How to deal with a 37 yo flirt.

[CryForNoOne]

So I've had this off and on thing with this girl I met through a mutual friend (Drew) about 6 months ago. Absolutely nothing has happened but she's been flirting for months. My feelings for her have been ranged from extremely interested to completely put off. She's so obviously playing games and I'm almost at the point where I want to tell her to "cut the $h!t".

 

When we met there was obvious mutual attraction but she was with a guy who she seemed intimate with. She told me at the end of the night it was her EX boyfriend - basically "I'm available". The next time I hang out with Drew, she magically pops up. We setup a third meetup at this restaurant Drew bar tends at and she used to work at. I was thinking three friends having dinner and drinks. Turns out she was dressed to the nines, and it felt like a full on date, with Drew basically being our waiter. The "date" went great, except I found out she's born again Christian which is an automatic no for me. Also no sex before marriage (I'm actually maybe OK with if for the right reasons). So Drew moved to NY, I never got her number, and though it was a fun date, I concluded not my type for LTR. End of that.

 

Fast forward a few months later, she randomly shows up at a bar I told her I hang out at often. She acted like it was a chance meeting but I'm not so sure. This time we exchanged numbers. I was thinking friendship only at this point so never asked her out. We exchanged some friendly texts and occasionally hung out in a group friend setting. Every time though she is a little flirtatious. It's obviously her style.

 

Drew moved back to LA, so last month we decided to do the 3 amigos thing again and go out to dinner then bar hop. That night I flipped again and decided that she's really attractive and I'm interested. Then Drew feeds the fire by showing me a text message between them talking about how she was getting home (they came in one car) and she replied she might not need a ride depending on how the night goes. WTF!!! I thought no sex until marriage? Anyway, the opportunity did not present itself with Drew there so I did not make a move.

 

So the following week we kinda had a date. It was the first time it was just me and her. We ate a late night meal and talked for a couple hours. She dropped all kinds of hints. I made a move at the end of the night and she gave me the Heisman. So I said, screw this, sick of the games, friends only.

 

She lives kinda far from me but has an acting class twice a week in my neighborhood. Almost every week she texts me "we may go out after class". Usually one of us flakes but last night we finally did hang out again. So we went to a karaoke bar and then late night pizza. Very little touching except for a hug hello and goodbye, but I noticed something the whole night. At both places, when I sat down at the booth with a large group, she sat squarely right next to me. Both times we walked to the in the car, she went straight to my car and in the front passenger seat. Every time she did it, I got this subtle but very clear signal it was her "right" as if we were BF/GF. Not sure if you'll all understand what I mean, but it was noticeable. Anyway, again nothing happened but I'm getting tired of this. She's 37 but I feel like she's playing games like a 22 year old does. She constantly plays with her hair, bats her eyes, and just does all that flirty $h!t. She also texts on her iPhone in the middle of conversation like teenage girl. Annoys the hell of me. At the same time we had VERY engaged and adult conversations on our two "pseudo" dates.

 

This morning she posts on Facebook a pic from last night of me singing a ballad, and looking like a crooner. Her caption read "My BBFF!" What do I make of all this BS? I already made a move and she pushed me away, why does continue on like this...

Edited March 14, 2013 by CryForNoOne

[JMCOSU838]

It sounds to me like you should be looking for someone else if you want a serious relationship. Perhaps she's just playing hard to get, but I've never been one to play the chasing game. I'd be curious to see how she reacts if you showed interest in another woman. Has this situation ever happened?

[CryForNoOne]

So I'm very actively dating right now. I actually was on a date right before I saw her. The situation has not presented itself but I was thinking about pursuing that angle to see how she reacts. Again though, at this point in my life, those games are making her less attractive.

[JMCOSU838]

So I'm very actively dating right now. I actually was on a date right before I saw her. The situation has not presented itself but I was thinking about pursuing that angle to see how she reacts. Again though, at this point in my life, those games are making her less attractive.

 

I don't think you should purposefully set up a situation just to see how she reacts. To me, that seems like you are playing the same game that you say makes her less attractive.

[tbf]

It's pretty obvious. She's looking for a husband (no sex before marriage) and you're looking for sex that might or might not lead anywhere.

[iKING]

She's like a 16 year old trapped in a 37 year old's body.

 

Is this Freaky Friday or something?

 

Seriously though, she may be far too reserved for your liking. It sounds as though she's rather serious about the lifestyle choices of her religion, and you should respect that. It doesn't mean she won't change her mind, but It's fair to assume she won't.

 

Take it into consideration, and if she's worth it, maybe she's worth the games and waiting until she's married. If she isn't, and you're looking for something less serious, you may need to start reconsidering your options.

[dasein]

Love the "gave you the Heisman," hadn't heard that one before. Whatever she is doing has worked, because you went from indifferent to very interested.

 

Time to repost noise theory. In the early going, everything a woman does, says, acts, must be taken as noise, else you will go insane, as you are showing signs of

 

Everything other than 1. Her continued, enthusiastic acceptance of specific invitations to spend time with you alone in a date context. 2. Her enthusiastic acceptance of your physical advances.

 

Only consider those things, and keep contact to a bare minimum other than 1 and 2. Everyone will have a different line past which they walk, for me it's two declines of invitations without alternate specific plans or two physical rebuffs of normal sexual advances, turning a cheek, etc. Two and out. Decide your own parameters but do consider keeping things totally in accordance with 1 and 2.

 

Oh and the "not have sex til marriage born again?" that's a very common white lie that many women tell and proceed to have sex, sometimes lots of sex with lots of men. Not sure this woman is that way, but never take that kind of statement at face value until you know them and their habits fairly well.

[CryForNoOne]

It's pretty obvious. She's looking for a husband (no sex before marriage) and you're looking for sex that might or might not lead anywhere.

