wheream_i Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Well, she is gorgeous, could be a model. She has male friends who like to take her to dinner, lunch, out for drinks, which I have tolerated. This though is almost a bit too much. Bwhaaahaaaa! Wait, what? Okay, upon first reading your OP, I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. A committed woman putting herself up for auction? Yes, I thought typical idiotic female needing attention and validation. Then I thought about the charity part of it. Still a stupid idea for women to "auction" themselves off but hey, whatever. Then I read the above quote. Your gf has males who take her out for dinner, drinks, etc? Yeah, I don't think so. I don't know whether to say you don't deserve each other or the opposite, that you two deserve each other. Too funny.
wheream_i Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Ohh but you have not read the best of it... when his girlfriend sleeps with her guy friend in the same room in a hotel... every time her guy friend comes to town for a visit she goes to sleep with him..... but is all platonic... Yeah, I skipped all the pages in between. Whores will be whores but you gotta love guys like this who put up with it.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Ohh but you have not read the best of it... when his girlfriend sleeps with her guy friend in the same room in a hotel... every time her guy friend comes to town for a visit she goes to sleep with him..... but is all platonic... ...or better still, that she goes away for the weekend to visit this guy friend, leaving the BF behind, of course.
Author Babolat Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) We just had a very long talk. Regarding Friday night going out with her GFs, she did not include me as it was a smokey bar with loud music. The last time she invited me to the same place I got pissy with her as i did not want to be there. I was rude and mean to her because of it. So she said she did not want to deal with that again, even though she did invite me to join her Friday night but I said no. Regarding the bachelorette auction, all of the communication was over text. Today was our first time we talked in person. She was at the restaurant for a networking event, they asked her about it, she said only if my BF is the only one who can bid on me, would she do it. She said if there were other bidders she would tell them to make it clear she has BF, he is here and she is not going on the date. By asking me over text "you will bid on me right" she was making sure i was going to show up. She said she has no intentions on going on the date and actually assumed nobody would even be there bidding as it's a small event. She said it was a quick conversation, she thouht it would be a fun way to give to charity and assumed I understood the messages in her texts. Regarding her best male friend,drinking and staying in the hotel room. She reminded me that she has invited me to go out with them and I don't. She also remined me that I have said I do not like to stay out late drinking, which I don't. I asked what her previous BF did and she said he did go out and he stayed in the room with them if they were out of town. I asked who is in the room with them. She said it's just her, her best male friend and sometimes some of their other mutual female friends. He is truly viewed as "one of the girls". Having met him I can see this. He is kind of a dork, nothing to look at, nice guy, a bit inmature, and needs to brag about woman. She said it's who he is, she accepts him for it and they have never been anything but platonic. She said in her eyes it's her going out for a night of drinking with her GFs, and he is just one of them. It's a hotel now, for the year, as he lives out of town. He used to live in town, no hotels then. He had a big house here then and if it went late or folks drank to much they crashed at his place. We both agreed there has been a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding about the bachorlette thing and the hotel room/best male friend. Yes, it feels bad, however she has told me I am welcome to join them. It's her girls night. Edited March 17, 2013 by Babolat
StanMusial Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 We just had a very long talk. Regarding Friday night going out with her GFs, she did not include me as it was a smokey bar with loud music. The last time she invited me to the same place I got pissy with her as i did not want to be there. I was rude and mean to her because of it. So she said she did not want to deal with that again, even though she did invite me to join her Friday night but I said no. Regarding the bachelorette auction, all of the communication was over text. Today was our first time we talked in person. She was at the restaurant for a networking event, they asked her about it, she said only if my BF is the only one who can bid on me, would she do it. She said if there were other bidders she would tell them to make it clear she has BF, he is here and she is not going on the date. By asking me over text "you will bid on me right" she was making sure i was going to show up. She said she has no intentions on going on the date and actually assumed nobody would even be there bidding as it's a small event. She said it was a quick conversation, she thouht it would be a fun way to give to charity and assumed I understood the messages in her texts. Regarding her best male friend,drinking and staying in the hotel room. She reminded me that she has invited me to go out with them and I don't. She also remined me that I have said I do not like to stay out late drinking, which I don't. I asked what her previous BF did and she said he did go out and he stayed in the room with them if they were out of town. I asked who is in the room with them. She said it's just her, her best male friend and sometimes some of their other mutual female friends. He is truly viewed as "one of the girls". Having met him I can see this. He is kind of a dork, nothing to look at, nice guy, a bit inmature, and needs to brag about woman. She said it's who he is, she accepts him for it and they have never been anything but platonic. She said in her eyes it's her going out for a night of drinking with her GFs, and he is just one of them. It's a hotel now, for the year, as he lives out of town. He used to live in town, no hotels then. He had a big house here then and if it went late or folks drank to much they crashed at his place. We both agreed there has been a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding about the bachorlette thing and the hotel room/best male friend. Yes, it feels bad, however she has told me I am welcome to join them. It's her girls night. I understand she is good-looking, but seriously do you think you and her are a good match?
