Girlfriend just told me she's in a bachelorette auction

[Babolat]

Man... she doesn't look really into you with her actions... she can say the world that she loves you but she acts like she doesn't... but if that is good enough for you... by all means... I wish you best of luck... but I think at this moment you are the world champion on naivete....

 

My eyes are wide open and though I understand how I can come across as naive, and she can come across as non-trusting/disrespectful on paper if you will on this forum, it's not that black and white having spent 12+ months with her.

 

I hear what the folks are saying here and I need to hear it. This post caused me to have the somewhat harsh/firm conversation I had with her yesterday. She knows what I am thinking now at a minimum.

[KungFuJoe]

Never EVER EVER try to change someone. People don't change except in very extreme cases.

[Sivok]

Question - do you spend alot of money on her?

[grkBoy]

Haven't been through all the pages, but if it's a girl I have been in a RL with for a year or more, I'd be ticked off by this.

 

I'd tell her if she wants me to make a donation to her charity, then I will (if I can afford it), but if she wants me to run in and bid on her, then I won't. I'd request she drop out of this, or we're done.

 

I love the people who think this is "sexy" or "fun" or "don't take it so seriously"...easy words until it's your significant other up there.

 

And yes, I'd break up over this. I'd even break up my engagement over this. It's disrespectful. I'd rather be alone than put up with that kind of childish crap.

 

Plus I'd be irked that somehow she can blatantly think I would just drop everything to spend my hard-earned money on her charity. What if my money was tight and I couldn't spare the cash? What if I didn't agree with the charity? What if I just want to be a cold greedy bastard and buy myself some luxuries or something with my money?

 

Again...disrespectful. She assumes she can dictate what you'll spend your money on.

[Babolat]

Question - do you spend alot of money on her?

 

Not knowing your definition of a lot, I can't answer well. She is barely making ends meet at this point as she left a bad relationship 1.5 years ago, gave up her job, moved, and it's taking her a while to get settled and find a new job, where she took a 60% pay cut.

 

I pay when we go out, she offers when she can though I usually say No and pay as I know she really cannot afford to pay.

 

I do not help her financially at all and I have told her I will not, and she has never asked.

[Babolat]

Babolat, are you happy with the situation as it is with your girlfriend? If you are the whole thread is meaningless and you should just enjoy the relationship as it is...

Are you not happy with it? then what is what buggs you about it? and more important what are you going to do about it?

 

This discussion has helped me realize I am not 100% happy, no, and some things need to change in order for us to move forward, and I told her that Sunday.

 

We were suppose to talk more last night, she screwed that up with poor communication (really no communication) so I made other plans and did not go see her. She apologized for the miscommunication, I said OK, good night.

 

Emotionally I am starting to withdrawal, I know that. It's just a lot of chaos and drama and a lot to deal with. She is who she is, she's not willing to compromise or make the changes she says she wants to make, I need to accept that, which I am starting to.

[Babolat]

We had one of our best talks ever last night.

 

We have had a lot of miscommunication, misunderstanding, hurt, pain, anger, frustration, etc over the past 6 months. She reminded me of a lot of things I have shared with her about my previous relationships, things that stuck in her head and caused her to communicate differently with me; same with me.

 

Regarding the male friend, she said she was not aware how uncomfortable I was with it and she now gets it. I have talked about it, asked questions to understand though she has never heard my real message as honstly I never delivered it until now.

 

She in her heart sese this as going out with the girls, he has always been kind of one of the girls and it's never never been a sexual/romantic thing. They are good friends, the others that go out are all good firneds, 10+ years of history together. And it's not just her and him in the room (this has only happened 2 times in 12+ months). It's any of the other friends who do not feel safe driving home. Again, when he lived in the area the party usually ended up at his house. Just so happens his house now, when in town, is a large hotel room with 2 beds. She wants me there with her though she knows I am not comfortable partying like that. And she has invited me.

 

She has felt like we are breaking up/getting back together a lot recently, which is why she has been kind of withdrawing a bit, thus some of her actions/behaviors last week. I have been doing the same. She truly wants more from me, more time, more of a committment, more support. And she is right I have not been giving this to her as I sit back and try to decide if our drinking differences is a deal breaker. I am still not sure. She said she feels like I think she is an alcoholic, which she is not based on my research. She simply likes to catch a nice buzz/get tipsy more than I do.

