mortensorchid Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Those things are just ridiculous no matter what the case may be. Yes, it's for charity (as they all are, otherwise it would make you look pretty stupid if you didn't do it for a "noble cause", right?), but it's degrating. If wanted to find a way to contribute to the charity in question, I would ask to do something else other than be in that, even if it's just giving a donation. But if I were in said situation (now that she has told you), I would be a part of it, let others vote on me, then explain to the person who bought me that I was just part of it for the charity and I am not really going to have a get together outside of the event. I would actually be sure to explain that to the entire audience so as not to lead any of them on. But honestly, considering how complicated the entire situation is, I would just not be a part of it if I was attached to someone.
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Taking all the other issues out of the equation and dealing solely with the auction, I just don't see a big deal about it. We did a charity bachelor auction last year to raise money for our baseball team. We auctioned off the coach, two asst coaches, the GM, the radio announcer, and two single host dads. Nearly all of those guys have GF's, and the GF's didn't seem to mind the auction at all (nor did any of them win). They seemed to appreciate the fact that the money raised went towards supporting their guys' sports passion. A local restaurant even donated a $20 gift card towards each of the dates. No biggie. Geez, do people really get so upset that your GF might really eat a meal at a restaurant with another guy? One of our bachelors was bought by a married woman, and she and her husband went on the date. The head coach was bought by a 60+ volunteer who has been widowed for about 12 years. The entire night was a blast. Now, the other behaviors in the R would cause me much more angst than this. And I am sensing a whole lot of circuituous explanations from her for things that bother you. I.e It would be dumb to agree to be in a charity auction like this and to announce that you would only participate if your BF was the one who won the bidding; in that case, just donate, and let the competitive fundraising go to someone who is going for competition. I think she's prevaricating with you about this came about. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 We have not discussed it since last Sunday; the event is this Saturday. I will not be going if she asks. Mainly because she never talked to me about it prior (not to get my approval, just out of respect) and because she assumed I would be there, bidding on her, until I won. In essense, assuming how I chose to spend my money.
carhill Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I would strongly suggest that you communicate your perspective ('I will not be going') proactively and clearly and without intonation. If she asks why, tell her how you feel about the dynamic. 'Taken for granted' might be one adjective I'd use. 'I feel taken for granted'. If you rate high value to her, a dialogue may begin. If not, expect to be replaced. A woman like her can replace a man with a snap of her fingers. That's OK. Good luck. 1
ls32ssibm Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 We have not discussed it since last Sunday; the event is this Saturday. I will not be going if she asks. Mainly because she never talked to me about it prior (not to get my approval, just out of respect) and because she assumed I would be there, bidding on her, until I won. In essense, assuming how I chose to spend my money. I seriously hope you are prepared to end the relationship if she goes out with another man. If not, don't expect much respect or sympathy from the guys here. You may even get kicked out of the union.
KungFuJoe Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Babolat, Dude you need to move on. Seriously you do nothing but complain about this woman.
Author Babolat Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 We met last night to talk about my boundary with her staying in a hotel room with her male best friend, and other friends, when he comes to town. She said she will no longer stay in the hotel room after they have been out drinking and prefers actually to come to my house afterwards. She seemed excited about this and genuine. I then told her I was not going to her bachelorette auction this weekend, that I had made other plans. I told her this when she first announced it to me and I alos told her last Sunday. She got upset and hurt. She said she only did it to help her friend out, who runs the bar/restaurant and she made it clear to her friend her BF would be there and she would only do the auction if I won. She said she helped the girl come up with the idea, that no other woman were volunteering so she felt bad and that it was a package deal, meaning the winning bid got tickets to an event and dinner. She thought it was a great idea for us and for charity. She thought thw winning bid would be $50. She kept saying over and over nobody else will be bidding on me, just you. She said over and over and over she has no intentions of going on a date with another man, that it never even crossed her mind. I told her she should have talked to me first, provided me with all the details I now know, 2 weeks later, and she should not have assumed how I want to spend my money. She then said she would pay me back. Right now money is tight for her, I reminded her of that and she said she would figure it out. She was genuinely hurt and upset and even cried some. I kept asking her if she could understand how I felt, how I got littel pieces of information, after the fact, over the past 2 weeks. She kept sayiung "Yes, but" where the but was me blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I asked what if there was 1 man bidding on her with me; than what. She said that will not happen becaus she will make it clear I am the only one who can bid on her. She kept saying everyone knew I would be there and i would be bidding on her. She then said the exact thing I did not want to happen will now happen, she will have to go on a date with another man, and it's my fault. I quickly told her no, I do not accpept that, this was your decision, you own it, not me. I do believe in her heart this was completely innocent, she was trying to help a friend, she in her mind saw this as me being the only bidder and it would be a great way for us to have a night out and give to charity. The conversation did not end well. I got tierd of her not understanding my point and left.
