Had an Ephipany..I think I was left for someone else

[RiceaRoni]

If anyone has read my post about my break up 'First Time Dumpee', the other day I was thinking about the month before our break and one month after..I have a feeling he left me for the girl he's with now.

 

After he broke up with me he waited about 3-4 weeks to get with her and 5 months later they are still together.

 

I know she cheated emotionally on her ex, and as for him a friend of mine told me he met her around the time nearing our break up.

 

I feel like she left her ex for him and he left me for her...

 

I know it shouldn't matter anymore..since it's been about 5/6 months, but it was just a thought and I couldn't understand how he moved on so fast.

 

And sadly I still have feelings for him...even though I don't want to...everyday I try to remind myself of all the horrible things he did to me to help me get over him, but in the end..I end up missing him, and despise the fact he can love someone else and plan a future with her so quickly and easily..the same goes for her (marriage, children, etc.) (and they're only 15/16 years old)....it bothers me...and then i wonder if he ever loved me at all

[RiceaRoni]

And I also try to remind myself everything Tara has told me lol...that their frontal lobes aren't meeting yet, etc...

 

It's just hard...

[Thunderchild]

It's very possible that you were dumped for hinm to be with someone else. I have a similar suspicion of my current ex. She told me in mid-February that she had cheated at Xmas, and ".........that we had no future." I can't confirm if she is in a new relationship - I don't really care - but, the two month gap is highly suspicious.

[Coping Vortex]

If anyone has read my post about my break up 'First Time Dumpee', the other day I was thinking about the month before our break and one month after..I have a feeling he left me for the girl he's with now.

 

After he broke up with me he waited about 3-4 weeks to get with her and 5 months later they are still together.

 

I know she cheated emotionally on her ex, and as for him a friend of mine told me he met her around the time nearing our break up.

 

I feel like she left her ex for him and he left me for her...

 

I know it shouldn't matter anymore..since it's been about 5/6 months, but it was just a thought and I couldn't understand how he moved on so fast.

 

And sadly I still have feelings for him...even though I don't want to...everyday I try to remind myself of all the horrible things he did to me to help me get over him, but in the end..I end up missing him, and despise the fact he can love someone else and plan a future with her so quickly and easily..the same goes for her (marriage, children, etc.) (and they're only 15/16 years old)....it bothers me...and then i wonder if he ever loved me at all

 

I had the same revelation. My ex told me she met her new guy two weeks after the bu. I suspect now she was talking to him before. She admitted later she knew the guy from her home town and hadn't spoken to him in awhile. She went from meeting a new guy to already knowing this guy.

[RiceaRoni]

If what I suspect is true...I feel so stupid...how could I have not noticed? And I feel so hurt and like I've been slapped in the face. He doesn't even care about me anymore, and he became upset when I was trying to move on saying that I never cared for him and that it hurt that I ignored him, and that made me so confused because I thought it was what he wanted from me...he would always tell me to leave him alone and he even told me to move on, etc...

 

Whatever...what's done is done. And if he did in fact leave me for her then he doesn't deserve me. He can't even face me when I do see him in person, and his new gf is only with him out of fear of being alone...infatuation and lust.

 

I just wish I would meet someone new already lol to get over his ass, and to find the right guy

[RiceaRoni]

I had the same revelation. My ex told me she met her new guy two weeks after the bu. I suspect now she was talking to him before. She admitted later she knew the guy from her home town and hadn't spoken to him in awhile. She went from meeting a new guy to already knowing this guy.

 

I'm sorry :/ it's a sign we both deserve a hell of a lot better

[RiceaRoni]

It's very possible that you were dumped for hinm to be with someone else. I have a similar suspicion of my current ex. She told me in mid-February that she had cheated at Xmas, and ".........that we had no future." I can't confirm if she is in a new relationship - I don't really care - but, the two month gap is highly suspicious.

 

 

It sounds suspicious...and I guess in the end we won't ever really know..unless they want to tell us, and we shouldn't care anymore. They aren't with us anymore so it's time to find someone who would move mountains to be with us we deserve better

[js1967]

i have been haunted with the same suspicions myself with my ex of 3 years.

 

The frustrating part is....I am trying to start...yet again and stay firm to NO CONTACT.

