lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I'm at that age (late twenties) where everyone is pairing off. Within the last couple years all of my coworkers, friends, and exes have gotten engaged/ married/ moved in together, while I've been in a series of relationships that have gone nowhere. I'm finding it increasingly difficult not to question what I am doing wrong, what I am missing that precludes men from wanting to put in effort, to try to make me happy, to commit. I have a good job, am fit, don't drink too much nowadays, and I think I can be pretty funny. Yet somehow I always find myself in relationships where the guys take me for granted. My last ex brought up valentines day by saying, "you don't believe in that siht, right?" A year later he proposed to someone else on that day. My current bf did not feel obligated to get me anything for my birthday (despite my shopping for his entire family for birthdays and holidays) and after 2 years together, does not think he's ready to move in. My roommate is moving in with her fiancé in a few months and to avoid another random Craigslist encounter I was forced to buy my own condo. Where ill live alone. I never thought my first home buying experience would be so lonely - no one to even look at places with me. I thought I'd be married with a house in the burbs by this point. I've never received flowers or jewelry from any boyfriend. In my current relationship, I don't hear I love you unless I say it first. I feel unloved and unloveable. What am I missing that inspires romance in men? 1
ls32ssibm Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 It sounds to me like you are dating the same type of a-hole guy, even if you don't realize it. Try re-evaluating your "type", seriously. 5
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 It sounds to me like you are dating the same type of a-hole guy, even if you don't realize it. Try re-evaluating your "type", seriously. But those same guys treat other women differently. 4
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Off the top of my head: Bad taste in men? Too picky? Give off the wrong vibe? I have a very good female friend in the same situation as you. She's pretty, sweet, and intelligent with a good job. BUT she has pretty big confidence issues and she constantly picks the wrong guys. Would you say you have any of these problems? Also, I wouldn't stress too much. Many women are single well into their 30s these days. I think it starts to become a problem if you hit 40 and are still single.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Sounds frustrating! Lucy, are you picking guys who want the same things out of life that you do from the outset? If not start there. Don't date someone hoping he'll come around eventually. He very well may, but he'll most likely want to do that with a different person when he does. Good luck!
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I truly don't think I pick bad guys. All these guys go on to be great boyfriends/ fiances/ husbands ... To other women. Typically right after I end it with them for treating me badly. There must be a vibe I give off that I am not looking for a serious, loving relationship, that I don't need to be treated like a proper gf. But I'm not sure what I'm doing to create this perception. I know from therapy that I have a hard time expressing my needs. But how do you tell someone you're pissed they didn't buy you a present? That sounds so petty, yet it hurts, it makes me feel like shti knowing he didn't think I deserved one. 1
ls32ssibm Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I truly don't think I pick bad guys. All these guys go on to be great boyfriends/ fiances/ husbands ... To other women. Typically right after I end it with them for treating me badly. There must be a vibe I give off that I am not looking for a serious, loving relationship, that I don't need to be treated like a proper gf. But I'm not sure what I'm doing to create this perception. I know from therapy that I have a hard time expressing my needs. But how do you tell someone you're pissed they didn't buy you a present? That sounds so petty, yet it hurts, it makes me feel like shti knowing he didn't think I deserved one. Judging by the fact you made this topic, you do and you think you do. You said yourself you're a catch and your friends have no problem finding a marriage-minded guy.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I agree that these are probably good guys since they go on to treat other women well. For whatever reason, and I don't mean this to be hurtful, they don't value you enough to make the effort. Hard to even take a guess at why without more details about your interactions and the dynamics in your relationships. So in the absence of specifics, I'll say focus on finding men who feel you're worth making the effort. That being said, you are doing the right thing to examine your role in eliciting/encouraging this lack of consideration. That is key. 1
iKING Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Don't give up hope. Everyone is lovable to somebody. It was plain cruel of these men to not get you something for your b-day especially since you were dating.. That's just bad. Take some time to work on you and you'll find someone. It's really not too late. You're still pretty young. I know women much older who are still on the dating scene lookin' for love.
StanMusial Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Its really hard to say on so little information. What kind of reputation do you have?
