JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 It's a long story, but here goes. Basically when i think about it she has a had a mild form of depression for some time, but this put her over the edge. One of her best friends started dating her ex husband. She has said it's not because she still wants him, but feels hurt tht they did this and doesn't know how to cope with it. That's it i a nutshell. What you said about her feelings is exactly how it comes across. She does tell me she doesn't love herself at all right now, so how can she put anything into our relationship? She says it's nothing you have done, nothing how I feel about you, but she's not happy with herself, her life or anything. And I have noticed the transformtion full scale. She has always been a person who can get over things quickly. She is always having fun, but as of late she works, takes care of the kids, does a few odd things, but besides tht she lies on the couch and looks almost dead inside. She has also said to me "i don't want you around" she says I'm not breakingup with you and don't want to, but right now she can't control her moods and the things she says and doesn't want to say or do something she'll regret. I myself have never experienced depression, but it's a cruel monster I tell you. I am doing as much research as I can on the situation and am somewhat coping, but there are times when I feel she doesn't care, she doesn't love me and what are we doing? I know it is nothing against me, but at times it's hard to control you remotions when you have no answers. I would never give her an ultimtive or anything like that, I care too much for her. Even the times she has been hurtful to me and attackng me, I simply say to myself it's not her speaking it's the depression, so I have learned not to lash back at her. I just simply try to calm the situation down anyway I can or just end the conversation in a quiet and reserved way. The truth is, I just want the girl back I am and fell in love with, giving up on her really isn't an option at this point because I can't. Even though my therapist told me to do it, I simply can't at the moment. So, unless she comes to me and says she doesn't want this anymore I'm in for a real battle that I hope we will defeat in the end. Thanks for your input, it's good to here another perspective and would appreciate you sharing anything you have to say with me.
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Before was it like she would be depressed at some points and then be all great other times? If so, it sounds like she is bipolar. Yeah it is tough to deal with people who are depressed and it can be frustrating because outsiders don't fully know why the person is feeling the way they are and often think the person who is depressed has something against them so they take it personally and get angered by it and as you said, outsiders can get angry when they dont have answers because they want to try and help and fix things but they can't. Do you know if she is on any medication? Do you know if she is eating healthy and getting good sleep? The "beauty" about depression is that depression usually leads to sleep problems and eating problems. Sleeping problems and eating problems help worsen depression and in some cases lead to a person actually getting trully depressed. So basically you are screwed and it is damn hard to break the cycle. I remember in early 2003 when I had my last real bout of depression and I was not getting any sleep and couldn't eat and I just kept thinking to myself how much it was pissing me off because I knew that by not eating and sleeping the depression would not get any better and it was making things worse. That si the biggest pain in the ass about the illness...you can know all this info but can't do anything about it. Obviously her therapist knows more than I do about depression and can give her more accurate help but all I know is she has to get good sleep, eat well and needs exercise. Getting fresh air and exercise is what really helped me last year. Hang in there bro and I hope for yours and hers sake she can get over that awful illness and can be back to being happy and enjoy her life with you and her kids. Whenver you feel the need for someone to talk to or want some input from a person who has suffered from depression feel free to drop me a PM. I'm always willing to help out others in any way I can.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 It's ironic you ask about sleep and eating. She is definitely not eating right. She has lost so much weight it worries the hell out of me. at first when she first really started her battle, she allowed me to be around so I would ensure she was eating by bringing her dinners and cooking for her, but the last week I have been giving her some much needed space and when I saw her on Friday, I thought to myself, she doesn't llok very good. She also told me she couldn't sleep the night before and had only slept 1 hour, so NO she's not getting the proper rest and nutrition. I'm not positive if she's taking meds or not. I know her doctor gave her two weeks 3 weeks ago before seeing her agian and brought up the meds thing. She doesn't talk about it at all, so she may be or may not be.
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 damn, so she is in the friggin pattern where not eating and sleeping is just making things worse or preventing things form getting better. I am sure she realizes this but again, it isn't something a person can cotnrol. I mean I knew I had to eat better and I knew I had to sleep better but I just couldn't and it pissed me off so much. I'd guess she feels the same way. It sucks to know what is going on with your mind/bopdy but not being able to control it. Damn chemicals:( I don't know how you can go about doing it but you really have to get her to go out of the house and also exercising because it will help. Fresh air/sunlight and exercise can increase the serotonin level so if she gets out and gets exercising she should start to feel better. As for meds, you should find out if she is on them if it won't result in you getting yelled at. Most anti-depressants take at least 4 weeks before thye start to have any effect and even then I doubt any change would be seen until 6-8 weeks.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Yep she is at that point. I cna't do anything about it right now, but hope her friends pick up on it and make sure she eats. I have basically taken 5 steps back from her to breath and sort it out best she can, it's all I know how to do at this point. To be brutally honest, I would give her up if it meant her getting better. I love her so much that I just can't watch her sink deeper and deeper. But I can't do anything right now but sit be there and almost become invisible. If I asked her right now, it wouldn't go over well at all, I know that. At least she's getting therapy and I'm sure her T will get her on the meds if she isn't already. It's so hard watching the one you love be overtaken this way. I thank you so much for your comments and thank you for the offer of PM to just talk, cause truly that is the best medicine for me right now.
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 no problem man. just drop mea line whenever you need to talk. Hey how old are you and your lady?
daphne Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Damn boys. It's not borderline personality. It's called commitmentphobia and don't be fooled, you people have it too. I am a recovering one so it smarts a little to hear all of this but I know much of it is true. However, let me tell you that I ran on my last relationship, stopped and turned around and found that whereas I was willing to work on things he was even a worse commitmentphobe than I was. So let's not get gender specific. Women are just now experiencing (for back of a better word) what men have assumed as their role of power for centuries. peace out
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 We are both 30 years old. I would never genderize any issue, I'm not about that. i treat my GF with the upmost respect and give her all the credit in the world, so that is not the issue here. I am having an extremely hard time dealing with this, because before she came down this bad our realtionship was unbelievable. We had gotten over the past and were moving forward. That's what is so hard to cope with and understand. I don't doubt for a minute she loves me, but any love, affection and will to break free is gone from her at the moment. It's like you're watching the one you love slip into an awak coma or something. It is truly to hard to explain. I miss her so dearly right now and by not being able to reach out to her, truly stings my heart. At this time I won't give up on the one tru love I've ever known. I just need to find the strength and resources to overcome my own individual battle of the monster. Thanks to all and look forward to hearing your replies.
Recommended Posts