Dating a guy who just got out of a 4 year relationship...

[lamaga]

I recently got out of a 1-year relationship. I am still in the process of moving on and getting over it but I've been doing great lately.

About a week ago I met with a friend to a party and got introduced through another friend to a really cute guy. The moment he walked in there was this attraction between us that was really present to everybody else in the room as well. We talked all night and then all went to another party. I ended up leaving with the guy and we walked around for an hour, went to another bar for drinks, then to my place. We didn't sleep together but made out for a good while and he left early in the morning, kissed me goodbye, then asked me out on a date for the day after that, to meet him for breakfast at a cafe.

 

Well, since I didn't really know what to make of this whole thing and still was thinking of my ex, I ended up not going to the date.

Half an hour after we were supposed to meet he called me (I gave him my business card two nights before) and asked what happened. I told him that I was sorry, and he said the cafe was closed and he walked by my apartment on the way home but forgot where to ring the bell.

He then asked if I was still hungry. So I said yes and he invited me over to his house. We had breakfast, then rolled around, listened to music and ended up sleeping together. It was really enjoyable and for some reason he made me feel really good.

 

Now, two nights after that I went to a party where his friend was. His friend told me that this guy I've been seeing just got out of a 4 year relationship, got dumped by his girlfriend. And that he was really sensitive and introvert in general.

It's something I had noticed too. He doesn't really talk much. He is very enigmatic. I thought, well maybe that's his shtick, but it seems he really is this kind of a guy.

 

Last night he invited me to go to the movies, so we went to see a movie. When we met in front of the theater, he kissed me hello.

Do people do that on a second date? I don't know what to make of this.

Afterwards we went for a drink and then to my place where we actually slept together again. This time it felt really good. It seemed like we really fit, and he cuddled with me for a while after and held me all night.

He left for work in the morning.

 

I tried to distract myself all day but I just ended up texting him, told him I would like to see him before I leave tomorrow (I am leaving for 3 weeks to go on a trip).

 

I feel like maybe that was too early? I really don't know what to make of this guy. He is super enigmatic and I don't know if it's pretending or if he really is shy and genuinely likes me.

 

I feel somehow we are both using each other as rebounds to get over our exes, but then I have genuine feelings for him at the same time.

I think he is still hurting but I also feel like I am making him feel good - not just as a distraction but, perhaps this could be something with enough time and a bit of patience?

 

I am not looking to jump into another relationship.

What do you do in a situation like this?

This guy is really great and he makes me feel butterflies everywhere, something I haven't had in forever. I am scared I might **** this up.

Should I talk to him about this?

Should I wait and see what happens?

I am scared to ask him about his past.

 

By the way, I am 26, he is 28.

 

Maybe this is all too early, anyways and I am just rambling here but perhaps some of you have been in a situation like this before?

Edited March 15, 2013 by lamaga

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is a rebound in just about every sense of the word.

 

Expect a heightened and over-exaggeration sense of emotional attachment and compatibility, everything is going to be through rose-tinted glasses.

 

He's out of a relationship, feeling lonely and missing his past woman...you're being that woman for him, you're the warm flesh that he's using to sink his teeth into to remind me of what he misses...you are merely an outlet. Someone he is attracted to and has chemistry but is in no way emotionally available for something deep, the enigmatic part will come from being protective and distanced with his emotions and unable to open up.

 

Shy and introverted? he meet you on at a party, made-out with you...then planned a date, you flaked..he recovered and got laid out of it, then got laid again soon after. Sorry, doesn't sound like the most shy and introverted man by any standard...maybe personality wise or with something else, but he definitely knows how to take the initiative and bed you.

 

You're extremely vulnerable and highly susceptible to being emotionally penetrated...as well as physically. So you're definitely going to be very easy to get emotionally intertwined with this guy right now, you're fresh pounded meat right out of a relationship and even though you'll be a little stand-offish or hesitant you'll just buckle under the emotional pressure because you believe there might be some substance there.

