Aerrie Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Hello LS. I am a 24 year old male and I would like to share the relationship with my first love, which happened some 7 years ago. I guess that the fact that I am still interested in this enough to post this, sais something. Allthough I understand relationships, I got too scarred and damaged during that one to be able to have a non-biased view at it. During my Elementary School and half of Grammar School I was skinny, below average looking, and with the usual teen trouble such as no muscle mass, spotty face, dandruffy hair... I also experienced a fair share of bullying. I ve had endured a few platonic loves by then, which convinced me , that I did not really have a chance at a cute girl, and was generally rather depressed and hopeless. Of course, I also really wanted to lose virginity in order not to be such a terrible loser. I was more interested in a nice girlfriend, though. Due to all the above mentioned, I pretty much retracted from the real world and was spending all my life on the computer playing games and watching series/movies. Not that I mind that now, I like who I have become and I have enjoyed many great stories in those worlds. Much more interesting and epic than what life has to offer. In any case, let us get to the relationship. 2 years before the end of Grammar School (I was 16-17), I stopped to talk to a female friend for like 10 minutes (I think she was into me, but I had no idea at the time) and I saw her best friend (they shared classes) sitting nearby and reading a textbook. I looked at her a few times in a shy way and so did she. The common friend gave me her ICQ number and we chatted through the afternoon/evening and agreed to meet up and have a date in school during a break between lessons, which lasts 20 minutes Her name and she was beautiful as an angel to me, her name was Markéta. She was a 16 year old shy, good girl and a virgin, of course. We had that date and unfortunately I just had my hair cut so I think I looked pretty bad to be fair. Also, of course, a bit different than when she saw me for the first time. I really do not see what she could have possibly seen in me, but the common friend told me, that the class after the break, she was day dreaming, pulled out a wrong textbook and just generally seemed charmed. I waited for her after school and walked her home. We talked and she even waited outside her flat before going in to talk to me for like another hour. At the end of the conversation, I kissed her. I doubt there was much tongue there if any, but the whole day felt telling enough, that as soon as I got home, I jumped in the air and yelled with sheer happiness knowing I had just finally gotten a girlfriend. We ended up seeing each other pretty much every day at school and I think for half a day during the weekends. Most of the time we just talked. We enjoyed each other very much. We never really officialy agreed to date, but it was clear to both of us, so there was no need. I was too afraid and shy to ask officialy, I suppose. Those were the happiest moments in my life, I had never been hurt before, so I jumped into the relationship head ahead, opened my heart entirely and succumbed to very powerful love. She was blonde, a little smaller than me, a rather pretty face with freckles (I have loved freckles so much since then) and a little overweight body and booty. Her boobs were really hangy for her age but what the heck, I loved her so much I did not care. (Due to such strong love I have since only dated girls with a bit big hips) After a few weeks, I obviously started longing for sex. It would not be my first, more like third, but the first ones were not out of love or much enjoyable, so I pretty much considered it to be my first real experience. Due to her age and good girl nature, she was really afraid. Also, for some reason, her friend (not the common friend, but a music group friend – by the way, have I mentioned how I ***ING LOATHE people who play instruments and are a part of a musical group? All I have ever met were frigid and bitchy) kept telling her that I was a man-whore (untrue) and that she should be really careful and not jump into bed with me under any circumstance. I started really pushing her into sex after around 1,5-2 months into the relationship. This was due to several reasons. Firstly, she was so unexperienced and unskilled and just generally not ready for bed, that she lacked the skill to even jerk me off with her hand. (We have only managed this much later and only when I strained my legs and thought hard about something inspiring – her accomplishment YES was EPIC, thoughJ Never since that , have I seen a girl so excited to get me off ). Secondly, like I said, I was officially a virgin and a guy having regular sex would not be such a loser. (When it started happening it has actually increased my social status in class brutally-from one of the biggest losers and nerds I suddenly became as cool as the top 3 guys in my class ). Thirdly, at 17, as you can imagine, guy having a pretty girlfriend is SUPER BRUTAL DAMN horny and wants it like 3 times a day. Especially since she was unable to satisfy me otherwise. I really needed to get a room as they say and I became barely interested in anything else than sex. Only after it would be priority table reset to normal (her, hobbies, school…). Anyhow, I think it was near 3 months into the relationship that she was finally willing to give it a try. Thankfully she ignored her musical group friend and we tried it. At that point I was like a hungry lion on a chain, man DID I WANT IT BAD. Problem was, I did not know how to do it and I was too shy to grab her hips and position her properly, so I kept trying to get in from an awkward angle and after a few minutes of failure my manly pride has literally gone soft. Also, we were at my grandmas flat in a room alone, but she could come in any time so it was not ideal. But we were really struggling with a place for privacy. My home was too far and she did not want to bring me home when her parents were there untill later. She was discouraged and did not want to try again for like a week. Then finally, we tried again at her place when her parents were away. This time I let her be up, so my failure would not happen again. Problem was, this way she was able to back off at the first sign of pain, which she did after sitting on me a few centimeters deep. There was no blood or anything, though, so I do not think that