Will it ever end???

[wanting more]

I've been away from the board for a little bit, going thru a very close family member who's having life threatening issues right now.

 

If you remember, I left xMM a voicemail at work that he is to never call me again or I'd get a restraining order. (after he had left me 2 messages on My work phone after 6 months of NC saying the same old bs, I love you, I miss you)

 

Well I was doing something with one of my kids earlier and I get a voicemail from xMM BW saying how she saw my phone # on his phone records and blaming me for trying to get xMM involved with me again. Once again I'm the whore, trash, bi*ch pathetic seductress who just can't leave her husband alone.

 

I apologized to her, I sent her proof she couldn't deny almost 6 months ago. I stayed away!!!!!! But its just not ending. I dont know how to deal with this with everything else going on.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't know much about restraining orders but maybe you can get one for both of them.

[whichwayisup]

I've been away from the board for a little bit, going thru a very close family member who's having life threatening issues right now.

 

If you remember, I left xMM a voicemail at work that he is to never call me again or I'd get a restraining order. (after he had left me 2 messages on My work phone after 6 months of NC saying the same old bs, I love you, I miss you)

 

Well I was doing something with one of my kids earlier and I get a voicemail from xMM BW saying how she saw my phone # on his phone records and blaming me for trying to get xMM involved with me again. Once again I'm the whore, trash, bi*ch pathetic seductress who just can't leave her husband alone.

 

I apologized to her, I sent her proof she couldn't deny almost 6 months ago. I stayed away!!!!!! But its just not ending. I dont know how to deal with this with everything else going on.

 

Did you tell her you told him to leave you alone and if he contacted you again you were going to put an RO out on him? And he has called you again? Tell her you've had enough, you're going on with your life, you're remorseful for all that happened but it is HIM who won't let go. There isn't much more you can do than that. Unfortunately for her, her husband is showing her by contacting you he isn't really remorseful for all that he's done to her, even more so that he keeps bugging you.

[LadyGrey]

Forward those voice mails to her wanting more, with a message to her that your only response was "exactly what you told us you said to him) then tell her that you do not ever want to hear from either one of them again, or you will consider it harassment.

 

The voice mails should prove without a shadow who did what, then let it go. If she doesn't believe it, it's not on you. You are not responsible for or liable for her anger at you now.

[veryhappy]

You need to be defending yourself. Enough with the apologies and being nice to this woman who continues to call you all the names. Make her listen to the d*** voice messages and tell her that you don't want to hear from either of them again. If you are all delicate flower she'll continue to step all over you, and he won't stop because she obviosly buys his bs about you being the one who seduced poor him.

[ComingInHot]

But at this point WantingMore shouldn't have to be defending herself.!!

She should be moving on and exmm keeps pulling her down only to have the angry BS kick her...

 

Wanting, it may be time to have a lawyer draft a cease letter to BOTH of them stating an RO comes next.

 

I don't give a rat's nuggets at this point about your ex M couple (even if I can see the W's angst)!! You, at this point, are no longer a part of their lives and I'm angry for you that THEY can't bare the thought of you moving on w/your life to be happy.

 

...CIH waiving hands and stomping back & forth for emphasis...

[Pierre]

I've been away from the board for a little bit, going thru a very close family member who's having life threatening issues right now.

 

If you remember, I left xMM a voicemail at work that he is to never call me again or I'd get a restraining order. (after he had left me 2 messages on My work phone after 6 months of NC saying the same old bs, I love you, I miss you)

 

Well I was doing something with one of my kids earlier and I get a voicemail from xMM BW saying how she saw my phone # on his phone records and blaming me for trying to get xMM involved with me again. Once again I'm the whore, trash, bi*ch pathetic seductress who just can't leave her husband alone.

 

I apologized to her, I sent her proof she couldn't deny almost 6 months ago. I stayed away!!!!!! But its just not ending. I dont know how to deal with this with everything else going on.

 

That is the down side of having intercourse with a married man. You will be label as above. Sent her proof this guy is after you. There was no need for you to call this man.

