cannot understand how wife could do this

[mattzeo]

I discovered 6 months ago that my wife of 25 years had been having an eight and a half affair with a married man. I asked her to leave and we have been separated nearly six months. Initially I received half baked stories and trickle truth. In December she supposedly came clean and admitted many more deeds that had taken place. Deeds that would be in the most hardcore porn flicks. She still maintains vehemently that she was neither in love with this other man, rarely reached orgasm with him, and that she did not lust after or desire him sexually. She states that she liked his compliments which she admits she knew all along were exaggerated. She states that she only did the sex act to feel desired and she felt if she kept pleasing him, the compliments would continue. She admitted that for the first several encounters there was no kissing and she would only perform oral sex on him to completion, and he would not even touch her vagina. Intercourse took place after six months of strictly oral on him. He would tell her to touch herself after or while she performed oral on him! I'm sorry, but how can a woman feel desired by a man who doesn't kiss or fondle her. basically he used her as one would use a street prostitute. How do you enter a vehicle, perform oral sex and ingest him w/o so much as a kiss and feel "desired." Also, how many times does one need to have sex with someone to feel attractive and desired? Seems like after all those years she would have known he "desired" her in some way.

 

She has said that she said I love you to him many times, but never really meant it. She also said she never lusted after him, although she lavished him with money and paid for EVERY hotel room they ever rented. She admits I am a much better looking man and by far a better lover and that she always loved me. She said she would have great sex with me and then meet him later that day to satisfy him. She has repeatedly said she wanted to please him including allowing him to golden shower her and bring baggies full of male body fluid for her to injest. Even now, she still wonders if he ever really cared about her! I have told her that he USED her and most likely bragged to other men what a stupid naive pig she was.

 

any help from the women or men here would be helpful because I don't understand how she wasn't in love with this guy a lot to do these acts for so long of a period. Thanks

[anne1707]

Mattzeo

 

I suggest you re-post this in the Infidelity forum. I think that will be more appropriate for your needs and you will get feedback from others who have been in your position

[eleanorrigby]

It sounds like humiliation is her fetish.

[mattzeo]

She doesn't view it as degrading...she says he obviously desired her and thought she was beautiful, sexy and hot. She had to have loved him....don't you think? Why else would she want to please him sexually, buy him gifts, pay for hotel rooms, and cherish a container he gave her with a salad in it. She marked the container to remember which one he had given her.

 

Would a "normal" woman take pleasure in pleasing a man that way? Even if only in the start of the affair? She feels that because she could make him orgasm, that he thought she was desirable and wanted...she still thinks a lot of women would feel that way and gets angry when I say otherwise! She says "you just can't stand the fact that another man could be turned on by me and I was proud that I could get him off so easily." Is that how cheaters feel?

[Neffer]

It sounds as if she is or was personally very insecure. She likely was unconsciously trying to boost herself with feeling desirable and he played into that.

 

 

I agree this is probably not the correct category for your question

[eleanorrigby]

She may or may not have loved him, but I don't think she did. I think this really has to do with her sexual fetishes. She's into erotic humiliation.

I see more men into this kind of hardcore humiliation than women, but some women are into it. Everything you mentioned including paying for all the hotel rooms relates.

[dreamingoftigers]

She may or may not have loved him, but I don't think she did. I think this really has to do with her sexual fetishes. She's into erotic humiliation.

I see more men into this kind of hardcore humiliation than women, but some women are into it. Everything you mentioned including paying for all the hotel rooms relates.

 

I don't think she loved him either.

 

I don't like to empathize with someone who had an 8.5 year affair with a douchebag either BUT this is a broken woman.

 

A manipulative, desperate but very broken woman.

 

She was willing to PAY to swallow and get peed on.

 

She wanted to feel sexy and "cool" and "edgy" because she probably, naturally doesn't feel any of those at all.

 

Women who are broken in this way NEED to feel sexually special to someone.

 

This type of scenario allowed it. She would be the "cool girl" that would supply the oral without any other demands. That, in her mind made her desirable. The fact that he was willing to progress to weirder, kinkier things made her, in her mind "even more desirable" because she was so eager to please him.

 

She wanted to feel like she filled someone's "sexual niche" in a way that wasn't easily replaceable.

 

Because somewhere along the line she's felt sexually inadequate.

 

So when you tell her that she was just the "available, stupid, hole" that her affair partner found....you are telling her (in her mind) that she really wasn't sexually special at all, making her 8.5 year investment in being his personal Kleenex, just as useless and degrading as it actually was.

 

I have read somewhere and can relate that: as a woman progresses on with the same man for a long period of time, if that man does not underline her sexual attractiveness she starts to feel that he has sex with her out of obligation and essentially because "she's the available hole" and not because she's actually attractive or really sexualized to him at all.