was it for her virginity physically. But I guess mentally yes. I guess you can imagine how unfulfilled, horny and disappointed I felt after all this waiting. But I suppose that she being able to make it her decision and stop after all the convincing from me was a good thing. I actually told her that it was okay and that I would wait untill she was ready. I actually loved her so much. I was, of course, secretely hoping to get it on again as soon as possible. Ideally in like 3 minutes I think it took another week or two untill we finally proceeded. It was strange in the way that I never felt any breach happening and there was never any blood, so I guess she was just one of those types. Thing is, it is not like the wait was really worth it, because I have extreme stamina and I was unable to get off while inside a girl. Probably also partly has to do with my circumcision. I was never able to finish,I always just lasted forever and then had to finish myself until my GF learned how to do it with her hand. I loved the intimate moments anyway, because I was able to confirm in my mind that she is in fact mine and I can touch her everywhere and be inside her. I was so lame and unlucky with girls before her, that I am now probably damaged for life wanting to **** my girl good and often even if it is not really too enjoyable for me, just to prove that she is really mine. Because, honestly, I only really enjoy one sexual position and that is after years of training and when helping her with my imagination and stretching my body. I loved her so much that I would not actually even mind having a baby with her (at the age of 17 !!), which is something I would not get into with any girl after that until now at 24. Maybe not even now, but rather in a few years. I think she did really love me with her heart due to the fact that she gave up her virginity for me anddue to how she saw me and acted to me. Now, let us fast forward later in the relationship. Things were getting pretty hard due to the fact that she studied a lot and also spent like 15-20 hours a week doing those GOD DAMN FKIN musical group things. I actually tried going to one of those but I just plain hated it, because it was more important to her than me. Basically, she put everything ahead of me. Family, hobbies, school, housework, friends, hell even her ***ing socks left on the floor were more important than coming to bed. She was also REALLY frigid, she only agreed to having sex like once in 8-13 days and I suspect she only did it for me. She said that she has never had an orgasm with me and that she does not enjoy sex other than the intimacy that come with it. Also, she was really weird in a way. For example I wanted her to spend the night with me as often as possible (not mainly for sex but to be able to fall asleep in each others arms and so the first thing we would see after waking up would bet the beautiful sight of our loved one). And she basically said: „I do not really find any difference in sleeping alone Versus sleeping together.“ I was like WTF, I felt like my heart had been struck. We also barely ever had privacy, we saw each other at school a lot, but that just sucks. Loads of people around and no time or peace. She barely went to my place (7 kms away) due to all the hobbies and her parents. And I could not really visit her that often and it is not like we would have much privacy there. The first point when we hit major trouble was the topic of summer vacation. Basically, after such a lack of private time together, the dream has come true. My dad and mom booked a 14 day stay in Italy, and offered to take her with us and pay for the accommodation and other expenses apart from the trip (120 EUR). Instead of unbearably long separation, we would spend the time of our loves together. I was EXTREMELY excited about this and I asked her. Problem was she was not really sure what to say, she was not liking the idea at all and did not know what to say. She was uncomfortable going with my family, who were almost strangers to her. Maybe she was also uncomfortable with them paying for stuff for her. It was also relatively soon into the relationship. I proposed the idea like 3 months in and we would go 5-6 months in. I kept convincing her for a few weeks and I even manned up and talked to her parents with her, because she was also afraid of what they would say. (Unless it was an excuse). I told them that I mean things with her and do not want to hurt her and really like her and that I think such an opportunity is very nice and would be an investment into the future for our relationship. They agreed and took it nicely. They offered to pay the 120 EUR for the train trip without trouble. They saw how happy she was for the first time in her love and I think especially the mother rooted for us. The father was a soldier, but I respected him and he seemed to accept me. She kept saying she would consider it and blah blah, but when push came to shove when we really neded her info for the accommodation details, she refused to go. My eyes burst into tears and I felt a dagger in my heart. I was so bitter and sad it is beyond description. When I was leaving, she agreed to come and see me on the train station to say our goodbyes for 17 days. But she was colouring her moms hair and then she failed to check whether her bicycle was in a good shape after the winter. The bicycle tire was, in fact, empty and thus she had no way of getting to the station in time. Honestly, i fit were me, I would have gotten a taxi or asked the parents to give me a lift, hell even run in order to make it. I awaited her til the last second and cried when she never made it. We both got super depressed after realising how sad this is, that we were not going to see each other for 17 days without saying goodbye or having a bye kiss and we were on a phone for a few dozens minutes, both crying and expressing love. I ran out of my cell phone credit that I had for the whole vacation, because we had already passed the Czech border by then. I got so bitter and sad and angry at her for not going, that I ended up several times ***ing another girl of my nationality that was staying at the hotel. We had a mini relationship and I even sheded a tear at the end of it. But I was upfront with her saying that I had a GF that I LOVE and that I only want some fun on my damn holiday. Because honestly, before that, I was not even interested in anything the sea and the holiday had to offer, I was in bed crying and waiting for