cannot understand how wife could do this

[Spark1111]

Your wife's affair had nothing to do with you; your love, devotion, physical attractiveness.

 

Your wife is one damaged, broken bird. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and your love can't cure it.

 

If this isn't playing out of an unresolved childhood trauma, I do not know what could be!

 

She was humiliated and degraded by being abused as a pre-teen, yet, like most abusers, I would guess he complimented and made her feel special for servicing him.

 

she then went on to recreate that very same scenario in adulthood. That is what love and desire and empowerment feel like to her.

 

Your choice is can you accept the affair? forgive it? Demand she do the hard work of getting to the root of this bizarre behavior byattendingyears of counseling?

 

IF you cannot, your only choice is to walk away but know this: THIS AFFAIR had nothing to do with you.

[mattzeo]

Your wife's affair had nothing to do with you; your love, devotion, physical attractiveness.

 

Your wife is one damaged, broken bird. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and your love can't cure it.

 

If this isn't playing out of an unresolved childhood trauma, I do not know what could be!

 

She was humiliated and degraded by being abused as a pre-teen, yet, like most abusers, I would guess he complimented and made her feel special for servicing him.

 

she then went on to recreate that very same scenario in adulthood. That is what love and desire and empowerment feel like to her.

 

Your choice is can you accept the affair? forgive it? Demand she do the hard work of getting to the root of this bizarre behavior byattendingyears of counseling?

 

IF you cannot, your only choice is to walk away but know this: THIS AFFAIR had nothing to do with you.

 

Thank you Spark. If my love cannnot cure it, does that mean she would do this again most likely? She has stated that she only had a dozen orgasms with the OM out of the few hundred encounters. She stated she faked that she was multi-orgasmic to the OM to make him think he she was hot. She orgasms with me once,but at least she does 99.9% of the time. She also claims I didn't spend enough time with her and the children and she felt alone in our marriage. She is correct that I wasn't one to go with them to amusement parks and the beach. They would go with my mother while I stayed home tending to work etc. I do not hang out with friends, and do not drink. I know I should have spent more time and let my work wait, but to have an A because a loving husband is doing what at the time he felt was right seems absurd.

 

She gets VERY upset when I even suggest that the other man used her and had zero affection for her. After I discovered the A he did call her and she asked him if he ever really loved her and she said he said "yes I always tried to covince you I did." He ended the conversation with an I love you and she replied I LOVE YOU TOO! Yet says she didn't mean it. She says that she asked him once if he could ever make love to her (rather than just sex) and he said "I did the last time we went to the hotel." She says she didn't feel he did anything more than sex. Why would she say I love you too and ask him to make love to her if she didn't love him very much? I believe she did, and believe she is trying to hide what she believes would be too painful for me to hear. I just want her to tell me the TRUTH. it took 27 years for her to tell me the real truth of her abuse as a child....I cannot continue like this. Thank you.

[SoleMate]

Whatever else happens, please get your wife into weekly therapy and show the counselor your description of her behavior. I feel sorry for your wife, I truly do. On LS, we're used to seeing a lot of ill-advised sexual behavior that causes pain in a marriage, but this is one of the sadder and more extreme cases....

[mattzeo]

I thought the two of you had separated? Is that incorrect?

 

I'm so sorry you went through this. Spark is right - this isn't about you in any way. Your wife is a very broken person to be doing these things. I have no idea what would cause this. I'd guess, like everyone else, it's the childhood trauma. It's sad that she went through that but that doesn't excuse this nightmare she's put you through. Again, I'm so sorry.

