Sex with the Ex

[asdfasdf1234]

Oh boy, am I a complete idiot. Quick summary: been in two year long relationships with same girl, broke up for a three month stretch in between, and just broke up again about three months ago (I broke up with her). Did the NC thing where I didn't respond and she messaged me but I didn't reply. After a while my mind started saying, "dude she is just asking you how your life is going and your family, she's curious, what's the harm?" OK. So I start texting back. First, one a week or so, then once every few days. Fast forward, every day.

 

All casual stuff for a good month. Then, one night she texts me that she is so freaking horny and please come over. I say, NO F'ING WAY! Then she says look, my life is going great right now, I would never want to go back to the misery that was our relationship. I still don't believe her and tell her she is full of it. She keeps insisting this isn't the truth, she just wants some no strings attached sex with someone who knows her intimately.

 

One of the hardest things for me to handle is how beautiful this girl is. She is a model (a PAID model), and is probably one of the most attractive women I've ever MET, definitely dated.

 

So I get over there, we have sex (it's decent but kinda weird), and I leave saying we probably shouldn't talk for a while if we're gonna be f*** buddies.

 

Next night I am out with my guy friends, having drinks. I get kinda intoxicated and am heading home. She texts me. I get mad and say WTF? We agreed! She says she's sorry and please can I come over. If we have sex tonight she won't contact me for a week. I know what you are all thinking, and the truth is I wasn't thinking. I knew it was bull**** deep down but the alcohol made me say, "F*** IT." So I go over there and we proceed to have the best nookie of my life, seriously like 6 hours. It's way too passionate for F buddy sex. The next morning I leave (another mistake, shoulda left right after but I guess at that point it didn't matter).

 

That night she texts me again and I respond saying we need to go no contact. She starts getting really upset and we exchange a bunch of texts, calls and emails with me saying the same thing, we need NC. Next night, same thing happens but I do not respond. She then drives to my place and we talk for a good 2 hours. Towards the end she is begging to have sex again and I say no, I can't and WON'T do that (THANK GOD I was sober).

 

So that was Tuesday night, and the rest of my week I have been depressed and feel lost. I know that the NC thing is right and I can't respond to any more texts or emails or calls. I was completely fine and happy and now it's like I kinda went back to square one. Actually, it's even worse as I felt huge relief when we broke up because things were so bad. Now, my memory is of the last night we slept together (complete bliss).

 

I know it would never work, and I know we would just go back to our old relationship that was completely toxic. I feel like a complete *******. It was MISERABLE when she was at my house, pleading with me. The whole time I just said over and over in my head, "look at what you did."

 

I guess I just needed to vent about this, as I don't even want to tell my friends. They know that we had sex and whatever, but not that it really made me desire my ex all week.

 

So I guess my lesson in all of this is don't break NC. It is the frog that boils himself as the water gets hotter and hotter. Jump in! It's lukewarm! It feels fine, that is, until your skin is peeling off and you're wondering how in the hell you got in this mess in the first place.

Edited March 15, 2013 by asdfasdf1234

[orionboxing]

I'm beginning to think that NO CONTACT is one of the most worthless, overrated things that is routinely discussed on this board. Not talking about stuff is not resolving or finding any sort of peace. Sometimes, you need to reach out and express what you feel.

 

First - sorry that you are going through this.

 

Second - what did she do to you (or what she did to you) that ruined the relationship the first time?

 

Maybe this girl is meant to be?

 

What you should do is step back and have a long drawn out conversation about your relationship. Put your foot down so it doesn't lead to sex. Do not have sex with this woman until this "come to jesus" meeting happens.

 

Choose a "war room" and really get down the nitty gritty of things.

[asdfasdf1234]

I'm beginning to think that NO CONTACT is one of the most worthless, overrated things that is routinely discussed on this board. Not talking about stuff is not resolving or finding any sort of peace. Sometimes, you need to reach out and express what you feel.

 

First - sorry that you are going through this.

 

Second - what did she do to you (or what she did to you) that ruined the relationship the first time?

 

Maybe this girl is meant to be?

 

What you should do is step back and have a long drawn out conversation about your relationship. Put your foot down so it doesn't lead to sex. Do not have sex with this woman until this "come to jesus" meeting happens.

 

Choose a "war room" and really get down the nitty gritty of things.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

It's okay I'm feeling better today actually, probably because I saw someone else last night and while she wasn't as attractive as my GF, she got my mind off her.

 

Gotta say though, the no contact thing is very necessary for some people. Without it, it's hard to forget the other person and move on, as your thoughts are constantly with them. Thinking things like, "when will the text me next?" Or, "why aren't they e-mailing me back?" Things like that will drive you INSANE.

