Male friends and boundaries in a new relationship

[Mycteria]

I started dating someone new recently. I dont know where it's going just yet but it's made me start to wonder about my guy friends. I have a fairly equal number of male and female friends, maybe leaning slightly towards more male friends. I don't kid myself, I know that most of them would probably sleep with me if they had the chance. But they know it won't happen and most have never tried anything. We are mostly party/drinking buddies but we are fairly close outside of the party scene too. I tend to hang out mostly with guys only because I like to go out a lot and the guys always want to go out more often than the girls.

 

The guy I just started dating is much more conservative than me and his job prevents him from being able to do some hings I like to do. For instance, this summer I'm going to several music festivals with my guy friends. There will be girls there too I'm sure but it'll be several weeks worth of camping and traveling with mostly guys.

 

How would you guys feel about this? I don't want to give up all the things I like to do but I understand how it might make a guy uncomfortable. But at the same time, I've never fooled around with any of these guys (and that's no matter how drunk I get. I never get to the point that I would do something I regret sexually). I don't see anything changing if I happen to get into a relationship.

[Treasa]

If I were a guy, I probably wouldn't care. Unless you gave me a reason not to trust you, in which case I wouldn't even be with you, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

 

Have fun! It sounds like a blast.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't think most guys are going to like this, and likely err on the side of suspicion...after all, guys know why guys are your friends, it's not a mystery, it's women who typically play dumb;

 

"Omgosh...he doesn't like me, you're crazy! he's just a friend, I only see him as a friend, he's totally nice and sweet, he respects me..he doesn't like me, he's just a nice guy, they're just guys that I hang out with...oh stop it!"

 

But since you're aware and not playing the naive/aloof card I think at least that makes you a bit less vulnerable to "finding yourself in a situation" with said "friend". But it depends on the guy and the level of the relationship too.

 

You're just dating the guy, so it's not like you're "together" or in a relationship, so he doesn't have much say so and many guys will not vocalize their concern with it, they'll just let you go and do what you want during this phase. And some may just cut you off of out of the "relationship material" category but still continue to see you and ride it out for whatever it is.

 

Should you change your plans and not have fun for a guy you just started dating? not really. May it affect his opinion of you? probably.

 

As always communication will be key...gauging his trust level, seeing how his reaction or opinion is on the matter.

 

It's not like you need his permission but maybe this is a incompatibility if this is something he's not going to be happy about...music festival, camping, drinking, lots of guys...I mean how would you feel if he was going on a trip like this? I mean I couldn't really say to trust any guy on something like this, yet I'm having to assume women are more trustworthy and seeing these guys as just friends? in a way...you're kind of asking for a lot on the trust level early on, however I'm not someone who judges women and men equally, I think women are more capable of being friends with men than men being friends with women, there's just always a hidden agenda or desire with men, and sometimes women themselves use the friend card to get closer to men without any pressure or obligation to like him or have anything develop.

 

If a man isn't serious I don't think he'll care a whole lot honestly. If he is serious it might be a bigger concern. So is he even looking for a serious relationship or he is just fun guy for the time being? maybe he'll be partying or talking to one of this "friends" while you're gone himself...but if you say he's on the more conservative side, I believe this is something that is definitely going to bother him, even if he doesn't outright come out and say it...men aren't the most expressive creatures in the world, however they do judge and tick a box internally of yay or nay.

[Mycteria]

Another thing is that the tickets for these festivals are very expensive and these trips were planned before I started dating this guy. I am not considering canceling for him, and I don't even think he has an issue with it. I'm just bringing it up because I was thinking about it and curious what everyone thought.

 

I think he wants a serious relationship. I know I do. And so I'm just thinking a lot about boundaries right now because I don't want a lot of grey area. I want to clearly define what our boundaries would be. Plus I do a lot of things that I am fully aware would be a problem for most guys. I go drinking with men and several of my guy friends have houses right next to our favorite bar so it's totally normal for me to end up crashing at their houses. And I frequently hang out one on one with my guy friends. We are a huge group of friends and we never even really think about boundary issues. But I've been single for 9 months too. I'm fully aware I'll have to change some of this if/when I get into a relationship. But I'm jot sure how much to change and if my partner frequently can't attend the events that I like to attend, I don't want to give them up because he can't go.