 

 

Yes, tomorrow will make six months that we have been separated. She lives 100 miles away, although I see her on weekends at times, and we talk almost daily. She wants to act like nothing ever happened, and when I so much as bring up the subject she sighs, hisses, or outright says she has nothing to say. The times she has talked openly are rare, and will shut down on me if I ask her to repeat something or elaborate more because it doesn't make sense to me. She will say "you are just questioning me so that you can call me a liar...I've already answered you." I'm sorry, but I do have to question more than once at times because even she will say she didn't mean what she said and used the wrong words. I just want to sit down with her and have her tell me the ENTIRE story and her feelings then and now so that I can decide whether or not it is something I can live with. I cannot heal when I believe I'm being ignored or dismissed as a PITA. She needs to understand too that I will get upset and lash out verbally. She has ZERO TOLERANCE for me raising my voice at her. I'm ready to just give up, but need closure by knowing WTH happened and what I need to come to terms with. I feel like walking away now will leave me forever tortured by how I lost over a quarter century of my life. I feel she owes me that much.

[Furious]

Yes, tomorrow will make six months that we have been separated. She lives 100 miles away, although I see her on weekends at times, and we talk almost daily. She wants to act like nothing ever happened, and when I so much as bring up the subject she sighs, hisses, or outright says she has nothing to say. The times she has talked openly are rare, and will shut down on me if I ask her to repeat something or elaborate more because it doesn't make sense to me. She will say "you are just questioning me so that you can call me a liar...I've already answered you." I'm sorry, but I do have to question more than once at times because even she will say she didn't mean what she said and used the wrong words. I just want to sit down with her and have her tell me the ENTIRE story and her feelings then and now so that I can decide whether or not it is something I can live with. I cannot heal when I believe I'm being ignored or dismissed as a PITA. She needs to understand too that I will get upset and lash out verbally. She has ZERO TOLERANCE for me raising my voice at her. I'm ready to just give up, but need closure by knowing

WTH happened and what I need to come to terms with. I feel like walking away now will leave me forever tortured by how I lost over a quarter century of my life. I feel she owes me that much.

 

 

 

You can never get closure from a woman who is this damaged and delusional.

 

I feel so bad for you and the devastation you're experiencing.

 

I hope you are seeing an individual counselor, who can help you deal with your pain and help you give yourself the closure you need.

 

At this point, your efforts and healing should be centered on you, and what you can do to move forward.

 

Hugs

[Spark1111]

I think affairs, by their very nature, are usurious relationships.

 

I will be who you want and need me to be if you be who I want and need you to be.

 

They are fantasies enacted by needy,often broken people wearing masks.

 

You will never get closure because you are viewing it rationally and expecting sense from someone who was not rational nor sensible during the duration of it.

 

She NEEDS to believe he cared for her, and while he may have said caring words to her, do you see how uncaring his actions were to her, you, your marriage?

 

Of course you do because you are thinking logically. Big mistake.

[drifter777]

You are already separated so push yourself forward and complete this ugly relationship by divorcing her. Your marriage is over and there is no earthly reason to even attempt reconciliation with a sick, broken wife. Walk away and focus on your own personal healing.

[Mr. Lucky]

It sounds like you would do better in healing if you went no contact with her as much as possible. You are never going to get the answers and closure you want from her if she is in that mindset that you describe.

Agreed. Why would you think that someone who couldn't give you what you needed when you were married and living together could accommodate you natural desire for closure and healing now that you're separated and living apart ???

 

Do you have children together? Are you legally separated? I'm having a hard time understanding why you'd do anything other than look at this through your rear view mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Silveron]

You were in a parent-child relationship with her. She was the 16 year old teenager having her fun and you were the father. She constantly went behind your back to lie, deceit, berate, betray, dishonor and devalue you not just as a husband but as a person.

 

Eight and a half years! She has mental issues that even most psychologists would have trouble dealing with. You cannot trust her, she will tell you the things you want to hear and continue to lie to you. How can you even remotely begin to trust her again even if she did show remorse and regret, which she does not!

 

What has she done to improve herself? Has she changed her lifestyle, is she going to counseling? In order to fix this, the root of the issue has to be dealt with otherwise this weed (the lying and cheating) will grow again.

 

She sounds like a very insecure person and often those are the ones that cheat when they no longer feel validated. We cannot diagnose her but to only give you support. If you try to go back with her she will just hurt you again unless she goes through therapy and faces her issues.