 

But a guy out of a 4 year relationship and you just out of one yourself? yeah right..c'mon. That shet ain't going to be real-long-term potential relationship, you're not even in your own emotional and mental head space, you're still wrapped up in the past and not over it, especially him...you think those wires just come uncrossed? geez, so much for love when you can get right over and into it with someone new, why even dedicate yourself to a relationship when it's so easy to duplicate those emotions? oh I'm sorry, it's just fate and "chance"....my bad.

 

Use your head...yes I've been in this situation before, a lot of people have. And expect a high-intensity, over emotional experience that will fizzle out and you'll realize you were trying to fulfill something else with someone else once you realize you're actually with a person you hardly know and were never emotionally ready for...it's a rebound.

[lamaga]

Thanks for your reply, I guess this is exactly what I needed to hear. It's not that I am not aware of any of this, but it always sounds much better when someone else says it.

 

 

I will just see where it goes. I am leaving next week anyway so, out of sight, out of mind. It was fun while it lasted, I guess.

 

(But a pity, he's too damn cute, haha).

[clia]

How long has it been since he and his girlfriend broke up?

 

I tried to distract myself all day but I just ended up texting him, told him I would like to see him before I leave tomorrow (I am leaving for 3 weeks to go on a trip). I feel like maybe that was too early?

 

You've known him for a week and have already had sex with him twice and you are worried it might be too early to send him a text?

 

I really don't know what to make of this guy. He is super enigmatic and I don't know if it's pretending or if he really is shy and genuinely likes me.

 

I think he's got mad game. He isn't shy at all!

 

I feel somehow we are both using each other as rebounds to get over our exes, but then I have genuine feelings for him at the same time.

 

You don't even know him. You met him a week ago and the oxytocin is flowing and you are emotional and rebounding...genuine feelings? Come on.

 

I think he is still hurting but I also feel like I am making him feel good - not just as a distraction but, perhaps this could be something with enough time and a bit of patience?

 

Honestly, this has rebound written all over it -- for both of you. That said, since you will be gone for the next three weeks, that time apart should reveal if this has any potential or not. Relationships do, occasionally, come out of rebounds.

 

I am not looking to jump into another relationship.

 

Really? That contradicts this:

 

What do you do in a situation like this?

This guy is really great and he makes me feel butterflies everywhere, something I haven't had in forever. I am scared I might **** this up.

Should I talk to him about this?

Should I wait and see what happens?

I am scared to ask him about his past.

 

You seem pretty enamored with him. Please just take a step back.

 

I also find it amusing that you are afraid to talk to him and scared to ask him about his past, but you aren't afraid or scared to get naked with him.

[xpaperxcutx]

Your " genuine" feelings for him developed from the the minute you slept with him. You were doing fine before having sex, with you even being able to cancel him for a date.

 

You need to take a step back before you decide to jump into a relationship where he most likely will not reciprocate.

 

The reason you feel attached is because he's a good distraction for you, from your ex and from stress. It's a combination of all your hormones that make you believe you're falling for this guy.

 

Go on your trip and do not worry about him. You do not want to get lost in your emotions. If when you get back and he's still in contact with you ( he's initiating to meet and take you out on dates) then you can start " dating" and see where things go.

[lamaga]

So I guess my question is: How far do you go with a rebound?

WHen does it stop?

 

I guess you are right and the next three weeks will reveal some sort of outcome. It will make me feel much better anyway. The reason I booked this trip was to get over my breakup, haha.

 

BTW, I think he's been single for two months only.

I am sure he will be keeping the rebounding with someone else once I am on my trip.

[lamaga]

 

I also find it amusing that you are afraid to talk to him and scared to ask him about his past, but you aren't afraid or scared to get naked with him.

 

I DID ask him, he just didn't want to talk about it, which obviously shows he is still in mourning.

He asked me a lot about my past relationship though, which I thought was really weird. But I didn't feel uncomfortable talking about it I guess, but thats just my nature.

[xpaperxcutx]

So I guess my question is: How far do you go with a rebound?

WHen does it stop?