[Star Gazer]

I'm on board with Ninja, as usual.

 

I'm curious how old you are? Most guys I know wouldn't be considering a girl as serious relationship potential if it appeared that her favorite pastime was drinking with guys and crashing on their couches. I mean, are you still in college/party mode? If not, it's time to grow up a bit.

[dark1san]

I agree with Stargazer on this, there is a point that you have to look at your life and say, "If I want a serious relationship with a guy, I have to stop acting like this".

 

I personally think if you're college age that's cool and all, but once you hit a certain age, you have to stop acting like that. It goes both ways too, it's not just women but men too, once you hit a certain age you have to stop acting like a party animal.

[MrCasanova]

I started dating someone new recently. I dont know where it's going just yet but it's made me start to wonder about my guy friends. I have a fairly equal number of male and female friends, maybe leaning slightly towards more male friends. I don't kid myself, I know that most of them would probably sleep with me if they had the chance. But they know it won't happen and most have never tried anything. We are mostly party/drinking buddies but we are fairly close outside of the party scene too. I tend to hang out mostly with guys only because I like to go out a lot and the guys always want to go out more often than the girls.

 

The guy I just started dating is much more conservative than me and his job prevents him from being able to do some hings I like to do. For instance, this summer I'm going to several music festivals with my guy friends. There will be girls there too I'm sure but it'll be several weeks worth of camping and traveling with mostly guys.

 

How would you guys feel about this? I don't want to give up all the things I like to do but I understand how it might make a guy uncomfortable. But at the same time, I've never fooled around with any of these guys (and that's no matter how drunk I get. I never get to the point that I would do something I regret sexually). I don't see anything changing if I happen to get into a relationship.

 

 

Have you talked to him about this yet? Try getting his personal opinion first, then work from there.

[Woggle]

I tend to have a sixth sense on whether or not she is cheating or they are just friends. I would trust a woman but if I ever caught her even hinting at cheating with them the relationship would be history.

[Quiet Storm]

I think many guys would have an issue with this.

 

Not so much because they don't trust you or think you are interested in the guy, but because men know what other men think about. He knows these men might be picturing you naked, or thinking about what it would be like to have sex with you.

 

If he really likes you, he isn't going to feel good about other guys disrespecting you. Even if they don't disrespect you with their words, they're probably thinking disrespectful thoughts, and he knows this.

 

drunk guys + drunk girl on a couch = not a good scenario if drunk girl is your GF

 

Getting drunk at a bar, passing out on a guys couch... may give the impression (valid or not) that you lack self control. Some men won't see that behavior as "girlfriend" material. Instead, they may just choose to keep it casual.

 

JMO.

[Cutiepie1976]

I have slightly more male (completely platonic) friends than female friends, especially among my closest friends.

 

Here are the things I do:

• I'm very transparent about where I am and with whom.
  
• I invite my boyfriend to everything.
  
• I'm always accessible by phone unless I'm in a meeting, in a game (I play in a bunch of sports leagues), etc.
  
• My boyfriend is clearly a priority and focus in my life.
  

 

My boyfriends have always been very comfortable because they meet my friends, I barely drink and never get buzzed let alone drunk, and I give them no reason to question my integrity or focus on only them.

 

Even so, a weekend away with a bunch of guys at a music festival is a bit much. Even though I'm very independent, I tend to prioritize spending time with my boyfriend over hanging out with a bunch of male friends. Would your new guy be able join you? Are tickets fairly easy to obtain? You're in a difficult spot if you just started dating. You don't want to be presumptuous and plan things months down the road, but you also want to make sure that if you're still together, then he joins you or at last has ample opportunity to do so and he chooses to decline the option.

[StanMusial]

I have slightly more male (completely platonic) friends than female friends, especially among my closest friends.

 

Here are the things I do:

• I'm very transparent about where I am and with whom.
  
• I invite my boyfriend to everything.
  
• I'm always accessible by phone unless I'm in a meeting, in a game (I play in a bunch of sports leagues), etc.
  
• My boyfriend is clearly a priority and focus in my life.
  