the 14 days to the end so I could be with her again. There was 1 common PC in the lobby and I spent EVERY night talking to my girl for 4-8 hours on ICQ. We had so much to share, so much to talk about, we were looking forward to finally being together again. I, of course, never mentioned my betrayal, but honestly, I see it as more of HER betrayal for not coming with me. Till this day I do not regred my cheating there, she hurt me incredibly much by not going. Damn weird thing was, that with the other girl during sex, I actually came while inside a girl for the first ever in my life. Like I said before, I had a problem with too much sexual stamina and untill that point, I was never able to finish,I always just lasted forever and then had to finish myself untill my GF learned to do so. I think that girl fixed me though, because the first sex after I came back, I managed to do it again even if with effort. I would, for once, just love to come because it is so enjoyable, not because I try really hard to. But nevermind. When I came back after the holday, we were so hyped to see together but due to her damn personality, she refused to come overnight the evening I arrived (what would her mom say etc..) and the next day she had A MOTHFKIN STUPID SHT DAMN concert with her orchestra (have I said how much I hate musical groups? xD). So basically, she would not come as it was half way across the country. I had some man pride and so I refused to go to the concert because it was more important to her than seeing me after 20 days. And even if I did, we would get like no time together, her family was gonna be there and then accompany her home and stay etc.. So the next day, I woke up at 9 and I sat on my bed trembling with love and counting every second till she would come. (We would have no privacy at her flat), and guess what, she missed the train or whatever and came at 2 pm instead of the morning. Of course she also had to eat lunch at home, right? I mean her mom cooked it, she could not possibly skip out on it, it is more important than me, right? But guys, when she arrived, I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I was not aware she had already arrived as my mom had let her in. I felt a disturbance in the Force, so I opened my room door and man, there she was- standing with her hair reflecting the sunlight, like a true angel, looking in my eyes. We were shocked for a few seconds and then we jumped each other and hugged and cried of hapiness. Would someone explain to me what the hell she was feeling with all these mixed signals ? My feelings were on a rollercoaster the whole relationship due to her nature and behaviour. After that, the relationship continue as before, she putting me lowest on her priority list, neglecting me and with all the other problems. She was not even really able to say „I love you“ after some 8-9 months into the relationship, she basically said like, „I do not know, but I really really like you very much.“ During that time she has also cheated on me once at her STUPID FKIN MUSICAL CAMP with a MUSICAL BOY from her class. But it was only a kiss, she sais. And I am inclined to believe that. During months 9-12 the relationship really started to go downhill. She would barely make time for me, we had no privacy, she would not make time for me etc. We had privacy and intimacy like once in 9-12 days. She kept saying we are together too often (seeing each other at school every day and me walking her home sometimes, also texting, icq, skype). But I kept saying that I feel like if we had not seen each other AT ALL unless there was some quality time involved. And that does not have to be intimacy, but it certainly is not a school hall. The second breaking point came on the first of January, when I had my birthday, it was the New Year Eve and also my Prom was that night(she was 1 year younger). I absolutely wanted her to come to my place after the Prom, because I know she is hesitant to do that late at night, so I told her weeks before, how awesome it was going to be, that I would see her in a beautiful dress and enjoy her company and then spend the night with her at my place. It was a dream for me. I am really horny so I get turned on a lot seeing all those beautiful girls in dresses. She slowly started informing me that she does not, in fact, want to come over after the Prom, because she has no transport there and back and that she could not actually spend the whole night til the morning, I mean what would her mom say right? (she would actually be rather fine with it). Due to this, I arranged a car to get her to my place and then home 2-3 hours later. She declined and we fought throughout the whole event. I grabbed her arm and wanted her to listen and to be mine, but she got upset and left and I just sat there alone, my head down, sad. I felt like she was slipping and like I was not even sure she was mine because I have not held her for so long and she was so beautiful yet out of my reach. The relationship started really falling apart, I made a few scenes, I cried, yelled, raged, apologized, threw chairs around in sorry, once I ran through freezing weather to catch a train to see her and such crazy things. I even started calling her names like damaged, frigid, nuts, because I just could not understand her behaviour. Due to some miracle, we were still sort of together, but I lacked intimacy and being with her so much, that I kept damaging it. At the end, we hadnt been alone for like 13 days and I managed to get her to come over to my place. I think we had sex, if not very good, but after 2 hours she said she had to leave and go to her musical group lessons !!!! That was the last drop for me, we were spending no time together and she wanted to leave again? So soon? I told her allright, if you want go, you go. But if you leave this door, I never want to see you again. I love you and I want to be with you. Your choice. She got dressed, got up, we kissed and she left…………. That was the end of the love of my life. I had no regrets, because she was also going to England for 2 months for a trip and I would not endure such a separation. (In hindsight, I would actually have been willing to wait for her even at that age, I loved her that much). (Now, 7 years later, I have never loved anyone NEARLY as much as her, but I think it would not work out for life anyway due to her brutally lesser interest in sex. Please guys, tell me your opinion, have I slowly destroyed the relationship and her love for me