The "other woman" in a sexless marriage

[angie2443]

Inevitably, when someone says "I'm not trying to be <blank>" (where <blank> is "offensive", "obnoxious", "racist", or whatever...) you can be pretty sure that what's coming next is some form of exactly that. So here we go:

 

How is that hypocrisy? According to your perspective, she was cold, heartless, and without compassion before, and she's being cold, heartless, and without compassion now. How do you fail to see your own perceptions of her as demonstrating completely consistent behavior?

 

This is so funny and so true! Every time I've heard someone say "I'm not trying to be rude, offensive, etc" or "Please don't take this the wrong way, but", or "I mean this in no offense", what follows is almost always rude, offensive, or whatever negative thing they say they're trying not to be.

[angie2443]

 

The couple I'm involved with began their own marriage in adultery. Moved in together and skipped town while he was married to someone else. She had a boyfriend at the time too, and both of them left their significant others in the dust without even so much of a goodbye. She never lost sleep over his first wife. So how can she treat me with so little compassion if she was once the other woman too? Heartlessly so, never looking back? I just don't understand that hypocrisy.

 

 

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in life and on LS is that actions speak louder than words. Forget about the wife for a bit. You're not planning on hooking up with her. Look at MM actions. Look at the bolded part here. What do his actions say about him?

[Furious]

Softsprite

 

It's seems as though you're getting too caught up in these people's dysfunction, and are consumed with over analyzing the craziness around you.

 

Don't you see how you're volunteering to be sucked into it and are also contributing to it.

 

You should step back, leave them to their own problems.

 

Are you used to drama, is dysfunction and chaos your normal, is this how your life has played out. Are you attracted to brokenness and high drama.

 

You know you can walk away from all of this, you know in the future you can avoid these types of situations, concentrate on yourself and work hard to gain the skills to avoid toxic people and toxic situations.

 

Don't waste your youth and your future any longer on people who hurt and use you.

[ComingInHot]

you are absolutely right seething. I was more thinking that if mm sees the opportunities outside his miserable abusive M, then he can leave the M FIRST.

I am so sorry. You are correct.

Again my apologies to you & anyone else offended.

[softsprite]

Ok. I'm getting out today. No contact.

 

Should I kill myself?

[softsprite]

Please don't do that.

[softsprite]

I was asking for an opinion, not threatening.

[softsprite]

I'm sorry.

 

There is absolutely no reason to call 911. I made a promise to my sister and I intend to keep it.

 

I just can't think of a way to atone for anything.

 

Bout time perhaps though to wrap us the discussion. Apologies again. Don't worry; I'll get help. Serious, long-term professional help. Sorry sorry sorry!

[ComingInHot]

Seething...

I think SoftSprite feels bad enough all on her own and it was the constructive yet kind responses that helped her see beyond the A, and the possibilities/consequences from an A.

She already feels bad.

My response wasn't meant to say "because of the A, she saved him" ... but I feel no matter how I try to explain you will disagree, and I wish not to agitate you further.

I do not feel there is ANY reason or justification for an A.

I do feel that the best way to reach and support others is through empathy and the attempt to meet them where they are.

 

Others feel the cold unadulterated hard unempathetic truth is the best way to support others.

 

I'm happy there is the diversity of approaches here*

[ComingInHot]

Softsprite, if you're still here, please know that Already here on LS yu are Not alone.

If you are basing whether or not to end your life on if some man child loves you or not (regardless of his age) you Need to gain support immediately!!

A pastor, a family member, a councelor, Anyone.

Suicidal thoughts are not okay.

I wish you peace SoftSprite.

CIH*

[ComingInHot]

Where's William?!

[ComingInHot]

seething, " No offense CiH, but you spend more time agreeing with the OW on this board, and getting angry on their behalf, than you do giving insight into what it's like to be a BS. If that's what you like doing that's fine. It's very odd, but it's fine. I don't hate the OW here, but I'm not going to join you in being their cheerleader and I'm certainly not going to lie and say that their affair saved the OM. Whatever you meant is in your head. What you said was yes when the question was if the affair saved this man.

