Cheating and a break up

[shatteredworld]

I apologize in advance if this is too long to read, but I would love some feedback!

 

It all started three weeks before the break up. I became insecure that he didn't want me anymore, and he knew it. He told me that he couldn't take it much longer and I needed to fix it. I then went to a therapist and I thought things were going better. He was so proud of me, I was too. This is also when he started having too much school work so we never spent time together, this made me extremely depressed.

 

A week and a half before the break up - My housing arrangements for the next year failed so I decided to think about studying abroad. This resulted in me asking him the question, "Would you still want to be with me if I was across the globe?" He said he didn't know, because he's done long distance relationships before and they just don't work. But, he still loved me and he didn't want me to over-think it all and question how he felt about me because of that.

 

A few days later - I went to visit my family for the weekend and while I was there he continues telling me he loves me and I decide I would rather be with him than go abroad.

 

3 days before the break up - I come back and don't see him until a day later which confuses me about how he feels but once we're together again he reassures me everything is okay. I tell him I made my decision and would like to stay with him instead of go abroad. The days until the break up he just seems distant which makes me even more depressed. He's still telling me how much he loves me and cares for me all the time.

 

Break up - I reveal how upset I've been, but I'm trying to get over it. He reveals to me he cheated on me while I was at home. This devastates me, especially since he was one of those people you'd never expect this from, he always promised he could never do such a thing. I'm going back and forth of what I should do, panicking. He tells me he thinks the reason he cheated (while belligerently drunk with someone he didn't know) was because he thought we'd break up anyways and he was unhappy (of course I assume now it's because I was thinking about going abroad). He says he has shattered his world. I eventually decide he's too important to me to break up with him. I call him later and tell him this, then he tells me he can't let me do that. We break up.

 

The weekend following the break up - I'm confused, I can't understand, my entire world seems destroyed. I try and figure out what happened by communicating with him. He tells me that he doesn't know what happened. He wishes we had met in the future when he would be at a better place for all this. He hates himself for doing something evil, especially to someone he loves. He would do anything to take it back. Then he tells me once my pain goes away I will understand why he had to do this. I tell him not to break up just because he thinks it's the right thing for me but because he wants to. He tells me he's not.. but then continues to tell me how I have his heart and he doesn't want to love anyone else nor is he looking for anyone else. He doesn't need his heart unless we're together and doesn't think he could ever love someone like he loved me. He also hopes we cross paths in the future. This entire time he was also interchanging the words love and loved with me which made it even more confusing.

After all this I stop talking.

 

The past month since the break up - He's blocked me on facebook, deleted me on instagram, has replied with very very short responses when I try to look for answers.

 

I am just confused and am trying to figure out what happened so I can get some closure I guess.

 

I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks

[shatteredworld]

Anyone?

 

I also want to add, before a few weeks before it all happened. I genuinely believed he would never leave me cause he was so obviously that in love with me.

[AlisaMarie]

I apologize in advance if this is too long to read, but I would love some feedback!

 

It all started three weeks before the break up. I became insecure that he didn't want me anymore, and he knew it. He told me that he couldn't take it much longer and I needed to fix it. I then went to a therapist and I thought things were going better. He was so proud of me, I was too. This is also when he started having too much school work so we never spent time together, this made me extremely depressed.

 

A week and a half before the break up - My housing arrangements for the next year failed so I decided to think about studying abroad. This resulted in me asking him the question, "Would you still want to be with me if I was across the globe?" He said he didn't know, because he's done long distance relationships before and they just don't work. But, he still loved me and he didn't want me to over-think it all and question how he felt about me because of that.

 

A few days later - I went to visit my family for the weekend and while I was there he continues telling me he loves me and I decide I would rather be with him than go abroad.

 

3 days before the break up - I come back and don't see him until a day later which confuses me about how he feels but once we're together again he reassures me everything is okay. I tell him I made my decision and would like to stay with him instead of go abroad. The days until the break up he just seems distant which makes me even more depressed. He's still telling me how much he loves me and cares for me all the time.

 

Break up - I reveal how upset I've been, but I'm trying to get over it. He reveals to me he cheated on me while I was at home. This devastates me, especially since he was one of those people you'd never expect this from, he always promised he could never do such a thing. I'm going back and forth of what I should do, panicking. He tells me he thinks the reason he cheated (while belligerently drunk with someone he didn't know) was because he thought we'd break up anyways and he was unhappy (of course I assume now it's because I was thinking about going abroad). He says he has shattered his world. I eventually decide he's too important to me to break up with him. I call him later and tell him this, then he tells me he can't let me do that. We break up.