by constantly requiring sex, kissing and intimacy? Or has she never, in fact, loved me? Was she just testing what dating is like while not wanting a serious relationship? Because I was actually willing to be with her forever. After the relationship ended, I was absolutely fine for about 3-4 months. We had no contact. It actually took that long for all the bad things that happened to clear out of my mind and heart. After they did, though, I started feeling incredible pain and doubt and love. I tried to get back with her, called her, texted her, even sat at her doorstep drunk at night once. I felt this love for over a year after the break-up. And for the next 1-2 years after that I would immediately break up with anyone if I was given the chance to be with the love of my life again. Here is another thing I would like to ask you guys about: I managed to get her to come to my place for a visit at what might have been about 7 months after the break-up. She came and she was beautiful as ever. She was a few months back from the trip to England, so I felt like I was inferior to her after such an experience. For a few hours, we sat on my bed (which we used to make love on) talked about how are lives were and when she was leaving I asked her whether she had considered getting back with me and that I would like to. She said „You do not enter the same river twice“ and I said something along the lines of „You can enter the same river twice, because it flows and thus is not the same .“ I wanted to try kissing her I think there may have been a moment to do so, but I think I was too shy and afraid to do it. She promised to give it some thought, but she never followed it up. I have no idea what the purpose of her visit was then? Was she checking whether there was any spark left? (There sure was from my side.) Or did she just want to check how I am? (why go through so much effort as travelling to another town to do so, though?) Had I failed to act? Had she given me a chance and should I ve had held her and kissed her? I am sorry for giant walls of text critting you every for over 9000, but I hope some of you have enjoyed my story and I am eager for any opinions on any of what occured and perhaps learning some closure or reasons why things happened. I would also like to aplogize for my language skills, English is not my main language, but you have probably understood me rather well.
Beachbabe9109 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Lol, nice anon reference there at the end. I think you should've given her another call after her visit rather than wait for her to get in contact with you. Has it been a long time? If not, maybe you can try reaching out one more time? And about the whole kissing thing too soon, don't do that until you're sure of things.
Author Aerrie Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Hello, thank you for your opinion It has actually been 5 years since that visit happened, like I mentioned throughout the post, that relationship is long gone. I still sometimes think about her, though. That and all the things I remember and wrote to you go to show how much it still means to me. I am mostly seeking some ideas about what may have been going on in her head and heart troughout the phases. I do not consider her visit at the end that important. Mostly I would like to know if you guys feel like she ever loved me and why you think the relationship crashed. Or what have I potentionally done wrong.
clia Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 You may get more responses if you can find some way to shorten and include paragraphs in the wall of text you posted. It's really hard to read.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Hello, thank you for your opinion It has actually been 5 years since that visit happened, like I mentioned throughout the post, that relationship is long gone. I still sometimes think about her, though. That and all the things I remember and wrote to you go to show how much it still means to me. I am mostly seeking some ideas about what may have been going on in her head and heart troughout the phases. I do not consider her visit at the end that important. Mostly I would like to know if you guys feel like she ever loved me and why you think the relationship crashed. Or what have I potentionally done wrong. Sorry, like Proust's 20 volume tome on remembrances past, I couldn't quite get through the OP. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what was going through her head while you dated, why she distanced herself, or why she broke up with you. The relationship, which lasted only months, ended 5 or 7 years ago. You were both teenagers in your first relationship. She has evolved into someone very different today. The person you loved no longer exists. You are now adults leading completely separate lives. Very different people with different needs and wants today. Learn to live in the present and focus on your future. Refusing to let go of her emotionally or enjoy healthy, long-term relationships with other women is a mistake. You are holding yourself back from finding happiness. That's not romantic. It's tragic. Edited March 15, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Divasu Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Her boobs were really hangy for her agemy manly pride has literally gone soft
abcxyz Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 You were teenagers and she seemed to be operating with that in mind. She was trying to juggle school, activities, family, whatever else, and you. I think with most teens, even if they're sooo in love, they recognize the fact that they are in fact teens, and have their whole lives ahead, so don't get too nuts. And you had a problem with her sex drive/orgasms..many girls don't feel it physically until they're older, while teen boys are pretty much exploding. I don't think you were so in love with her but had major hormone overload and you were obsessed with having sex..you pushed for that repeatedly, and I guess you felt like you owned her when you had sex with her? Like it was proof of her love or your power? It's not. And you shouldn't have cheated on her. It's great to feel a strong emotional/physical bond with someone so early in life and I think many people still think of their first love here and there, but that doesn't mean it's forever. Let go of her and what you think is your "type" based only on her, and find someone new as a 24 year old, not a guy stuck at 17.