 

If you find comfort or knowledge in cowtowing to the OW of the world then more power to you. I find it very confusing, but I wish you nothing but the best. However, I do find the truth to be the most supportive way to deal with people, particularly those that are interested in it and are asking questions. There is no support in holding someone's hand and nodding in agreement when someone is refusing to see the big picture."

 

 

 

You are both wrong & inappropriate w/me. Please back off.

[softsprite]

Please stop!

[softsprite]

I am an adulterer but not a liar.

 

My letter to the wife was not filled with suicidal ideation.

 

Nothing is going to happen; there is no need to report me.

[softsprite]

I was asking that question because there are people here who believe that it is an unforgivable sin, in which case there is no way for any OW to atone. If there is no way to atone, then what would you like the OW to do?

 

That a single action could define a person forever as some sort of sociopath, liar, manipulator, sicko, etc., and that there is "no excuse," but if the action emerges from perhaps a malfunctioning sense of conscience in the first place, and then all avenues for atonement are considered extensions of the manipulation, lying, sickness, etc. Do you see what I mean?

 

Please tell me you understand the dilemma there?

[ComingInHot]

SoftSprite,

Different characters will reply differently.

You have to take the comments that you can work with, that will help you get on a better path.

The other posts?

Ignore.

If it isn't helpful, let the comment go.

[AnotherRound]

I am an adulterer but not a liar.

 

My letter to the wife was not filled with suicidal ideation.

 

Nothing is going to happen; there is no need to report me.

 

 

Reporting doesn't do much in a case like this. The most that they could do is contact emergency personnel and have them do a safety check - if they even have access to where you are (as you could be posting from anywhere, obvs.) You wouldn't be committed against your will unless you were found to be unstable or a danger to yourself or to others (and nothing you've said has me thinking that is the case, of course I'm not a professional on these boards, so... ).

 

I hope that you are truly not having any type of suicidal thoughts (I don't think you are, but after getting beaten up on here for a minute, sometimes it can feel like the only answer some would be happy with now is if you were dead, as if you'd done something that is death worthy), and that if you are you will seek professional support for that.

 

This is not a life and death situation SoftSprite - it really isn't. I know that some people will try to convince you that it is - but it truly isn't. Yes, his w was hurt - but life and death? Um, no... it's a relationship, it's not their lifeblood and if it is their lifeblood, well, they have bigger problems than even the affair.

 

Thing is - I think you posted in the wrong place - just my opinion, as you are going to get more support form the OW forum I think since that was your role in this. Some people here are (of their own admission) triggering like mad and lashing out and that's not going to be helpful to you. You might find better support elsewhere - IRL, professional help would be great - here - probably not on this board... look around, you'll find a place that will be able to provide feedback and not lashing out from triggering.

[softsprite]

Yes, calling my sister.

 

Yes, going to bed.

 

I wish we lived in a world in which people didn't assume that sincere emotion was manipulative and that everyone was just covering for some base, selfish and narcissistic intention. Sometimes trying to do right by two people with wildly different needs makes a mess that looks like an intentional destructive act, and then the mess spirals out to a point where walking away would make the mess even messier. I'm sorry for driving a conversation to such an insoluble point.

 

I do believe in God, and I have to hope that He's giving me an opportunity here to become more clarified and humble. Especially because spiritual pride, which allowed me to replace conventional wisdom and conventional morality with what I imagined was some "deeper" morality (the "rescue" of this man, say), is the worst form of pride. Maybe that's the lesson. If so, I'm grateful to God for the gift of the lesson.

 

Sorry about taking up so much of your time, energy and concern. Hope it was somehow useful to a few of you at least.

[angie2443]

Ther are many people here who have been in your shoes. They might not say it in your thread, but many people here have gotten involved with a married man. I think most here are just really concerned because of your one post, and because they see a skilled, manipulative man taken advantage of a young, sensitive, inexperienced woman. I've been there. It's why I so often respond when I see these types of threads. Please, talk to your sister, or whoever else you are close to. Take care of yourself and please keep posting. I know some of the posts sound harsh, and some are mean. When a poster is bieng really nasty, realize that they are just freshly hurt and ignore them. There are plenty of posters who have great advice here. Take care.