 

The weekend following the break up - I'm confused, I can't understand, my entire world seems destroyed. I try and figure out what happened by communicating with him. He tells me that he doesn't know what happened. He wishes we had met in the future when he would be at a better place for all this. He hates himself for doing something evil, especially to someone he loves. He would do anything to take it back. Then he tells me once my pain goes away I will understand why he had to do this. I tell him not to break up just because he thinks it's the right thing for me but because he wants to. He tells me he's not.. but then continues to tell me how I have his heart and he doesn't want to love anyone else nor is he looking for anyone else. He doesn't need his heart unless we're together and doesn't think he could ever love someone like he loved me. He also hopes we cross paths in the future. This entire time he was also interchanging the words love and loved with me which made it even more confusing.

After all this I stop talking.

 

The past month since the break up - He's blocked me on facebook, deleted me on instagram, has replied with very very short responses when I try to look for answers.

 

I am just confused and am trying to figure out what happened so I can get some closure I guess.

 

I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks

 

Wow! I am also very confused... and it sounds like he is too. Listen, figuring out what happened isn't going to give you closure, it is only going to raise more questions and create a very vicious cycle.

 

I too have been in relationships that ended in cheating and the guy expressing how wrong he did me and can't stay with me because of all of the evil things that he did. I truly feel that it is a copout. He is trying to let you down as easy as possible because he may want out of the relationship- but still loves you. This does happen!

 

My sound advice? Move on. No contact. Be glad he blocked you from all of those things because what you may see on there could hurt you. Is it too late to study abroad? If not... go for it! Enjoy your life and all of the things that may come! He cheated on you- forgive, but don't you forget that! I don't care how drunk or lonely- someone will not cheat on someone they truly love, and if they do the will shake hell to keep them, not try to get rid of them. This screams coward. Do you want to be with a coward? NO.

[shatteredworld]

Wow! I am also very confused... and it sounds like he is too. Listen, figuring out what happened isn't going to give you closure, it is only going to raise more questions and create a very vicious cycle.

 

I too have been in relationships that ended in cheating and the guy expressing how wrong he did me and can't stay with me because of all of the evil things that he did. I truly feel that it is a copout. He is trying to let you down as easy as possible because he may want out of the relationship- but still loves you. This does happen!

 

My sound advice? Move on. No contact. Be glad he blocked you from all of those things because what you may see on there could hurt you. Is it too late to study abroad? If not... go for it! Enjoy your life and all of the things that may come! He cheated on you- forgive, but don't you forget that! I don't care how drunk or lonely- someone will not cheat on someone they truly love, and if they do the will shake hell to keep them, not try to get rid of them. This screams coward. Do you want to be with a coward? NO.

 

Ugh I hate that! I just want the honest truth cause it's the only thing that would ever make sense. I do believe he wanted out, he told me all of his friends were constantly asking why he was in a relationship, no one understood. I think this might've made him want out cause he thought he was missing out? I have such a hard time letting go and not overanalyzing.

 

I actually started NC last week, I have even deleted his number to prevent myself from slipping. The funny thing about study abroad is that I realized I don't want to have to go back to this school next year so I will be transferring. (a little bit of me wants him to find out and realize he's lost me forever.) I am doing this for myself though! I can only hope I am doing the right things to get over him as much as my heart doesn't want me to. You're right though, I do not want a coward. He was terrible to me, you'd think it'd made things easier for me.. haha

[AlisaMarie]

Ugh I hate that! I just want the honest truth cause it's the only thing that would ever make sense. I do believe he wanted out, he told me all of his friends were constantly asking why he was in a relationship, no one understood. I think this might've made him want out cause he thought he was missing out? I have such a hard time letting go and not overanalyzing.

 

I actually started NC last week, I have even deleted his number to prevent myself from slipping. The funny thing about study abroad is that I realized I don't want to have to go back to this school next year so I will be transferring. (a little bit of me wants him to find out and realize he's lost me forever.) I am doing this for myself though! I can only hope I am doing the right things to get over him as much as my heart doesn't want me to. You're right though, I do not want a coward. He was terrible to me, you'd think it'd made things easier for me.. haha

 

Maybe he needs to know that he lost you forever... and if he does realize anything in the future about working things out- he will have to find you and actually work for it... but honestly, if he was terrible to you, you don't want him back. Sometimes it's harder when they're awful... we want to fix it and make them realize how awesome we are... and in turn- we start kissing their butts! It's crazy how some of us think in times of an ending relationship!