 

She apologized for not fully understanding how her staying in a room with her male friend affected me. To her credit, I never told her the way I have over the past few days as I did not want to come across as being controlling. To her it's normal, it's safe, it's not risky or sexual, it's hanging out with good friends.

 

We have a lot more talking to do for sure.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Babolat

[ls32ssibm]

We had one of our best talks ever last night.

 

We have had a lot of miscommunication, misunderstanding, hurt, pain, anger, frustration, etc over the past 6 months. She reminded me of a lot of things I have shared with her about my previous relationships, things that stuck in her head and caused her to communicate differently with me; same with me.

 

Regarding the male friend, she said she was not aware how uncomfortable I was with it and she now gets it. I have talked about it, asked questions to understand though she has never heard my real message as honstly I never delivered it until now.

 

She in her heart sese this as going out with the girls, he has always been kind of one of the girls and it's never never been a sexual/romantic thing. They are good friends, the others that go out are all good firneds, 10+ years of history together. And it's not just her and him in the room (this has only happened 2 times in 12+ months). It's any of the other friends who do not feel safe driving home. Again, when he lived in the area the party usually ended up at his house. Just so happens his house now, when in town, is a large hotel room with 2 beds. She wants me there with her though she knows I am not comfortable partying like that. And she has invited me.

 

She has felt like we are breaking up/getting back together a lot recently, which is why she has been kind of withdrawing a bit, thus some of her actions/behaviors last week. I have been doing the same. She truly wants more from me, more time, more of a committment, more support. And she is right I have not been giving this to her as I sit back and try to decide if our drinking differences is a deal breaker. I am still not sure. She said she feels like I think she is an alcoholic, which she is not based on my research. She simply likes to catch a nice buzz/get tipsy more than I do.

 

She apologized for not fully understanding how her staying in a room with her male friend affected me. To her credit, I never told her the way I have over the past few days as I did not want to come across as being controlling. To her it's normal, it's safe, it's not risky or sexual, it's hanging out with good friends.

 

We have a lot more talking to do for sure.

 

 

Sounds like she made it all about her and what she wants...again.

 

 

You seem may too intelligence and considerate for this thoughtless girl. Oh, I forgot, she's hot.

[Babolat]

Sounds like she made it all about her and what she wants...again.

 

 

You seem may too intelligence and considerate for this thoughtless girl. Oh, I forgot, she's hot.

 

I hear you. She wanted to have sex last night and I said no, not until we work all this out. She even said no sex at all in the future? I said correct, not until we work this out, or not. She agreed.

 

How is she being thoughtless?

[Babolat]

Babolat... Babolat... She didn't understand that sleeping with a male friend alone (even when it may have been only two times) who actually usually needs to brag about women... could be something that annoys you??? Where does she live in disneyland?

She can't understand how you don't like that she gets drunk every weekend? She really thinks it is a normal thing to do?

 

I don't know why I keep answering here because you don't see pass her hotness

 

I appreciate your feedback. It's been helpful. I am not saying I am going to marry this girl. We have our differences, and our challenges. One day I want to work on it, the next I do not. I have given her a lot to think about, as she has me.

 

I was reading another thread on here earlier where a female replied:

 

"Waffling behavior like this would chip away at ANYONE'S security and my ex did the same thing to me, and he did it to me so he could make me into what HE wanted. He didn't want a girlfriend who was herself, he wanted to mold me into a person who spoke a certain way and acted a certain way in front of his friends. And if I didn't live up to that expectation he had, he would do the same thing OP's boyfriend is doing. Threatening a break up.

After a while you're so insecure, you're so low, you feel so worthless that you start believe YOU'RE the problem, YOU'RE the issue, YOU'RE the one who has ruined the relationship, YOU'RE the one who has to change, YOU'RE the reason for everything. That's where the OP is heading. "

 

This is almost workd for word what my gf said to me last night about how she is feeling about us. So, though she has issues, I have been no saint here nor have I been treating her well emotionally. She told me she feels like she needs to live up to my standards, that she is not good enough, that she needs to change. She said if she did not see so much good in us she would have left a while ago.