 

I guess you are right and the next three weeks will reveal some sort of outcome. It will make me feel much better anyway. The reason I booked this trip was to get over my breakup, haha.

 

BTW, I think he's been single for two months only.

I am sure he will be keeping the rebounding with someone else once I am on my trip.

 

It stops when you stop being a participant in the rebound. You have to realize it takes two to be in a relationship and likewise, a rebound. Which is why, if you don't want to get used or fall for a guy who has no hopes of being with you, you stop sleeping with him. Maybe you guys started off on the wrong foot, but if he values you as a person and has no problems with your objections, then he will most certainly respect your wishes and still keep in contact with you, albeit, as a friend.

 

Again, I would save all this drama talk for when you actually get back from your trip. You don't want a mushroom cloud hanging over your head because you got into an argument or a confrontation with him. If you are seeing him before you leave, have a good conversation over coffee, in a public area and where he won't follow you back home.

 

Leave on good terms, and if you guys are still talking when you get back, then start on the right footing and be friends first.

[Star Gazer]

Your " genuine" feelings for him developed from the the minute you slept with him. You were doing fine before having sex, with you even being able to cancel him for a date.

 

You need to take a step back before you decide to jump into a relationship where he most likely will not reciprocate.

 

The reason you feel attached is because he's a good distraction for you, from your ex and from stress. It's a combination of all your hormones that make you believe you're falling for this guy.

 

Go on your trip and do not worry about him. You do not want to get lost in your emotions. If when you get back and he's still in contact with you ( he's initiating to meet and take you out on dates) then you can start " dating" and see where things go.

 

::::applause::::

[Divasu]

If you like to live dangerously, go for it. And yes, do enjoy the ride.

[lamaga]

After reading all your responses, I think I made up my mind about this whole thing... If he contacts me before I leave, I will see him again, if not, I will just enjoy my trip and not worry about this at all.

And see what happens after.

 

Thanks for all the advice. It's all blatantly obvious, but always makes lot more sense when hearing it from someone else.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So I guess my question is: How far do you go with a rebound?

WHen does it stop?

 

I guess you are right and the next three weeks will reveal some sort of outcome. It will make me feel much better anyway. The reason I booked this trip was to get over my breakup, haha.

 

BTW, I think he's been single for two months only.

I am sure he will be keeping the rebounding with someone else once I am on my trip.

 

The problem it's hard to pull away from rebounds once you get yourself into one...you essentially need to stop yourself emotionally, realize the reality of the situation then back away and choose YOU first...and how many women can do that without someone pushing them away first?...not many, they'll typically "see where it goes" even if there is a .0001 chance.

 

But isn't that what is most important here? don't you want to be more of a complete package? And do you really want to be with someone who still isn't over theirs? how can you even trust what he is doing and saying to you when his ex is so fresh in his heart and his mind? Anyway, that's not really going to make a difference right now...even if you understood it, it's really dependent on him pushing you away.

 

Once you get with this guy, it'll be all about him and "us", as far the FWB situation will take you of course. But you'll still have those conflicting internal feelings about your previous ex...once all this "intensity" dies away then you'll still have to face your fears and your previous heartbreak and that's when things can get confusing and complicated for yourself. At that point once you are emotionally available he'll likely back away and then just leave you hanging to pick up the pieces. It's good for him because you are a bit closed off and protecting yourself a bit.

 

Unfortunately now you'll just go on your trip and be thinking of this guy. And then while you're gone he'll be sleeping with other women as I'm sure he isn't just sleeping with you, not even if he pursued you the way that he did, he's obviously trying to distract himself over his ex heartbreak and being aggressive. He needs the distraction and attention himself from you...anyone.

 

You'll come back and he'll come back into contact with you and try to get into the swing of things again, avoiding any real conversation or seriousness. Once you start trying to open him up and ask him questions that's when he'll likely pull away and tell you he isn't ready for a relationship.