 

Just like a teenager they don't want to acknowledge what is wrong with them. Just try not to put your own self-worth into all of this. She would have done this to anyone she was married to.

[mattzeo]

Very sound information from all and I greatly appreciate it. Here is my take on things: I believe she is phychologically damaged and I married her "in sickness and in health." Her sickness prevented her from "forsaking all others." I hate her act and how she betrayed and deceived me, but I still love her very much and want to heal each other. I'm not a quitter, and believe in the sanctity of marriage. I cannot reconcile with her at present and I can only hope she has not found another man since we split. I have been faithful throughout the separation, although she suspects otherwise. Most here tell me she is a sick person due to her trauma as a young girl...to suggest leaving a spouse due to illness is not what i believe is proper. Can I ever forget what she did? No, nobody can, but many marriages heal, although they are never the same. I'm not a desperate man who could not find another lover. I am a man who loves and cares VERY deeply for his wife. call me a damned fool if you will, perhaps I am. Think about it this way. At 50, I am not going to find another woman who doesn't have a "past." Perhaps a heck of a lot of emotional baggage too, who knows? Why not try to salvage the relationship with the woman I love already? Yes, the new woman will not have betrayed me like my wife has, but maybe she too will do the same. What I need from my wife is for her to sit down and be completely open with me, and discuss the whole situation no matter how ashamed she is. we need to mourn the loss of the marriage we had, and try to build a new one as new people.

[Spark1111]

OK....so then you both need IC and in time MC.

 

She needs to be completely transparent and remorseful and you both need to communicate in a kind and compassionate manner with each other.

 

She may not be able to give you the logical, rational closure you seek, but as long as she is working on herself and her therapy you could take some solace from that.

 

You will have to stop ranting and demanding information she truly may be unable to provide you.

 

She does need to show compassion for the pain she has caused you. It can take 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity with both spouses working it on all four burners.

 

Ultimately, you will have to decide to forgive her if you reconcile. You cannot punish someone for years.

 

Good luck to you and she. I hope you can straighten this out. And if you cannot, that is okay too.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I need from my wife is for her to sit down and be completely open with me, and discuss the whole situation no matter how ashamed she is. we need to mourn the loss of the marriage we had, and try to build a new one as new people.

Your commitment and loyalty are admirable.

 

But nothing you've posted would make one believe that your wife could effectively participate in this process of openness, transparency, healing and repair. And believe it or not, I base that assessment less on her conduct during the affair and more on her attitude post D-Day. By her own admission, she hit rock bottom, no where to go but up. She "prayed to God to give me the strength" to end the affair and reconcile with you. And yet, to this day, she stonewalls your attempts at discussion, gaslights your natural desire to know what really happened ("you are just questioning me so that you can call me a liar") and shows no remorse or contrition for what she's done.

 

Some have mentioned that her behavior was addictive. According to the American Psychological Association, here are the hallmarks of recovery:

 

- admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion;

- recognizing a higher power that can give strength;

- examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);

- making amends for these errors;

- learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;

- helping others who suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.

 

How's she doing with any one of these steps ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mattzeo]

So at 6 months, why can't you be with her? That's a long cooling off period. How long do you think you'll need to not be with her?

 

Also, what you're saying is quite nice, and admirable, but is it honest? You need to ask yourself honestly if you can move past what she's done. If you can get past the images you're seeing of her performing these acts.

 

I say this not to be cruel or cold, but to get you to think seriously about that question. If you cannot then isn't the best thing to move on? Wouldn't that be best for both of you?

 

I'll go back to the 6 months. How long do you think you will need before you can cohabitate with her again, as man and wife? Are the two of you in marriage counseling?

