Star Gazer Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 So, a boundary for me is no spending the night with male friends in hotel rooms? That feels like a strange boundary to me, worded that way. Feels like an ultimatum, which is not healthy. You shouldn't even have to verbalize that boundary. It should be a given. The same way "treat me with respect" or "don't cheat on me" shouldn't have to be verbalized. Some boundaries don't need to have to be expressed, and once trampled, are reason to walk immediately. This is one of them. 3
Drseussgrrl Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Look dude, obviously if this was just the date auction I would say no big deal - most people who were at ours were all friends/active AYD members and most people brought friends who bid on them anyway. It was actually really hilarious and we mostly knew each other. But - I mean come on this chick clearly just doesn't care and you shouldn't be issuing silly "ultimatums" like don't sleep in hotel rooms with dudes because girls who are in love WANT to end up in their bf's bed at the end of the night. I mean all this stuff is just kind of common sense when it comes to relationships. What you're fighting about shouldn't even be an issue in a healthy relationship. 4
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I obviously don't know you guys, but... She clearly doesn't respect you. You are the good, stable, reliable guy...the guy who lets her go out partying and stays home like a good little boy...not anywhere you can monitor her. Then she gets to take you off the shelf and play with you when SHE is ready. I promise you she thinks you won't leave her no matter what -- why else would she do the whole "take it or leave it" thing? Either that or she just doesn't care. I think it's the former though. That bachelorette auction thing is sickening. If my bf did that, I'd be heartbroken! She's publicly declaring that she's single! And agreeing to go on a date with a random dude! Charity or not. SO disrespectful. You NEED to define your boundaries! But don't give an ultimatum unless you 100 per cent intend to follow through. You say it's been 12 months so it's too late to define the boundaries? Do you want to keep it up for 12 years? She may love you in her way, but if respect is important to you, then this is not a good situation. Dude, even if nothing is going on and she's not actually cheating, you'll never know for sure, will you? Too much opportunity. Regarding the take it or leave it, her last bf of 6+ years was very conrolling and did try to monitor her, to the point where he would not let her go out with friends unless he came along. In the end she discovered he was cheating on her so she broke it off. I think she is over that and has made it clear to me she will not be controlled like that again. I get that. I am not going to monitor her. In 12 months this has happend 5 times, 4 times with the male friend, 1 time with some old HS friends she reconnected with. We are usually together every weekend, sometimes we go out to a bar, drink, sometimes we do not. I am not saying it's too late to define boundaries. What I am saying is I have allowed the behavior for 12+ months now; to come back now and say "No", well I can see in her eyes where that is hyporcritical, though I also understand where I do need to define boundaries.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 ...I do not know if she is adapting..I do not ask. Should I? She tells me she is making compromises, not doing things she would regularly do to be with me, staying out late for example when she is with me. She can go to 3 or 4 in the morning; she tells me because she knows I do not like to she will say "Lets go home" around 11 or 12 sometimes. If you can't tell, then she isn't adapting on things that matter to the health of the relationship and to you. She may call it a night early when she's out with you, but it would be meaningful if she did that when she went out partying with her friends instead or was opting for a sleepover with another guy. That's when calling it a night earlier matters. Not when she's out with her boyfriend.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You shouldn't even have to verbalize that boundary. It should be a given. The same way "treat me with respect" or "don't cheat on me" shouldn't have to be verbalized. Some boundaries don't need to have to be expressed, and once trampled, are reason to walk immediately. This is one of them. She grew up partying and wherever the party ended is where she slept, versus driving home drunk. Her exes were with her partying too. The difference in our relationship is I do not stay out and party with her. I either chose to not go or I go and leave early (this has only happened 3 times in 12 months locally). I am not defending her, I am simply stating staying on a friends conch, in a spare bedroom, at a hotel, after a night of drinking is normal for her. She was actually surprised when I first told her it's not something I do or have really ever done. These are the cirlces she ran in, and to a lesser degree still does. These are HS Friends, folks she has known for many years and it's not just a male friend in the room, it's her female friends, their significant others, the ones who like to party into the morning.