[Got it]

That is the down side of having intercourse with a married man. You will be label as above. Sent her proof this guy is after you. There was no need for you to call this man.

 

I disagree if she called him to let him know not to contact. You cannot get a restraining order if you haven't laid the proper foundation and since there is no fear of physical violence she has to show that she has at least said once to stop contacting her.

 

So at this point, I agree with others, you owe neither anything and consider going the legal route. You are not there to be his security blanket and her whipping boy. That stool needs to learn to stand with just the two of them.

[Pierre]

I disagree if she called him to let him know not to contact. You cannot get a restraining order if you haven't laid the proper foundation and since there is no fear of physical violence she has to show that she has at least said once to stop contacting her.

 

So at this point, I agree with others, you owe neither anything and consider going the legal route. You are not there to be his security blanket and her whipping boy. That stool needs to learn to stand with just the two of them.

 

I agree with this post 100%.

 

The only downside is that she will have to tell the judge why she does not want the BW to call her names.

 

It is probably best to ignore them.

[Got it]

I agree with this post 100%.

 

The only downside is that she will have to tell the judge why she does not want the BW to call her names.

 

It is probably best to ignore them.

 

Not all restraining orders go to a judge. So yes she would need to tell the officer she is filing the complaint with the details. But most cops here crazy(ier) stories every day. I doubt this will be a major impact on their day.

 

Ignoring is proving to do nothing for her especially in regards to him. Showing someone that you will take legal action will USUALLY cause them to rock back on their heels and think before acting.

 

You know Pierre, not everyone is worried about telling their story. It isn't a deep dark secret that they are afraid of expressing especially in times like the OP is dealing with. If telling is the consequence to getting them to stop (and dealing with any potential rub on the old ego) I think that is a minor price to pay. But this is obviously just my opinion.

[wanting more]

Not all restraining orders go to a judge. So yes she would need to tell the officer she is filing the complaint with the details. But most cops here crazy(ier) stories every day. I doubt this will be a major impact on their day.

 

Ignoring is proving to do nothing for her especially in regards to him. Showing someone that you will take legal action will USUALLY cause them to rock back on their heels and think before acting.

 

You know Pierre, not everyone is worried about telling their story. It isn't a deep dark secret that they are afraid of expressing especially in times like the OP is dealing with. If telling is the consequence to getting them to stop (and dealing with any potential rub on the old ego) I think that is a minor price to pay. But this is obviously just my opinion.

 

 

I like your opinion

[Got it]

I like your opinion

 

Gracias.

 

Wanting, you do have rights and they are overstepping yours. You can do something about it, do nothing and hope with NC that things will die down, or engage with them directly. Engaging will most likely add more fuel to the fire. Going NC may end things but could be a longer period as the boundary will continue to be tested until he/she peters out. Or take legal action; it may cause a reaction on their part as it is some sort of reaction to them, but it does lay the foundation legally to prosecute if it is not heeded. It is laying a boundary down with third party reinforcement.

 

She is obviously more reactionary so she is only engaging after he is. As bad as that is, she is obviously venting on you because of her vulnerability with him. It doesn't stop you from putting boundaries in place but it does seem that if he stops, she stops.

 

He is the source of the issues (as if you didn't know that ) and the engager. Shut him down, you shut down the whole problem.

[Got it]

CHI, I'm really surprised at this.

 

OP, I feel for you. You're trying to do the right thing and keep getting slapped for it.

 

However....

 

The BS saw the phone number. Probably next was attacking her husband with questions: "WHY IS SHE CALLING YOU???" "ARE YOU F**KING HER AGAIN" "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL AT IT.." etc etc.

 

This man, who clearly is still very much a liar and a would-be cheat, said "I have no idea why she's calling me. I didn't answer. Just let it go." and prayed like hell the wife would. But the wife didn't. So he kept insisting that he had no idea why you would call him.

 

So now, the BS, enraged, calls you because to her you are once again trying to contact her H. It isn't true, but do you think MM told his wife this? No way!!