 

She probably does get off better with you and even funds you far more accomplished, respectable, likable and compatible with her. But, like I said, she's a broken woman who so desperately wanted to have her sexuality validated, that she did it in an unhealthy, degrading, damaging way.

 

Please don't think I excuse her.

 

My husband was similar despite my validations of him.

I am in NO WAY saying ANY OF THIS is your fault or has to do with you. The trainwreck is in her head and she didn't handle it well at all. Now she's defending it. Cripes!

 

Has she expressed inadequacy etc to you at all?

 

You mentioned she knew that the compliments were "overblown?" how so?

 

Like he told her she was the prettiest? Hottest? Most enthusiastic? Etc?

 

He knew exactly how to play those insecurities.

[mattzeo]

Dreaming....You hit the nail on the head! She was molested by an uncle as a child and actually told me about it on our second date although she lied about EVERYTHING her uncle did to her. I never asked, and she kept bringing it up on our dates 27 years ago. When I noticed her stories were changing I started questioning her and she became defensive and said "how come you keep bringing up what happened to me...I never wanna talk about that again." After lying for 27 years, and after the affair was revealed, she told me that although she didn't ask to be molested, nor did she look for it, she said it felt good and she thought in her young (13 year old) mind that she was somehow married to him. I sympathize with what happened to her as a child, but why fabricate numerous stories over the years? Actually she never had to tell me at all. I always knew her story didn't add up, as she brought me to family events so that he would see her boyfriend (me) and said she wanted him at our wedding so he could see how happy she was with me. I wouldn't allow it...the creep lives in canada for crying out loud and HER PARENTS KNEW WHAT HE DID!!! She would talk to him in French in front of me and then whisper and say "look, look at how jealous he is..." She would leave a picture of us kissing at her parents house when he was there so that he could see it, then tell me about it. Now she says I am an a**hole for not understanding and she's sorry she ever told me. Why would a molested girl want this creep at our wedding or even speak with him or give a damn whether or not he was healous or that he knew she was happy. I'm not blowing my own horn, but I was a very handsome man 5 years older than her, and now at age 50, would have no problems with the ladies at all regardless of some hair loss and greying. I need to validate my thoughts that she has some sort of borderline personality disorder.

[Bryanp]

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. See a lawyer and divorce.

 

You deserve to move on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

Did she ever seek counseling? The pain she has inside her is still there. And, the betrayal of a family member who was supposed to BE her uncle, abused her. Throw in that her own parents knew and did nothing??!! Your wife has deep painful issues inside of her and lying is something SHE can control. I don't believe she is malicious, it's more a self protection thing. Has nothing to do with you.. She's messed up and unhealthy inside due to her past. It's sad and she along the way met a man who pegged her from the get go and took advantage of her. He knew how to play her and control her.

 

BUT, with that said, she knew by having an A was wrong and it would hurt you. She needs to own her part in this and as manipulated as she was by him, she's still a grown woman and can't put ALL the blame on him. She willingly did this for nearlly NINE years!

 

Get her to counseling, find someone who specializes in abuse. Get her fixed and go from there. No need to push for a divorce, let her cope with her issues and when she is stronger, then you two can divorce if that is something you both want. She may have mental health issues, ptsd, who knows..She needs to helped though, priority.

[mattzeo]

Thanks which way, I agree with you that she needs help. The part that puzzles me is that she knew he had been just caught by his wife having an affair with another person she worked with, and was in marriage counseling. My wife was her FRIEND and subordinate at work. This guy was no prized package in looks or class. Rather ignorant in most aspects of life other than how to prey upon vulnerable women. The other women he had cheated with had severe facial scars and my wife also had a noticeable disfigurement from an accident.

Edited March 15, 2013 by mattzeo

[GSB81]

She sounds like a disgusting person. I hope you have been tested since finding this out.

[Darren Steez]

Divorce!!

 

You deserve better. Not your job to fix her. She lied and cheated for 8 and half years...think about how long that is..

 

Around 3102 days

 

3102 days of deceit, dishonesty potentially exposing you to disease

 

3102 days of planning and executing sex, and please don't say you never enjoyed it because I'm willing to mortgage she absolutely loved it..whether or not love was involved who knows

 

3102 days..74448 hours, thinking, spending time with him. If they hadn't been caught it would still be continuing.

[road]

Ask the mods to move your thread to infidelity.

 

Is your WW dating any one now?

 

What is it that you want to do?

 

You have a 25 year history. Are there kids?

 

Do you own your own home?

 

How did your WW meet the OM?

 

How do you know if there is NC between them?

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, ASAP, and it is not expsensive.

 

It sounds as if your WW had needs that were not being met and the OM met them. Not an excuse for her to cheat but to inform how the affair happened.