Author Aerrie Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) Hello everyone, thank you for your replies. Sorry about making it hard to read, I spent like 4 hours typing the story so I did not have much energy left to fix it to make it more readeable. After lunch, I will streamline the story, cut out of fat, make more paragraphs, sections etc. Yes, I think sex was means of making me feel like she is mine, and that she does not in fact, belong to her parents / musical group / school etc... It stuck with me a little bit even now, I do not feel like I am certain that a girl is really mine in a relationship unless we have sex regularly, but I guess it is normal to a certain degree. I do not really want to own her life, just her sexuality, of course. The exploding teenager did not really apply to me, but I understand that she was not perhaps quite ready to enjoy sex at her age. Nowadays, I would not be surprised if she loves it like most people do. Maybe the fact, that I could not really be satisfied during sex, was partially a reason why I wanted it so often. By the way guys, why do you think she did not want to go with me on the vacation? I could not, for the love of God, understand that. The hormone overload sounds logical. May have been so. I am not like that anymore. I am not stuck in the relationship and I definitely have moved on with my life. It is just something I still wonder about. I think I pretty much let go around 3 years after the relationship ended. I have a topic about my current relationship on this forum, if you are interested (not nearly as long:D), here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/378298-my-damn-weird-relationship-life . As explained there, i am at a lifes precipice right now and would love to hear what you think. Edited March 18, 2013 by Aerrie
Author Aerrie Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 REPOSTING A VERSION THAT IS TRIMMED AND EASIER TO READ: Hello LS. I am a 24 year old male and I would like to share the relationship with my first love, which happened around 7 years ago. Allthough I understand relationships, I got too scarred and damaged during that one to be able to have a non-biased view at it. Mostly I would like to know if you guys feel like she ever loved me and why you think the relationship crashed. Me before her During Elementary School and half of Grammar School, I was skinny, below average looking, and with the usual teen trouble such as no muscle mass, spotty face, dandruffy hair... I also experienced a fair share of bullying. By then, I have had endured a few platonic loves, which convinced me, that I did not really have a chance at a cute girl. Due to that, I was generally rather depressed and hopeless. Of course, I also really wanted to lose virginity in order not to be such a terrible loser. I was more interested in a nice girlfriend, though. Due to all the above mentioned, I pretty much retracted from the real world and was spending all my life on the computer playing games and watching series/movies. Not that I mind that now, I like who I have become and I have enjoyed many great stories in those worlds. Much more interesting and epic than what life has to offer. Beggings + first sex In any case, let us get to the relationship. 2 years before the end of Grammar School (I was 16-17), I stopped to talk to a female friend for like 10 minutes (I think she was into me, but I had no idea at the time) and I saw her best friend (they shared classes) sitting nearby and reading a textbook. I looked at her a few times in a shy way and so did she. The common friend gave me her ICQ number and we chatted through the afternoon/evening and agreed to meet up and have a mini-date at school during a break between lessons:) She was beautiful as an angel (to me) and so was her name, Markéta. She was a 16 year shy, good girl. And a virgin, of course. She was blonde, a little smaller than me, a rather pretty face with freckles (I have loved freckles since then) and a little overweight body and booty. Her boobs were quite hangy for her age but what the heck, I liked her so much I did not care. (Interestingly, I have mostly dated girls with a bit big hips since then) I really do not see what she could have possibly seen in me, but after the date, the common friend told me, that the class after the break, she was day dreaming, pulled out a wrong textbook and just generally seemed charmed. I waited for her after school and walked her home. We talked and she even waited outside her flat before going in to talk to me for like another hour. At the end of the conversation, we kissed. As soon as I got home, I jumped in the air and yelled with sheer happiness knowing I had just finally gotten a girlfriend. I also finally found meaning in life and improved my school marks drastically. We ended up seeing each other pretty much every day at school and I think for half a day during the weekends. Those were the happiest moments in my life, I had never been hurt before, so I jumped into the relationship head ahead, opened my heart entirely and succumbed to very powerful love. After a few weeks, I obviously started longing for sex. It would not be my first, more like third, but the first ones were not out of love or much enjoyable, so I pretty much considered it to be my first real experience. Due to her age and good girl nature, she was really afraid. Also, for some reason, her friend (not the common friend, but a music group friend) kept telling her that I was a man-whore (untrue) and that she should be really careful and not jump into bed with me under any circumstance. (By the way, have I mentioned how I ***ING LOATHE people who play instruments and are a part of a musical group-orchestra trainees? All I have ever met were frigid and bitchy. I would NEVER let my kids have that hobby, unless they were frigging Mozarts). I started really pushing her into sex after around 1,5-2 months