 

If he by some chance would agree to being exclusive then he's a dependent guy who doesn't really want to get over his past relationship and just doesn't want to face it, he needs someone in his life to distract him from how he's feeling, however without expressing that to you. But he wouldn't be emotionally ready for it. I really don't see him going that route based on his actions and behavior though, I'm not reading that...he's charging into battle too easily, so that's a predictable behavior based on his history...I think he just sees his ex in you, you're the replacement.

[SJC2008]

lol is a kiss hello normal for a second date? We can have sex before the second time we meet but let's not get awkward and kiss hello! Unless you want a short term fling jump ship now, it's a rebound.

[lamaga]

I think it's very clear that he is not over his ex.

I don't usually do this, that's why I posted this story on here, so I would stop justifying whatever this is rebound thingy with him is.

The reason I got into this a week ago is that I thought he was really, really cute, and it just happened. I wasn't looking for it.

I guess that's when it starts to get dangerous.

[noble]

Hi,

I just wanted to comment and say that just because you both recently got out of a relationship doesn't necessarily make it a rebound. sometimes people meet someone they really genuinely like after a break up. for example, my boyfriend had a really awful 1.5 year relationship with his ex. they fought constantly. they broke up a few times during it, but i eventually met him two weeks after their last break up. after he met me, she tried to reconcile with him and he didn't want to. anyways, we've been together for 5 years and he's totally over their relationship. ive even encouraged him to reach out to her sometimes in a friendly manner but he isn't really interested. they talk maybe once a year, and she always asks if he's "still" with me.

so anyways, im not a rebound. i was the more suitable partner that he happened to meet pretty soon after a break up. so.. yeah.

[lamaga]

Hi,

I just wanted to comment and say that just because you both recently got out of a relationship doesn't necessarily make it a rebound. sometimes people meet someone they really genuinely like after a break up. for example, my boyfriend had a really awful 1.5 year relationship with his ex. they fought constantly. they broke up a few times during it, but i eventually met him two weeks after their last break up. after he met me, she tried to reconcile with him and he didn't want to. anyways, we've been together for 5 years and he's totally over their relationship. ive even encouraged him to reach out to her sometimes in a friendly manner but he isn't really interested. they talk maybe once a year, and she always asks if he's "still" with me.

so anyways, im not a rebound. i was the more suitable partner that he happened to meet pretty soon after a break up. so.. yeah.

 

 

Noble, thanks for these words.

I know, sometimes these things happen.

I know once I got broken up with really badly and I never got over the guy, not even after a year. I dated a few guys after, but never genuinely loved any of them and always thought of my ex still. Then I met this other guy who I totally fell in love with and that's the moment I forgot about my ex.

Unfortunately that guy left me last month, haha.

 

Anyway, I think rebounding can happen with many people, but I remember that something always felt wrong when I was rebounding. Something was MISSING. Something always feels off, and you're just not 100% in it, which makes it a rebound, I guess. I do feel 100% comfortable with him, and don't feel like anything is missing. But at the same time, I want to be careful, which I will be from now on, I guess.

[Cutiepie1976]

• Who ended the relationship matters.
  
• Whether the relationship crawled along on life support long after things were over, or whether the break came as an unexpected surprise to the person you're dating matters.
  

Unfortunately, the fact that it is a four-year relationship that ended two months ago, that his ex ended it, that he can't even discuss it, etc. suggest that the odds are overwhelmingly against you. The pace of your progression also is concerning. Your trip came at an opportune time. It forces both of you to reflect rather than reflexively filling an emotional void.

 

Good luck!

[KatZee]

Why do people start dating before they are over their ex???

 

I stay far away from people who recently got out of relationships that long.

I once dated a guy who was 8 months out of a 4 year relationship and who pursued me pretty hard in the beginning. He swore up and down he was over his ex. Yeah, he lied and his actions made it clear he wasnt. I dont touch these kind of men with a ten foot pole now.

 

Same here! I made the same mistake, getting into a relationship with a guy who was out of a SIX YEAR relationship. He brought all his baggage and cheated on me with his ex!

 

Ten foot pole? I won't even be in the same city as these guys now. Screw that!