 

Not happy in a marraige get out first before one cheats.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but more than a quarter of your marriage has been a lie. She has put your health; your LIFE in danger by being with this guy. That's not love, that's just not caring.

 

What does she expect you to do? forgive and forget? Sorry dude. And the sad thing is? You're probably not getting the whole story. Cheaters usually only tell you SOME of the things that happened to try and make them seem not as bad as what they truely are.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks which way, I agree with you that she needs help. The part that puzzles me is that she knew he had been just caught by his wife having an affair with another person she worked with, and was in marriage counseling. My wife was her FRIEND and subordinate at work. This guy was no prized package in looks or class. Rather ignorant in most aspects of life other than how to prey upon vulnerable women. The other women he had cheated with had severe facial scars and my wife also had a noticeable disfigurement from an accident.

 

His looks/personality wouldn't matter.

 

This is purely reliving something traumatic and addictive to her.

 

Our brains work in funny ways. What is traumatic and innappropriate tends to go on "loop."

 

Some of us get stuck in our cycle trying to recreate the incidents that messed us up in the first place but trying to get them "right." Then the "high"comes, followed by the shame of what we've done. Than we need the experience again to dull the shame.

 

EMDR therapy might be useful for your wife.

 

I am not advocating the you stay with her etc.

 

I think you are here, not just to find out WTF her deal is, but so that you know this isn't on YOU. YOU did not create this, nor propagate this.

 

She's got some heavy darkness.

 

The Betrayal Bond is an excellent read for understanding why crap like this goes on. Sometimes the author doesn't quite present the way I would favor, but he does drive the point home.

 

He has also written other works on Sexual Addiction.

 

There are newer works on Sexual addiction available. As well as books for spouses of sexual addicts. (Your Sexually Addicted Spouse) I am not saying that you wife IS a sexual addict, but there are some earmarkers there.

 

Having struggled with those issues myself and having married a sexual addict, you may want to look into it.

[Neffer]

Thanks which way, I agree with you that she needs help. The part that puzzles me is that she knew he had been just caught by his wife having an affair with another person she worked with, and was in marriage counseling. My wife was her FRIEND and subordinate at work. This guy was no prized package in looks or class. Rather ignorant in most aspects of life other than how to prey upon vulnerable women. The other women he had cheated with had severe facial scars and my wife also had a noticeable disfigurement from an accident.

 

Much like in nature he learned to prey on the weak. There are men who know how to manipulate women who are damaged. They use it to boost themselves by exploiting the insecurities of their prey

[seibert253]

I discovered 6 months ago that my wife of 25 years had been having an eight and a half affair with a married man. I asked her to leave and we have been separated nearly six months. Initially I received half baked stories and trickle truth. In December she supposedly came clean and admitted many more deeds that had taken place. Deeds that would be in the most hardcore porn flicks. She still maintains vehemently that she was neither in love with this other man, rarely reached orgasm with him, and that she did not lust after or desire him sexually. She states that she liked his compliments which she admits she knew all along were exaggerated. She states that she only did the sex act to feel desired and she felt if she kept pleasing him, the compliments would continue. She admitted that for the first several encounters there was no kissing and she would only perform oral sex on him to completion, and he would not even touch her vagina. Intercourse took place after six months of strictly oral on him. He would tell her to touch herself after or while she performed oral on him! I'm sorry, but how can a woman feel desired by a man who doesn't kiss or fondle her. basically he used her as one would use a street prostitute. How do you enter a vehicle, perform oral sex and ingest him w/o so much as a kiss and feel "desired." Also, how many times does one need to have sex with someone to feel attractive and desired? Seems like after all those years she would have known he "desired" her in some way.

 

She has said that she said I love you to him many times, but never really meant it. She also said she never lusted after him, although she lavished him with money and paid for EVERY hotel room they ever rented. She admits I am a much better looking man and by far a better lover and that she always loved me. She said she would have great sex with me and then meet him later that day to satisfy him. She has repeatedly said she wanted to please him including allowing him to golden shower her and bring baggies full of male body fluid for her to injest. Even now, she still wonders if he ever really cared about her! I have told her that he USED her and most likely bragged to other men what a stupid naive pig she was.

 

any help from the women or men here would be helpful because I don't understand how she wasn't in love with this guy a lot to do these acts for so long of a period. Thanks

 

There's another thread dealing with when is enough, enough. I think this qualifies.

