Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Ah, mystery solved. You are letting her walk all over you because she's hot. Do yourself a favor and cut her loose. Maybe she saw it perfectly alright to enter herself in a "bachelorette" auction because you let her get away with things that would be a huge red flag for most people. Sounds like you have blinders on. Good point, and yes, in the beginning my blinders were on. Though recently I have been questioning if this is a healthy relationship for me regardless of her looks . She is an incredible person, first person I think I have truly felt real love from and we have good times together. There are red flags, this one may be the last one...not sure. She is a free spirit type, a wild soul if you will, and I do belive in her mind this is innocent and for a good cause, and she has not other intentions. I just think it's poor judgement and disrespectful.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 First at all... I think you guys need a lot of more communication... I don't think the charity is a problem, but why would she do that without telling you before? Secondly I see what you say about boundaries being stretched... I guess you really like this girl and want to keep her... but you really were ok with her sleeping in the same room as her male friend after going to a party??? Man... you need to be kidding me... party... alcohol... guy in the same room as your girlfriend.... do you follow me? Wow! Yes, I follow you, and yes, it's been a challenge for me, and yes, I do like this girl. I want to make use work. And, I believe with 100% confidence that she is 100% into me. I see it, I feel it, her friends tell me, etc. The charity IS NOT the problem..it's her presenting herself as single for a date and being "auctioned off". And yes, I feel like this is something we as a couple should have talked about first versus her going off on her own. I have no desire to control her, so she can do what ever she wants to do. In this case though I think a little prior communication would have been respectful.
StanMusial Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 The text conversation started with her telling me "she will be auctioned off" at a bar later this month. She said she did it for me, because I would bid on her, and it's for charity. Her texts repeatedly said "You will be there and you will bid on me, right?". Last night I told her it was presumptuous of her to assume that and I was not happy to hear she will be presenting herself as signle, available for a date. She also said it's not like that and everyoen there knows I am her boyfriend. Not sure aht that means...they will anoounce prior to the bidding that she is in a committed relationship..really? That will generate a lot of bids! I have put a lot of trust in her, in this relationship. Lots of my boundaries have been pushed on, stretched if you will. I have dealt with things I never thought I would. She has 2-3 good males friends, she sees them as brothers. I have met one, he moved out of town before we started dating, he has come here 2 times (she stayed in a hotel room with him for the weekend while they partied), she has gone to spend the weekend with him two times, I see what she describes, a friendship from her side. I see them as party buddies. These men are all bachelor party boy types (heavy drinkers, drugs, hang out with model type woman, etc) though so I do not trust them. Her, I trust, as strange as that may sound, it's the environments she puts herself in I do not like, and now this...... If she would have talked to me first like "I am considering doing this for charity, the charity is important to me, blah blah blah" maybe I would feel better. But to sign up, text me about it "I am being auctioned off" and then tell me she expects me to be there to bid...that just hurts. And if I do not win, no worries, she does not plan to go home with the winner...wow. LOL. Dude why is she even your gf? Just party with her like everyone else does.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I would not be okay with this and if your gf cares about or respects you at ALL, she will back out of this because of your concerns. guessing that is not happening though....but what do you expect when you are okay with her sleeping in hotel rooms with other men and going on weekend trips with them! :eek::eek: Im not surprised she thinks this type of behavior is okay with you. You really do have to put much of the blame on yourself here, why would she not think you'd be okay with this when your past behavior is okay with everything else inappropriate she does? See my bf would never even DREAM of signing up for something like this. because our relationship has previously set boundaries that would clue him in that no his gf would not be cool with it. It would honestly never cross my mind to sign up either because I know he wouldn't be cool with it.