 

wanting more, I know this isn't what you want to do, but you might consider telling his wife that he called you and left those messages, and that all you did was inform him to leave you alone. She's convinced right now that it was you that initiated communication, or at least tried to.

 

This is why I'm always in favor of telling the BS if xMM tries to get back in touch. The BS has only one side to listen to, and it's the dishonest side. The MM isn't telling her the truth obviously. Let her know what he's doing. She'll leave you alone and also see the light (maybe?)

 

She's doing this because she's terrified that you and her H will start back up. Seeing your number sent her back to DDay in her head. Now, what happened just now isn't your fault. You very much did the right thing telling her H to stay away from you. But remember, it was the A that set this woman up to be this 'at the ready' to go off the deep end. Maybe help her just a little by telling her the truth? After you tell her, you can let her know that if either of them contact you again you'll be taking legal action and that you want all of this behind you.

 

You certainly owe her nothing at this point. Her H is the one keeping any of this alive. You don't need to tell her if you choose not to, obviously.

 

I just wanted to help people maybe see where she is coming from and why she's so upset. Yes, she's angry at the wrong person, but I'd bet anything that she has been led to believe otherwise.

 

And CIH, as a BS you should understand this. I'm behind wanting more too, but I can see why the BS is flying off the handle.

 

If she is checking phone records, out going calls as important and so that would show her who the aggressor is. I would assume she would want to know who is continuing the engaging? Maybe she doesn't feel that she can control him, so if she can control/scare/suppress/insert appropriate word, that will control him?

[Pierre]

The BS saw the phone number. Probably next was attacking her husband with questions: "WHY IS SHE CALLING YOU???" "ARE YOU F**KING HER AGAIN" "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL AT IT.." etc etc.

 

This man, who clearly is still very much a liar and a would-be cheat, said "I have no idea why she's calling me. I didn't answer. Just let it go." and prayed like hell the wife would. But the wife didn't. So he kept insisting that he had no idea why you would call him.

 

So now, the BS, enraged, calls you because to her you are once again trying to contact her H. It isn't true, but do you think MM told his wife this? No way!!

 

 

It would not surprised me one bit if the BW runs to the court and petitions a RO against the OW. So perhaps the poster should go to the court and beat her to the punch.

 

And it is true, sometimes the RO is nothing more than filling out a form at the courthouse in front of a clerk so revealing the EMR in this manner is not that embarrassing.

[2sunny]

Have you blocked all forms of him contacting you?

 

If not, why not?

[Pierre]

.

Really? It would surprise the hell out of me. It may not be a big deal for OW to tell her tale should the need arise, but do you think for a second this BS wants to walk into the courthouse and say "Can I have a restraining order? My H was having sex with this woman, and I can't make it stop, so can you?"

 

Besides, one phone call won't even get a restraining order. One phone call in 6 months is not harrassment.

 

"Can I have a restraining order? My H was having sex with this woman, and I can't make it stop, so can you?"

 

 

That may be less embarrassing that having to say:

 

I was having intercourse with this married guy and now his wife is giving me hell.:laugh::laugh:

[Got it]

He most likely called from work so the BS couldn't check the phone records. I'm sure he knows he's being checked up on and would be careful. What he can't control is where wanting more responds.

 

I'm not her, but I can put myself in her shoes. She does want to know who the aggressor is. I'm certain she has no clue that MM called first. If she did she most likely wouldn't have called wanting more, because then MM would have told her that yes, he did try to contact AP, but AP called back saying "leave me alone". That doesn't seem to be the case. I'd be all she's seeing is one call - the return call from wantingmore.

 

Right now she can't control anything, and that is a very scary position to be in. This is her life, her marriage, and she cannot control it or even believe she is privy to all of the activity in it. She wants to know the A is over. Seeing the # on the bill sent her reeling. So much so that she called AP and flew off the handle. She's terrified.