 

It has taken six months because she repeatedly lied about the A until December. She made up stories and left out important details that i had asked. She actually would tell me that there were "no more bombs to drop" only to slip up and get her stories crossed again and again. My fear now is that she may still be lying because she says "I told you everything in December and you still don't believe me, so I'm sorry I ever told you the truth because you still don't believe me...I'm not going to answer you." This is after she admitted that initially she would stonewall me because she didn't remember what she had told me and didn't want to get caught lying. Now she stonewalls me because she says she already answered that question. I may have to hear the same answer multiple times before I can believe her. She claims to vividly recall details that happened years ago, then 2 months later says "I don't remember what I told you 2 months ago for crying out loud." Well if it was the truth, it wouldn't change in two months. I will not cohabitate with her until we have an open discussion withought her making sarcastic comments. From D-Day she has gotten angry at me if I showed anger at her. She needs to let me vent my anger at least once and be understanding. Whenever my voice is strained, she responds in kind. I would be understanding and just take it for awhile...not her. She is VERY defensive and cannot even utter the words I LIED TO YOU. She justs says "Well I'm telling you the truth now." I need the story told from the start. What I have now is fragments as she trickled them out over months of agony for me. I cannot put all those fragments together and she will not start over and tell the whole story again as the truth. That is what i need to heal. It is very hard to trust again after being gaslighted and stonewalled for months.

[Spark1111]

It has taken six months because she repeatedly lied about the A until December. She made up stories and left out important details that i had asked. She actually would tell me that there were "no more bombs to drop" only to slip up and get her stories crossed again and again. My fear now is that she may still be lying because she says "I told you everything in December and you still don't believe me, so I'm sorry I ever told you the truth because you still don't believe me...I'm not going to answer you." This is after she admitted that initially she would stonewall me because she didn't remember what she had told me and didn't want to get caught lying. Now she stonewalls me because she says she already answered that question. I may have to hear the same answer multiple times before I can believe her. She claims to vividly recall details that happened years ago, then 2 months later says "I don't remember what I told you 2 months ago for crying out loud." Well if it was the truth, it wouldn't change in two months. I will not cohabitate with her until we have an open discussion withought her making sarcastic comments. From D-Day she has gotten angry at me if I showed anger at her. She needs to let me vent my anger at least once and be understanding. Whenever my voice is strained, she responds in kind. I would be understanding and just take it for awhile...not her. She is VERY defensive and cannot even utter the words I LIED TO YOU. She justs says "Well I'm telling you the truth now." I need the story told from the start. What I have now is fragments as she trickled them out over months of agony for me. I cannot put all those fragments together and she will not start over and tell the whole story again as the truth. That is what i need to heal. It is very hard to trust again after being gaslighted and stonewalled for months.

 

Ahh, trickle-tru thing AFTER the affair kills more reconciliations than the actual affair. Read up on this....both of you hopefully.

 

Also, angry and defensive does not make for good communication.

 

Also, many a BS asks the same question over and over and over again trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, some of us for years.

 

You have 8.5 years to overcome, to fill in missing pieces.

 

I wish you luck, and if you prove not to be lucky, I wish you peace.

 

can she write out a timeline? can it be verified by bank or cell phone records? is the OM or his spouse someone who could verify key information for you?

 

 

If she is unable or unwilling to do any of this, are you willing to stop speaking to her all together?

[mattzeo]

Ahh, trickle-tru thing AFTER the affair kills more reconciliations than the actual affair. Read up on this....both of you hopefully.

 

Also, angry and defensive does not make for good communication.

 

Also, many a BS asks the same question over and over and over again trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, some of us for years.

 

You have 8.5 years to overcome, to fill in missing pieces.

 

I wish you luck, and if you prove not to be lucky, I wish you peace.

 

can she write out a timeline? can it be verified by bank or cell phone records? is the OM or his spouse someone who could verify key information for you?

 

 

If she is unable or unwilling to do any of this, are you willing to stop speaking to her all together?