ja123 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 She ought to have told you about the auction first before signing up. That way you'd feel like you were in on the joke instead of the joke is on you.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You know, in a relationship when 2 different people are together both need to do concessions... I see you have given her trust and stretched your boundaries... what has she done to make you comfortable? You say you trust she loves you... I have not doubt that she can love you but I still don't see how that changes the fact that you will never know what she did with her friend in the hotel room... they are so low in cash that they could not rent separate rooms? If you look to the infidelity section on this forum you will find many people who thought their partner would NEVER cheat on them... and yet there they are... Trust is good, but boundaries are always necessary in a relationship... Your girlfriend misrepresenting herself as single for a date and being auctioned for is not right and your girlfriend sharing rooms with male friends when going on party is NOT right either... You should try to make work a relationship but the heavy wight of the relationship should not be lifted by one person only... if she knows that you don't feel comfortable with her having male friends the least that she should do is not share a room with them, don't you think? It is not about control... it is about both of you working together to make it work... I only see you working on that direction honestly! Well said, and I have been feeling this way, one sided, where she gets to continue to live her care free wild child life and push my boundaries while I bend. She tells me she has been compromising, though I have not asked where, when and how. My guess is at 12+ months it's a little to late to go back and say "I will not tolerate these behaviors" since I have delivered a message I am ok with it. I have questioned her on staying with her male best friend out of town, at his home, and then staying in a hotel with him when he visits (he visits to see lots of folks, not just her). She says it's 100% platonic, always has been, she sleeps in her clothes, and I need to trust her and her judgement.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Funny - Young Democrats just had our date auction last night and it was a blast. The money all goes toward Doorways for Women and Children. There was also a silent auction. I wasn't an auctionee but a dude I've been dating was. I had no problem with it. In fact he was a great sport about it and actually got one of the highest bids of the night. She probably should have told you first, though. 3
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Just because you have been taking her $hit for a year you need to keep taking it... Sometimes people can really pass for many things when love is involved, but you need to begin to respect yourself... if you do not respect yourself she wont do it either... She has the best of the 2 worlds, a loving and caring boyfriend and her freedom and playground with her friends... She can say it is platonic but she should understand that what she does is not ok when she is in a relationship... come one... that is in everyone books... how can she expect you to be ok with her sleeping with her friends...(even when it would only be sleeping, which I totally doubt if you allow me!) Agreed, again. I have been stepping back and looking at myself and I was starting to say No a lot more and taking care of myself first, and thenl this came up yesterday. It's the whole "I did this without talking to you" that bothers me and her respresenting herself as single without thinking about how I would feel about it. I would never say "No" to her; it's her life, her choices, she can do what she wants. I simply think she should have at least talked to me, and probably not used text to deliver the message either.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) Actually I don't think the problem is the auction at all... it is about how she just expect you to break all your boundaries for her and she gives nothing in return... Honestly I think the odds are totally against your relationship... You say you agree with me but yet you say you can't say no to her because it is her life... so what are you going to do? Every time she wants to do something you are not ok with you are just going to sit there and watch her do it? This will make you bitter and unhappy...If I would be you I would have a serious conversation with her about what is ok for you and what is not... and ask her if she thinks you both are compatibles... She needs to grow up... she is in a relationship... she can just run to sleep with her male friend every time he is in town...what your friends and family think about this?? We recently had a compatability conversation initiated by me. Her partying lifestyle not aligning up with my liefstyle. We did not come to any solution other than lets see how it goes. And yes, I will have a talk with her, hopefully today, telling her No to some of the things I have accepted with bittnerness, hurt and anger. And yes, she needs to decide then, not me. I already know the answer, she will not change for me. She has told me that over and over. She has made a lot of changes in her life, wants to make more, but only will for her, not for me. I get that, I don't want her to change for me, she needs to have the desire to make changes for her and it's been my observatuion that a relationship will not speed up that process or influence her. She regularly tells me that she wants to make changes, she wants to be more like me, yet her actions do not support her words, at least not at this point in her life. I would not say she expects me to break my boundaries..I have allowed this..I have not said No. She has regualrly told me that if I do not accept her for who she is today I need to tell her so she can move on. Edited March 15, 2013 by Babolat