into the relationship. This was due to several reasons. Firstly, she was so unexperienced, unskilled and just generally not ready for bed, that she lacked the skill to even get me off with her hand. (We have only managed this much later on, and only when I strained my legs and thought hard about something inspiring). (When the moment came, it was very funny, she yelled an accomplishing “YES” – never since have I seen a girl so happy to get me off: D) Secondly, like I said, I was officially a virgin. A guy having regular sex would not be such a loser. (When it started happening it has actually increased my social status in class brutally-from one of the biggest losers and nerds I suddenly became as cool as the top 3 guys in my class). Thirdly, at 17, as you can imagine, guy having a pretty girlfriend is SUPER BRUTAL DAMN horny and wants it like 3 times a day. Especially since she was unable to satisfy me otherwise. I really needed to get a room as they say and I became barely interested in anything else than sex. Only after it would be priority table reset to normal (her, hobbies, school…). We were also really struggling for privacy. My home was too far and she did not want to bring me home when her parents were there until later. I think it was near 3 months into the relationship that she was finally willing to give it a try. Thankfully she ignored her musical group friend and we tried it. At that point I was like a hungry lion on a chain, man DID I WANT IT BAD. Problem was, I did not know how to do it properly, and I was too shy to grab her hips and position her as needed, so I kept trying to get in from an awkward angle and after a few minutes of failure my manly pride has literally gone soft. She was discouraged and did not want to try again for like a week. Then finally, we tried again at her place when her parents were away. This time I let her sit on me, so my failure would not happen again. Problem was, this way she was able to back off at the first sign of pain, which she did after sitting on me a few centimeters deep. There was no blood or anything, so I do not think that was it for her virginity physically. But I guess mentally yes. I guess you can imagine how unfulfilled, horny and disappointed I felt after all the wait. But I suppose that she being able to make it her decision and stop was a good thing due to all my mental pressure. I actually told her that it was okay and that I would wait untill she was ready. I think it took another week or two untill we finally proceeded. Thing is, it is not like the wait was really worth it, because I have extreme stamina and I was unable to get off while inside a girl. Probably also partly has to do with my circumcision. I was never able to finish, I always just lasted forever and then had to finish myself until she learnt how to do it with her hand. I loved the intimate moments anyway, because I was able to confirm in my mind that she is in fact mine and I can touch her everywhere and be inside her. I was so lame and unlucky with girls before her, that I am now probably damaged for life wanting to **** my girl good and often even if it is not really too enjoyable for me, just to prove that she is really mine. Because, honestly, I only really enjoy one sexual position and that is after years of training and when helping with my imagination and stretching my body. I loved her so much that I would not actually even mind having a baby with her (at the age of 17 !!), which is something I would not get into with any girl after that until now at 24. Maybe not even now, but rather in a few years. I think she did really love me due to the fact that she gave up her virginity for me; and I also felt it from the way she acted to me. Middle part of the relationship + first giant problem (vacation in Italy) + cheating Now, let us fast forward later in the relationship. Things were getting pretty hard due to the fact that she studied a lot and also spent like 15-20 hours a week doing those GOD DAMN FKIN musical group things. I actually tried going to one of those, but I just plain hated it. Due to the fact, that it seemed more important to her than me. (Even if she was forced by her parents to attend). Basically, she seemed to put everything ahead of me. Family, hobbies, school, housework, friends, hell even her ***ing socks left on the floor were more important than coming to bed. She was also REALLY frigid, she only agreed to have sex like once in 8-13 days, and I suspect she only did it for me. She said that she has never had an orgasm and that she does not enjoy sex other than the intimacy that comes with it. Also, she was really weird in a way. For example I wanted her to spend the night with me whenever we could (like once in 20 days) (not just for sex, but to be able to fall asleep in each others arms). And she basically said: „I do not really find any difference in sleeping alone versus sleeping together. “ I was like WHAT THE ***, how could you say that? I got hurt by a similar line like every other day. Another example: once I let my bus depart without me and waited for her bus for 1 hour just to make her company. Then, her dad called her that he can pick her up early, and she left without hesitation and let me wait for 2 hours. Funny thing is, they actually drove by my village and failed to consider taking me along. Any idea how she could have possibly thought/say this? I mean girls love spending the night with their BF. It is romantic. Generally, barely ever had privacy, we saw each other at school a lot, but that just sucks. Loads of people around and no time or peace. She barely went to my place (7 kms away) due to all the hobbies and her parents. And I could not really visit her that often and it is not like we would have much privacy there anyway. The first point we hit major trouble was the topic of summer vacation. Basically, after such a lack of private time together, the dream