 

 

She thinks I'm the one who has the problem because she says I'm obsessed with the same questions. She used minutes phones and cash. I do not see the OM as I would beat him to within inches of death! She has made comments like "what do you get your rocks off hearing what happened or it's because you keep mentioning him that I cannot forget the OM." She can be very cold and insensitive. I was supposed to drive up and see her last night and again tonight, but decided I didn't want to get into the baloney all over again. I feel myself shutting down to her and it scares me. When I make up my mind that something is over, it's over and I'm getting there fast. That is why I'm reaching out here for help as to how to handle discussing it with her. Neither of us have been to counseling as funds are tight paying for two residences two states apart. She didn't find a job there until 3 months after leaving, so lots of savings were spent.

 

Thank you all for the help. i really appreciate it very much. You are total strangers and have shown more empathy than she has in six months. God Bless!

[AbeNormal]

She doesn't view it as degrading...she says he obviously desired her and thought she was beautiful, sexy and hot. She had to have loved him....don't you think? Why else would she want to please him sexually, buy him gifts, pay for hotel rooms, and cherish a container he gave her with a salad in it. She marked the container to remember which one he had given her.

 

 

Based upon what you have written, I would not presume this "souvenir" is any indication of love for her affair partner - it's just a memory of the "kink". My guess is that the salad dressing was special...

 

GET OUT. You cannot fix this. If you stay you will be in, at the very least, emotional purgatory for the rest of your life. Stop being a cuckold type of wimp. Get it over with, and get on with your life. You really don't think you'll meet anyone else with better character, blah blah blah? You could throw a dart at a crowd and come up a winner on that one.

 

You can empathize, etc. with your wife's upbringing and so forth, but you need to look in the mirror and say that YOU deserve respect, honesty, love and to be treated with basic dignity.

 

On the issue of your wife being totally honest with you - likely not going to happen. That's part of the purgatory (or hell!) - she will likely trickle truth you until you are an empty shell of a man.

 

Get out.

Edited March 22, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Artie Lang]

i'm sorry, but i don't see remorse here. she only regrets getting caught.

 

she's looking to rugsweep the affair and is blameshifting.

 

this is in no way, shape, or form a reconciliation. it takes at least 2-5 to get over an affair.

 

i can't believe you're even considering taking her back given her attitude. clearly, she still pines for this OM. good luck with that.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Chi townD]

Very sound information from all and I greatly appreciate it. Here is my take on things: I believe she is phychologically damaged and I married her "in sickness and in health." Her sickness prevented her from "forsaking all others." I hate her act and how she betrayed and deceived me, but I still love her very much and want to heal each other. I'm not a quitter, and believe in the sanctity of marriage. I cannot reconcile with her at present and I can only hope she has not found another man since we split. I have been faithful throughout the separation, although she suspects otherwise. Most here tell me she is a sick person due to her trauma as a young girl...to suggest leaving a spouse due to illness is not what i believe is proper. Can I ever forget what she did? No, nobody can, but many marriages heal, although they are never the same. I'm not a desperate man who could not find another lover. I am a man who loves and cares VERY deeply for his wife. call me a damned fool if you will, perhaps I am. Think about it this way. At 50, I am not going to find another woman who doesn't have a "past." Perhaps a heck of a lot of emotional baggage too, who knows? Why not try to salvage the relationship with the woman I love already? Yes, the new woman will not have betrayed me like my wife has, but maybe she too will do the same. What I need from my wife is for her to sit down and be completely open with me, and discuss the whole situation no matter how ashamed she is. we need to mourn the loss of the marriage we had, and try to build a new one as new people.

 

 

No , her sickness didn't MAKE her cheat. That was a choice. Whether your sick or not, people still have the power to determine between right and wrong.

 

You stated that YOU believe in the sanctity of marriage, but it isn't a marriage if you're the only one believing in it.

[mattzeo]

No , her sickness didn't MAKE her cheat. That was a choice. Whether your sick or not, people still have the power to determine between right and wrong.

 

You stated that YOU believe in the sanctity of marriage, but it isn't a marriage if you're the only one believing in it.

