drbecca Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I am turning 30 soon and will graduate as a medical specialist this year. My 6 years younger boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I like the way he feels secure in himself and helps me deal with career and daily life problems. He's a 'man's man' but can gets along well with everyone. He spends a lot of time over at my house and we have a built a nice, secure 'home' for ourselves. We share interests/ hobbies and family values. To get to the issue, he graduated over a year ago. There are literally no jobs in his chosen profession whatsoever. His education left him with an enormous debt (cost of a decent house). He's been unemployed for more than a year now and lives with his father. Since 6 months he has a parttime job. On avg he worked a day per week during the entire year. Needless to say, the work hardly pays anything. The rest of his time is spent doing sports, reading comics and playing videogames. He has put a lot of effort into finding a job that suits his training, but it is just not possible. He is pretty picky about 'lower' jobs, and has a whole list of reasons not to work here or there. He says it's 'easy' to work hard towards something, when you know what you want. But he just doesn't know. Meanwhile, I work 60-80 hours every week in a career that I don't particularly love but appreciate because I at least have a job. I've been making these hours since I was 22 and really can't understand his lack of motivation. My friends are getting married one by one and starting families or traveling the world and doing exciting things. I feel like I'm stuck and can't do either. I've asked him how long this situation (no intercontinental vacations together, no chance of getting married or having children) is going to last. He said he doesnt know and thinks it should get better by the end of the year. He will start studying something (he doesn't know what yet), and the money will start flowing in. I don't see how that plan is going to work. I feel bad about wanting to break up with him, because he makes me happy in daily life and I feel like he WOULD make a good life partner. He just doesn't have all his ducks in a row right now and I'm worried I will waste the chance of having a family now that I'm turning 30. Has anyone else been in this situation or could you offer some advice? Thanks!
veggirl Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Wasn't there a career center or internship placement type of thing at his college that could have gotten him through some doors? I don't know, a 24 yr old guy who's been dating you since 22 and doesn't seem serious about ANYTHING....he sounds like a big kid, I wouldn't be holding my breath for any adult actions from him anytime soon. How long are you willing to wait for him to get his s.hit together? I understand holding out for a BIT for a job in your chosen field but a whole year of refusing "lesser" work?! That's just pathetic.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 You are in very different life stages. That, rather than your age difference, does not bode well for this ever being serious in the long-run. Whether that's acceptable to you depends on what you want out of dating.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 A 24 year old man is still pretty much a kid IMHO. You can't rush his life but at the same time you can't waste yours. Oh what to do, what to do?
Author drbecca Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 There are no interning positions out there in his field and it truly is a rough market. But he also hasn't been very proactive in networking or volunteering (admittedly also difficult in his position). I would however have taken any job that I could find, especially with the gigantic debt involved. I have talked with him about this and he started working 3 half days a week since last week. He thinks this will somehow get him out of debt, combined with asking for bankruptcy. He's already filed for bankruptcy and it will take years to straighten this situation out. It just seems like a hell of a ride, without a clear light at the end of the tunnel.
Author drbecca Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 A 24 year old man is still pretty much a kid IMHO. You can't rush his life but at the same time you can't waste yours. Oh what to do, what to do? Yup, this is exactly the problem. I understand the stage of life he is in, but I don't want to 'postpone' my life goals any longer. It's so hard because I can actually see us together in the distant future.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Hate to say this, but when he grows up in that "distant future" you describe, he will have very different criteria for what he wants in a partner. You know, if you have to push someone to change and do things they otherwise wouldn't do so that they are more palatable and acceptable to you, then you're with the wrong person. For your own sake, I would stop trying to force an oversized square peg into a round hole. You say he has all these qualities to be a life partner, then describe a 24-year old who is uninterested in looking for work unless you pressure him, financially irresponsible because he sees bankruptcy as a cure-all, and is in zero rush to leave the freeloading comfort of the parental nest for an independent life. But he's fun and brightens your day, which quite frankly all boyfriends do. Where is the life partner that you see in all of this? What gives?
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