 

You're probably going to meet someone new at your new school and have an awesome life and great relationship! Make that your personal goal and be happy you're away from Mr. Confusing!

[shatteredworld]

Maybe he needs to know that he lost you forever... and if he does realize anything in the future about working things out- he will have to find you and actually work for it... but honestly, if he was terrible to you, you don't want him back. Sometimes it's harder when they're awful... we want to fix it and make them realize how awesome we are... and in turn- we start kissing their butts! It's crazy how some of us think in times of an ending relationship!

 

You're probably going to meet someone new at your new school and have an awesome life and great relationship! Make that your personal goal and be happy you're away from Mr. Confusing!

 

You're dead on about that. I want him to want me back, mostly cause the thought that he doesn't want me anymore is just such a big insult. He was actually incredible to me during the relationship, he just got terrible once he cheated and then cut me out of his life within weeks. I never would have thought I would love someone after they cheated, I hate it so much!

 

I hope so, I'm worried he will always be in the back of my mind though. I do want him to regret what he did though.. it's just not fair that I have to be in so much pain for something that isn't even my fault. Thanks for your input!

[CaliBabe]

You will drive yourself crazy asking why and searching for answers. You have all that you need to know- he cheated and doesn't want to be with you. Stop contacting him, stop looking needy and stop looking for answers. This is a really difficult time and you will need to be around people who love you. Friends and family. Really nuture yourself and do things to make you feel better, whether its sports, working out, or shopping.

 

You need to pick yourself up and get yourself ready for the next man that comes into your life. Focus on you.

 

As for your ex. What an a-hole, screw him!

[shatteredworld]

I might be venting here for awhile.

 

I had so much hope for the relationship, I feel like I did everything for him. It just all went downhill so fast and so suddenly. I feel like he gave us no chances after everything he told me. He would mention our entire future. He told me he loved me for the first time a month before he cheated on me. It just makes no sense. I've never clicked with anyone like I did with him before.

[OwlSoul]

He is trying to let you down as easy as possible because he may want out of the relationship- but still loves you. This does happen!

Uh, I do not think he would be cheating if he'd be still in love. Not wanting the person, spending more time at work/studying/hanging out with someone else are the clear signs that the person is losing interest. He is not sure. In one hand he realises she is the one who loves him, she is awesome and etc., on the other hand he feels some weird gut feeling. So he is like a pendulum, undecided, feeling big guilty, feeling trapped by the fact that he is such an ******* and etc. More unsecure she appears to him, more he is driven away and tries to find literally anyone (suitable or not) who'd resolve his internal dilemma.

 

I feel like I did everything for him.

I know this feeling sweetheart. Alas, giving someone everything while the person is not giving as much pushes the person away from you.

 

Advise: Consider NC, if you still feel jeleaous, checking his statuses and etc. If you're experiencing very terrible loss, try to avoid contacts, since every time you'd see him or something related to him will just make you feel worse. Teach yourself to think about something else when you start thinking about him

There is only chance to get back together if you'll move on and will not miss him, depend on him and etc.

[shatteredworld]

Not wanting the person, spending more time at work/studying/hanging out with someone else are the clear signs that the person is losing interest... More unsecure she appears to him, more he is driven away and tries to find literally anyone (suitable or not) who'd resolve his internal dilemma.

 

His workload had changed drastically he would tell me how much work he had, so I do not believe that was his choice. It just made me feel uneasy cause I was so used to spending all my time with him. We basically lived together.

 

As for being insecure, after I went to therapy I made it a conscious effort to get better and not do it anymore, and I legitimately thought it was all getting better. I thought our relationship was taking a turn for the better then the cheating happened.

 

 

I have started NC. I don't even have his number anymore. One week strong!

[shatteredworld]

I just don't know how I'm supposed to accept that someone could do such a thing to me. It was my biggest fear being cheated on and I don't understand how he could. What we had was so great, he worshipped me for the longest time. It seems like once I returned the love is when he got distant. I wouldn't even say I'm still in love with him, I just gave it my all. I know I could do so much better, and he was lucky to have me. I just hate that he doesn't realize that. I hate being so worthless and unimportant. I gave him my world after I never thought I could love someone. That love was just ripped apart and thrown away dammit!

