing more to be said.....

 

I don't think that's a fare comment. I know how she feels now and I accept that. We are no contact and I'm not hounding her to change her mind. I'm simply asking if it is possible one could regain attraction again if say, in the future, you are for all intents and purposes the guy they are looking for - but they lost feelings for you once before.

 

 

Are girls able and willing to give a guy a second shot or will their views always be tainted?

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted
I don't think that's a fare comment. I know how she feels now and I accept that. We are no contact and I'm not hounding her to change her mind. I'm simply asking if it is possible one could regain attraction again if say, in the future, you are for all intents and purposes the guy they are looking for - but they lost feelings for you once before.

 

 

Are girls able and willing to give a guy a second shot or will their views always be tainted?

 

They can, but wondering if they will does you no good. Asking this question is counterproductive.

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