The "other woman" in a sexless marriage

March 14, 2013

I've lost three years of my life to a rather strange situation:

Co-worker of mine, thirty years my senior, offered me $200 three years ago to spend an afternoon with him--not even really sex, just hugging and kissing and touching--because his wife of 30 years hadn't slept with him in 15 years and he'd become suicidal from the loneliness. And I don't mean just a sexless marriage. I mean, NO touching. Like, he would flinch if someone reached out to embrace him. It was really weird. There were other issues with them, but I can't even begin to understand.

Anyway, I was his second "mistress." Before me he'd had a once-a-year meetup with another woman that lasted for a decade, something he decided to do after 5 years of pleading with his wife for sex to no avail. It was discreet and it basically extended the life of his marriage and protected the children from the trauma of divorce. Unfortunately, that other woman called it off and their affair remained a secret and it was ME who was caught. Ironically, he and I hadn't even had sex with each other when his wife found out. But we were very, very close friends and we were physically intimate. I was trying to extricate myself from an abusive relationship at the time so he and I found much solace in our friendship. His wife kicked him out of the house and I began staying over with him because my own angry ex was creeping on me.

Marriage counseling was worthless for them because the wife wanted to talk about the so-called infidelity with me rather than the 15 years of celibacy she imposed on her husband. She tried therapy on her own, but it was focused on ME and her theory that I had "borderline personality disorder"--which, I swear, I do not have, as after her theory emerged I checked with my own therapist. A resounding "no" from him. I actually had to call her therapist because she was telling her husband that her therapist said it was ok to continue checking his phone records and driving by his apartment after she kicked him out and he got his own place.

The wife went nuts because she didn't want to own up to how the total lack of intimacy and the refusal to get counseling might have led to his actions, so she went off on an all-out character assassination of me, started coming into my work and driving by my house, etc. Even involved her son in seeking me out in public to humiliate and intimidate me. It was a big mess. And of course it only drew me closer to her husband, who loves his kids very much and was terrified of what she would do to damage their relationship.

Things have settled down and they are divorcing and he's managed to repair his relationship with the kids, but I'm stuck. Am I really an adulterer? Or did I just save a nice man from a nightmare marriage? Why do I get the impression that she's plotting to hurt me or him before the divorce is finalized (she's dragged it out for two years)? Is 15 years without sex and years without kissing really that abnormal. She seems to think there was nothing wrong with their marriage except for ME. Why isn't the "real" other woman, who actually had sex with him for ten years before I showed up, the one she heaps the blame on? Help!?

March 14, 2013

I've lost three years of my life to a rather strange situation:

Co-worker of mine, thirty years my senior, offered me $200 three years ago to spend an afternoon with him--not even really sex, just hugging and kissing and touching--because his wife of 30 years hadn't slept with him in 15 years and he'd become suicidal from the loneliness. And I don't mean just a sexless marriage. I mean, NO touching. Like, he would flinch if someone reached out to embrace him. It was really weird. There were other issues with them, but I can't even begin to understand.

Anyway, I was his second "mistress." Before me he'd had a once-a-year meetup with another woman that lasted for a decade, something he decided to do after 5 years of pleading with his wife for sex to no avail. It was discreet and it basically extended the life of his marriage and protected the children from the trauma of divorce. Unfortunately, that other woman called it off and their affair remained a secret and it was ME who was caught. Ironically, he and I hadn't even had sex with each other when his wife found out. But we were very, very close friends and we were physically intimate. I was trying to extricate myself from an abusive relationship at the time so he and I found much solace in our friendship. His wife kicked him out of the house and I began staying over with him because my own angry ex was creeping on me.

Marriage counseling was worthless for them because the wife wanted to talk about the so-called infidelity with me rather than the 15 years of celibacy she imposed on her husband. She tried therapy on her own, but it was focused on ME and her theory that I had "borderline personality disorder"--which, I swear, I do not have, as after her theory emerged I checked with my own therapist. A resounding "no" from him. I actually had to call her therapist because she was telling her husband that her therapist said it was ok to continue checking his phone records and driving by his apartment after she kicked him out and he got his own place.

The wife went nuts because she didn't want to own up to how the total lack of intimacy and the refusal to get counseling might have led to his actions, so she went off on an all-out character assassination of me, started coming into my work and driving by my house, etc. Even involved her son in seeking me out in public to humiliate and intimidate me. It was a big mess. And of course it only drew me closer to her husband, who loves his kids very much and was terrified of what she would do to damage their relationship.

Things have settled down and they are divorcing and he's managed to repair his relationship with the kids, but I'm stuck. Am I really an adulterer? Or did I just save a nice man from a nightmare marriage? Why do I get the impression that she's plotting to hurt me or him before the divorce is finalized (she's dragged it out for two years)? Is 15 years without sex and years without kissing really that abnormal. She seems to think there was nothing wrong with their marriage except for ME. Why isn't the "real" other woman, who actually had sex with him for ten years before I showed up, the one she heaps the blame on? Help!?

