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Posted

When I first trawled the net after D Day to try to understand the mechanics of infidelity better, to make sense of it all, I looked for people who understood how I felt, who maybe had advice for how to get through how I felt and to be able to howl at the moon about it. I didn't seek advice, but I sought people who had gone through it from a BS point of view and wanted and needed to find the steps to how to reconcile, both the A and my marriage.

 

5 and a half years later we have reconciled, posts here don't trigger and in the main I try to respond to the emotions a person is feeling, rather than the hat they wear and to contribute to the discussions. I see more and more discussions and less of people coming for support and advice, maybe the discussions open up the way for people to vent or to make sense. I know that in the early days some of the topics for discussion would have had me shake my head at the inability of some posters to recognise that Infidelty is so dammed hurtful and the flip comments would have prevented me returning.

 

I feel detached from the anger, hurt and confusion that D Day brought, mainly because H and I are in such a good place, despite the A. I am struck by how many AP's are still posting in A's that have continued for many years and can understand the defensiveness, not the need to hurt BS's or to make comments intended to degenerate a BS or to make sweeping statements about BS in general. It is said many times that the AP isn't the BS's AP and the same holds true, the BS who post here (most XBS) aren't the BS of the AP's. I cannot ever Ra Ra an A, I will never understand them. I don't understand the knowingly sharing the person I love, I can never understand that, in all the time I have read here I still haven't read one post that explains this to me so I can understand it better.

I hope new posters coming here take as much heart as I did when I first visited on reading of those who had taken the decision to reconcile and not be distracted by the to'ing and fro'ing that goes on.

 

If I get angry at posts I get angry with the hurtful nature, the intent to stir a pot just for the sake of it, the intention to hurt just because the internet is an anonymous board and just because a person's relationship isn't how they would like it to be - I try not to get angry with the person, there is just one poster who winds me up and so I ignore her, IRL I wouldn't do so, but here, it just distracts from a thread. I don't want to read about how clever a WS is at lying, or how an AP slept in the marital bed and has no remorse (double yuck at that), though how anyone does that is out of my mindset. I don't need to see either a BS, WS or AP called names, spoken of in derogatory terms .... well maybe a howl at the moon now and again.

 

No real reason for this, other than to type out loud my thoughts on how distant I feel from the emotions of D Day (Thank whomever) and to remind myself that there are real people who hurt and for whom the more clinical discussions aren't helpful. If you are here for advice, support or lurking and are afraid to enter the fray, I hope the posts the past week or so don't put you off.

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Posted

I'm with you Seren.

 

This place proved invaluable to me after DDAy...like group therapy with people representing all hats.

 

And at times, it was hurtful to read some posts; some were harsh, some a smack upside the head; some triggering insecurities.

 

When it became too painful, I took a LS break for a few days until I could process what was healthy for me and what was not.

 

In time, the more I healed, I would go back and re-read some to the threads and posts that most disturbed me...and try to figure out WHY that was.

 

It's a process AND a roller coaster, and today, like you, his A is a distant memory that no longer triggers me. We are in a great place, even though sadness sometimes envelops him because of how much he hurt me..

 

I try to help those that are in the pain I was after DDAy, when I didn't know where to turn and how to feel, accept sad. And it's great when a person begins to open up because they do understand that I do really get it and can offer some support.

 

And like you, I see the people who are still stuck, years later, in anger or arrogance or needing attention where they T/J every other thread and make it about them and I have to scratch my head at it.

 

But I think that is what you get on a public forum internet site which should never be used as a replacement for a good therapist....

 

Unless you'd rather be right, than happy.

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