Author Babolat Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Bwhaaahaaaa! Wait, what? Okay, upon first reading your OP, I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. A committed woman putting herself up for auction? Yes, I thought typical idiotic female needing attention and validation. Then I thought about the charity part of it. Still a stupid idea for women to "auction" themselves off but hey, whatever. Then I read the above quote. Your gf has males who take her out for dinner, drinks, etc? Yeah, I don't think so. I don't know whether to say you don't deserve each other or the opposite, that you two deserve each other. Too funny. I should clarify. She has 3 good male friends, 1 lives in the area, 2 live out of town. In 12 months she has had dinner once, lunch once and drinks once with the local friend. On all 3 occassions she told me, same day, and I saw her the same night. The 1 out of town friend has been in town once since I have known her. They met for lunch and she told me about it ahead of time. The other is the male friend I refereneced earlier. He is the type that likes to pay for everything, even when i went out with him. H emakes good money and I think it makes him feel good to pay and he probably enjoys the attention of paying. That is my impression. Money is tight for her right now so he pays. She said when she was making good money years ago she paid as much as he did.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I have not seen her since Tuesday. We were suppose to meet Friday to talk, she ended up going out for happy hour with GFs then to a bar with GFs to watch a band play. When asked if i could meet her out, she said "you could but I do not have the energy to talk". I told her to have a great night. Was suppose to meet again last night to talk. I just got more and more pissed as the day went on, I cancelled on her, which I have never done, and went out with some friends. We are supposed to talk today. I told her I need to talk to her. My plan is to talk about boundaries, how all this makes me uncomfortable, then walk away if she is not willing to meet me 1/2 way or do "something" to show this relatinship means that much to her and she is willing to work with me, us. We talked about boundaries. She understands how I feel. I told her no more nights in the hotel with her male best friend. She said she understands how I feel but that it's not like that, and she would love for me to go out with her when they go out, and if there is too much drinking stay at the hotel with them, or I could drive her back to my home. We left it at that and she said she wants to think on it.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) I understand she is good-looking, but seriously do you think you and her are a good match? That is a great question. We have a very strong connection, we both agree on that. We have a lot of good. She is one of the first woman I have ever felt this close to and this affectionate with (I have issues with intimacy and getting close). Truly, the only "issue" is my issue with drinking or what I perceive as a drinking problem with her. This is not the first time I have had this "issue" with a girl I get serious with. My ex liked to drink 1-2 glasses of wine a night and occassionaly a little more on the weekends. And from time to time she got drunk. It drove me nuts. It's probably comes from being raised by an alcoholic father. I am attending al alon meetings (1 so far) and have been reading some books on the subject. I should add, last night I went out with a group, ended up hanging out with 5 girls and me, I drank 5 beers, had a little buzz. No flirting, just fun socializing. There were 2 other girls there I did not know that were flirting with me. I shared this with her and she was fine with it as I have told her who these girls are and she has met a few of them. So, I like to drink too, I like to socialize, and sometimes i do feel like the pot calling the kettle black when it comes to drinking. I asked her how she would feel if I stayed in a hotel room with one of thes girls. She said as I have explained the friendship she would be ok with it especially if we had been drinking and it meant being safe/not driving. Edited March 18, 2013 by Babolat
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Well, she's probably not a hooker, the most I would expect any girl to commit to at the end of the date is a hug or kiss on the cheek, if she goes further than that, then you've got a problem. Until then I wouldn't worry about it, ahve some faith in her. Though, she shouldn't put you on the spot like that, having to donate AND win. I would almost think it would be worth it to lose and force her to go on a date with a sweaty loser. Decide beforehand what you would be willing to pledge, if somebody goes over that, bummer for her. She assumed I would be the only one bidding. I asked her why she assumed that and she said because they would announce I was there, i am her BF and she does not expect anyone to realy be there except for significant others. It's a small place, it's not being advertised. She said she really did not give it much thought and told them when they asked her her only condition was that I win the date.