clia Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 We recently had a compatability conversation initiated by me. Her partying lifestyle not aligning up with my liefstyle. We did not come to any solution other than lets see how it goes. And yes, I will have a talk with her, hopefully today, telling her No to some of the things I have accepted with bittnerness, hurt and anger. And yes, she needs to decide then, not me. I already know the answer, she will not change for me. She has told me that over and over. She has made a lot of changes in her life, wants to make more, but only will for her, not for me. I get that, I don't want her to change for me, she needs to have the desire to make changes for her and it's been my observatuion that a relationship will not speed up that process or influence her. She regularly tells me that she wants to make changes, she wants to be more like me, yet her actions do not support her words, at least not at this point in her life. I would not say she expects me to break my boundaries..I have allowed this..I have not said No. She has regualrly told me that if I do not accept her for who she is today I need to tell her so she can move on. My comment was going to be that you two just don't seem compatible based on your posting history. She's a free spirit party girl, and you are the complete opposite. I don't think there is anything wrong with her living her life how she wants to, and if she has been up front with you that she isn't going to change, then it is up to you to decide whether you can live with it or not. It's good that you are realizing it. You really need to give it some serious thought. As for the bachelorette auction...technically she is single since she isn't married to you. This type of thing really wouldn't bother me. Typically these types of auctions are for a good cause and are pretty innocent and fun. If you trust her to be able to make it through a dinner with a guy who bid on her without jumping his bones, it shouldn't be an issue at all. 1
Imported Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I have questioned her on staying with her male best friend out of town, at his home, and then staying in a hotel with him when he visits (he visits to see lots of folks, not just her). She says it's 100% platonic, always has been, she sleeps in her clothes, and I need to trust her and her judgement. WTF!?? Her male friend visits the area you two live and she needs to spend the night with him in a hotel? And she does this regularly when he visits? Why can't she just come back home after they get reacquainted and sleep with you in your place? How does it even make sense that it is only platonic with him if she sleep in a hotel room with him whenever he visits? What possible reason could they have for going to hotels together when she can just return to her own bed? Is he gay? If not, I really doubt it is platonic. In a random and rare situation, I'd have trust.....but she should have judgement to not make this a normal and common occurrence. I wouldn't trust her at all. Sounds like a fun girl to have fun with and then leave her to wonder why guys never want a relationship with her. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 WTF!?? Her male friend visits the area you two live and she needs to spend the night with him in a hotel? And she does this regularly when he visits? Why can't she just come back home after they get reacquainted and sleep with you in your place? How does it even make sense that it is only platonic with him if she sleep in a hotel room with him whenever he visits? What possible reason could they have for going to hotels together when she can just return to her own bed? Is he gay? If not, I really doubt it is platonic. In a random and rare situation, I'd have trust.....but she should have judgement to not make this a normal and common occurrence. I wouldn't trust her at all. Sounds like a fun girl to have fun with and then leave her to wonder why guys never want a relationship with her. They all go out drinking, get a cab from the hotel, and return to the hotel. She does not want to drive home when she has been drinking. I have suggested she come to my house and she states she does not want to come to my house when she has been drinking, wake me up, etc..and the cab ride is back to the hotel with the group.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I think he has already established that he can't trust her... he doesn't dare to write it, or even to think about it... but just the fact that he mention the whole thing about his girlfriend sleeping with her friend makes it very clear he doesn't buy the platonic thing either... I think OP needs to really move on... there are plenty of nice girls who will be very happy to be with a caring and loving pal... This woman is just drama .... I do trust that this is a platonic relationship for her. I have met the friend, I watched their interaction and I spent time with them. I do not like the fact that she puts herself in this environment or that she may drink too much where she could not "defend" herself. We have talked about this and she states she gauges her drinking and knows who she is with and what she is doing and that I just need to trust her. It's friendships that are 10+ years old. My concern has alwasy been "who else shows up to the party" or "who pushes things a little too far" and she is too intoxicated to defend herself. In 12 months this has heppend 2 times (her friend coming here and getting a 2 bed hotel room)..it's not a regular occurance. She has gone to visit him 2 times.