 

I do see past her hotness, geez, I turned down a night of sex last night, never done that before. And, she is not alone in the room. She has made that clear. She is there with other GFs.

 

I asked questions about it though I never expressed how I felt about it, never, not until this post and then talking this weekend. Again, for her this is normal and not unusual. I am not going to judge her for what she feels is normal behavior. Would I do it? No. I talked to her about that last night. She said as she has explained her relationship with him to me she would have no issues with me doing it under identical circumstances. I am not going to judge her for feeling that way.

 

She does not get drunk every weekend either. She likes to drink most weekends, but not to the point of being drunk. Sometimes its a couple glasses of wine, sometimes its one, sometimes is a few more over a longer period of time, sometimes she does shots as she does not like mixed drinks nor does she like beer.

 

And, now that I have expressed my concern, she is saying "I understand". At first she did not.She kept saying it's platonic, he is a friend, we went out drinking, it was smarter to stay there than try to drive home at 3 or 4 in the morning, or bother me to come get her or have a cab drop her off and wake me up.

 

It's probably because I have never said anything and probably because her previous BFs were OK with it (though my guess is the hotel room was not an issue with previous BFs as her male friend lived local then).

 

I have met this guy, he is a dorky dude and his need for attention, low self esteem jumps out. I trust her 100%, always have and always will. I just don't like the environment, mainly the drinking. And I do not like that she does this, she knows this now and it's up to her to decide what she wants to do.

 

I also want to repeat she has always included/invited me to go out with them, so it's not like she is hiding anything from me. And she has always been very honest with me, even when she knows it may be something i do not want to hear.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

In any way I have told you that you should change your girlfriend... why would you do that... she is your girlfriend because who she is..

But other totally different thing are her habits... we all change when we go into a relationship... when I am single I am more flirty and open for female attention.. I have much more physical contact and my way of behaving is totally different than when I am in a relationship... why? It all comes to respect, I know if I engage in certain kind of behavior my girlfriend would not feel comfortable so I maintain a high level of communication with her so we both understand where are our boundaries. Did I change my character? Definitely not! Did I change my habits? Totally... a relationship can really survive if both partners keep the habits as they were when they were singles... what actually changed is the fact that you are not in a relationship...there are people who are ready to be in one and people who obviously are not ready...

 

You say you trust your girlfriend 100%, I am happy you do.. trust is important in a relationship... but as Ronald Reagan said ... trust but verify!

 

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool... never forget that... Trust is something that people need to gain, it should never be for free and it should never be blind... This forum infidelity and cheating sections are full of histories of people who trusted 100% their partners... you should have some reading over there maybe it would open your eyes!

 

By the way, I am not trying to imply that you should stop a relationship with this girl... but I do think you really need to set a much more strong boundaries if you really want to have a serious relationship with her...

 

Well said, and I agree, 100%.

 

Our communication and boundary setting has been poor, actually non-existant. Mostly out of fears, miscommunication and misunderstandings. We both agreed to that yesterday.

[irc333]

Yeah, when you object to your g/f doing this, then you're some jerk that doesn't know how to have 'fun"

 

I get a kick out of how people define "fun".

 

 

Haven't been through all the pages, but if it's a girl I have been in a RL with for a year or more, I'd be ticked off by this.

 

I'd tell her if she wants me to make a donation to her charity, then I will (if I can afford it), but if she wants me to run in and bid on her, then I won't. I'd request she drop out of this, or we're done.

 

I love the people who think this is "sexy" or "fun" or "don't take it so seriously"...easy words until it's your significant other up there.

 

And yes, I'd break up over this. I'd even break up my engagement over this. It's disrespectful. I'd rather be alone than put up with that kind of childish crap.

 

Plus I'd be irked that somehow she can blatantly think I would just drop everything to spend my hard-earned money on her charity. What if my money was tight and I couldn't spare the cash? What if I didn't agree with the charity? What if I just want to be a cold greedy bastard and buy myself some luxuries or something with my money?

 

Again...disrespectful. She assumes she can dictate what you'll spend your money on.