 

My boyfriends have always been very comfortable because they meet my friends, I barely drink and never get buzzed let alone drunk, and I give them no reason to question my integrity or focus on only them.

 

Even so, a weekend away with a bunch of guys at a music festival is a bit much. Even though I'm very independent, I tend to prioritize spending time with my boyfriend over hanging out with a bunch of male friends. Would your new guy be able join you? Are tickets fairly easy to obtain? You're in a difficult spot if you just started dating. You don't want to be presumptuous and plan things months down the road, but you also want to make sure that if you're still together, then he joins you or at last has ample opportunity to do so and he chooses to decline the option.

 

This is a tough one because you already made plans. However, the specific plans you made were for the summer, which is still a few months away. You never know what might happen in that span of time, the guy might not even be in the picture. If things go the other way though and you are an item, I would consider it inappropriate for the gf to be hanging out with a bunch of dudes, on the road, while the bf sits at home and stews. Would you even want that if your relationship becomes more serious?

 

I recall once when I was in my late 20's when one of my buddies tried like heck to get me to go to the beach for a week with him and another guy and five or six girls. I had a gf at the time, my response to him was "Are you crazy? I can't do that".

[StanMusial]

And you say your guy is a conservative guy? Oh I think you guys are the perfect couple... I am sure he will love your life style and would be waiting for you at home while you have fun with your male friends. He will prepare your breakfast and wait till you tell him how much fun you had the whole night having parties and drinking....

 

Wow... some people are really funny....:)

 

I know, right? I don't even understand the mindset. When I was in my 20's I typically toned it down on the partying when I had a gf. When I was more in the party mode, I didn't try to date a girl seriously. And if I met a girl that I was interested in at first, but she was a party girl, I didn't take her seriously as relationship material. Seems simple to me but I guess some people don't get it.

[dark1san]

I as a single man will not date a girl who likes to party, I don't try to date women younger than me, I try to date those who are closer to my age, and there are a lot who are still into partying. I just thought by 34 most women would have that out of their systems. Guess I was wrong.

[LSTom]

I think the opposition to this comes from people who put themselves in the position of your bf and wouldn't take kindly to this, but this doesn't mean what you're doing is wrong. It's only wrong if it violates rules/expectations in the relationship. Have you discussed this with him?

 

Now, I'll tell you my perspective. I've been around long enough to see this scene play out over and over. Women + alcohol + spending the night with male friends eventually leads sex. If not this year then next.

 

This is not something I would do and I'm not comfortable with the woman I'm with doing it. In this case, I don't think the woman with that life style would be compatible with me and I'd move on and find someone more inline with my lifestyle, but that's just me.

I don't think there is any wrong or right here in the general sense, but that's not right for me.

[soccerrprp]

I see a few things here:

 

1. You have an interest that is not shared with your bf that you enjoy doing or are unwilling to give up

2. You want a LTR, but clearly not interested in changing or forgoing something that most guys would find uncomfortable (believe me, I know about not compromising)

3. by you asking, you are aware that this is a possible deal breaker

4. This is not a conservative thing. This is a trust, human thing. He doesn't know your history with these guys and under the influence of partying/drinking all kinds of things can happen, so any guy would be uncomfortable with such an arrangement

5. You haven't spoken to him, it seems.

 

Good luck.

[camillalev]

I had this problem in the past as well with my most recent serious ex. I have pretty equal amount of friends who are men and women, swaying towards the male side. My two best friends are male, though one is gay and the other is straight, my old roommate and now living in another city.

 

I also think many of my guy friends would probably sleep with me if given the chance.. though many of them have been respectful or have gfs etc etc. My ex most definitely had a problem with it and had serious trust issues with me, constantly accusing me of crazy things while saying 'you can't outfox a fox'. Turned out he's was bit of a serial cheater.

 

Anyway... it's a tough issue... Are you actually close with these guys, like you confide in them when you have problems? If you come to it, invite him to some of your activities, he might have fun plus you'll be bringing him into your circle.

Edited March 16, 2013 by camillalev

[Mycteria]

Can't quote specific posts easily on my phone but I'll try to address all the questions.

 

1) No I haven't discussed this with him, because we aren't an official couple yet. I'm only bringing it up here because I'm wondering how I would react on case he did have a problem with it. It's a hypothetical situation.