ls32ssibm Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You clearly have issues with her behavior or you wouldn't be posting about it here That whole "only if my boyfriend can bid on me" is the excuse, not the main reason. There are other ways to donate to charity. Hell, any charity will accept a check. Get over how hot she is and get some respect for yourself. It really is a rookie mistake.
chex Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Not showing up could probably be attractive. She'll see you as harder to hold on to, more unpredictable, surprising, sexy. Cash in on that.
amazingdrummer Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 good luck, in case you lose the bid, don't forget to tell us if she makes a new "platonic" friendship with the winner. Just kidding. That girl loves attentions 1
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Honestly man... that girl has you eating from the palm of her hand... Her answer is share on my way of life or deal with it... what is the compromise she takes? What does she do to make you comfortable being her boyfriend? I think in your relationship it is all about her and her enjoyment... you are always coming second in her priorities... I asked her this yesterday, what is she doing to work on us. Her immediate response was being patient and being present and reading. Then she said she needed time to think about it as it's a good question. She said she feel smost of her thoughts and time are spent defending her drinking and how I feel about it.
creighton0123 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Sounds to me like it's all good fun and for a charitable cause. If you don't win said auction, she will simply go out to a single dinner that might end with *gasp* a kiss on the cheek. Chill out. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I asked her this yesterday, what is she doing to work on us. Her immediate response was being patient and being present and reading. Then she said she needed time to think about it as it's a good question. She said she feels most of her thoughts and time are spent defending her drinking and how I feel about it. She said it feels to her like I am trying to decide to move forward or not with our relationship and it's weighing on her. She is right; I am trying to decide. She wants to move ahead with us yet she sees my hesitantsy. And it's not all about her looks at this point. Yes she is a beautiful woman with an incredible body, though I am looking past that, thinking about the future. She is not a whore, she is not promiscuous. She is someone who was pretty much abondoned by her parents, raised by her grandmother and a neighborhood family she calls her foster family. She moved from home to home, no real roots until high school. She hung with the crowd that accepted her, the pot smokers and drinkers. I am sure she has used chemicals to numb pain in her life. I do believe she has good morals, I do not believe she sleeps around or has ever cheated on me or any other man. She is a very social person who loves to talk to people, male and female. I do believe she needs attention, from males and females. That does not bother me. I simply do not think she understands how I see this as this has been her world for 30 years before me. In fact I am the first person to even talk to her about drinking. She use to party with her friends, male and female, all night and crash at whosever house they ended up at. No sex, no cheating, it's just what they did and she sees it as OK. I am not defening her behavior or judgement at all. I am stating her behavior does not make her a whore or a bad person. She is a free spirit wild soul type who lives by the minute and makes decisions by the minute.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 You're clearly feeling defensive. Somewhat understandable. At some point, however, you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I have not seen her since Tuesday. We were suppose to meet Friday to talk, she ended up going out for happy hour with GFs then to a bar with GFs to watch a band play. When asked if i could meet her out, she said "you could but I do not have the energy to talk". I told her to have a great night. We just had a very long talk. Regarding Friday night going out with her GFs, she did not include me as it was a smokey bar with loud music. The last time she invited me to the same place I got pissy with her as i did not want to be there. I was rude and mean to her because of it. So she said she did not want to deal with that again, even though she did invite me to join her Friday night but I said no. But she was supposed to get together and speak with you on Friday, no? Why pick a venue that isn't conducive to this, and why have friends around for a relationship discussion with your boyfriend? You say the issue is your discomfort with her drinking, and it's something you just need to learn to handle. That's not the issue at all. The issue is the way she treats you. Unfortunately, she has no respect for you.