Blindsided and can't cope

[ChrisC81]

I posted this on a similar site, so sorry if you have already read my story but I am trying to get as much help as I can.

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me out of the blue about a month ago. Up until that point, he told me he loved me everyday and acted like he was going to be with me forever. After a small argument one evening, he broke it off abruptly and said things weren't the same, he is no longer happy, and this is the

right thing to do in the long run, and I can find someone else better for me. I pleaded and said we can work through it, but he wouldn't budge. The next day I texted him and he ignored I can't even process this and I am devastated. Yes we had some average issues (spark fizzled a little, little fights, somewhat predictable routine) but he always acted like we would get through anything and that he loved me deeply. Anything somewhat big that did happen over the past 3 years,he was the one begging to work through things, which I did cause I love him.

Even a few days before the break up, I had a dream that we broke up

(premonition?) and I was upset about it, and he assured me and said "that will never happen, get that out of your mind!, I love you and miss you". He has made 0 contact since he broke, and the last time we saw eachother was a few days after the break up when I showed up at his house to drop off his ID under his mat, and I caught a VERY young girl there. He said it wasn't like that, but told me to leave

and it was none of my business. I was horrified and have made no further contact with him. I am very depressed and this has consumed my every thought. I have seeked counseling, friends support, but it does little to ease my pain. I wake up feeling like crap every morning. I know hes talking to various girls since and one in particluar frequently, because I have access to his phone records, as well as his

bank account. I am obsessed and check this daily, allthough I am trying to stop. I know this isn't healthy, trust me. The fact that he can jump right back into dating after sharing 3 years of our lives together blows me away. I can barely function.

I also have 2 children (not his) and he was a part of their lives. How can he walk away like this and not even look back? My youngest adored him and we are all hurt. And he acts like he does not care one bit and has not even apologized or shown any remorse. His grandmother called me to say how much she loved me and the kids, and how heartbroken she is and that I am a wonderful woman.

While we were together, I got a truck for him in my name and he made payments. His parents have since paid it (since we broke up) so that my credit wouldn't be destroyed (he has bad credit) and he also defriended me and anyone associated with me on facebook. He acts like I am a POS, When I am over here shattered and his actions are that I never existed.

Please help me with any advice. How can he be so cruel, after so long together and blindside me, with not so much as a warning? I know I need to "move on" but I can't control my obsessive thoughts, and need more in depth advice. I even dream about him at night. I can't escape it no matter what distractions I give myself. Also, if anyone has any opinion to his cold hearted, quick to leave and move on drastic change in behavior, that would really help me. Thank you.

[asdfasdf1234]

First, if you can't stop looking at his bank accounts and phone records you need to have him change passwords. That's ridiculous and masochistic. Do you really like hurting yourself?

 

It's going to hurt for a while that's just how it goes, especially because of how it went down. The only thing you can do right now is STOP snooping because honestly it will only make you feel worse. The ONLY thing that makes one feel better after a traumatic experience like that is distraction whether that be hanging out with friends/family, playing sports, whatever you like to do. The more the activity consumes your brain power the better.

 

Just being brutally honest, the only way to get back any semblance of self respect is to completely and totally stop contacting him or showing him in any way that you care. Unless the guy is a total sociopath he feels remorse over what happened, and bad about it. He however is distracting himself (with younger women or what have you). Things aren't always what they seem. I know you picture him having the time of his life right now but that isn't the case.

 

I know it is hard to think of doing this, but I always found solace in bettering myself after a hard breakup. Going to the gym was my catharsis. I don't know what yours is, but you need to find it.

 

Good luck, I have been there, and I know how much it hurts.

[McGriff]

Just went through something similar with my ex, and let me tell ya, I KNOW the pain you are going through. It is all consuming, all day, everyday. The only advice I can give, is that 1) YOU HAVE TO STOP CHECKING HIS RECORDS! That is like pushing a button and getting punched in the face. Don't do it for your own sanity. Ask yourself "do I like this pain?" If the answer is yes, then keep checking, if the answer is no, stop. 2) you cannot control his actions, so try (I know it's hard) and stop trying to figure out what happened, why, who, what, when---it just doesn't matter right now. He is not gonna give you any answers, so quit obsessing about it. Asd was right, he made a decision, and he's dealing with his end, and it's not fun for him. GUARANTEED. But, you have to walk through this pain right now, and hold it together. Your are not alone in this pain, many people, myself included are all at different stages (some worse, some better) of that pain you are feeling. It is natural. I find that nights just before I go to bed and mornings are the worst. You have children, and they can be a wonderful diversion for you. I have my kids as well, and having them around, playing video games with them, cooking breakfast together in the mornings, really helps me divert from the pain. And yes, everyday the pain will subside slightly, I know you can't see through the emotional fog right now, but just take a deep breath and know that you are fine and you WILL get through this, no matter what. I definitely know what you are going through, I was there just a couple weeks ago, but I am already starting to feel better. People on this board are awesome and give great advice and comfort. Stay strong!