Neffer Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Its not you, you just have had a bad streak. It happens. Don't fret so much about where you are "supposed to be" by now. You are young, together and own a home - these are all good things. Half the people who seem to have things all locked down will be a mess, divorced etc in a few years. Life messes everyone up at some point or another. Just keep doing things to be who you want to be and everything will fall into place eventually. Don't worry about time frame. You need to meet better guys, that is for sure.
crude Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 One of the biggest reasons why women want marriage is because all their friends are married. That isn't love, just not wanting to be different than the others in your group. Why should a man commit to a woman who has no love, just desperation because she wants to be like everybody else? 1
venusianx13 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I truly don't think I pick bad guys. All these guys go on to be great boyfriends/ fiances/ husbands ... To other women. Typically right after I end it with them for treating me badly. There must be a vibe I give off that I am not looking for a serious, loving relationship, that I don't need to be treated like a proper gf. But I'm not sure what I'm doing to create this perception. I know from therapy that I have a hard time expressing my needs. But how do you tell someone you're pissed they didn't buy you a present? That sounds so petty, yet it hurts, it makes me feel like shti knowing he didn't think I deserved one. I had to seriously re-evaluate "my type". The types of guys I went for had certain things in common, looking back. Superficially, I liked a little bit of an "edge" on a guy, a little bit of "bad-boy" in him. The mistake I'd made all along was not doing a good enough job of examining their values from the get-go. Granted, there were times when guys were dishonest with me about certain things in order to get me interested, and the mistake I made at that point was to stick around even after the facade fell away. I nearly passed up my current boyfriend because I didn't think he was "my type." He is in no way a "bad boy". However, he was so respectful of me, was up front about his values (which we shared common ground on), and made me feel very special (still does), that I decided to keep things going and ended up falling for him. This is, by far, my best relationship ever and we are heading in the direction of marriage. (By the way, I'm 30, and like you, I've been in several dead-end relationships prior to this one). I'd advise you look back on all of your past boyfriends, your current one as well, and see what they all have in common, and if and how it's just not working for you. You may start to see a correlation. As for your boyfriend not buying you gifts, you are allowed to be disappointed, hurt, etc., and at that time, a brief statement about your feelings in addition to some distance is most appropriate. If he isn't ignorant, he'll take the hint, and either do something to change (i.e. do better) or it won't motivate him at all, in which case, you would probably do best to reconsider the relationship. 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 It's a complicated situation, and really to evaluate this correctly or accurately I should say....I'd pretty much have to meet you in person. In a nutshell there are certain qualities in particular women that make them unattractive as relationship partners. It may not be their looks (it can be though honestly but it's not always the problem), it may not be their job, or even their bodies. It's typically in their personality and attitude which throws off little signals in a mans mind whether he sees her as long-term potential or short-term potential, and men decide that very quickly. I can also tell you that women who do not have respect for themselves or tend to have low self-esteem are taken advantage of the most...why? because they can be, they allow themselves to be pushed around and don't know when to get out of a situation that is not good for them, nor do they have any standards for self-respect. Men like women with a bit of backbone and are able to function independently in a relationship. It's hard to give you examples as I'm sure from your perspective you are quite balanced, not smothering, tried to put your foot down here and there, but in the big picture it's more than likely you throwing a cup of water on a fire to put it out. The other problem with critiquing women who already have this kind of "luck" are going to be sensitive to it and it's going to make them feel once again "not good enough"....when that really isn't the point, the point is to explain to women how men "size you up" and determine long-term compatibility. You also have to realize men can be highly insecure and lack a lot of confidence, and often times they need a woman they can feel in control of as well. I've known women who were very confident and successful in their careers and pretty independent...unfortunately too independent and self-serving to make most men feel even adequate or needed...that is just an example...a man does appreciate somewhat of a damsel in distress...someone he feels he will be a necessity to, but also that he can realistically achieve or satisfy this woman, essentially "how much does she need me" (this more of a subconscious thought process for me, not something they may necessarily be aware of or even verbalize). Many men can fake confidence and have this kind of confidence that women enable them to have them because they let men know they'll tolerate a poor level of treatment and women can be punching bags, that is how a lot of men develop their "confidence" form the level of "abuse" or neglect a woman will take. However truly confident men will not have the same desire as that man as they would not feel benefited or rewarded from taking advantage of you or manipulating you...you have to realize that many men are functioning out of their comfort zone of control as they are not men with a lot of integrity or pride...something very foreign to most. Especially with expression, many men are quite cowardly. Overall I think you give off a certain vibe or impression...without realizing it because you are not a man...that you are not long-term material. You may possess some qualities or attributes that men do not