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 You're clearly feeling defensive. Somewhat understandable. At some point, however, you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. But she was supposed to get together and speak with you on Friday, no? Why pick a venue that isn't conducive to this, and why have friends around for a relationship discussion with your boyfriend? You say the issue is your discomfort with her drinking, and it's something you just need to learn to handle. That's not the issue at all. The issue is the way she treats you. Unfortunately, she has no respect for you. I never replied to her on Friday. She told me when she would be home and i assumed I would just be coming over. She took my no reply as I was not coming over. She does respect me and has told me many times she understands how I feel about her drinking and it makes sense to her. She is simply asking me to accpet her for who she is, understand she wants to change and slow down, that's all. She has never tired to hide any of this from me and has been open and honest about herself and her drinking since day 1.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 For many, if you've been dating someone for a year and are exclusive with that person, the working assumption is that you'll spend the weekend together unless one of you explicitly states otherwise. It's not that you'll be out with your buddies, and your boyfriend can join you or fend for himself as he pleases. Please look at the bigger picture beyond just her drinking. Look at how she prioritizes you and your feelings. Look at her choices. I get the sense that you are trying to blame everything on your discomfort with her drinking. In some ways, it's become a convenient scapegoat to avoid accepting the reality of how you're being treated. Again, drinking isn't the core issue. Each event, if it were an isolated incident could be dealt with or be a non-issue. It's the totality of all these individual events that paints a problematic dynamic. There is far more wrong with the big picture than just her drinking. At any rate, good luck...and I really do mean that. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 For many, if you've been dating someone for a year and are exclusive with that person, the working assumption is that you'll spend the weekend together unless one of you explicitly states otherwise. It's not that you'll be out with your buddies, and your boyfriend can join you or fend for himself as he pleases. Please look at the bigger picture beyond just her drinking. Look at how she prioritizes you and your feelings. Look at her choices. I get the sense that you are trying to blame everything on your discomfort with her drinking. In some ways, it's become a convenient scapegoat to avoid accepting the reality of how you're being treated. Again, drinking isn't the core issue. Each event, if it were an isolated incident could be dealt with or be a non-issue. It's the totality of all these individual events that paints a problematic dynamic. There is far more wrong with the big picture than just her drinking. At any rate, good luck...and I really do mean that. You are correct. This weekend and last week were a little different than most though. She got overwhelmed with work and pretty much shut down. It was not until Friday that I asked her when we were seeing each other. She replied with her plans, HH with a friend, home by 8. I did not reply as I assumed I would just come over and I was hurt with her lack of communication this week. I probably should have at least replied with an "OK, see you then", though I did not. She later replied stating she did not hear from me so she made plans with the GF she was at HH with. It was a mutual friends bday and everyone was meeting up at this bar/restaurant. Sh eassumed since I had not replied that I had made other plans. I have never seen this in her. Turns out she is the type when overwhelmend, in this case with work, she can't deal with anything else. We talked about this yesterday and I told her a boundary of mine was she just can't shut down and not communicate with me during those times. I also told her a boundary of mine was what felt like disrespect in this case; call me or do something versus assuming I am not coming over and then make other plans. And have the consideration to include me in her other plans. She got that as I explained it to her.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Babolat, sounds like your communicating with her and that's great. I think she should have talked to you about it and gotten your thoughts BUT I think her participation in this is pretty innocent.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Babolat, sounds like your communicating with her and that's great. I think she should have talked to you about it and gotten your thoughts BUT I think her participation in this is pretty innocent. It is, and after talking about it in person with her yesterday I saw that and her explanation makes sense to me. She assumed I got what she was doing, understood why, and that I knew she had no plans to go on an actual date. I shared with her that she should have talked to me first, not for approval, just to let me know. She thought her texts did that though she did say she was sorry, she means it and understands my feeling son the matter. This thread has painted an ugly, dishonest, cheating image of her (and I have done some of that here). This girl is the most honest girl I have ever met. On our 2nd date she told me she will occassionaly party, drink, and drink a lot when she does. She also told me she will occassionaly use drugs, though she does not buy them or keep them around, only if at a party and the mood struck her. In fact we drank heavy on our 2nd date, we ended up at her friends house (husband and wife) and she spent the night and I went home. Prior to going there they invited us to their house; she said only if I can spend the night as I know we will be drinking.