Star Gazer Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 She grew up partying and wherever the party ended is where she slept, versus driving home drunk. Yeah, so did I. It's no excuse. Period. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 She grew up partying and wherever the party ended is where she slept, versus driving home drunk. Her exes were with her partying too. The difference in our relationship is I do not stay out and party with her. I either chose to not go or I go and leave early (this has only happened 3 times in 12 months locally). I am not defending her, I am simply stating staying on a friends conch, in a spare bedroom, at a hotel, after a night of drinking is normal for her. She was actually surprised when I first told her it's not something I do or have really ever done. These are the cirlces she ran in, and to a lesser degree still does. These are HS Friends, folks she has known for many years and it's not just a male friend in the room, it's her female friends, their significant others, the ones who like to party into the morning. Well that's not how you made it sound initially. For the record I do the above also and on any given Saturday/Sunday morning there is probably someone in my apartment who doesn't live there LOL.
ls32ssibm Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 OP, there is probably a 99% chance that this relationship is not going to end well for you if you decide to continue it. Take that for what it's worth; it's your life.
dasein Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Look dude, obviously if this was just the date auction I would say no big deal - most people who were at ours were all friends/active AYD members and most people brought friends who bid on them anyway. It was actually really hilarious and we mostly knew each other. Agree with the latter half of the post after the above, but there are significant differences here, your BF and you are both in this club, probably agreed simultaneously to do it, know people there well enough for them to know it's all in fun. OP gets a presumptuous text about an event/group he isn't a member of, doesn't know the people in the group, doesn't know what men will likely turn up. It's a very different situation.
dasein Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 She grew up partying and wherever the party ended is where she slept, versus driving home drunk. Her exes were with her partying too. Know all about that lifestyle. Did it IN COLLEGE. Would often end up hooking up with women off a couch Certain women would get or -act- drunk and go to the couches at the party to signal they were ready to be picked up by whomever. They would act passed out, but you just sit down next to them and suddenly they start perking up and responding, act like they are "waking up" if you were one of the guys they wanted. If you weren't, they would act passed out and unresponsive. Just a particular type of young mating game. But that or the appearance of it has to STOP when you are in an exclusive relationship. Adults in a relationship aren't the "last one standing" and aren't sleeping on couches. They don't drink that much to have to, or don't drink when they can't get a cab home. 2
amazingdrummer Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 She grew up partying and wherever the party ended is where she slept, versus driving home drunk. Her exes were with her partying too. The difference in our relationship is I do not stay out and party with her. I either chose to not go or I go and leave early (this has only happened 3 times in 12 months locally). . You got enough information, and I do think you know what a man in your position will do. But sometimes the guys just enjoy being with wild girls so much no matter what, and it seems to me you are one of those guys. If you hadn't tolerated her 'sleep-over' habits, she would haven't done it for the last 12 mons
ja123 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Charlize Theron wouldn't do a date at a charity auction again: Charlize Theron calls charity date 'worst idea ever' | MNN - Mother Nature Network lol 1
ja123 Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I'm not a fan of bashing either sex. It's so unfair and unproductive.
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) Charlize Theron wouldn't do a date at a charity auction again: Charlize Theron calls charity date 'worst idea ever' | MNN - Mother Nature Network lol Well I was waiting to hear about some horror story about some weirdo fan, who stalked her afterwards or tried to grope her, or brought her a ring and professed his love but in the end, it came down to...she was having dinner with a.....'stranger'. (a guy who donated money to her charity). OMG OMG hand flapping OMG. What a drama queen! She actually had her friends along hide out in the restaurant to watch him, like the staff and other customers would do nothing. How stilted must her conversations have been to her date as she is having visions of Dahmer and the guy slipping some powder in her drink. Kids, don't do internet dating either, its really creepy. You have to like talk to strangers and OMG you might like end up with one of those axe murderers. The OLD sites are full of them. Edited March 17, 2013 by ascendotum 1
dasein Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 OMG OMG hand flapping OMG. I mean really, kept waiting for something resembling a funny outcome or even interesting observation, nada. I hope she got lots of hate mail from charities over that, she did charities everywhere a huge disservice in that little spiel.
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I mean really, kept waiting for something resembling a funny outcome or even interesting observation, nada. I hope she got lots of hate mail from charities over that, she did charities everywhere a huge disservice in that little spiel. So did I. She did not even parlay it into something funny or interesting and it turned out imo also that she did charities a disservice, by falsely painting the nature of such events as creepy. (OMG like the worst idea ever) I wonder if she even let the guy have a photo taken with her as some sort of memento for his $ because it wouldn't have been the pleasure of her company. I think they are a good idea, assuming the 'attractive prize' person will be good company for whoever they end up on the date with. I don't think it is such a bad thing for the OPs gf to want to do it....assuming her motives are benevolent (and not to show off or make him show how much he wants her in a bidding war...unless he's loaded). She really should have discussed it first with him. I don't know if it would be a good idea for the OP if he started the bidding off at $10 and stop there as a protest statement. She might go the 'I'll teach him' and go ahead with the date and stay out really late, to mess with his mind. Its really best she just donate $ since she is not single.