His wife's therapist had permission to speak to you about her?

March 14, 2013

No no no. She would just cite her therapist as her excuse for the stalking she was doing. She used his name so I just called his office and left a message. Which may have been creepy, but I was desperate and didn't want to bother with restraining orders and stuff.

March 14, 2013

No no no. She would just cite her therapist as her excuse for the stalking she was doing. She used his name so I just called his office and left a message. Which may have been creepy, but I was desperate and didn't want to bother with restraining orders and stuff.

Oh. Okay. I was confused.

Were you in regular communication with the wife? Or was this just reported by the husband to you?

March 14, 2013

The husband's report, but he showed me the message from her so I know he's not lying about it. As first he refused to confront her about her coming into my workplace because he didn't believe she'd do it, but when he did confront her about violating both of our private lives she said the therapist told her to do it, to provide evidence that the husband had "narcissistic personality disorder" and I had "borderline." Which I thought was either her lie or the result of a very irresponsible therapists.

March 14, 2013

are you really an adulteress? I would probably have to say "yes", at least if you are/were engaging in A w/a MM.

Did you save a man from a sexless miserable M? If everything you have written is, One Hundred Percent, w/out a shadow of doubt having substantiated evidence, then again, I'd probably say "yes" again.

I am sorry you are having to deal w/these consequences.

Is there any kind of support circle you can create to help buffer the constant onslaught of this very hurt & angry BW & her son?

March 14, 2013

Perhaps the husband was just trying to get me off track by giving me the name of her therapist? To make me look unstable? I don't know. These are the thoughts that run through my head at night sometimes.

March 14, 2013

Hey thanks for the words of support--I guess it's just very difficult for me to hold two contradictory truths about my character in my head at one time. I'm a sinner but not with bad intentions (this was not an affair of LUST, I'm certain of that! and I didn't take his money because his kids were in college and that's their tuition $). No support structure though because it's hard to explain my situation and I don't want people thinking I'm a horrible person. I've considered suicide many, many times though over the past couple of years, especially when the wife tells me I destroyed their childrens' "happy childhoods"--which rationally I know is impossible because I'm the same age as her children...

March 14, 2013

I agree with CominginHot.

But a series of bad decisions doesn't have to define you forever.

I suspect your exMM may have been throwing you to his betrayed wife to protect the other other woman.

And I think he played you, in multiple ways.

I am very sorry for your troubles. I imagine you are in great pain.

March 14, 2013

softsprite, what Decorative just posted is my fear as well.

It's really hard for an OW/OM to truly know what happens behind the closed doors of a M. All Anyone can do as BS/OW/OM/exOW & exOM is speculate & give our two cents based on our own experiences & what we have read here on LS.

And I have read A-LOT here about the OW/OM who trusted their mm/mw whole-heartedly only to find out that they were lying as much to them as to their BS.

The part about you being the same age as his children though? That kind of creeps me out, so I can kind of see why it would be a total find-muck ( ) to his kids and his W.

March 15, 2013

It's taking me a while to figure out these abbreviations! Thanks so much for being understanding and not brutally judgmental--that's an incredible relief to me. Obviously I'm working this out online because I just can't reveal the whole story to friends and family. I know he's quite good at hiding things, since he's been doing it for much of his marriage, so of course I'll never trust him. HOWEVER, about a year into all this mess he had a major heart attack and I was the one waiting around in the ICU and going for walks with him during his cardiac therapy afterward. He's also had arthritis for ten years, so I feel I can't in good conscience leave him at this point. I have to make these years worth something, restore my sense of honor...by giving up my youth, the possibility of having children, and the peace of being with someone I can trust. He wants to marry me and I'm fine with that, but if I wake up a widow at forty, and his kids still think I'm the devil and his wife still thinks I'm crazy, I'll probably actually lose my mind. Especially if I find out down the road that he wasn't really desperate, just one of those guys who has the celibate/saintly wife on one side and the mistress on the other and works well with that arrangement--there are lots of men out there with that complex, and they're mostly really detestable narcissists. I just don't know what to believe. But now I'm locked in I guess.

He is a wonderful friend though. Aside from the fact that he used me as a bit of a human shield through the disintegration of his marriage. Eh, forgive and forget.

Oh yeah, and the age difference IS a mind f*ck for everyone involved. It made it look so much worse than it is: Husband of 30 years leaves wife for 22 year old. But it's just so so much more complicated than that. At least, I hope it is. I really hope I'm not just an effort to reclaim his own lost youth...ugh. Whew! Feels good to type it all out.

March 15, 2013

soft sprite,

You talk of not trusting him, then risk giving up your youth, then hope it's not all for not...

I would recommend finding out EVERYTHING before you give the younger part of your life away. Once you know the WHOLE picture, you will be able to make these life decisions w/your eyes wide open. Hopefully at that point, you will have no regrets regardless of the final outcome because you made an informed decision.

Think. Who or what three or four individuals can you get the truth from at different angles & perspectives??