[BeholdtheMan]

I suggest divorce. I don't know how you can continue your marriage after being subjected to such disgusting dishonesty from your wife

[Lillyfree]

 

any help from the women or men here would be helpful because I don't understand how she wasn't in love with this guy a lot to do these acts for so long of a period. Thanks

 

She was in love with him. She minimised her A and lied to you

[AnotherRound]

I just read this OP - wow, you've been dealt a whopper of a hand on this one. I don't agree with the posts about fetishes - I do agree that your wife sounds like a very broken and hurt person. It seems to me, from what you said, that she is willing to do anything to sexually please someone else - and that sounds like someone who is really searching for acceptance from outside sources - especially men. It almost sounds like she was proud of the fact that she would do anything to turn him on and please him - as if she thinks this is her "role" as a woman instead of seeing sexual connection as a two way street. This actually isn't uncommon among abuse survivors - along with promiscuity simply bc they are trying to feel accepted and desired and are willing to do most anything to accomplish that.

 

I would seriously be concerned about STDs and such - where were the "bodily fluids" from that he brought for her to ingest? That just sounds really dangerous to me, unknown sources and all.

 

Also, you mentioned several times how attractive you are. Has that been a running theme in your relationship with her maybe? That you are more attractive than her or more attractive than she deserves? I'm not saying that you believe this or put this in the marriage - but has she always been insecure physically? And if so, did she always have a feeling of being inferior to you in this way? Bc if so, it would make sense that she felt like she needed to feel attractive, wanted, desired.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I don't believe that she loved him - not in the general sense of the term "love". But, I'm just guessing from what you have said here. I'm guessing it was much more about validation for her than love or sexual intimacy. And, she very well may love you - but honestly, if she doesn't love herself any more than what you've described, I would doubt she is able to truly love anyone else either on any level other than superficially.

[eleanorrigby]

I just read this OP - wow, you've been dealt a whopper of a hand on this one. I don't agree with the posts about fetishes

 

Quite a few sexual fetishes manifest because of abuse a person endured in childhood.

[mattzeo]

Thanks for all the wonderful responses. I showed her the posts a few days ago thinking she would get a better understanding of what she was really involved in and she did not take it well at all. She tends to continue saying that he obviously thought she was hot and attractive and did care for her even if only a little. As far as the comments about my attractiveness, she was the one who told me that she thought I could have done a lot better because I was very handsome. I always thought she was beatiful, and it was love at first sight for me. I sometimes wonder if she loved me or my looks. I think she just wanted a guy to show off which hurts me a lot. She has admitted that she is not able to love anyone as much as I love her. Her words are "you have a gift to be able to love and care so deeply..." WOW, what a bomb to have dropped on you after 27 years together.

 

Below is an excerpt of a letter she sent me...maybe that will help you understand her motives etc. better.

 

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]"It got to be that this was a secret life that nobody else was a part of. When I was with him, I was somebody else. What I wanted or desired even my personality was different when I was with him. I got to feel comfortable and even liked that person, but only when I was with him. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The stronger my feelings got for this kind of life, the more I got scared. I knew he was not the kind of man that I would ever want to spend my life with. I knew that this was just a fantasy world. I continued to pray for forgiveness and guidance but the desire was more than I could control. When you ended up in the hospital in 2005 I was worried but I was sure you would be ok. As I left the hospital one of those days, I called or texted him. I met him in Roadale and something happened again. I did feel guilty. I felt like such a terrible person. Even though I would tell myself that this needed to stop, I would find myself wanting to see him again.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

The time that I broke it off with him prior to the issue in 2009, I remember doing that over the phone. I told him that I couldn’t keep doing this. That this was not the kind of person I was. That it was wrong. He tried to convince me that it’s a lot more common than I thought. As long as it was kept a secret, it couldn’t hurt anyone. We talked for a while and I finally told him that I couldn’t do it and I said goodbye. He refused to say goodbye but told me to take care of myself. When I hung up the phone, I was very upset. I felt like I had just put an end to something that had the ability to make me feel good but I knew it was what I had to do. I prayed to God to give me the strength to stay away from that secret life. To be able to find the love I once had for you. I knew I still loved you but I wanted it to be a special love. Not just the kind of love because you were the father of my children and I cared for you but the kind that made me feel the way I did years ago. I was hoping that I could rebuild my marriage even though I didn’t think it would be possible because of the secret that I carried with me but I wanted to try. I knew that I wasn’t the wife you thought I was but I wanted so much to be her.

[Lillyfree]

Sorry Lilly, but did you read the opening post? If you did, I'm amazed you call that love. smh

 

sometimes my laconic responses do come across as completely opposite to what i meant - maybe i should take a bit more time when posting

 

 

not love in the proper sense, the way it should be. what i wanted to say is that she would have to perceive it as more than just a PA to keep it going for years. in a messed up way, yes - but i do believe he meant to her more than she was telling her husband.

[Bryanp]

I feel so sorry for you. It is abundantly clear that she was never who you thought she was. There are simply no words to described this especially after she visited you in the hospital. She is beyond having a broken moral compass. Please do not allow her to destroy you anymore than she has because you deserve so much more. Good luck.