has come true. My dad and mom booked a 14 day stay in Italy, and offered to take her with us and pay for the accommodation and other expenses apart from the trip (120 EUR). Instead of unbearably long separation, we would spend the time of our lives together. I was EXTREMELY excited about this and I asked her. Problem was she was not really sure what to say, she did not like the idea at all and did not know what to say. She was uncomfortable going with my family, who were almost strangers to her. Maybe she was also uncomfortable with them paying for the accommodation for her. It was also relatively soon into the relationship. I proposed the idea like 3 months in and we would go 5-6 months in. I kept convincing her for a few weeks and I even manned up and talked to her parents with her, because she was also afraid of what they would say. (Unless it was an excuse). I told them that I mean things with her and do not want to hurt her and really like her and that I think such an opportunity is very nice and would be an investment into the future for our relationship. They agreed and took it nicely. They offered to pay the money for the train trip without any trouble. Not like it was a lot of money. They saw how happy she was for the first time in her life, and I think especially the mother rooted for us. The father was a soldier, I respected him and he seemed to accept me. She kept saying she would consider it and blah blah, but when push came to shove (when we really neded her info for the accommodation details), she refused to go. My eyes burst into tears and I felt a dagger in my heart. I was so bitter and sad it is beyond description. When I was leaving, she was too late to the station and we both got super depressed after realising how sad this is, that we were not going to see each other for 17 days without saying goodbye or having a bye kiss. We were on a call for a few dozens minutes, both crying and expressing love. I got so bitter and sad and angry at her for not going, that I ended up several times ***ing another girl of my nationality that was staying at the hotel. At least, I was upfront with her saying that I had a GF that I LOVE and that I only want some fun on my damn holiday. Because honestly, before I met that other girl, I was not even interested in anything the sea and the holiday had to offer, I was in bed crying and waiting for the 14 days to be over, so I could be with my girl again. There was 1 common PC in the lobby and I spent EVERY night talking to her for 4-8 hours on ICQ. We had so much to share, so much to talk about, we were looking forward to finally being together again. I, of course, never mentioned my betrayal, but honestly, I see it as more of HER betrayal for not coming with me. Till this day I do not regret my cheating there, she hurt me incredibly much by not going. Damn weird thing was that with the other girl, during sex, I actually came while inside a girl for the first ever in my life. Like I said before, I had a problem with too much sexual stamina and untill that point, I was never able to finish, I always just lasted forever and then had to finish myself untill my GF learned to do so. I think that girl fixed me, because the first sex after I came back, I managed to do it again even if with effort. I felt guilty not experiencing it for the first time with my girl, but I think knowing that it was possible helped. Even nowadays, I would, for once, just love to come because the sex is so enjoyable, not because I try really hard to. But nevermind, that is off topic. When I came back after the holday, we were so hyped to see together but due to her damn personality, she refused to come overnight the evening I arrived (what would her mom say etc..) and the next day she had A MOTHFKIN STUPID SHT DAMN concert with her orchestra (have I said how much I hate musical groups? xD). So basically, she would not come, as it was half way across the country. I had some man pride, so I refused to go to the concert because it was more important to her than seeing me after 20 days. And even if I did, we would get like no time together, her family was gonna be there and then accompany her home and stay etc. The next day, I woke up at 9 and I sat on my bed trembling with love and counting every second till she would come. (We would have no privacy at her flat). And guess what, she missed the train or whatever and came at 2 pm instead of the morning. Of course she also had to eat lunch at home, right? I mean her mom cooked it, she could not possibly skip out on it, it is more important than me, right? But guys, when she arrived, I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I was not aware she had already arrived as my mom had let her in. I felt a disturbance in the Force, so I opened my room door and man, there she was- standing with her hair reflecting the sunlight, like a true angel, looking in my eyes. We were shocked for a few seconds and then we jumped each other and hugged and cried of hapiness. Would someone explain to me what the hell she was doing/feeling with all these mixed actions? My feelings were on a rollercoaster the whole relationship due to such behaviour from her. The twilight of the love and the break-up After the vacation, the relationship continued as before, with her putting us lowest on her priority list. She was not even really able to say „I love you“ after some 8-9 months into the relationship, she basically said like, „I do not know, but I really really like you very much.