[nofool4u]

Men, how would you feel? Ladies, what am I missing here?

 

Oh I don't know. I guess unless it happens to me I'm not sure how I'd feel about it. On the surface it looks harmless.

 

But the other side of the coin is, although she says she will not be going home with them, I'm assuming some sort of date is involved.

 

I guess the only thing that might throw up a red flag is she entered FIRST, then after telling you about it said you could bid on her. Perhaps hoping you don't call her bluff. I'm assuming if you didn't go bid that she would have to go on some sort of date with whoever "bought" her?

[Babolat]

Oh I don't know. I guess unless it happens to me I'm not sure how I'd feel about it. On the surface it looks harmless.

 

But the other side of the coin is, although she says she will not be going home with them, I'm assuming some sort of date is involved.

 

I guess the only thing that might throw up a red flag is she entered FIRST, then after telling you about it said you could bid on her. Perhaps hoping you don't call her bluff. I'm assuming if you didn't go bid that she would have to go on some sort of date with whoever "bought" her?

 

That's my guess

[Babolat]

In any way I have told you that you should change your girlfriend... why would you do that... she is your girlfriend because who she is..

But other totally different thing are her habits... we all change when we go into a relationship... when I am single I am more flirty and open for female attention.. I have much more physical contact and my way of behaving is totally different than when I am in a relationship... why? It all comes to respect, I know if I engage in certain kind of behavior my girlfriend would not feel comfortable so I maintain a high level of communication with her so we both understand where are our boundaries. Did I change my character? Definitely not! Did I change my habits? Totally... a relationship can really survive if both partners keep the habits as they were when they were singles... what actually changed is the fact that you are not in a relationship...there are people who are ready to be in one and people who obviously are not ready...

 

You say you trust your girlfriend 100%, I am happy you do.. trust is important in a relationship... but as Ronald Reagan said ... trust but verify!

 

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool... never forget that... Trust is something that people need to gain, it should never be for free and it should never be blind... This forum infidelity and cheating sections are full of histories of people who trusted 100% their partners... you should have some reading over there maybe it would open your eyes!

 

By the way, I am not trying to imply that you should stop a relationship with this girl... but I do think you really need to set a much more strong boundaries if you really want to have a serious relationship with her...

 

I have read some of your posts on other threads here. I think your advise is great, though I disagree with you on one thing.

 

Just because a woman or man puts themselve in a position where they could cheat, does not mean they will cheat. I personally believe, even when you are drunk, your morals and values shine thru. If you need the alcohol/checmical to cheat, then you are a cheater, regardless.

 

If a woman goes to a male strip club, drinks, gets crazy and blows a stripper, well, she has issues prior and cannot be trusted. If a man goes on a "brocation" with his buds where there will be lots of temptation, and he cheats, well, he is a cheater. The alcohol and temptation combinded does not mean one cannot trust their partner. I do not subscribe to the alcohol caused them to do it. They had it in the prior, the alcohol just lowered their inhibitions.

 

I do trust my gf. I am not excited about the environments she ends up in when she drinks heavy sometimes, but I do trust her. The simple fact that she is drinking and in a room with a male friend does not she will blow him or have sex.

[nofool4u]

It sounds sexy, sweet, and fun to me.

 

Ya, thats what everyone wants to hear, that their significant other puts themselves in situations where its sexy to think about going on a date with someone else.

 

So you think Babolat should be thrilled that his gf might think external male validation and dating is sexy and fun? Really?

[Babolat]

You have all the right to think what you want about trust, and trust 100% blindly your girlfriend... If it works for you go ahead with it... my only advise there is trust but verify!

 

I think trust is one of the foundations in a relationship but I don't think trust is something you can give for free... trust is something that needs to be earned... as I have said before just have a look to the infidelity and cheating sections... you will find plenty of people who gave their 100% trust to people and were wrong!

 

I think everyone with the right setting and situation could be susceptible to cheat, wise people avoid that kind of settings... for that in a relationship we have something called boundaries.

 

A relationship only works if both of the partners are comfortable with the other person actions and behavior... often it is not even about the cheating itself... it is about doing something voluntarily that you know would make uncomfortable the person you are in a relationship with. If you love someone why would you push that person boundaries?