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 In any relationship, you make adjustments to accommodate each other--not because you have to, but because you want to. Your partner's feelings, happiness, and comfort level matter to you. You respect the person. She has (sweetly) given you a "take it or shove it" response every single time. Each time, you make adjustments because you don't want to lose her and she doesn't care either way. She is getting what she wants out of this arrangement--a nice, safe guy who will bend over backwards and dote on her if it means a shot at calling her his GF, even if other guys enjoy the same "privileges" he does and the term objectively is pretty meaningless in the situation. There will always be guys willing to play that role, so she really doesn't care how you respond. The questions to ask yourself are: Are your needs met in the relationship?Sure it's nice to brag to your friends about your hot GF, but is it worth just being one of her many groupies as a forty-year old, the one she comes home to when more fun alternatives aren't readily available? Hopefully at some point you'll deal with how little you actually have in all of this. 3
Imported Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 They all go out drinking, get a cab from the hotel, and return to the hotel. She does not want to drive home when she has been drinking. I have suggested she come to my house and she states she does not want to come to my house when she has been drinking, wake me up, etc..and the cab ride is back to the hotel with the group. Oh, she's drunk. Please go read the cheating section or post by guys that had girlfriends that cheated on them and what the common thing these girls like to say when they get caught. I had a girlfriend of three years cheat on me with her friend and blame in the alcohol. Hell, there is even a song about it because it is such a common occurrence for girls to act slutty when drunk. I use to be very trusting too, but I am not letting myself go through that **** again. I see the behavior, watch for signs, acknowledge the red flags and then I move on. I don't stick around for the train wreck. 1
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Honestly man, I don't know her as you do, if you say you trust her... good... I can't say anything against it... but what I can say is that you don't like it... I can feel it in the way you write it... you were complaining about her going to an auction but you felt compelled to comment in the fact that she shares a room with her male friend... Do you think that is normal? Have you ever talked about this with your friends and family? Honestly, talk with your family and friends and ask them their opinion... it will be much more helpful than ours because we don't know her and they do. I don't think anyone will tell you that it is normal for her to sleep in the same room as a male friend... not even when they know each other for 10 years... it is not good... they go out and drink... and go back together to a hotel room... For me this is like mathematics... No, I do not like it. And you are quite intuitive...thanks for your insight and feedback. I have talked with my family and friends. All have met her and they see what I see in her, a very warm, caring, loving person with many admirable qualities. They all say the same thing: it comes down to what I can put up with, or not. The auction should probably feel trivial..and you are most likely right..the thought of her spending a date with another man bothers me, because of lack of trust. I have been thinking about this compared to previous relationships. She has not done anything to break my trust per se, my lack of trust is based on a lot of assumptions, most of which are being mentioned here, from when she drinks and her desire to spend the night in a hotel room with friends.
StanMusial Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 She sounds like the type of girl that would show up on this forum in 5 to 8 years complaining that she can't find a bf.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I sometimes felt that my conservative ex could have "laid down the law" more. I liked when he wrangled in some of my wildness - just as he seemed to enjoy when I enticed him to loosen his grip on life a little. I have to feel free to be me, but it's also important that the energy of the relationship is balanced and good. Your personality, nature, and lifestyle is just as worthy of respect and consideration as hers. And I MISS the structure and boundaries that naturally fell into place with him. For a few weeks after we quit talking, I pretty much felt like I was floating around, like a lost balloon with no string to ground me. She regularly tells me that she wants to make changes, she wants to be more like me, yet her actions do not support her words, at least not at this point in her life. I would not say she expects me to break my boundaries..I have allowed this..I have not said No. She has regualrly told me that if I do not accept her for who she is today I need to tell her so she can move on. Well, there it is. I did adapt so my ex and I could get along better, and I saw the changes I was making as positive. He was adapting, too. If she's not adapting at all, where can this go?