 

2) I am 23 and so is he. We both like to drink, but I'm a lot more wild than he is. I'm not just a party girl. I'm going to one of the best colleges around, putting myself through school. I'm working three jobs right now and I own my own home at the age of 23. So no, I don't feel like I "need to grow up." Yes, I like to have fun. I have tons of hobbies and interests (like music festivals). And yes sometimes I do crash at my friend's houses after a night out. Sometimes my friends crash with me. Like I said we are a huge group of friends and are constantly coming and going from each other's houses. If I get into a relationship I know I will have to tone some of this down to prioritize my relationship (hence the reason for this thread). Some of you are incredibly judgy, btw.

 

3) The guy I'm dating knows all of these guys very well and knows our relationship. But because of his job (long story) he cannot hang out with us on a regular basis nor can he come to events such as music festivals or other trips with them.

 

4) drunk girl does not always equal sex. I have done my fair share of partying, and I have never EVER done anything with a male friend that I regret sexually. I've only been with a few people ever and I will never have a one night stand. That's just not who I am. So I can say with complete confidence that I will never have a drunken hookup with one of these guys. I haven't done it while single. I sure as hell wouldn't do it while in a relationship.

[SadSouls]

Ask yourself this question, are you actually looking for a serious relationship? If you are then you need to grow up a little and stop acting the way you do. Any male in a serious relationship isn't going to like their partner going off with a group of lads for a week to a festival.

 

If not, then go forth and have fun.

[kaylan]

Any girl that frequently parties and drinks with her guy friends is only good enough for sex in my view. You want to be in a relationship? Act like a woman who values her relationship will act.

 

I dont care if a girl says getting drunk doesnt mean she will do anything wrong. People get drunk and do stupid stuff after saying that all the time. How about respecting me as your boyfriend and not getting drunk and staying over at other guys places?

 

Again I say, girls who act like OP get FWB arrangement only. And most likely never escape that zone once I put them there. Girls get one shot with me to show me they are relationship worthy. If getting drunk with your friends is more important than a potential relationship...then its clear where I stand. And theres no coming back from that after you showed me I dont mean enough to you for you to alter that party lifestyle.

 

You walk a fine line OP. If you slight a guy early on, chances are you wont be able to have him be fully ok dating you. Whats more important? You want a real relationship or you want your party buddies? Itd be unsettling for a guy to feel like his gf values her friendships with guys who wants to sleep with her, over her own partnership with her bf.

 

Stop trying to have your cake and eat it too.

Edited March 16, 2013 by kaylan

[Object_a]

I would not be concerned with you having close male friends, but the fact that you are so different from one-another would give me pause for thought. If you need to second-guess yourself all the time about being with your friends because he won't join you or doesn't approve, that's going to cause a lot of friction sooner or later.

[Treasa]

Look, you already made plans. You have plans to do something you clearly want to do, right? And you have barely started dating this guy and aren't even official yet.

 

Let him know that you're going on this trip. You don't even have to say it's going to be with a bunch of guys, because for all you know, other girls might join in on the trip.

 

If he has a problem, that's his right, and he doesn't have to take things further with you. But at your age, I really don't think you should give up plans you already made for a guy who may or may not be a boyfriend later on.

 

Do not ever make a guy the center of your universe, and thus the sole influence of your decisions. I did that A LOT, and then if I got dumped, I had nothing left, and no good memories, no life, etc.

 

If you say and believe that you're not going to do anything inappropriate, then either he trusts you or he doesn't. Just please don't live your life just to make him happy, especially if things are this new and you're so young.

 

Even at my age (38), if I had plans to do something, I would keep on with them. My boyfriend trusts me completely, as well he should. I trust him completely, and wouldn't care if he went off on this trip.

 

Live your life for you. At the end of the day, that's the one person you will always be with. So now you have to decide which matters more to you: A trip you already planned that may cost you a boyfriend, or giving up the trip for someone who may or may not end up being your boyfriend and may or may not end up working out.

 

Yeah, looking back on my life, I'd definitely choose the trip.

[Treasa]

I didn't advise her to lie. I told her that she didn't have to give him the details and specifically say it'd be with a bunch of guys, because she herself doesn't know if it will be just guys or if other females will also come. Or did you choose to just read what I wrote and pick things out of context?