 

I would be driven insane at this early stage to find out she was with somebody else.

 

I have taken great lengths to avoid any of her friends, Im defended her and everyone we share as friends on facebook just by chance of seeing a hint to it.

 

Its tough. My break up sucks bigtime. But knowing there is another man and possible that interest in another man lead to or contributed to our break up. WOW! that would sting.

 

Im personally trying to stick my head in the sand on this whole issue.

[hello1990]

Very few people continue in relationships without even basically assessing the possibility of others and many people when leaving a relationship have an idea exactly who their next mate will be (without even the slightest interest in healing for a few months).

 

As much as it bloody sucks and makes you mad, its extremely common. I see it as almost the rule that they leave you for someone else now.

 

Try and not focus on the negative, but be thankful that they atleast left you for them, without actually stringing you along while cheating. Thats the real crime.

[hello1990]

Its tough. My break up sucks bigtime. But knowing there is another man and possible that interest in another man lead to or contributed to our break up. WOW! that would sting.

 

Im personally trying to stick my head in the sand on this whole issue.

 

It really sucks, but that is the best option. If you don't know then you can continue on in your delusion that she is missing you for as long as you need to heal. The second you do some snooping and find out for sure they are seeing someone else there is no turning back.

[RiceaRoni]

Very few people continue in relationships without even basically assessing the possibility of others and many people when leaving a relationship have an idea exactly who their next mate will be (without even the slightest interest in healing for a few months).

 

As much as it bloody sucks and makes you mad, its extremely common. I see it as almost the rule that they leave you for someone else now.

 

Try and not focus on the negative, but be thankful that they atleast left you for them, without actually stringing you along while cheating. Thats the real crime.

 

 

Do people who usually leave you for another end up regretting at all? Or feeling any remorse?

[Minneloa]

Do people who usually leave you for another end up regretting at all? Or feeling any remorse?

 

RR,

 

For your own sake, please stop obsessing over these hypothetical questions! (I say that out of concern, not to be a jerk.) You know what you need to know. You know enough.

 

I urge you to take your anger, which is healthy, about how your ex treated you and use it as momentum to move forward.

 

Onward, chica, onward!

 

M.

[hello1990]

Do people who usually leave you for another end up regretting at all? Or feeling any remorse?

 

Hard to say.

 

Excluding my most recent ex the last 3 girls I was with prior to her were with another guy within a few weeks of us breaking up. One of those was a long term relationship.

 

In the months following them moving on to the other guy when we ran into eachother they would often show extreme interest in me and you could see their emotions wern't settled, one particular, but I think all 3 of them had the rebound be a long term thing.

 

And if you assess all my 5 major relationships in my life, i'm pretty sure even the ones who didn't get into a relationship atleast had a guy almost instantly to have sex with etc.

 

So like ive said, its just a real common part of breaking up that Ive come to terms with. If they regretted it i'm not really sure. We've never touched on the topic. I know that in one particular that I wasn't with for very long (3 months?) when I run into her and the guy she rebounded from me with he will not say a word to me while shes extremely chatty. What went on between them I dunno. Thats the only sense of regret ive seen.

[hello1990]

RR, one thing I can tell you is that a person that feels the need to relationship hop (i'm talking days and weeks here, I think a few months is usually plenty of time to be ready to move on, but I mean the ones who have someone else a WEEK later and stuff like that) usually have internal problems with self esteem and self worth so that they cannot be alone simply out of self neglect.

[RiceaRoni]

RR, one thing I can tell you is that a person that feels the need to relationship hop (i'm talking days and weeks here, I think a few months is usually plenty of time to be ready to move on, but I mean the ones who have someone else a WEEK later and stuff like that) usually have internal problems with self esteem and self worth so that they cannot be alone simply out of self neglect.

 

Then I guess they both have self esteem issues lol. She got with him a day after she left her SO and he waited 3-4 weeks after our break.

[hello1990]

Then I guess they both have self esteem issues lol. She got with him a day after she left her SO and he waited 3-4 weeks after our break.

Its very common, self esteem issues.

 

Im just saying, don't be jealous of them, just see it as the way they are. Life is hard sometimes.

 

Personally right now another person in my life is the last thing I feel i'm ready for. I need more time to heal, but thats just me, i'm ok with being single.