Star Gazer Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I would never put myself up for a charity auction while in an exclusive relationship. Period. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Thats so awesome of you to say to find a woman who respects you yet encouraging him to not be respectful himself all in the same sentence. It must be so nice to be a guy nowadays. Feel all entitled to having the perfect respectful girl while it is perfectly ok for you to not be that way yourself... This sounds fishy, OP. It made sense once you said shes model-looking. This is what happens when you go for model-looking women I agree that a clean break is the best way to go. If he goes cheating, that makes him just as bad as her. Wow....and people are encouraging me to date you creatures? How about, I dont know, he breaks up with her because shes not a good gf and he looks for someone else? How can you be correct... but so mean and nasty about it?
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I sometimes felt that my conservative ex could have "laid down the law" more. I liked when he wrangled in some of my wildness - just as he seemed to enjoy when I enticed him to loosen his grip on life a little. I have to feel free to be me, but it's also important that the energy of the relationship is balanced and good. Your personality, nature, and lifestyle is just as worthy of respect and consideration as hers. And I MISS the structure and boundaries that naturally fell into place with him. For a few weeks after we quit talking, I pretty much felt like I was floating around, like a lost balloon with no string to ground me. Well, there it is. I did adapt so my ex and I could get along better, and I saw the changes I was making as positive. He was adapting, too. If she's not adapting at all, where can this go? She always tells me she loves it when I take charge, she loves to watch me be social in a social settings, talking to others, interacting with my friends, her friends, people in general...she literally says it turns her on. I allow her to feel free, 100%, I do not try to control her. One of her lifetime best friends told me, when we first started dating, she is a great girl, you will just need to reel her in every so often..if you do, she will be your best catch ever. I do not know if she is adapting..I do not ask. Should I? She tells me she is making compromises, not doing things she would regularly do to be with me, staying out late for example when she is with me. She can go to 3 or 4 in the morning; she tells me because she knows I do not like to she will say "Lets go home" around 11 or 12 sometimes.
Imajerk17 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Aww man, the charity auction thing honestly seems to me to be the LEAST of your problems. I gotta give your girlfriend credit in how she is going on the offensive here and gaslighting you. She's auctioning herself off as if she is single, and if you don't come and bid then you are the bad guy here. Nice. Here's the thing about fidelity: It's not just whether "anything happened" between your girlfriend and another guy and even if "nothing" happened (haha yeah right!), it is also the APPEARANCES of anything happening. The latter is tied to RESPECT. Your girlfriend isn't giving you any. 6
Drseussgrrl Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 "Young Democrats" is actually is a thing? Isn't that a bit redundant? Ha. See for yourself. It really was an awesome time. For the record I also bid on a few of my guy friends. http://inthecapital.com/2013/03/15/arlington-young-democrats-charity-auction-a-roaring-success/#ss__44310_1_17__ss
KraftDinner Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I obviously don't know you guys, but... She clearly doesn't respect you. You are the good, stable, reliable guy...the guy who lets her go out partying and stays home like a good little boy...not anywhere you can monitor her. Then she gets to take you off the shelf and play with you when SHE is ready. I promise you she thinks you won't leave her no matter what -- why else would she do the whole "take it or leave it" thing? Either that or she just doesn't care. I think it's the former though. That bachelorette auction thing is sickening. If my bf did that, I'd be heartbroken! She's publicly declaring that she's single! And agreeing to go on a date with a random dude! Charity or not. SO disrespectful. You NEED to define your boundaries! But don't give an ultimatum unless you 100 per cent intend to follow through. You say it's been 12 months so it's too late to define the boundaries? Do you want to keep it up for 12 years? She may love you in her way, but if respect is important to you, then this is not a good situation. Dude, even if nothing is going on and she's not actually cheating, you'll never know for sure, will you? Too much opportunity.
Author Babolat Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 So, a boundary for me is no spending the night with male friends in hotel rooms? That feels like a strange boundary to me, worded that way. Feels like an ultimatum, which is not healthy.
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