[iKING]

It sounds as though he was highly ashamed of what he did and had a hard time coming to terms with his actions. He did you a favor. I know you were blinded by love and willing to look past it, but he actually did the right thing by telling you and breaking up. It was the only right thing he did in the situation. You'll understand, like he said, after the shock wears off.

 

He's no good for you, he knows it. Everyone deserves someone who will remain faithful to them, including you. It's not going to be easy to move on, but It's more then likely the only choice at this point. He may or may not learn from his mistakes, but he's going to have to learn self control prior to being a suitable partner in a relationship.

 

Keep your chin up, you'll find someone who values commitment.

[shatteredworld]

It sounds as though he was highly ashamed of what he did and had a hard time coming to terms with his actions. He did you a favor. I know you were blinded by love and willing to look past it, but he actually did the right thing by telling you and breaking up. It was the only right thing he did in the situation. You'll understand, like he said, after the shock wears off.

 

He's no good for you, he knows it. Everyone deserves someone who will remain faithful to them, including you. It's not going to be easy to move on, but It's more then likely the only choice at this point. He may or may not learn from his mistakes, but he's going to have to learn self control prior to being a suitable partner in a relationship.

 

Keep your chin up, you'll find someone who values commitment.

 

You're right it was the right thing. I don't even think I would've ever been able to look past that, he blew it. I just don't think he did it for me, and that hurts the most.

[ThatJustHappened]

Gently..being with someone who is so insecure is exhausting. Having to constantly reassure them that you love them..it's like having a succubus draining your emotions. The needier you got, the more you pushed him away. The break up wasn't all your fault..I'm just saying it's something to keep in mind for future relationships.

 

Keep up with NC. Do not attempt to make ANY kind of contact with him, do not online stalk him (or real life stalk him), do not ask any mutual friends about him.

 

You'll be ok. Hugs!

[shatteredworld]

Gently..being with someone who is so insecure is exhausting. Having to constantly reassure them that you love them..it's like having a succubus draining your emotions. The needier you got, the more you pushed him away. The break up wasn't all your fault..I'm just saying it's something to keep in mind for future relationships.

 

Keep up with NC. Do not attempt to make ANY kind of contact with him, do not online stalk him (or real life stalk him), do not ask any mutual friends about him.

 

You'll be ok. Hugs!

 

Thank you. I am aware of that, that was the main goal when I initially starting going to a therapist. I guess I should realize that I was doing the right things to try and fix my problems and he should have realized that. I knew I had a problem and I wanted to make it better before it was too late.. oops.

[shatteredworld]

I still just can't believe he did this to me, how could he do this to me? Since the first weekend after he hasn't shown any sympathy for me and seems to be getting on just fine. Inside I just hope he's beating himself up over what he did to someone cause that was something he was always so animate about how terrible it was to cheat. I just don't deserve to be the one wanting him back and being depressed about it if I wasn't the one in the wrong here.

 

Seriously, I can't think of another situation I've heard of where the person that got cheated on still wants the other person back but the cheater says no.

[shatteredworld]

I gave him everything sexually and never asked for anything in return. We had sex as often as possible.. if anyone should've cheated it was me. God dammit.

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh sweetie. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I know there's not. Just know that you have friends at LS. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

HUG!

[RiceaRoni]

It's hard. And it will be for a while :/

 

But you also have the chance to change and become happy with yourself again

 

Cry. Grieve. Do whatever you have to do to let it out.

 

Just don't stay in that state of emotional turmoil forever though.

 

Becoming happy again is step one.

 

If he truly wants to reconcile and you do too. Time and space need to happen. Right now there's too much going on.

[shatteredworld]

Thanks everyone, reading anything about it really helps.

 

I think one of the most difficult parts of this process is making myself believe that he doesn't care about me. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that. I still feel like he loves me but he knew it wasn't the right thing to be together anymore. I don't know, I'm probably just trying to justify it all. I think he screwed up and knew he had to end it cause I couldn't and he really still loved me. Yeah I'm probably just being naive..

[shatteredworld]

I don't know how to handle this. 5 weeks after we break up I find out that he's already in a new relationship. It pains me seeing this especially after all the things he made me believe.

[shatteredworld]

I feel so sick, I believed him when he told me he didn't want anyone else, he wasn't looking for anyone else and when he said he didn't think a relationship was the best thing for him now. Well I guess he lied to me, made me feel like I was potentially worth something then. I feel so worthless. He clearly meant none of that and now I'm here feeling all the pain.