Els Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Huh, my old college used to do bachelor/bachelorette auctions, and many of the students who participated had bfs/gfs. My bf-at-that-time actually participated and was bought by a co-ed group of his classmates. It was more of a 'for fun' thing, with the bidder usually considering the proceeds as a donation, not something that you can actually get a date out of. Most of the 'dates' that came about were actually group events, unless the two people involved were single (or together) and actually WANTED to date. The bachelor/ette is not actually under obligation to go out on a proper 1-on-1 date with the winner; one idiot guy bid with that intention in mind (forcing a girl who didn't reciprocate his affections to go out on a date with him) and she told him, "My friends are coming, or no deal." That being said, I agree that she should have asked you before she agreed, and you have every right to say no, given that she seems to be trying to strong-arm you into this. You aren't the only one blowing this out of proportion - she's taking this auction way too seriously and taking your declination way too harshly. As for her friend, if she was any sort of real friend she'd encourage your gf to pull out after all the trouble this little molehill is causing to your R. I also agree with KFJ - you have a lot of incompatibilities and issues with this woman. What is keeping both of you going?
ls32ssibm Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 We met last night to talk about my boundary with her staying in a hotel room with her male best friend, and other friends, when he comes to town. She said she will no longer stay in the hotel room after they have been out drinking and prefers actually to come to my house afterwards. She seemed excited about this and genuine. I then told her I was not going to her bachelorette auction this weekend, that I had made other plans. I told her this when she first announced it to me and I alos told her last Sunday. She got upset and hurt. She said she only did it to help her friend out, who runs the bar/restaurant and she made it clear to her friend her BF would be there and she would only do the auction if I won. She said she helped the girl come up with the idea, that no other woman were volunteering so she felt bad and that it was a package deal, meaning the winning bid got tickets to an event and dinner. She thought it was a great idea for us and for charity. She thought thw winning bid would be $50. She kept saying over and over nobody else will be bidding on me, just you. She said over and over and over she has no intentions of going on a date with another man, that it never even crossed her mind. I told her she should have talked to me first, provided me with all the details I now know, 2 weeks later, and she should not have assumed how I want to spend my money. She then said she would pay me back. Right now money is tight for her, I reminded her of that and she said she would figure it out. She was genuinely hurt and upset and even cried some. I kept asking her if she could understand how I felt, how I got littel pieces of information, after the fact, over the past 2 weeks. She kept sayiung "Yes, but" where the but was me blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I asked what if there was 1 man bidding on her with me; than what. She said that will not happen becaus she will make it clear I am the only one who can bid on her. She kept saying everyone knew I would be there and i would be bidding on her. She then said the exact thing I did not want to happen will now happen, she will have to go on a date with another man, and it's my fault. I quickly told her no, I do not accpept that, this was your decision, you own it, not me. I do believe in her heart this was completely innocent, she was trying to help a friend, she in her mind saw this as me being the only bidder and it would be a great way for us to have a night out and give to charity. The conversation did not end well. I got tierd of her not understanding my point and left. The bold portion is one of the dumbest things I've ever read....no words.
Author Babolat Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 The bold portion is one of the dumbest things I've ever read....no words. On the surface I agree with you. She is someone who has done this her entire life though. Get with a group of friends, go out, get a cab, end up back at one of their homes, party some more, crash for the night versus driving. In her eyes, her male best friend moved out of town, he comes back for visits, and the "home" is his hotel room. In fact, a bunch of her GFs are doing a sleepover Friday night to celebrate a birthday. He is in town this weekend, and she has already told him she is not going out with him/the gang. That may change now since I am not going to her auction.