 

We can all sit here and judge her. That's easy. We can say "well if it's that bad she should leave" or "she should have more control over herself" or "what her H does is her problem". Like I said, easy. What's less easy is remembering that she never asked to be like this. She never asked to feel so insecure and scared that everything she loves is so fragile and at risk. She never wanted to live with such mistrust. All of that was given to her by the A. What's less easy is remembering that all of the comments I just said we could make about BS we could make about any two people about to enter into an affair. If their 'real' relationships are that bad, they should leave instead of having an A. They should have more control over themselves. What the BS does after DDay is their problem. Etc. It's easy to judge.

 

So while I know the truth because I've read wanting more's posts, BS doesn't. BS only knows what a liar is telling her, and we are judging her for the reaction to that lie even though she isn't being given the benefit of the truth.

 

She's trying to control anything, while deep down knowing if he wants to cheat again, he will. We BSs all know that. We all take a massive risk staying with the WS. In this particular case, BS has made a mistake. A mistake that was made based on the lies of the WS. Now wanting more is also suffering because of the lies of the WS. The difference here is that once again, only wanting more knows the truth.

 

If the truth were given to all parties, wanting more would suffer no more, and perhaps BS would realize what she's staying for and after that, if he continues, she at least knows.

 

I feel for wanting more as I stated. She's done everything right and is still suffering for her past. I'm also able to feel for BS, understanding that she's scared, confused and emotionally beaten. The only anger I feel here is towards xMM. He once again could stop this by telling the truth, but once again his own @ss is more important than wanting more or his BS.

 

I'm almost positive he knows his W called wanting more. He knows wanting more was called all kinds of names, screamed at, etc. He just figured that was better than him dealing with it.

 

Boy, he's sounding better and better all the time, huh? wanting more, you owe this man nothing. Don't allow him to make you look like this. Tell the wife. Tell her, and then tell her that if you hear from either of them again, they'll be hearing from your attorney. But please, don't let this guy make you out to be what BS was calling you. You're better than that - he isn't.

 

***Preface, I am posting to you directly because you responded to my comment. I am not stalking you***********

 

You are assuming what he did and how. Do you have evidence from what has been posted that he did that? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't and phone records would have been available to be checked. How are you certain she has no idea that he called? Were you there or has something been posted to tell you that? OW/OM get hit for "assumptions" have things that may or may not have been said or done and this would be a similar mode of thought.

 

I am and have not judged any party here. I have posted no opinion about them. I have stated the facts as they seem to be based on what the OP has posted and I have given recommendations based on it. I have only opined on who was the primary and secondary person and what their motivation may be.

 

Wanting has told the wife. The wife has seemed to blame Wanting in each conversation. At that point it is not a reciprocal exchange and the best way to shut it down is get a legal third party to assist.

[LFH]

Why does everyone assume that someone would be ashamed to go to court over this? Either the BS or the OW?

 

If I were a bs I would certainly not hesitate to admit what someone had done to me, and as an OW I don't hide my choice.

 

If there is a legal need to get help involved, a person should get the help involved.

[Got it]

"Can I have a restraining order? My H was having sex with this woman, and I can't make it stop, so can you?"

 

 

That may be less embarrassing that having to say:

 

I was having intercourse with this married guy and now his wife is giving me hell.:laugh::laugh:

 

Because the simple fact one would have to show that it is one sided. When Wanting would produce evidence that he was contacting her the restraining order would be null and void. You can't seek out a restraining order for another party if they are not a minor.

[Got it]

this made me laugh - i hope it was meant to.

 

Yes but also a protection if you got upset with me like the other day. That response took me off guard.

 

I definitely made assumptions. Having been a BS, I've checked phone records, etc. It's hard to comprehend calling OW knowing that WS initiated the contact. I've been on other message boards and read on infidelity. The topic of 'false R' comes up quite a bit. Generally, when the WS is the one seeking out the OM/OW, the BS goes after the WS only. Now, I don't know definitively that this is the case here, but I'd bet it is.