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 You are correct. This weekend and last week were a little different than most though. She got overwhelmed with work and pretty much shut down. It was not until Friday that I asked her when we were seeing each other. She replied with her plans, HH with a friend, home by 8. I did not reply as I assumed I would just come over and I was hurt with her lack of communication this week. I probably should have at least replied with an "OK, see you then", though I did not. She later replied stating she did not hear from me so she made plans with the GF she was at HH with. It was a mutual friends bday and everyone was meeting up at this bar/restaurant. Sh eassumed since I had not replied that I had made other plans. I have never seen this in her. Turns out she is the type when overwhelmend, in this case with work, she can't deal with anything else. We talked about this yesterday and I told her a boundary of mine was she just can't shut down and not communicate with me during those times. I also told her a boundary of mine was what felt like disrespect in this case; call me or do something versus assuming I am not coming over and then make other plans. And have the consideration to include me in her other plans. She got that as I explained it to her. I should add the past 2-3 months has been shaky for us. She said yesterday she did not even know if we were dating, that sometimes she just doesn't know, as it feels like we are breaking up every few weeks. And what she feel si from me...I have been trying to figure it all out, asking her questions, not being comitted, etc.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Wow... it is very nice of her being patient for you having problems with her drinking or her sleeping at guy friends houses... I am sure she is really taking the heavy lifting in the relationship... (sarcastic...) Until the moment you show her that you are a man of character she will take the piss on you... Are you happy with her as it is at the moment? If you are happy then you don't need to do anything... everyone has their own limits... but if you are not happy, if it makes you feel bitter and down the fact that she is never putting your relationship as a priority you should just do something about it... She is living a single life while in a relationship with you, she doesn't respect you or even think how would you feel about something... she just thinks about her personal enjoyment and if you allow her to do that she will let a scare in your soul for ever. I will tell you how this story will end up, she will grow tired of you or meet someone else in her partying and she will leave you and you will end up damaged for life with trust issues and problems with any other woman you date (even the decent ones). Mate... time to man up and tell this girl that if she wants you she needs to do something besides speaking... she needs to proof you she loves you with her acts... beautiful words are free... they cost nothing... acts are the real proof in a relationship! I appreciate your comments and feedback, you have great insight. The message she is delivering to me around drinking is "I am who I am" and "I told you and showed this to you on our 2nd date and since". She has changed dramatically over the past 10 years based on the stories she tells me. I do not expect her to change more "for me", it has to be "for her". She tells me that and it's what she should tell me. If she changes for me she will later be resentful in my opinion. I do get what you are saying, she should do more, she should change, now if she wants to keep me. And I am manning up, thus the genisis of this post and our recent conversations.
Author Babolat Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Look... I don't expect you to force her to change... when two persons go into a relationship the change usually happens... at the beginning it is minimal but with the time you stop thinking in I and begin to think in "US"... you have adapted and you are in the "US" term but she hasn't... She doesn't need to change... her habits needs to change... it is a totally different thing... she is not single anymore and the least that she owes you is respect and consideration... if she can't manage that then she should not be in a relationship! I asked you this twice already and you haven't answered me... have you talked with your friends and family about this? What is their opinion? I have, some have met her, some have not. Those that have met her love her and see what I see in her. They all think she is an honest, very social, warm, caring, trusting person and they love being around her. They all share the same opinion pretty much, it's up to me to decide if I can accept our differences in drinking/lifestyle now, and not wait for her to make more changes, the changes she talks about making over time, to drink less and party less. The men I talk to share the same opinion all men on this post do about her male friends. The females I talk to understand her male friendships and do not see any reason for concern there. One thing they ALL say is she is really into me, they can tell she really loves/likes me.
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