 

As for my ex, I guess I wasn't that clear. We went out from August 2011 - July 2012 (kinda off and on), and again from November 2012 - December 2013. So I've broken up twice with her. There is nothing left for me there, but there is still attachment and attraction (unfortunately). We have incredible sexual chemistry, and that is pretty huge to me, as I haven't met anyone else that rocked my world like she did.

 

Unfortunately we went through some tough things and in the beginning of the relationship I was still in love with someone else for a good seven months, and would repeatedly stop seeing this girl because I was not ready, then we'd run into each other at a bar (not a huge city) a week or two later and hook up again. The first relationship ended because I found out she cheated on me.

 

Three months and several women later, we started being f buddies again, then started hanging out more and more all the while she kept saying she wants to be back together. Finally, I relented.

 

Thirteen months later we broke up again for a variety of reasons but we were both unhappy (even though she won't admit it now).

 

So anyways two tries is all I give a relationship, and even that is stretching it. My belief is after the first break up it will never be the same, it just is really hard in practice to not want to try again, after all, you "love" the person, even though I think many times you are just attached to them.

[asdfasdf1234]

Well hope you get better asdfasdf1234.

 

Let that be a reminder to everyone, people can't have sex without getting attached.

 

I have a friend that is having sex with his ex right now and he said she wants to get back together. I honestly don't see how he does it, but I guess we are just built differently. It is tough for me to have unemotional sex. Maybe if enough time went by it would be different, I just enjoy sex soooo much more with someone I'm in love with. Jesus doesn't really sound like a guy saying this but whatever lol.

[J_L_C]

I think the older we get, the more meaningful sex becomes. I rmbr my high school and university days of random, meaningless sex. But since then I've had a few serious relationships and it really is special with someone you deeply care for. Casual sex is so unsatisfying for me now.

 

That's why sex with an ex can be so tough. There is usually one person that is still quite attached. I've done the ex-sex thing and it's hard. I ALWAYS end up hurt since its always been about sex for him and a lot more than that for me.

 

I'm just recently out of a serious relationship and this was the guy I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. He wants to do the casual thing but only because the dating world hasnt been as lucrative sexually as he had planned. I want to be involved with him that way soooooo much and I have the little devil and angel shoulder thing going on. But he did some pretty terrible things to me when we split and I have to keep remembering that. But just like you, he is my sexual kryptonite!!!

[oracle]

I think the older we get, the more meaningful sex becomes. I rmbr my high school and university days of random, meaningless sex. But since then I've had a few serious relationships and it really is special with someone you deeply care for. Casual sex is so unsatisfying for me now.

 

That's why sex with an ex can be so tough. There is usually one person that is still quite attached. I've done the ex-sex thing and it's hard. I ALWAYS end up hurt since its always been about sex for him and a lot more than that for me.

 

I'm just recently out of a serious relationship and this was the guy I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. He wants to do the casual thing but only because the dating world hasnt been as lucrative sexually as he had planned. I want to be involved with him that way soooooo much and I have the little devil and angel shoulder thing going on. But he did some pretty terrible things to me when we split and I have to keep remembering that. But just like you, he is my sexual kryptonite!!!

 

It's not so much age but the level of the relationship. I have lived with my ex of 15yrs for 2.5 yrs post break. I have been with tons of hot yng guys, guys half my age in their prime. Nothing. Nothing comes close to the feeling when I mess around with my ex. It's the decade and a half of closeness and familiarity that cannot be replaced.

 

I hate it, it's a constant reminder. And I fear it will forever haunt me

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm beginning to think that NO CONTACT is one of the most worthless, overrated things that is routinely discussed on this board. Not talking about stuff is not resolving or finding any sort of peace. Sometimes, you need to reach out and express what you feel.

 

First - sorry that you are going through this.

 

Second - what did she do to you (or what she did to you) that ruined the relationship the first time?

 

Maybe this girl is meant to be?

 

What you should do is step back and have a long drawn out conversation about your relationship. Put your foot down so it doesn't lead to sex. Do not have sex with this woman until this "come to jesus" meeting happens.

 

Choose a "war room" and really get down the nitty gritty of things.

 

This sounds great in theory and works well in movies, but in real life it just doesn't go down like this usually. I think it's good to get in your last shot per se and let him or her know where you stand, but after that, the concept of "trying to fix things" doesn't work an overwhelming percentage of the time. Until the other person is open to it -- which you can't control if they are or if they aren't -- it's pissing in the wind. That's where no contact comes into play. After you "make your stand", contact can only hurt your chances and hurt your healing.