Author Babolat Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Babolat, Dude you need to move on. Seriously you do nothing but complain about this woman. I would not call it complaining, though I understand your comment. It's more me trying to understand our differences. It's getting closer and closer to moving on for me. Last night, after she shared her thoughts on my boundary, I felt very close to her. Then we talked about the auction, I saw her tone, her frustration, her lack of trying to understand my point of view and just said to myself "screw it" and left.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 The best chance you have at turning this into a healthy, rewarding relationship is to develop a spine, which you finally did. Relationships require accommodation from both people. Until very recently when you finally said "no more," you seemed to be doing all the accommodating based on your threads. 1
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 What bothers me the most is she did not talk to me about it first and then assumed I would be there bidding on her, with my money. I am not happy about the "date" part, though I think I can get past that based on her explanation of it and how she views it. Well how is she going to tell you she "views it"? She going to tell you she thinks its going to be fun going on a date with another guy? Of course not. I'd just let her know you don't like it and she can do what she wants, but she'll be doing it knowing you aren't comfortable with it.
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Unfortunetly, I find that sometimes men who claim they have conservative values really mean they have conservative values for women while they are allowed to fully enjoy their sexuality at all times. Nope, not for me. I don't expect to behave in a particular way that I wouldn't want a partner also behaving. I'm one of those, I practice what I preach guys. Umm...*cough*, do you not think women have not had the same experiences? Do you not tink that sometimes..often..men do things that a woman has to step in and say, "How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot"? Do you believe men always act with the most compassion and thoughtfulness for their female partners? Ummm...*cough*, he is telling this from a male perspective to another male. This does not mean he, we, know that its the same on the other side of the coin. This is not a men vs. women thing. Now reading below its obvious you want to turn this into a gender war, so I'll respond anyway. Why do MANY men look at women dressed provocatively? Uncontrolled Lust Why do women bite their bottom lip when they see a man with his shirt off? Uncontrolled Lust. Works both ways. As for me, I don't look at a woman that way when dressed provocatively. To me it shouts conceit. Why do MANY men LOVE women that wear barely any clothes? Uncontrolled Lust Why do women love men with barely no clothes? Good Christian values? Why do MANY men hook up with lots of women? Uncontrolled Lust And who are all these women they are hooking up with?? I know women just as promiscuous. Why do MANy men do things to their SO they wouldn't want done to them? Uncontrolled lust. Well gee, I have yet to find a woman that didn't do what she wanted to do even if it bothered me. Should I generalize about all you women? Of course not. If you want a gender war, start a new thread and start out by identifying yourself as a misandrist. 2
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I seriously hope you are prepared to end the relationship if she goes out with another man. If not, don't expect much respect or sympathy from the guys here. You may even get kicked out of the union. Oh I can see this being a relationship breaker. The fact of the matter is, she didn't care to find out ahead of time if he would mind, and entered it anyway. I would support him if he decided not to continue the relationship with someone that puts themselves up for a dating auction without first seeing if it would bother her significant other. I sure as hell wouldn't do something like that, let alone do it without first seeing if a gf of mine would be comfortable with it. And someone else in this thread didn't help the argument much by saying it would be sexy and fun. Ya, for who?
Author Babolat Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Well how is she going to tell you she "views it"? She going to tell you she thinks its going to be fun going on a date with another guy? Of course not. I'd just let her know you don't like it and she can do what she wants, but she'll be doing it knowing you aren't comfortable with it. I think at this point she feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. She volunteered to do this to help a friend. She even gave the friend ideas on how to do make it better by offering as a part of the bid tickets to a show and dinner (I learned this last night). She truly thought I would be there bidding, and would be the only bidder. She said it will only be $50 at the most. Trust me on that one..I saw this in her words and her body language. I don't know why she does not expect any other bidders...she kept saying over and over and over she told the place I would be the only bidder and nobody else can or will bid on her. In fact, in her mind if I am not bidding nobody will be nor does she even expect anyone else to be there. I asked what happen if 5 men walk in, know nothing about the auction, see it, see her, and want to bid. She said they won't as I will be there and I am her BF. I feel like I am missing the details of this thing, though she does not want to take the time to tell me as she is too frustrated and as she says now I blew it out of proportion. animallover, the problem now is I already told her I would not be there. Last night, prior to seeing her, an old friend contacted me to go out for dinner and then go watch some NCAA basketball. I said yes. I am not going to back out on my friend to go to the auction. I have done that a lot in this relationship (canclled my plans to be with her) and it's time to take care of me. This will be the 3rd weekend in a row where I am doing what I want to do; and it feels great.