“ I read on some dating sites, that when a girl is not easily able to say “I love you” and only sais “I do not know”, it means that the answer is NO. Does that mean that she stopped loving me? And if yes, why? Or has she never really loved me? During this time, she has also cheated on me once at her STUPID MOTH***ING MUSICAL CAMP with a MUSICAL BOY from her class. It was only a kiss, she said. I am inclined to believe that. I was hurt, but did not make much of it. During months 9-12, the relationship really started to go downhill. She would barely make time for me, we had no privacy, we argued etc. We had privacy and intimacy/sex like once in 9-12 days. She kept saying we are together too often (seeing each other at school every day and me walking her home sometimes, also texting, icq, skype). But I kept saying that I feel like if we had not seen each other AT ALL unless there was some quality time involved. And that does not have to be intimacy, but it certainly is not 10 minutes in a school hall. The second breaking point came on the first of January on my birthday, it was the New Years Eve and also my prom was that night (she was 1 year younger). I absolutely wanted her to come to my place after the Prom, because she was usually hesitant to do that late at night. I told her weeks before how awesome it was going to be, that I would see her in a beautiful dress and enjoy her company and then spend the night with her at my place. It was a dream for me. I am really horny so I get turned on seeing all those beautiful girls in dresses. She slowly started informing me that she does not, in fact, want to come over after the prom, because she has no transport there and back and that she could not actually spend the whole night til the morning, I mean what would her mom say right? (Her mom would actually be rather fine with it). Due to this, I arranged a car to get her to my place and then home 3 hours later. She declined and we fought throughout the whole event. I grabbed her arm and wanted her to listen and come, but she got upset and left and I just sat there alone, my head down, sad the whole event. I felt like she was slipping, like I was not even sure she was mine because I have not held her for so long and she was so familiar, yet out of my reach. The relationship started really falling apart, I made a few scenes, I cried, yelled, raged, apologized, threw chairs around, once I ran through freezing weather to catch a train to see her and such crazy things. I even started calling her names like damaged, frigid, nuts, because I just could not understand her behaviour and the lack of need to be together and to have sex. Due to some miracle, we were still sort of together, but I lacked intimacy and being with her so much, that I kept damaging us. At the end, we hadnt been alone for like 13 days and I managed to get her to come over to my place. We had sex, but soon she said she had to leave and go to her musical group lessons !!!! That was the last drop for me, we were spending no time together and she wanted to leave again? So soon? WTF! I told her allright, if you want go, you go. But if you leave this door, I never want to see you again. I love you and I want to be with you. Your choice. She got dressed, got up, we kissed and she left…………. That was the end of the love of my life. I had no regrets, because she was also going to England for 2 months for a trip and I would not endure such a separation. (In hindsight, I would actually have been willing to wait for her even at that age, I loved her that much). (Now, 7 years later, I have never loved anyone NEARLY as much as her, but I think it would not work out for life anyway due to her brutally lesser interest in sex. Please guys, tell me your opinion, have I slowly destroyed the relationship and her love for me by constantly requiring sex, kissing and intimacy? Or has she never, in fact, loved me? Was she just testing what dating is like while not wanting a serious relationship? I was actually willing to be with her forever. Post mortem After the relationship ended, I was absolutely fine for about 3-4 months. We had no contact. It actually took that long for all the bad things that happened to clear out of my mind and heart. After they did, though, I started feeling incredible pain and doubt and love. I tried to get back with her, called her, texted her, even sat at her doorstep drunk at night once. I felt this love for over a year after the break-up. And for the next 1-2 years after that I would immediately break up with anyone if I was given the chance to be with the love of my life again. Here is another thing I would like to ask you guys about: I managed to get her to come to my place for a visit at what might have been about 7 months after the break-up. She came and she was beautiful as ever. She was a few months back from the trip to England, so I felt like I was inferior to her after such an experience. For a few hours, we sat on my bed (which we used to make love on) talked about how are lives were and when she was leaving I asked her whether she had considered getting back with me and that I would like to. She said „You do not enter the same river twice“and I said something along the lines of „You can enter the same river twice, because it flows and thus is not the same. “ I wanted to try kissing her, as I think there may have been a moment to do so, but I think I was too shy and afraid to do it. She promised to give it some thought, but she never followed it up. I probably tried some calls and texts, but without much result. I have no idea what the purpose of her visit was then? Was she checking whether there was any spark left? (There sure was from my side.) Or did she just want to check how I am? (Why go through so much effort as travelling to another town to do so, though?) Had I failed to act? Had she given me a chance and should I ve had held her and kissed her? I am sorry for giant walls of text critting you every for over 9000, but I hope some of you have enjoyed my story and I am eager for any opinions on any of what occured and perhaps learning some closure or reasons why things happened. I would also like to apologize for my language skills, English is not my main language, but you have probably understood me rather well.
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