 

What I cannot figure out is what turned her on in the A when she had a history of childhood sexual abuse? I would think that would make a woman more apt to be frigid and hate men, not be their personal sex toy! Her attitude has changed drastically since I have explained to her how terribly the OM used her. I guess I opened her eyes to reality and she realizes she was nothing more than his squeeze. She admits she only wanted his comments that she was hot, sexy, and attractive. Somehow she feels special. Did she feel special when she was abused as a child because obviously her perverted uncle was turned on by her as sick as that sounds. Why would she want a guy that didn't give a rats ass about her other than for his own personal gratification? It would seem that she would seek a secure man who showed her affection rather than a creeep that would finish orally most times and rarely do oral on her. How does one feel turned on when she is told he only has five minutes and wants gratification. She knew he wasn't going to get her off. She either loved him a hell of a lot, or is really sick.

[Furious]

Mattzeo

 

It's only been six months since your d-day, and for the most part dealing with trickle truth. You're definitely still in shock and the enormity of what you're experiencing has yet to really sink in.

 

Being married for 25 years and to learn your wife's affair spanned over 8 years is a huge blow, but to also learn how she degraded herself with this sick man is an enormous blow.

 

You're trying to come to some kind of understanding between the wife you thought you knew and the wife who could do what she's done and not feel remorse.

 

It's perfectly normal for betrayed spouses to obsess over every detail, to try to put the pieces of the puzzle together and try to make some sense of how this nightmare came to be.

 

I truly think your wife has a personality disorder, she sounds like she may be bipolar or histrionic. She needs to be assessed by a professional and maybe then you can come to some kind of understanding as to what you're dealing with.

 

I also think you need counseling, I know you said money is tight, but you really need to help yourself because of the enormity of your situation. Do you have a brother or sister or good friend who can help you out with counseling fees.

 

You really need to get help, this is too big to do it alone.

 

Hugs

[road]

I do not know why your WW did OM.

 

I do know that your WW behavior as a abused child is common.

[LSTom]

If you take her back, that's your choice. I wouldn't. She says your the better lover. Says she didn't love the guy. Says your more handsome. Yeah, all this coming a woman who lied to you and betrayed your trust for 8 years.

 

To be honest, though. I now expect this behavior from women.

[mattzeo]

I will not be taking her back...at least not anytime soon. Well she admits she couldn't orgasm but a few times in 8.5 years, and does orgasm 99.5% of the time with me. As far as attractiveness, he is not an attractive person at all. Has missing teeth, is fat and lazy. WW said that's what appealed to her because she felt he was lucky to have a women as attractive as her, whereas with me, she always felt I could do much better than her. I have read where most women would rather be with a man who is somewhat less attractive than her. Guys on the other hand look for the hottest women that they can possibly get.

 

After this weekend I have accepted that the marriage is over. She just cannot talk to me about the A without getting angry and mentioning things I did over 25 years ago. My desire to try to accept what she did is almost completely gone. The problem I have is moving on without her in my life because of the fact that I know no other life. Time will heal all, and I will start dating again. I refrained from dating although had strong thoughts of a retaliatory affair the first few months, but knew it was counterproductive in all respects. As far as loving the OM, I'm certain she had to, and at this point it really doesn't make a difference. Her attitude has made me hate her for not trying to help me heal. She can be very selfish...but aren't all cheaters very selfish.

[Bryanp]

Her comment to you about orgasm is so self-serving. Who in their right mind would stay would a spouse who has been cheating behind their back for over 8 years. It is simply mind-boggling.

 

I would tell her that clearly she is correct that you could do much better and that you plan to do just that. Your wife is really despicable. I wish you luck.

[mattzeo]

Gosh .... did she really sold you the only orgasming a few times in 8.5 years? If that is the case I have a bridge in Brooklyn I would like to sell....

 

I've read a lot of your posts "AnimalLover" and have yet to find one that is particularly helpful. Very easy to sit back and be a cynic. Hope you take greater pleasure (certain you do) neutering dogs for a living.