 

If I am wrong and BS knows that MM reached out first, how exactly have I wronged someone terribly? Maybe I'm missing your point, and honestly I don't want this to become about me and not wanting more. If you don't agree with my post that's fine. However, if none of us are ever to make assumptions, this is going to be a very slow forum. People will post their story, and receive "oh" because anything else is an assumption.

 

Seething, it isn't about wronging anyone. I didn't say you did. I called at the assumptions. You know the saying, you now what assuming does, it makes a as% out of you and me? So why muddly the waters with speculation? Ask the poster if x, y, or z happened so you can get more facts. Assumptions put in erroneous information and everyone goes down that rabbit hole. It's like playing the telephone game.

 

And if no one assumed I highly doubt this forum would be slow! It is a personal pet peeve but I want facts. Now you can say you are speculating based on x, y, and z information but it isn't stated as fact or a declarative.

 

I am assuming here that you don't believe what I've written to be the most likely, or even a likely, scenario.

 

Seeing, I have no idea. I am not passing judgment on it as I don't have enough information to make that call. You may be right but until Wanting clarifies it is an unknown. Do I think it is a likely scenario? Absolutely. But I don't know if likely means confirmed.

 

I'm getting the feeling there is some judging happening. Of course, that's an assumption.

 

I saw this gently but you seem to get that feeling especially when someone questions you on something you post or is not in agreement. I am not judging anyone especially in this topic of conversation. I took what the OP said, with the facts given, and formed a reasonable response towards it. There is no emotion or opinion in there from me. Seething, on a side note, I think you are probably a very sweet lady who is still grappling with things and who probably doesn't/hasn't frequented many internet forums before. If that is a wrong assumption I apologize (the internet forum part not the sweet part )

 

 

My bottomline, I have seen assumptions in threads cause them to go sideways fast and then everyone is chasing down the wrong rabbit hole. That is why I said anything especially since it was in response to a post of mine. Just continuing the dialogue.

[Got it]

Maybe, maybe not. Someone had mentioned a OW not wanting to obtain a RO, so I wrote why a BS may not wish to get one.

 

Regardless, I don't think a phone call is enough to be granted a RO.

 

I think the RO would be against both of them so there would be a few more interactions in there. But it may not but I know that it can warrant, at times, a friendly visit from an officer to tell people to knock it off and go their separate ways.

[Got it]

Seething, you are a sweet lady. I am sorry you have had to deal with the issues that you have. I hope you find answers here and yes I think you can bring a great deal of insight here.

 

On this forum, it is definitely not for the faint of heart so we need to all have our big girl and boy panties on to survive without wanting to literally and figuratively killing someone. :laugh:

 

Sigh, I agree there is a long history here of back and forth that I don't know if it will ever get better. I know, when I was active in the EMR I didn't post here, just wasn't where I felt I best fit in. Now, I am in a frame of mind that I can handle the discord with (attempted) aplumb.

 

I think here there is a long history that honestly doesn't matter. What matters is if everyone will agree to effect change today. But its easier to be mean, easier to assume the worst, and easier to bully than to be kind, nice, and understanding. But I have high hopes that if it becomes a group consensus to change, it can be done!

 

I am sorry if I seemed snide to you, not my intent. I tend to write around work or when I need a mental break from work or while traveling so it can be many attempts before something gets posted and can be more succinct than I planned. I am also a pretty analytical and logical person. I don't do emotions a lot. I am very guy like though I do have a quick temper. My writing style shows that especially. So I can sound harsher than I mean to.

 

I try and follow, here and in real life "seek first to understand, then to be understood - Steven Covey and "help me help you" - Jerry Mcguire.

 

But I do not always succeed there. Some times it's just "serenity now".

[BetrayedH]

Forgive me if I am repeating the posts of other or have missed an update as I've only read the OP.

 

Forward her the VMs. File restraining orders against both of them if you are able.

[Cali408]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't some people give you the advice to let sleeping dogs lie?

[BetrayedH]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't some people give you the advice to let sleeping dogs lie?

 

They weren't sleeping. After the second time he called, she took action to stop it. It worked to stop him. Now the wife is next.