vortmax Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 Well i pretty much know the outcome of this question, so this is to mostly vent, but maybe i'll get some practical advice out of it. anyway, my story: So I meet his girl about a year ago. Lets call her Mel. We're both members of a hiking club and we only really meet long enough to get ench other's names. Later through the group message board we end up with each other's screen names, so we start talking. Talking online soon becomes talking on the phone and comes to the point where we are almost always in contact. As time goes on we get closer and closer and I really start to fall for her. No clue how she feels. Unfortunatly, at the same time starts dating this other guy. We'll call him Jim. She met Jim about the time she started talking to me and he went off with the Navy. So he's now overseas. I'm doing alright with this situation so far. Yea it sucks, but I was informed the whole way in, so it's not just like she suddenly said, "btw I have a boy friend." I saw it coming. Well since he's over seas, her and i actually ended up talking much more then she talked to him and we continued to become pretty close friends. This included me helping her through some of her fights with him and what not. Did I mention we live 10 hours apart? So after this year of us talking and sharing pictures and me hearing about how's she's unhappy with her boy friend and everything, I finally have enough time and enough money to go out and see her. She gets all excited about it and we plan this weekend hking trip. Now at this point she's still with Jim who is coming home in January. I really can't tell any more what she's feeling there as I get mixed messages between what she tells me and the stuff I hear from her friends. So right before I take this trip out, some random guy she knows suddenly out of no where confides his "long lost love" of her. This royally freaks her out and I end up helping her though it (which pisses off Jim) {another story}. So the day before i leave on this trip, we're talking and she confides in me that she has a bit of a crush on me (which is what I've been wanting to hear for months but is probably what I didn't need to hear). So I confide back that I have feelings for her too and not much else is said about it. I drive out there and meet her. Spend 3.5 days with her and find out she is everything I thought she was and more. So now I've really fallen for her. We get along great and everything's perfect. Jim happened to call once while I was there and instead of talking, she got him off the line as fast as possible (she usually doesn't since he's over seas). So everything goes incredibly well, and she keeps getting more flirtatious. Then tuesday morning rolls around and it's time for me to go. I tell her flat out I don't want to, and she says she wants me to stay too. Even calls off work so i can stay a few extra hours. When it's finally time to say goodby we hug. Now I've hugged other girls who are friends before....but this hug had that extra..i don't know...longing in it. Later on my way home, we end up talking most of trip on our phones. Just in a flirtatious way I tell her I'm crying cause I need her with me and she very seriously tells me that she is upset because I had to leave. So I'm definatly getting the feeling here that she is crying out to be more then just friends. Yet she has the whole situation of being in a semi-seriious relationship with "jim". I really have no clue what to do, how to feel or anything. All I can do is stare at the wall and think. I really want to tell her exactly how I feel, but i'm afraid of how she'll react. I saw the e-mail she sent the other guy that suddenly confided in her, and she says very plainly that she's very involved in another relationship and is very happy. I kinda know different (i think), but I still don't want to scare her away or anything. I know the first thing you guys are going to say is "let her go" I thought about this and I've been trying for the past 6 months. I haven't been able to do it yet and I know I'm not going to be able to do it now.
uriel Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 I'm not going to advise you to let her go. If you want more, tell her so. Explain how this is going to work with the two of you ten hours apart. Ask her to break things off with Jim and get together with you. Then, the ball's in her court. What you shouldn't do is become the other man in everything but deed. That's not fair to Jim. So far, this girl hasn't crossed that line in a major way. She's been tempted but has kept her virtue, so to speak. But, if she and you continue to have conversations about these feelings without her ending things with Jim, you'll be having an emotional affair. That's just no good. What you want -- if you're really in deep -- is something honest, open, and potentially lasting. As long as she's with someone else, that just can't happen. -- uriel
Author vortmax Posted September 9, 2004 Author Posted September 9, 2004 well i had a talk with her today, which sort of helped. She basicly said what I knew. Said that she had some feelings for me, but that she wasn't letting them get any deeper because she is already with this other guy. She's been cheated on in the past and this is a major issue in her life. I basicly told her exactly how I felt and she seemed to really understand. Even offered to stop talking to me if that would help. I decided that was definatly not the answer as i don't want this to end our friendship. So I'm just going to have to play it by ear. I know I'll never get over this, regardless if I keep in contact or if she drops out of my life completely. I guess there's always hope....but i'm not seeing much right now. I guess at least she didn't freak out and stop talking to me.
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