 

I am not going to speak even about infidelity... what about respect? How it is respectful for a person to do something that their partner would disapprove and feel very uncomfortable with? It is not putting your own enjoyment above of the well being of the person you claim to love?

 

Then there are also those people who just trust because they don't want to see the truth... they know there are things that are not really fitting the reality of the relationship but they chose not to see...

I said it before and I repeat it here the trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool...

 

Blind trust is another kind of stupidity...

 

I hear you, all good points.

 

Someting to remember in my case: I never set boundaries around this. I did not want to come across as controlling when it came to her best male friend. I also trusted her yet I was uncomfortable with it.

 

I have now told her how this one male friend and the environement they are in (drinking, partying, drug use sometimes, hotel rooms, late nights at bars, etc) makes me uncomfortable and it's a boundary for me. She has yet to bring it back up. If she does not soon, I will.

[Babolat]

Ya, thats what everyone wants to hear, that their significant other puts themselves in situations where its sexy to think about going on a date with someone else.

 

So you think Babolat should be thrilled that his gf might think external male validation and dating is sexy and fun? Really?

 

What bothers me the most is she did not talk to me about it first and then assumed I would be there bidding on her, with my money. I am not happy about the "date" part, though I think I can get past that based on her explanation of it and how she views it.

[MidwestUSA]

Is the auction still on? I find it odd that she told you it would be announced that you were her BF and that there would not actually be a "date". What's the point? You get outbid, but the winner doesn't get a date? I'm not following, and the whole explanation she gave you sounds like a bunch of BS.

 

Frankly, you have managed to justify all of her actions because you didn't set those boundaries with her up front. As others have said, respect is something that should not have to be defined. Making it YOUR problem that her drinking bothers YOU. By YOUR research, she's not an alcoholic. I encourage you to look up some other definitions. What about the other drugs? This is all acceptable? Not to even go into the sharing of a hotel room. Maybe you think her moral compass is intact, but her common sense and givea****aboutwhatanyoneelsethinksorfeels factor are in the toilet.

 

 

If there is another woman in the auction, I suggest you bid on her. Make sure your GF knows it was "all in fun and for charity".

[ls32ssibm]

Girlfriend just told me she's in a bachelorette auction

 

 

Just had a thought. I wonder how serious she views you two anyway. I'm stating the obvious by saying she isn't a bachelorette.

 

 

According to you, anyway. She probably feels differently.

[chucksagent]

 

Just had a thought. I wonder how serious she views you two anyway. I'm stating the obvious by saying she isn't a bachelorette.

 

 

 

LOL - ls32ssibm - This was my IMMEDIATE thought too hahaha Hilarious!

 

This is the world we live in today ladies and gentlemen....I hope all the "liberal" fun seekers are thrilled with their decisions.

 

Synonym for LIBERAL is HYPOCRITE.

 

I am a total independent, but I respect and lean toward conservative VALUES when it comes to stuff like this. Don't complicate simple stuff (K.I.S.S.) - she is NOT single, so she should NOT be in an auction for single woman. Stupidity.

 

Dude, one thing I have dealt with in EVERY relationship I have EVER had....and ALL of my male friends have too...Is we ALWAYS have to at one time or another say "How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel if I was doing an auction and another woman could win an evening with me?"

 

If she says she wouldn't care, she is a lair and/or a person with a clouded value system and you should run NOT walk away.

 

Its soooooooooooooo simple and I don't even agree with it because of religious reasons but "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you."

 

How hard is that to follow???? You supposedly "love" or at least "care" about

this person, why would you want to participate in an activity that is cruel to them, hurtful, will make them jealous and insecure. "Because I am a girl who LOVES any kind of attention I can get!" (is probably the true answer)

 

Why do MANY women dress slutty? Attention.

Why do MANY women LOVE drama? Attention.

Why do MANY women hook up with lots of dudes? Attention.

Why do MANY women hang out with ugly chicks instead of hot? Attention.

Why do MANY women do things to their SO they wouldn't want done to them? Attention.

