Harlequin_Dog Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Hi! I'm brand new to this community- but I have been a ghost here for awhile now. (I just never made an account...until today. ) But anyway- I need your help. I live in an apartment with 3 women. For the sake of keeping anonymity, I'll call them room mates "absent," "passive," and "agro." We have been living together since last August now. Absent is gone a lot, but beyond that we're fine with each other. Passive is also gone about 50% on the time, and for a long time we were actually very friendly with each other. Agro has always been...well...aggressive. She is almost always home, and will watch TV nonstop everyday. I actually have no idea if she even goes to class. (We are all in college.) Since around early/mid-February, things have deteriorated greatly. Things started going badly when I ended up in a conversation with Passive and Agro. Agro is in a class this semester examining how Asian American Women are treated in American culture. Because of this, she feels 'oppressed' in the class as a white woman, and feels like the term white is racist. I told her this is wrong. Cue Passive jumping in telling me that I was wrong, and invalidating my argument because she's the one with a social sciences major. (This is severely irritating to me- as a queer person and someone who has spent a lot of time learning social theory- your eventual degree does not give you a power over my knowledge of a topic.) Long story short- we ended up arguing about this for over an hour, with Agro just feeling more and more 'oppressed' by being white. Since then, I have had my food stolen by Passive and Agro, I have been ignored and had them actively treat me badly. The other day, my knee went out on me very badly in the apartment. I fell down and was unable to stand/walk. Agro was on the couch and watched me fall down and cry out in pain. She sat and watched me struggle to stand. I called for help and she responded by..doing nothing, saying nothing, and turning up the TV. I had to call a doctor for help, who told me I need to crawl to their office ASAP. When she heard me say I would do so, she decided to go get pizza (as she has a car) which, ironically, was on the way to the doctor's office I needed to get to. Well, it's past it actually. Not caring I was left to walk/limp/crawl to an emergency department for help. When I got back later in a huge nasty brace, no one acknowledged me. I mean literally no one. I came in and all 3 room mates refused to even look up from their computer screens. Today, Passive and Agro once again got angry with me- saying I leave 'messes' everywhere and that I'm gone all the time, which is why they're ignoring me. I am not the cleanest of people, but I do try hard to keep a neat ship. So to meet their request, I took everything from around the apartment that I owned, and moved it to my room. This entire process took >10 minutes, and consisted of 1 binder, 2 textbooks, a few papers and a flower pot I was letting Agro use. (I gave her back the flowers she was keeping in it.) The house still looked fairly dirty- but that's because the vast majority of junk laying around belongs to Agro....not me. As for being gone- as they have been extremely rude/ignoring me, I have tried spending more time out of the house or with my partner. But when I said this to Passive and Agro, both said that was unfair and that I couldn't blame them for me not wanting to be in the apartment. Passive is in a LDR, and was acutely mean to me about getting to see my partner "practically everyday" and how she's totally not offended about that. But honestly after hearing her remarks, I do feel that she's upset about me being able to see my partner so frequently. Also both Passive and Argo have taken the liberty of removing the vast majority of my food from the freezer/refridge (Either by directly throwing it out or eating it) and have no intent of letting me keep more food in either location. I am now literally living out of my very cramped room. Also Agro has banned me from speaking to her, unless it's to say hello in the mornings, but she maintained that it was dubious if she'd ever reply. Honestly, being in the apartment is causing me a lot of stress and tears. I desperately want out. I am trying to find someone to take my lease, but until that happens...what can I do?
Cealabeala Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I'm sorry to hear what a rotten time you've been having. To me this sounds like bullying and I know that living in that kind of atmosphere is extremely stressful. "Agro" in particular sounds like a typical bully and "Passive" sounds like the kind of spineless followers that bullies usually collect, her motive probably being to keep on her good side so she doesn't turn on her. She's jealous that you get to see more of your partner than she does of hers too, obviously. "Agro" also sounds like she's pretty unhappy (not leaving the house, constantly watching TV) so I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that she's taking her own sh*t out on you - you're not at fault. The only advice I can give you is to try to assert yourself. Let them know that you expect a certain level of respect from them and that you are entitled to use as much space in the apartment as they are, including the fridge. Also let them know that you have noticed that they've been stealing your food and that you want that to stop. You don't need to be friends but they should treat you with that much respect. If they don't agree then they are being completely unreasonable. Best of luck.
grace777 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Oh man, that sucks. Here's my take. Absent is always gone, so no worries. Passive is a little brat, too insecure with herself so she wants some tough person, like Agro on her side. She is also probably jealous of your relationship. Regardless, she'll never be someone you can fully trust. And Agro - ugh - I hate the Agros of the world. So you just need to tell this bi**h what's up. Be "agro" right back at her. I say flat out tell Agro and Passive that this is your place too. I would try to keep your stuff out of the common areas, but food goes in the fridge. Clearly tell them that you know they're eating/trashing your food and that it is not okay. If they continue to do it, trash their food! Anytime they cross you, address it immediately - regardless as to who is around. Even if it's a roll of the eyes, don't let it go. Demand respect. You don't need to be BFF (and you won't be), but you do deserve respect. Although I do agree that clearly Agro is an unhappy person. That's her deal though, no reason to take it out on you. Be kind, be respectful and cordial always. And expect the same. In the meantime, look into new places STAT! If you have to, break the lease - so what if you lose $1000, they suck. You need to leave. Those are my two cents. They sound like a bunch of immature, insecure and unhappy brats to me.
Author Harlequin_Dog Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I'm sorry to hear what a rotten time you've been having. To me this sounds like bullying and I know that living in that kind of atmosphere is extremely stressful. "Agro" in particular sounds like a typical bully and "Passive" sounds like the kind of spineless followers that bullies usually collect, her motive probably being to keep on her good side so she doesn't turn on her. She's jealous that you get to see more of your partner than she does of hers too, obviously. "Agro" also sounds like she's pretty unhappy (not leaving the house, constantly watching TV) so I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that she's taking her own sh*t out on you - you're not at fault. The only advice I can give you is to try to assert yourself. Let them know that you expect a certain level of respect from them and that you are entitled to use as much space in the apartment as they are, including the fridge. Also let them know that you have noticed that they've been stealing your food and that you want that to stop. You don't need to be friends but they should treat you with that much respect. If they don't agree then they are being completely unreasonable. Best of luck. Thanks- I spent the night out of the apartment. When I came back this morning to grab a few things for class Passive was in a pretty bad mood. I'm going to try my hardest to hold what ground I have left. I'm also going to try to talk with my landlord on Monday to see what he could maybe do to help me out. I really appreciate the support. ;u; It means a ton to me right now!
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