[RiceaRoni]

RR,

 

For your own sake, please stop obsessing over these hypothetical questions! (I say that out of concern, not to be a jerk.) You know what you need to know. You know enough.

 

I urge you to take your anger, which is healthy, about how your ex treated you and use it as momentum to move forward.

 

Onward, chica, onward!

 

M.

 

 

I know..sorry M x/

 

Some days I feel so good about myself. I think "Psh I don't need him. I can do sooooo much better and I WILL"

 

And then of course there are days where I feel terrible and I miss him. Even though I know why we shouldn't be together and that I need to move on. I think I just feel so betrayed...and rejected. Feelings I have NEVER felt before.

 

But thank you M your encouragement helps a lot and you defienetly aren't being a jerk haha. Sometimes I need a good kick.

[RiceaRoni]

Its very common, self esteem issues.

 

Im just saying, don't be jealous of them, just see it as the way they are. Life is hard sometimes.

 

Personally right now another person in my life is the last thing I feel i'm ready for. I need more time to heal, but thats just me, i'm ok with being single.

 

It is common....at first I had no self esteem issues at all, but once he and I got together I think I slowly became insecure. Scared he was going to leave me, and in the end he did. Now I have a brushing to my self esteem, but it doesn't mean I want to get with someone new. I'm waiting. Because I feel like it's the right thing to do. To be happy first and then find someone new. I don't see how they were to jump into something new together, but as a friend told me. Some people are like that, and have to get under someone in order to get over someone

[hello1990]

RR, not to be rude by this in the slightest. I had a look through your posts and I had no idea that you were only 18 and he was only 16.

 

You write very well for your age, I assumed you'd be into your 20's.

 

Now let me say one thing is for sure, if this is a guy who is under 18, he has no idea what on earth he is doing. Most people in their teens are usually an emotionally wreck of insecurity, uncertainty, self doubt, self hatred, anger, fear, etc etc. They also have no idea what they want at all. They will change their mind on what is important to them quicker than most people change clothing.

 

What im saying is you are clearly an intelligent girl, you are advanced for your age based on how you write and you are clearly very loving and empathetic. But a word to the wise, don't expect anyone your age to be anything like that. People your age will date you, say they love you and how serious they are about you and then just dump you the next day without any warning. The unfortunate reality is that they are not in control of their own emotions.

 

Another thing that you don't develop until your early 20's is a sense of selflessness, the younger you are the typically more selfish you are. Its just how it is, you see particularly people in their mid teens with little to no understanding of anything but themselves.

 

So I guess what im saying is now I understand his age I can understand his behavior far better. Don't expect that much from a young relationship.

 

I think ultimately since he dumped you you took a pretty big self esteem hit, you sound like a very intelligent person, trust me, you can and will do better.

[js1967]

im not trying to hijack your thread..

 

with the blindsideness in the way I was dumped...and after asking honestly if there was somebody else, and told flat out no there wasnt. And she never lied to me before to my knowledge.

 

Finding out my suspension may be right would triple the pain of a break up, being lied to, and knowing she was with somebody else while I was and still am a wreck.

 

I fight everyday from simply calling one of her friends and asking.

 

Thanks Hello1990 for the no turning back comment...You may have saved me some anguish...because I was just about to start that crusade for some reason.

 

Again, my apologies for jumping on your topic with my own issues.

[Minneloa]

RR,

 

No apology necessary! Just a little "tough love" from a fellow overthinker.

 

M.

[hello1990]

RR,

 

No apology necessary! Just a little "tough love" from a fellow overthinker.

 

M.

 

Your ex being with someone else always hurts, but the pain can in many ways help you move on.

 

I think whats most important is even if they were a **** of a person to you to forgive them and rise above it.

 

Don't sit there looking for excuses to be mad at them, just accept "They done what they needed to do at this point in their life to make themselves happy" be happy for them and move on with things.

[RiceaRoni]

RR, not to be rude by this in the slightest. I had a look through your posts and I had no idea that you were only 18 and he was only 16.

 

You write very well for your age, I assumed you'd be into your 20's.