 

It's the life blood for many women....NOT ALL WOMEN, so feminists save your breath, NOT ALL WOMEN do this, but many do.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I am a total independent, but I respect and lean toward conservative VALUES when it comes to stuff like this....

 

Unfortunetly, I find that sometimes men who claim they have conservative values really mean they have conservative values for women while they are allowed to fully enjoy their sexuality at all times.

 

Dude, one thing I have dealt with in EVERY relationship I have EVER had....and ALL of my male friends have too...Is we ALWAYS have to at one time or another say "How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot"

 

Umm...*cough*, do you not think women have not had the same experiences? Do you not tink that sometimes..often..men do things that a woman has to step in and say, "How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot"? Do you believe men always act with the most compassion and thoughtfulness for their female partners?

 

Sorry, but that's not just something you and your male friends experience...Dude.

 

 

Why do MANY men look at women dressed provocatively? Uncontrolled Lust

Why do MANY men LOVE women that wear barely any clothes? Uncontrolled Lust

Why do MANY men hook up with lots of women? Uncontrolled Lust

why do MANY men hang out with betas instead of other alphas? Uncontrolled Lust

Why do MANy men do things to their SO they wouldn't want done to them? Uncontrolled lust.

 

It's the life blood for many women....NOT ALL WOMEN, so feminists save your breath, NOT ALL WOMEN do this, but many do.

 

MANY! All! MANY! ALL! MANY! ALL! WHO DO WE APPRECIATE! FEMINSTS! FEMINSTS! YAAAAAY FEMINISTS!

[chucksagent]

Disenchantedly - Now we are getting somewhere...That's called REAL talk...not "feel good" talk. You are right about men. As I've said on here before; men AND women both have strengths and weaknesses. We both pointed out many of the others weaknesses. It just is what it is. See, I read what you wrote and think, "Wow, that's well said." Many feminists read what I wrote and say "KILLLLL HIM!!! He's crazy!!! Women don't like attention!!!!" When the reality is, many men allow lust to control them and many women allow attention to control them.

 

And perhaps I was wrong to not include that men act hypocritical too. My views are skewed because I've had the same tight knit group of friends since we were 14 and we've only grown our group. We are moslty good guys (no divorces, no abandoned kids, ZERO infidelity) and we really try to be our best for our women (some of us TOO much so, but that's another post lol {friend being used by woman who doesnt return as much affection/attention}).

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Disenchantedly - Now we are getting somewhere...That's called REAL talk...not "feel good" talk. You are right about men. As I've said on here before; men AND women both have strengths and weaknesses. We both pointed out many of the others weaknesses. It just is what it is. See, I read what you wrote and think, "Wow, that's well said." Many feminists read what I wrote and say "KILLLLL HIM!!! He's crazy!!! Women don't like attention!!!!" When the reality is, many men allow lust to control them and many women allow attention to control them.

 

I agree with you up until you said "it just is what it is". If things are just what they are, there is no point in talking or trying to improve relationships between men and women. But I don't fundementally believe that it just has to be what it is. Both men and women are capable of becoming more sensitive, caring, giving and understanding toward the other gender. We do not have to think about ourselves first. We do not have to be driven by lust or attention. I know MANY women that do not seek attention. And because they don't do the obvious things to get attention, men, even "good guys" pass them by for the more obvious choice.

 

I also will disagree with you about "feminists". There are good feminists and there are bad feminists. There are good people and there are bad people. There are good women and bad women..there are good men and bad men. I don't like to demonize "feminists" because feminists are an all encompassing bad group.

 

 

And perhaps I was wrong to not include that men act hypocritical too. My views are skewed because I've had the same tight knit group of friends since we were 14 and we've only grown our group. We are moslty good guys (no divorces, no abandoned kids, ZERO infidelity) and we really try to be our best for our women (some of us TOO much so, but that's another post lol {friend being used by woman who doesnt return as much affection/attention}).

 

Post more! I'd like to hear more of your experiences. Especially because you and your friends are good guys. I am tired of hearing about bad boys or men that only want to sleep with women or men that way to pay women to sleep with them them.

[chucksagent]

Hijack?

 

The problem has been solved!

 

She isn't single so she shouldn't do it.

 

If she demands to do it, she's not worth stressing about. Bottom line.