like, respect or are interested in. This can be an array of things that are too wide to pinpoint, however from what you stated it seems like you just don't have a standard or expectation from your partner, you might just let them "call the shots" or take the initiative in a dating situation or relationship...women who voice their expectations or demand a level or standard of treatment tend to intrigue and compel a man into investing more...men to a degree want to be challenged, just not too much. You may be the typical woman that is the "giver" type, someone who invests too far and too easily into men and they just merely accept it, without reciprocation or any investment needed on their part. In that circumstance many men will just accept the hand-out or investment and just string you along until they have the courage or another option to move on from you. You simply just can't be the girl that gives a guy everything and come off insecure and desperate, men will just not respect that unless they just happen to really like you and fall for you..but even then, it's debatable whether he'd be encouraged to do more than he has to in a relationship, since you do all the work. You also likely date unavailable men and invest in things that really don't have any potential. So you're choosing the wrong men emotionally, but that's likely because you've got issues of your own and you are drawn to a personality type and distanced man because they make you feel more comfortable in their approach, it's more inviting for you. So in the end, unfortunately this has more to do with you than men...hopefully you can see that. 5
xpaperxcutx Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 You say you have a problem expressing your needs. If that is the case, then I can imagine why many of your exes don't treat you the way you want to be treated. Take for example, your boyfriends not getting your a birthday present. Why have you never voiced your opinions to your SOs about getting something? It seems like you rather settle for what they want out of a relationship and you overlooked what you want. Being able to voice your needs and your feelings is a reflection of your personal self-esteem and the way you feel about yourself. If you have an issue or you disagree with something, then you should always be willing to talk about it. At the same time, while it's important to get your point across, you should go about it in a way that's not nagging. Most men appreciate it when you can speak for yourself, otherwise, if they feel they can step all over you like a doormat, they can lose respect for you. Furthermore, don't compare your relatipnships with your friends. Everybody is different and every relationships progress and develop differently.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You may be the typical woman that is the "giver" type, someone who invests too far and too easily into men and they just merely accept it, without reciprocation or any investment needed on their part. In that circumstance many men will just accept the hand-out or investment and just string you along until they have the courage or another option to move on from you. You simply just can't be the girl that gives a guy everything and come off insecure and desperate, men will just not respect that unless they just happen to really like you and fall for you..but even then, it's debatable whether he'd be encouraged to do more than he has to in a relationship, since you do all the work. You also likely date unavailable men and invest in things that really don't have any potential. So you're choosing the wrong men emotionally, but that's likely because you've got issues of your own and you are drawn to a personality type and distanced man because they make you feel more comfortable in their approach, it's more inviting for you. So in the end, unfortunately this has more to do with you than men...hopefully you can see that. Thanks, insightful post. I do believe the issue is with me and not the guys I date. Two of the possibilities you mentioned ring true. First, I am very independent, as well as unwilling to ask for any kind of help from anyone. I can imagine that this could eliminate a mans desire to feel "needed", lessening the attraction. Along the same lines, I am also most definitely a giver. I don't know that I invest "too much" because there is always a part of me that holds back, but I don't feel comfortable being on the receiving end of a relationship. I realize that's hypocritical give that that's exactly what I'm complaining about, but explicitly or implicitly, I probably let it be known that I expect, if not demand, no investment. Its still disappointing, though, to be in this position, feeling like I got a raw deal. 2
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You say you have a problem expressing your needs. If that is the case, then I can imagine why many of your exes don't treat you the way you want to be treated. Take for example, your boyfriends not getting your a birthday present. Why have you never voiced your opinions to your SOs about getting something? It seems like you rather settle for what they want out of a relationship and you overlooked what you want. Being able to voice your needs and your feelings is a reflection of your personal self-esteem and the way you feel about yourself. If you have an issue or you disagree with something, then you should always be willing to talk about it. At the same time, while it's important to get your point across, you should go about it in a way that's not nagging. Most men appreciate it when you can speak for yourself, otherwise, if they feel they can step all over you like a doormat, they can lose respect for you. Furthermore, don't compare your relatipnships with your friends. Everybody is different and every relationships progress and develop differently. Thanks, great post. It's hard to get into these healthy habits, though. I've been avoiding my boyfriend for the last week since my birthday because I am so full of resentment that I don't know how to express. I am hurt that: 1. He does not talk like me loves me 2. The birthday present situation. Though to be fair, he did take me out to dinner... Perhaps i am being childish to expect a gift as well? 3. After 2 years there has been no talk of future, and he won't even commit to moving in Is this even worth bringing up, or is the writing on the wall? Do I need to move on?