Oh and soft sprite, it is Not for me to judge you. I want you to know that regardless of whether I agree w/you or not, it's my responsibility to support you in an honest, sincere way so you get both the truth AND a different perspective so you can make an informed decision that you can LIVE with, not die with!!

So, chin up and let's get to work w/the LS crew to help you out*

March 15, 2013

Softsprite

You sound so sweet and sound like a good hearted young woman.

My maternal instincts have kicked in, and if you were my daughter i'd hate to see you mixed up in this situation.

It seems you have had a rough go in life, leaving an abusive relationship and then being brought in to a much older MM's problems and volatile breakup of his marriage and facing his angry children who are about the same age as you.

I hope that you leave these people to deal with their own problems, I hope you realize that you're so young and can have a better future than this dysfunction that's going on around you.

You have the chance to make a clean break, you are not a prisoner to these people problems or dysfunction.

You deserve much more than this.

March 15, 2013

I hate to bring this up but...

He stayed with her. He only left because she threw him out.

Which is fine, but...are you sure you want him?

March 15, 2013

Okay- you should know that second marriages with children involved have a higher than 75% divorce rate.

I did not realize you were intending on staying with him. Or that you were so young.

His behavior is alarming- and I think you need to think very carefully about what has happened with this ex-wife. He used you as a shield, and very likely protected his other other woman by using you.

Please proceed with caution. This is a very tricky situation to navigate, and it would be with the age difference alone. Add these other factors on top? It looks like a mountain.

He has cheated multiple times. You don't actually know what the truth of the situation is. You don't know the truth of her side of the story.

Be very very careful.

March 15, 2013

Furios, TwoSure & Decorative,

Who, if anyone, do you think SoftSprite can get a clearer picture of the M truth from, that won't cause her harm.?

March 15, 2013

Furios, TwoSure & Decorative,
Who, if anyone, do you think SoftSprite can get a clearer picture of the M truth from, that won't cause her harm.?

Gosh.

I am not sure. There's a lot of toxicity.

I need to think.

March 15, 2013

Wow, the board moves fast. Hey Furious--you have no idea how much your compassionate words mean to me. Thank you so much. I lost my own mother to drugs, and your post made me tear up a little.

Decorative--I'd actually be the third wife. She was the second. He left the first when he was maybe twenty two (possible explanation for the attraction to me, since I was the age he was when he abandoned his great first love?) and his marriage to his current wife actually began as an affair...so yeah, another red flag. 2sure, I really don't know what I'm doing. Trying to do the right thing at this point, but the "right thing" is elusive as it always has been. Conventional morality says I never should have done this in the first place, but I swear anyone with a heart would have taken pity on this man. He actually told me, "I just want to hold someone naked one last time before I die." What was I supposed to do? Ugh. But maybe I'm just a sucker. Like his last wife...and the one before that...

March 15, 2013

It's an even higher percentage if you're the third wife.

I just don't want you to make mistakes that take precious years away from you.

I'm 41. I cannot fathom being married to a man that is older than my father in law is. Which is what you are proposing.

This man is a serial cheater. He married a previous affair partner- and that failed and he repeatedly cheated on her. You are very unlikely to have a successful marriage.

March 15, 2013

Oh, and ComingInHot, I have talked to his other mistress (the one before me) who says he's a "great guy, really sad though" and spent time with his best friend, who I get along with famously and who thinks he's a good person...but they lost touch kind of during the marriage because the wife didn't like him, so I don't know if he can give a clear character analysis.

Should also add, since there is this age difference--I am NOT a gold digger, and if I were I'd be the stupidest gold digger who ever lived since he didn't have much in the beginning, and he's really giving away everything in the divorce. So. That's not factoring in at all. In fact, it's a real source of worry...like what if I end up having to take care of him when he's sick and frail WHILE I'm working full time and I can't make ends meet? What if I don't get enough life insurance $ to pay his late-stage medical bills, if the ex-wife takes her portion and runs with it & leaves me to handle all that with whatever little portion I get, if any? Ya know. There's a lot of practical stuff that wears on me. I'll have the responsibilities of a spouse without the rights of one...as I've experienced especially over the past year

March 15, 2013

Yeah, I know it's doomed. But if I get out now, then THAT will be weighing on my conscience on top of the adultery. I'll be the girl who left a sick old man, right?

March 15, 2013

Ok, first he is 50. Not much older than me and a few months ago I banged a guy not much older than you. Trust me ...it was not medically necessary.

March 15, 2013

Yeah, I know it's doomed. But if I get out now, then THAT will be weighing on my conscience on top of the adultery. I'll be the girl who left a sick old man, right?

No.

Flip that.

He's a sick old man who tried to take advantage of a young girl and hide behind her.

The shame is on him. not you

March 15, 2013

Yeah, I know it's doomed. But if I get out now, then THAT will be weighing on my conscience on top of the adultery. I'll be the girl who left a sick old man, right?

Let his kids take care of him.

March 15, 2013

2sure: first good laugh I've had in a long time. Thanks!

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