dasein Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Thing is, he is probably spending plenty of money on her already. It would just stick in my craw to be expected to show up and bid on my own preexisting GF in an environment where I didn't know anyone and wasn't already involved with that particular charity. It's like the proverbial "double taxation."
ls32ssibm Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Well said, and I have been feeling this way, one sided, where she gets to continue to live her care free wild child life and push my boundaries while I bend. She tells me she has been compromising, though I have not asked where, when and how. My guess is at 12+ months it's a little to late to go back and say "I will not tolerate these behaviors" since I have delivered a message I am ok with it. I have questioned her on staying with her male best friend out of town, at his home, and then staying in a hotel with him when he visits (he visits to see lots of folks, not just her). She says it's 100% platonic, always has been, she sleeps in her clothes, and I need to trust her and her judgement. Ever see King of the Hill? You are coming across as Dale Gribble to us right now (the John Redcorn dynamic). It's foolish to think she isn't banging these guys. 1
Emissary Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Well, she's probably not a hooker, the most I would expect any girl to commit to at the end of the date is a hug or kiss on the cheek, if she goes further than that, then you've got a problem. Until then I wouldn't worry about it, ahve some faith in her. Though, she shouldn't put you on the spot like that, having to donate AND win. I would almost think it would be worth it to lose and force her to go on a date with a sweaty loser. Decide beforehand what you would be willing to pledge, if somebody goes over that, bummer for her.
Necris Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Not sure what to say that hasn't already been said, but these stories I read here on LoveShack and in real-life do help remind me how dating/relationships just aren't worth it.
Author Babolat Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I have not seen her since Tuesday. We were suppose to meet Friday to talk, she ended up going out for happy hour with GFs then to a bar with GFs to watch a band play. When asked if i could meet her out, she said "you could but I do not have the energy to talk". I told her to have a great night. Was suppose to meet again last night to talk. I just got more and more pissed as the day went on, I cancelled on her, which I have never done, and went out with some friends. We are supposed to talk today. I told her I need to talk to her. My plan is to talk about boundaries, how all this makes me uncomfortable, then walk away if she is not willing to meet me 1/2 way or do "something" to show this relatinship means that much to her and she is willing to work with me, us. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 Good for you! I realize this is a tough situation and you started off with the best intentions. I wish you luck!
bobsmith76 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 My girlfriend of 12+ months just told me she is in a bachorlette auction for charity. She said she did it because I will bid on her and it's for charity. My immediate reaction is WTF! It's men bidding on her for a date and why would you assume I would be there AND be the highest bidder? I could just make a donation to the charity...right? All I said was I am speechless, she got upset and said she will not be going home with them. Really? I am glad we cleared that up! Men, how would you feel? Ladies, what am I missing here? Thanks Babolat, You're right to be upset. You don't raise money by doing bad things. If you want to do good in the world, then don't do it by doing bad. It's like posing nude for charity. What this auction is saying is: it's ok to purchase women. That's not the type of world I want to live in where women are bought and sold. Your girlfriend also shouldn't want to live in that world. Here's how you convince her: Baby, do you want to live in a world where women are bought and sold No Then why are you participating in an event that condones such behavior?
bobsmith76 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 It's for charity. It's not a real date. It' very admirable that she agreed to do it as these things usually generate a lot of money for the given charity. It's not a real date, no matter who wins... it's all about giving the money to charity. The point of charity is to reduce harm. Purchasing women increases harm. Staging an event where women are bought and sold even if the event is pretend, nevertheless sends a message that purchasing women is not all that bad. If people are persuaded that purchasing women is not all that bad, then other activities like it will increase and harm will increase.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I have not seen her since Tuesday. We were suppose to meet Friday to talk, she ended up going out for happy hour with GFs then to a bar with GFs to watch a band play. When asked if i could meet her out, she said "you could but I do not have the energy to talk". I told her to have a great night. Was suppose to meet again last night to talk. I just got more and more pissed as the day went on, I cancelled on her, which I have never done, and went out with some friends. We are supposed to talk today. I told her I need to talk to her. My plan is to talk about boundaries, how all this makes me uncomfortable, then walk away if she is not willing to meet me 1/2 way or do "something" to show this relatinship means that much to her and she is willing to work with me, us. Who knows what she was doing out that night? Enough is enough, man. I think you need to move on. 1
Recommended Posts