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) ...I don't feel comfortable being on the receiving end of a relationship. I realize that's hypocritical give that that's exactly what I'm complaining about, but explicitly or implicitly, I probably let it be known that I expect, if not demand, no investment. Its still disappointing, though, to be in this position, feeling like I got a raw deal. Sooo...why are you sad and disappointed that guys don't bother after you make it clear that it's unwanted and discomfiting to you, but they resume their behavior with subsequent girlfriends who do indeed enjoy the attention and effort? Why does it feel like I'm missing something? ETA: You seem to be your own worst enemy in some ways. Why is that, do you think? Edited March 15, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Lauriebell82 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 It really may be the dynamic you give off in a relationship. Pretty, smart, funny...yeah those are all good qualities. However, I have learned that it isn't enough to be all those things. You have to have a combination of "relationship smarts." Meaning, how you act in a relationship. So in short, yes it is something you are doing. A) You can't be too needy. Meaning, you have to let the guy do a little guessing. If you put it all out there, then what does he have to look forward to? Nothing. B) You can't be too distant. Assert your caring nature, let guys how passionate and loving you are. But not over the top. Just the perfect amount. C) Have confidence in yourself. If you don't like yourself, then why would you expect a man too? D) Don't try to pull them back in if they are becoming distant. It will only turn them off more and push them away. I think you should lose your boyfriend. He isn't into you, and if you keep pulling it will just turn him off more. Let him go. NOW. Try something different in the next relationship. Be confident, show that you are caring, but not needy. Make your feelings known, that you are into him, but also live your own life. I have a feeling that it IS something you are doing. I never had trouble keeping a guy. Or having a guy say how much he cared about me. The relationship didn't work because we weren't right for each other, and our personalities didn't mesh. Not because he "wasn't that into me." I also didn't like myself, so I set my standards too low and actually DID date losers. It wasn't until I felt better about myself, that I was able to meet a great guy (my husband) who is not a loser. He is a good man and loves me more then anything in the whole world. But I wouldn't have found him had I not changed my attitude.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Sooo...why are you sad and disappointed that guys don't bother after you make it clear that it's unwanted and discomfiting to you, but they resume their behavior with subsequent girlfriends who do indeed enjoy the attention and effort? Why does it feel like I'm missing something? ETA: You seem to be your own worst enemy in some ways. Why is that, do you think? I'm not sure why I'm the way I am. For a long time I don't think I was truly emotionally available after some past trauma and acting accordingly, to ensure I kept men at a distance. These days I do feel ready to be in a serious relationship but I am probably more scared than average to be truly hurt.
tbf Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Some women can be too low maintenance, too accommodating, never asserting their wants and needs.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Lb, thanks for the feedback. I know being "good on paper" is not enough, that is not even what men are looking for. I learned young not to be needy so I don't think that is my problem. I think I just suck at emotional intimacy and that prevents men from falling in love and wanting to treat me accordingly.
ltjg45 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 What am I missing that inspires romance in men? Nothing. Society is not promoting marriage of any kind. Most people who do get married ended up regretting it at the end. Not to mention males is not into marriage as much as women thinks they are due to divorce laws being severely against them, regardless of who starts it so that is scaring some that would consider marriage. I'm one of them. While I hasn't dropped the idea of marriage from me, I have gotten a lot more picky because I want to make sure that my 1st marriage ends up a successful one and, frankly, a good number of women that I could go for is not capable of that, in my opinion. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I starting to wonder if you were going to buy into the "it's not you" thing when I first started reading this thread. One thing is clear, as you know, that you're the common denominator in the past and present relationships, so look carefully at what you're doing or not doing. But ALSO know that you have little or no control over how others feel...not in the end anyway. I have agree with ltjg45, I was a romantic and firmly determined to remarry, but i'm beginning to rethink that. Marriage has become far too complicated and litigiously-tainted. But haven't entirely given up on it. Like itjg45, I am EXTREMELY careful and picky about who I date and the potential that I see for a LTR early on.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Thanks, great post. It's hard to get into these healthy habits, though. I've been avoiding my boyfriend for the last week since my birthday because I am so full of resentment that I don't know how to express. I am hurt that: 1. He does not talk like me loves me 2. The birthday present situation. Though to be fair, he did take me out to dinner... Perhaps i am being childish to expect a gift as well? 3. After 2 years there has been no talk of future, and he won't even commit to moving in Is this even worth bringing up, or is the writing on the wall? Do I need to move on? I feel like this shows that you project neediness into a relationship. You have put up with this for two years, and are still sticking around (even considering talking to him about it!) despite the fact that he didn't buy you a birthday present, hasn't talked about a future, and acts like he doesn't love you. If you weren't needy and actually PUSH guys away, as you have said, then I feel like you would have been gone a long time ago.
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