[js1967]

I fight everyday with myself from doing stupid things to try and deal with a similar 3 year ...out of the blue, blindsided dumping.

 

It is absolute agony. It doesnt last all day, but the wave when it comes its like a punch in the gut.

 

I have dropped the ball, I have done some stupid things in an effort to contact my ex...fix things, make it the way it was.

 

Today, this morning...after being told at least by ten people on here to think this way... "why do I want to be with somebody who would hurt me like that, or do that too me."

 

I focus a bit on that thought and it seems to calm this freaking demon or what ever the heck is going on in my brain.

I have disconnected everything I can from contacting her. My last thing I need to do is remove her number from my contact list....This would be my last way of ever contacting her...Im gearing up for that.

 

Hang tough...this stuff is so hard and its really not fair it seems, but then again, maybe its a lesson to teach us to enjoy the good times while we have them and be better in future relationships. I do not know.

[ChrisC81]

Thank you all for your responses. It is true I envision him talking to several girls and not even grieving anything we had together. The thought of it just hurts me even more, as I obviously want him to feel something after sharing our lives together for so long.

Yes mornings are very hard for me, especially hard for some reason. This morning I felt like I was going to faint and got really hot. I am trying very hard to distract myself and nothing seems to help me. I know I have to stop looking at his info, its hard because I work in front of a computer all day so its so easy to check. Yes, I see the late night texting and calls, and I know he's talking to someone else already. I have never been so devastated in my life.

[destroyed4sho]

Well, I havr gone thru a similar situation. I felt blindsided when I was dumped. My ex showed no remorse or even much emotion. She cut me off and I was the one that kept texting with whatever excuse I could find afterwards.

I did a bit of research on her behavior and my therapist believes she is a narcissist. Narcissist typically discard there exes quickly without a look back and without remorse. Google narcissist and see if your ex sufferes from this disorder.

Im very happy that she dumped me at this point because if she didnt id still be with a narcissist that feels no love for anyone and can show no empathy.

Ofcourse im down about it because it was a waste of time and energy. Ofcourse I wish things were different but this is who they are and there is nothig you can do about it.

[TheBladeRunner]

I know hes talking to various girls since and one in particular frequently, because I have access to his phone records, as well as his

bank account. I am obsessed and check this daily, although I am trying to stop. I know this isn't healthy, trust me. The fact that he can jump right back into dating after sharing 3 years of our lives together blows me away. I can barely function.

 

What you are doing is not a good idea......I know because I did it for a long time and it DID NOT HELP ME! In the beginning I was doing the same dippy stuff: checking where purchases were made, looking at the home and cell records, I too "could not help it". About all I got out of it was that she was spending a lot of money at the bars and that she was in contact with the guy she dated before me; a guy that abused her, cheated on her and gave her an STD, and even had her thrown in jail. This whole process was absolute torture!

 

To alleviate the problem I had her open her own bank account and we split up the phone plan, the way I looked at was I already knew what she is doing, I don't want to know anymore, and I cannot control what she is doing with herself now. I guess this is what I call the "acceptance stage", it took me awhile to get to that point but I did it, and you can too! Hang in there!

 

I almost forgot, get em' off your social media stuff like Facebook as well.

[Damaged23]

Hey! It will be very hard but you have to force yourself to stop snooping around his stuff, it is clearly not helping you in any shape or form. Since you are always in front of a computer and "can't help but look" let him know somehow that he needs to change his passwords. Do it for your sanity and peace of mind. As you've seen he's moving on with his life, like others have said, it doesn't mean he's not going through a hard time, he's probably feeling the breakup, he just decided to stick to his decision and move on, which is what you should do. Take it day by day. Cry if you feel like it, but let him go. Ge has chosen not to be in your life.

Best of luck, and I'm sure, someday, you'll be glad you are no longer with him!

[Damaged23]

When i went through my first breakup I was devastated, and my boss at the time told me: " see this as the best thing that ever happened to you". It's hard seeing it like that now, but one day you will.

[lifeolife]