 

I'm not bitter. I'm extremely, extraordinarily happy with my life. I'm dating a wonderful man, but a man who understands that I put myself first. I didn't used to do that, and that was a huge mistake.

 

I agree that she and this guy might not be right for each other. But she could tell him she's going on this trip and see what his reaction is before speculating or worrying about it.

 

I stand by what I said. She should go on this trip and live her life for herself, as I would recommend to anyone, particularly anyone this young and unencumbered.

 

Finally, a bit of advice for you: When we lash out at others and accuse them of things, we're often projecting. You may want to look inside to see what is making you so angry. Good luck!

[phineas]

Any girl that frequently parties and drinks with her guy friends is only good enough for sex in my view. You want to be in a relationship? Act like a woman who values her relationship will act.

 

I dont care if a girl says getting drunk doesnt mean she will do anything wrong. People get drunk and do stupid stuff after saying that all the time. How about respecting me as your boyfriend and not getting drunk and staying over at other guys places?

 

Again I say, girls who act like OP get FWB arrangement only. And most likely never escape that zone once I put them there. Girls get one shot with me to show me they are relationship worthy. If getting drunk with your friends is more important than a potential relationship...then its clear where I stand. And theres no coming back from that after you showed me I dont mean enough to you for you to alter that party lifestyle.

 

You walk a fine line OP. If you slight a guy early on, chances are you wont be able to have him be fully ok dating you. Whats more important? You want a real relationship or you want your party buddies? Itd be unsettling for a guy to feel like his gf values her friendships with guys who wants to sleep with her, over her own partnership with her bf.

 

Stop trying to have your cake and eat it too.

 

Pretty much this.

I don't GF up party girls.

 

A few weekends ago I was hanging out with a female co-worker who has a BF.

She was there with a few of her guy friends while her BF was deployed.

I gotta say, if her BF saw the way these "friends" were touching each other, dancing, tickling, ect he'd of gone Rambo on both of them.

 

One of the other guys I work with was like "doesn't she have BF" & i'm like "errr she did today at work" LOL!

 

Not saying OP is like this, just that I'd never take a woman like her serious & would only date casually.

 

She can argue she isn't going to change her plans for a guy she just started dating and that's fine.

However, if I had bought tickets for Orgy-Fest 2013 along with a new tent to camp with a bunch of chicks I sure as hell wouldn't get myself into a relationship beforehand unless said woman could come-with.

[Treasa]

If I ever become 38 years old and still in the dating world because I have been not able to find someone who wants to expend her life with me I probably will need to worry and look indeed about what is my problem,. I am sure any relationship where one of the persons put his/her own first will work very good...love is about giving not about taking...

 

I've been asked by guys to marry them four different times. There are two guys right now who would marry me in a heartbeat if I wanted to. One of them has been in love with me for 16 years. I don't want to get married. I'm not in the dating world just because I'm seeing someone. If it ends, I'll be fine. I love my life.

 

I still advise anyone young and/or technically single to put themselves first, whether they are male or female. Especially if plans have already been made and paid for.

 

You seem angry, but I have no idea why. Eh. *shrugs*

[iris219]

I’m in a similar situation. I wasn’t sure what was appropriate behavior with my male friends now that I have a BF. I just use common sense, often considering how I would feel if he was doing something similar, and I talk to him about it.

 

If the relationship with your male friends has always been platonic, I don’t see a problem. However, you say your male friends would hook up with you, which is a problem. My close male friends and I are like siblings. They don’t want to hook up with me and vice versa. They often forget I’m a girl!

 

If you know your male friends want to sleep with you, I wouldn’t hang out with them. I don't consider men who (actively) want to sleep with me genuine friends anyway.

 

I had a birthday get together recently and chose to not invite two good male friends because I’d made out with one in the past and I know the other used to have a crush on me. One I dated for several months and we are (were) good friends and the other I’ve know for 8 years. I didn’t think it was appropriate to make my BF unknowingly hang out with men who’ve touched me or who've wanted to touch me in a sexual manner. If it means I don’t have a friendship with these guys, so be it. I choose my BF over them.