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 She said over and over and over she has no intentions of going on a date with another man, that it never even crossed her mind. What does she think she is being auctioned off for? Now if the rules were clear from the get go and it is just bidding for charity and no date was going to take place, then hey, sure, its all for fun and charity. If not and there is a date expected for the money, and she knew this, then she can't say she had no intentions of going on a date because it is expected. Actually, I'm thinking it should be the former. I can't see bidding and actually expecting a date. But I could be wrong. I kept asking her if she could understand how I felt, how I got littel pieces of information, after the fact, over the past 2 weeks. She kept sayiung "Yes, but" where the but was me blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Ya, of course YOU are blowing out of proportions in her mind. Because she is the one that did this without regard to how you would feel. I asked what if there was 1 man bidding on her with me; than what. She said that will not happen becaus she will make it clear I am the only one who can bid on her. I'm starting to smell bs here because she cannot make that call. What are they going to do, announce, "sorry, but only her boyfriend can bid on her." As if you are going to get in a bidding war with yourself. She then said the exact thing I did not want to happen will now happen, she will have to go on a date with another man, and it's my fault. Uh huh, why does this not surprise me? I quickly told her no, I do not accpept that, this was your decision, you own it, not me. I do believe in her heart this was completely innocent, she was trying to help a friend, she in her mind saw this as me being the only bidder and it would be a great way for us to have a night out and give to charity. Don't make excuses for her. She should have had the mind to tell the friend she'd love to help, but this is something that is touchy and needs to see if you are ok with it first. Perhaps if she had done that, you wouldn't be as upset about it, or even at all. The conversation did not end well. I got tierd of her not understanding my point and left. So basically you told her how you felt about it, but did not tell her she couldn't do it. And she gets mad? All too telling. I think she likes the idea of other guys bidding on her and she KNEW that going on a date would happen, although said it never crossed her mind. She must think you are dumb.
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I think at this point she feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. She volunteered to do this to help a friend. She even gave the friend ideas on how to do make it better by offering as a part of the bid tickets to a show and dinner (I learned this last night). She truly thought I would be there bidding, and would be the only bidder. So what would they have done, announced that nobody is allowed to bid on her but her boyfriend when she steps out on the catwalk? She said it will only be $50 at the most. Trust me on that one..I saw this in her words and her body language. I don't know why she does not expect any other bidders...she kept saying over and over and over she told the place I would be the only bidder and nobody else can or will bid on her. Then whats the point? Just give the charity the $50 and no need to parade her out for some rigged sideshow. In fact, in her mind if I am not bidding nobody will be nor does she even expect anyone else to be there. Then why do it? You are getting a bunch of excuses. I asked what happen if 5 men walk in, know nothing about the auction, see it, see her, and want to bid. She said they won't as I will be there and I am her BF. I feel like I am missing the details of this thing, though she does not want to take the time to tell me as she is too frustrated and as she says now I blew it out of proportion. Think about it. She says nobody will be bidding on her. Then she says nobody will bid on her as long as they know her BF is there bidding. Thats a load of bunk. And then she says she will be going on a date with a guy if you are not there to bid. But then says nobody will be there. Sorry, but she is throwing up a myriad of excuses hoping that you'll be there to bid, but when other guys start bidding she can say she honestly didn't know. Are you blowing it out of proportion? Maybe a little. But it doesn't change the fact that this isn't something she should just unilaterally do and not consider your comfort level with it ahead of time. If she wants to do it, tell her to do it. But if she is going out on a date with another guy, she owns that decision and owns whatever problems that might bring later. You go out and have fun. Try not to think about it. And perhaps just not be too excited to see her when she gets off her date with another guy. Hope it is worth it for her. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 So what would they have done, announced that nobody is allowed to bid on her but her boyfriend when she steps out on the catwalk? Then whats the point? Just give the charity the $50 and no need to parade her out for some rigged sideshow. Then why do it? You are getting a bunch of excuses. Think about it. She says nobody will be bidding on her. Then she says nobody will bid on her as long as they know her BF is there bidding. Thats a load of bunk. And then she says she will be going on a date with a guy if you are not there to bid. But then says nobody will be there. Sorry, but she is throwing up a myriad of excuses hoping that you'll be there to bid, but when other guys start bidding she can say she honestly didn't know. Are you blowing it out of proportion? Maybe a little. But it doesn't change the fact that this isn't something she should just unilaterally do and not consider your comfort level with it ahead of time. If she wants to do it, tell her to do it. But if she is going out on a date with another guy, she owns that decision and owns whatever problems that might bring later. You go out and have fun. Try not to think about it. And perhaps just not be too excited to see her when she gets off her date with another guy. Hope it is worth it for her. I have no intent to contact her again. She has all night party plans with her GFs Friday, the auction is Saturday, I will not be there, no plans made for Sunday. Party boy male best friend will be in town tomorrow thru the weekend, which she just told me last night, so my guess is she will go sing the blues with him and get drunk/wasted at some point on his dollar. She is on her own. 1
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I have no intent to contact her again. She has all night party plans with her GFs Friday, the auction is Saturday, I will not be there, no plans made for Sunday. Party boy male best friend will be in town tomorrow thru the weekend, which she just told me last night, so my guess is she will go sing the blues with him and get drunk/wasted at some point on his dollar. She is on her own. Plans to party all weekend. Sounds like she is real concerned about it all:rolleyes: So she still coming home to you after the auction? Or is she going to rub up against party boy's shoulders?
InJest Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Best thing you could do to this attention whore is to completely ignore her from now on. Don't officially break up with her, just disappear and stop responding. 1
KungFuJoe Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Dude just end it. I was with a girl like that before. Absolutely gorgeous and sexy...and crazy. They are a lot of fun, but they can drive you nuts. In my case, it escalated to where I ended up cursing her out in front of my friend while driving her home (I thought she was passed out drunk but apparently I was wrong). She heard every word I said and told me she didn't want to see me anymore. I honestly couldn't care less. I eventually found another absolutely gorgeous and sexy woman...but without the crazy. You'll find yours if you don't settle. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 It is not going to be me the one who tells you that you are not doing good by growing some spine and showing her your teeth for a change... but I do think it is going to end bad if you are not for her in the auction... sometimes pride can destroy a relationship.. .you are right and she is wrong... but is that going to make you as happy as being with her? If you want to be with her you will need to be strong but gentle! Show her you can be a loving partner while you also show her she needs to respect your boundaries... Sometimes you need to chose carefully which wars you want to win! If he goes, he's not asserting his boundaries, at all. I can't fathom how acquiescing to a trampled boundary will do the OP any good.
carhill Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 OP, apologies for skimming but, if you do not intend to be at the auction, you need to tell her that, either in person (better) or on the phone. Do not simply disappear. It's not about her. It's about you. Your honor and integrity. Definitely stick to your boundaries but be direct and a gentleman about it. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I guess he needs to understand that you can't win all the battles... what of the next cases would be a bigger problem for you ? a) Girlfriend goes to an auction and presents her self as single for a date (for charity reasons) where you are supposed to bid b) Girlfriend drinks with other guys and expend nights in hotels or houses with those guys... (she claims all platonic). If it would be me and basing the whole concept in the idea that he trust her and believe her... (I don't know her so I can't judge when she lies or not). I would rather prefer she stops behavior b and I will just eat behavior a... At the end of the day he needs to decide if he wants a relationship with her or not... if he wants it then he needs to do concessions too.. This isn't even a battle that should be fought. He shouldn't have to "eat" disrespectful behavior.
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