 

Now let me say one thing is for sure, if this is a guy who is under 18, he has no idea what on earth he is doing. Most people in their teens are usually an emotionally wreck of insecurity, uncertainty, self doubt, self hatred, anger, fear, etc etc. They also have no idea what they want at all. They will change their mind on what is important to them quicker than most people change clothing.

 

What im saying is you are clearly an intelligent girl, you are advanced for your age based on how you write and you are clearly very loving and empathetic. But a word to the wise, don't expect anyone your age to be anything like that. People your age will date you, say they love you and how serious they are about you and then just dump you the next day without any warning. The unfortunate reality is that they are not in control of their own emotions.

 

Another thing that you don't develop until your early 20's is a sense of selflessness, the younger you are the typically more selfish you are. Its just how it is, you see particularly people in their mid teens with little to no understanding of anything but themselves.

 

So I guess what im saying is now I understand his age I can understand his behavior far better. Don't expect that much from a young relationship.

 

I think ultimately since he dumped you you took a pretty big self esteem hit, you sound like a very intelligent person, trust me, you can and will do better.

 

 

"emotionally wreck of insecurity, uncertainty, self doubt, self hatred, anger, fear, etc etc. They also have no idea what they want at all. They will change their mind on what is important to them quicker than most people change clothing."

 

This sounds like him..and his new beau.

 

And at times, it sounds like me.

 

I do understand that people my age or close to it are like this...I just never imagined he would be, but of course I may have just expected too much from him.

 

And you were not being rude at all haha. It was actually quite flattering.

 

I know I will and can do better. Sometimes I wish my feelings for him would just disappear, but I realize things like this take time to get over.

[hello1990]

"emotionally wreck of insecurity, uncertainty, self doubt, self hatred, anger, fear, etc etc. They also have no idea what they want at all. They will change their mind on what is important to them quicker than most people change clothing."

 

This sounds like him..and his new beau.

 

And at times, it sounds like me.

 

I do understand that people my age or close to it are like this...I just never imagined he would be, but of course I may have just expected too much from him.

 

And you were not being rude at all haha. It was actually quite flattering.

 

I know I will and can do better. Sometimes I wish my feelings for him would just disappear, but I realize things like this take time to get over.

 

I'm in my 20's and I think to an extent we're all like that, so if you can relate to some common personality traits I mentioned don't worry.. its normal.

 

Another thing, maybe you should look at older guys. I don't mean really old, I mean 20 or low 20's. You seem a bit more grown up than most people your age and dating someone younger would just exaggerate it.

 

Also, just know that your pain, your feelings of anger, remorse, longing etc are all completely normal. But also try and disconnect between the rationality of the situation and what your hormones are telling you. The guy treated you bad, its over, you should stop thinking about him. But remember, most of our personality traits are evolutionary traits. Back in the wild the animals that survived are the ones that banded with other animals and worked as a team, therefore those animals survived, bred, raised kids and the kids had those traits in them. The creatures that were more 'lone wolf' became extinct, and their evolutionary path ended, so in many ways we as we are are the product of hundreds of millions of years of evolution so that our animal minds will give us literal physical pain to keep us with our partner, for our own good. It is not something we can control, its as automatic as the desire for sleep.

 

Why am I telling you all this? Its because at your age its probably your first big breakup, and it hurts, it hurts bad. You feel down and you have all these feelings for longing and desire attacking you from every which direction and they make you want to go back to your partner, because that is how we as humans and the creatures we were before humans came to be, its how they survived and we can't throw away those aspects of ourself. But unlike animals humans also have the logical part of our brains that we can use to override the emotions, not always, and it doesn't always work, but just recognize that the feelings you feel of anger, jealousy, betrayal, longing etc they don't matter. All that matters is you are done with this guy, and thats whats happening. The rest is just pointless.

[na49]

Don't be silly. They're 15/16 years old. There's a very low chance they'll get married and live happily ever after. There was a low chance of you and him getting married and living happily ever after. You're still young. People change. I saw it first hand with my ex when we started college.

 

You can still love him. Of course you don't want to, but there's nothing wrong with it. I just wrote this in another thread, but I love this quote.

 

"Dumpers end the relationship. Dumpees have the relationship ended for them"

 

He doesn't love you anymore and ends it. You still love him, but there's nothing you can do about it.