 

One other thing, if I may ask, what is your cultural background? If I missed it, I'm sorry. I'm just asking because of the comment you made in reguards to people judging you harshly. For the record, I haven't seen many here that judge that harshly, and I've been here a long time. I think most here are on your side.

[softsprite]

LadyGrey: Are the police going to come to my house?

[Furious]

Yes, calling my sister.

 

Yes, going to bed.

 

I wish we lived in a world in which people didn't assume that sincere emotion was manipulative and that everyone was just covering for some base, selfish and narcissistic intention. Sometimes trying to do right by two people with wildly different needs makes a mess that looks like an intentional destructive act, and then the mess spirals out to a point where walking away would make the mess even messier. I'm sorry for driving a conversation to such an insoluble point.

 

I do believe in God, and I have to hope that He's giving me an opportunity here to become more clarified and humble. Especially because spiritual pride, which allowed me to replace conventional wisdom and conventional morality

 

with what I imagined was some "deeper" morality (the "rescue" of this man, say), is the worst form of pride. Maybe that's the lesson. If so, I'm grateful to God for the gift of the lesson.

 

Sorry about taking up so much of your time, energy and concern. Hope it was somehow useful to a few of you at least.

 

 

 

Softsprite

 

I feel for you, I know you're a loving and caring young woman. You're heart is in the right place. Everyone, especially when their young can find themselves in situations and with people who take advantage of you.

 

I hope you stop blaming yourself, that you move forward, wiser and stronger than ever.

 

((((((hugs))))))

[softsprite]

Thank you Furious. I really hope the police aren't coming over, but you did the right thing, LadyGrey--it's always the right thing to do. I really did make promises to people a long time ago and I'll never, ever break them. I'm sorry for throwing the question out there so flippantly. I intended it as an honest question, but I suppose it must seem strange to ask it that way--I guess most people don't want anyone to do that to themselves, no matter how bad those people are. I forget that. You're right, Angie.

[angie2443]

Yes, calling my sister.

 

Yes, going to bed.

 

I wish we lived in a world in which people didn't assume that sincere emotion was manipulative and that everyone was just covering for some base, selfish and narcissistic intention. Sometimes trying to do right by two people with wildly different needs makes a mess that looks like an intentional destructive act, and then the mess spirals out to a point where walking away would make the mess even messier. I'm sorry for driving a conversation to such an insoluble point.

 

I do believe in God, and I have to hope that He's giving me an opportunity here to become more clarified and humble. Especially because spiritual pride, which allowed me to replace conventional wisdom and conventional morality with what I imagined was some "deeper" morality (the "rescue" of this man, say), is the worst form of pride. Maybe that's the lesson. If so, I'm grateful to God for the gift of the lesson.

 

Sorry about taking up so much of your time, energy and concern. Hope it was somehow useful to a few of you at least.

 

 

I guess this will sound ackward because I'm not quite sure why this post struck. You seem very sensitive. I know what that is. I'm often that way to, although I try to hide it. Sometimes I think there's not enough sensitive, caring people in this world. At the same time, I know some people really take advantage of that trait. When I was in my early twenties, a lot of older people told me that everything comes together when you hit 25. It didn't all come together for me at that age, but a lot did. These experiences you have at your age are sometimes very rough and painful because you don't have the life experience to fully wrap your mind around them. At the same time, these experiences are great teachers and you'll get better at handling things each time you go through one of these trials- just be sure to learn from them. It really does get easiar.

[softsprite]

Thank you so much Angie. Your post brought me to tears. Sometimes I think that saying yes to everyone is all I've got to work with. Obviously I've got to find the rest of me, quick. Thank you for the assurance that it gets easier. It's funny--a lot of older people I know tell me that the notion that your 20s are the best time in life is pure myth, that they wouldn't relive their 20s for any sum of money. I'll probably feel that way too. Looking forward to my 30s. Something very promising about that own-two-feet thing that seems to happen around that time in life.

[softsprite]

Going offline now. One last assurance I am safe. And sorry. But safe. Ok.