Omg you poor thing, hug hug xx. Because you are enduring such heart ache, you won't see things clearly now, it fogs your thinking and decision making and judgment. Your probably still stunned like a deer in the headlights, and this stage in a break up is f***** up. It's emotional torture. I know it, not the same circumstances but it's all heart ache in the end, physical pain would be a relief over it. Your obsessing over checking the accounts is normal, it's like checking Facebook/Twitter, BUT you have to dig deep, you can't allow any more pain mate, it's not fair on you, or kids, you need to stop doing it. Frankly, he's a FUC**** arsehole! I would punch him for you, many times. It's cruel how he has gone about this, there are other ways to part with somebody, rather than sucking their soul out and trampling it like he has done. Trust me, you are better off without him. He is a player, a user and used you. Thats what it sounds like from he outside, he doesn't deserve you. Please be strong and hold your head high. Don't go back. Look after yourself and block him out too, just decide no going back and do and read everything you can about helping to move on. He's doesn't deserve to be with you, do you really want him in your kids lives after treating you and them like this! If your kids read your post as mature adults, they would tell you the same as me, let him go - he's a rotten fish (that you still love and that's normal, but let him go!!!) don't re-bound to somebody else, and don't even bother doing your head in over why/when/how - it won't help and it's not worth it. You gotta be your own best friend, do what's good for your soul, starting with stopping access to checking his phone records etc. one day at a time. all the best xxxxx please don't go back or take the bait if he comes crawling back, hes full if s*** in my opinion. fk him. Think 'strong woman and mum!' and keep your dignity.

Edited March 17, 2013 by lifeolife

[mike588]

I too was blindsided when my now ex. g/f dumped me for her ex. 3 days after I waited on her hand and foot for a week after she had surgery done and told me thru out the relationship ( 1 year) that she loved me and I was the best thing to ever come along in her life...that I was the one blah blah blah.

 

I know your pain...I was also devestated and replayed and analyzed the breakup a billion times...cried alot...constantly wondered what she was doing etc. etc. and walked around like a zombie.

 

It's been 14 months now and I'm completely and totally over her. Now I look back at her and the relationship and realize she really wasn't the one for me even though I was madly in love and crazy about her at the time.

 

I'm even alittle embarrased by allowing someone to hurt me sooooo much or allowing myself to be so hurt.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you WILL get thru this and come out a better and stronger person....just give it time and focus on yourself now..do you really want someone in your life who acts like that or just gives up on you??

 

After I was dumped I felt like my life was almost over...that I'd never find someone like her again...I'd never be able to love again....well now I'm glad the relationship ended...it was all about her.

 

It's tough I know but again you will get through this...that I promise you!

[Damaged23]

I too was blindsided when my now ex. g/f dumped me for her ex. 3 days after I waited on her hand and foot for a week after she had surgery done and told me thru out the relationship ( 1 year) that she loved me and I was the best thing to ever come along in her life...that I was the one blah blah blah.

 

I know your pain...I was also devestated and replayed and analyzed the breakup a billion times...cried alot...constantly wondered what she was doing etc. etc. and walked around like a zombie.

 

It's been 14 months now and I'm completely and totally over her. Now I look back at her and the relationship and realize she really wasn't the one for me even though I was madly in love and crazy about her at the time.

 

I'm even alittle embarrased by allowing someone to hurt me sooooo much or allowing myself to be so hurt.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you WILL get thru this and come out a better and stronger person....just give it time and focus on yourself now..do you really want someone in your life who acts like that or just gives up on you??

 

After I was dumped I felt like my life was almost over...that I'd never find someone like her again...I'd never be able to love again....well now I'm glad the relationship ended...it was all about her.

 

It's tough I know but again you will get through this...that I promise you!

 

Mike,

I know you weren't speaking to me, but it makes me sooooo happy to hear you completely moved on!! I can't wait for that day...14 months? Wow, but hey, time flies!! I cannot wait for that day!!! I pray it comes fast!! Just venting...

Thanks

[ChrisC81]

Thanks again everyone. I am getting a little better each day, but still think about it obsessively. But, All your words help me feel better and I truly appreciate it. I have to say I am a bit worried now, because I checked his email and bank account today and his passwords are changed. I am a little relieved because it forces me to move on and not look at his stuff, which I know is good for me. My only concern is wondering why he chose to change it this morning. I am getting a paranoid feeling that he knows I was looking? Do you guys know if there is a way to tell? I always marked mail unread if I opened it, so it looked as if it wasn't touched so it wouldn't be that. But I get this weird feeling he found out, and I am really embarrassed now. Just wondering if there is a way for him to know I had been looking.

[Bluerain]

Wow, this could have been me 10 months ago writing this...almost identical in fact...except that we were almost 18 years together!!!

 

He adored me, swore undying love until the night before he left, I was hit by a ten ton truck, the shock was something that has taken me months to deal with!

 

Turns out he met another woman 3 weeks before he dumped me, I found this out after he left...he has no idea I know!

I went NC immediately, have never broken it...I know it's the only thing that saved me, I was in a very bad way...still am at times...but 10 months NC now and I'm starting to see a light at the end of this awful nightmare!

 

Please listen to the above post, they are right in everything they say.

 

18 years and I don't exist, 18 years of history, I wish him well...but just a teeny bit of karma one day would be cool lol!

 

Hey, you can do this...most of us on here have, it wont be easy but please please I promise you...it does get easier. I hope for me the pain will eventually go all together, I'm sure it will but above all I have my self respect and dignity...and that's something he will never take away from me...or ever have for himself.

 

Hugs x