 

She dated her last BF for 5 years and he looks like the "nice guy" type. I would tend to agree she's looking for a husband but why all the silly games? And sorry I'm not looking for just sex. That would be totally insane to look for sex with someone who said none before marriage...

[CryForNoOne]

Oh and the "not have sex til marriage born again?" that's a very common white lie that many women tell and proceed to have sex, sometimes lots of sex with lots of men. Not sure this woman is that way, but never take that kind of statement at face value until you know them and their habits fairly well.

So she never actually told me that. Drew did and he knows her quite well. As for the born again thing, we had a long discussion about religion. I'm agnostic. She used to be an atheist, but had some very traumatic events that changed her views. I respect her beliefs now because she's not trying to force it on anyone. That was one of the reasons I became interested again, because now it's not a total deal breaker as it had been...

[Divasu]

I never got her number, and though it was a fun date, I concluded not my type for LTR. End of that.

Probably because you found out she was the no-sex before marriage type.

 

Let's be real here. But that's okay, hey I don't blame you. Having said that, it sounds like she draws the line on flirting. Meaning that's as far as she'll let it go.

[CryForNoOne]

Probably because you found out she was the no-sex before marriage type.

 

Let's be real here. But that's okay, hey I don't blame you. Having said that, it sounds like she draws the line on flirting. Meaning that's as far as she'll let it go.

 

Nope. It's really not a deal breaker for me. The religion thing was.

[tbf]

She dated her last BF for 5 years and he looks like the "nice guy" type. I would tend to agree she's looking for a husband but why all the silly games? And sorry I'm not looking for just sex. That would be totally insane to look for sex with someone who said none before marriage...

From the sounds of it, she's trying to lure a husband through flirtation and teasing. From the sounds of it, you'd prefer to try before you buy, not wanting commitment prior to the test drive.

 

I don't blame either of you for your wants. But suitability to each other based on a major gap in values, is definitively in question.

[Divasu]

The religion thing was.

 

Well in that case, tell her you're not interested so she needs to stop flirting with you.

[RedRobin]

Contrary to some people's opinions, wanting to wait until marriage doesn't mean someone is sexually dead.

 

Not sure why the OP or some others on this thread thinks flirting automatically = sex.

 

All flirting might do is signal interest... or just make your day and that is it.

 

I kinda like how the southern Europeans do it. You can totally roll your eyes because it means nothing, but it can be fun and playful too. Don't worry about it too much.

 

If you like her, then you can flirt back and see where it goes. It's a dance.

[CryForNoOne]

I'm having dim sum with her tomorrow so it will be our first daytime activity. It'll be interesting to see how things are without the allure of nighttime and alcohol. One way or the other I want to settle this because we have a real friendship and this is flirting is getting in the way.

[empirestate87]

Keep us updated. I'm interested to see what happens!

[Divasu]

I'm having dim sum with her tomorrow

Dim Sum and then some.

 

[iKING]

Dim Sum and then some.

 

 

Divasu in with the pun.

 

Clever girl.

[Divasu]

Divasu in with the pun.

 

Clever girl.

 

And then some.

[phineas]

Dim Sum and then some.

 

 

Unless she has cream of sum yung gai i personally would delete her number afterword.

[CryForNoOne]

So we had about a 3 hour lunch. I decided to ignore all the noise, as Dasein called it. There was a ton of it. Almost the entire time we talked, she was fiddling with the paper wrapper from her straw. Twirling it. Making heart shapes. Dumping some sugar on the table and sliding it around incessantly.

 

She mentioned her ex and I decided to take the convo in that direction. We ended up talking about relationships - basically a ton of LS stuff. I'm not going to "chase" her or try to force anything to happen. I've lost interest in her romantically other than the physical attraction. We talked about patterns in our past relationships. She always ends up with men that have the same issues as her father did. I attract women I'm not interested in. As we talked about this stuff, bizarrely, I felt our dynamic totally change. Her mystery and allure to me is gone. For the first time, I wasn't enraptured by every single thing she said and did. I really enjoyed her company, but there were moments she was just droning on and my mind started to wander. I stopped trying to get her to like me or wonder if we'll go out again. Then BAM, she says "I'm coming to your gig (with Drew) tonight." Huh? OK. She also asked what my interests and hobbies are other than music. I told her I used to snowboard a lot and BAM, she wants to go snowboarding - and asked me if I can go Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... until I agreed on my first free day Thursday.

 

So although I didn't state it outright. I think that talking about relationships for 2 hours killed the whole flirting dance once and for all. Yet now, she's not playing hard to get and wants to spend A LOT of time with me. I think the tables are turned now. I want to stay friends, but every time I become friends with a girl I find physically attractive, we get involved at some point. I can tell we're heading on a crash course for that now. How did I stop my pattern...

[outsidethebox]

That's heavy, really heavy. Are you sure that was sugar she was twirling around on the table?

[CryForNoOne]

That's heavy, really heavy. Are you sure that was sugar she was twirling around on the table?

 

It was actually rock sugar. I guess I'll be seeing her again tonight. So strange how this works. "Should I text her should I not" is officially over for me and now she's asking me to hang out. At least there is no illusion of these being dates...

[Divasu]

Well that's good. Sounds like you two are becoming good friends. So, just go out and have a good time.

[dasein]

I may have misspoke earlier in the thread. Didn't mean to give the impression to tune out, listen to everything they say. Just don't weight it in estimating their attraction to you or the status of things between you. Also, when next you find yourself across the table from someone new, anything is better than talking about relationships or exes, talk about the food, the restaurant, funny stories about either or both. Talk about music or hobbies or things you are passionate about, just not heavy relationship topics. Sounds like things are going fine with this one though, good luck.