werty Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 just wondering... why girls falles in love very very much, and then just falls out of love all of a sudden. then breaks up, and dont wana see, talk or hear about you anymore... if she was able to make such decisions, why cant they accept that for sometime in thier life, this person made a difference in her.. why would she anger him so much, and doing her most to avoid you? why cant it be as simple as staying as friends... do they really not feel any love anymore? or do they realise it was wrong to love you and its the only way they can get out of it, by getting angry at you... just some thoughts...
Bender donetat Posted September 8, 2004 Posted September 8, 2004 From my experiences..... 1. Alot of the time people are NOT complete or happy with themselves, this forces a change when a relationship turns a little more serious and moves past the "fun" stage. 2. Alot of people dont have any REAL intentions of making a life with someone they meet and get scared, when the other party rys to hold on they end up getting pushed away. 3. Alot of relationships just blow and one party realizes it and the other doesnt. 4. Alot of small **** usually tears down a usually happy bond because of a breakdown of communication and the feeling of comfortability that sets in over time. Just my thoughts on it all.....
Author werty Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 i would want some opinions of these from the ladies... what would be the probable reason why you would have to do such things? and why? and to think that this person was in once part of your life, and why just shut them out like they dont even exists? not even friendship can do....??? thnaks...
grojas1986 Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 I just had an experience similar to what you are talking about. she broke it off with me about 2 weeks ago and she didn't tell me why and she didn't want to talk about it or even see me. she broke up with me over the phone. we had been ssing each other for 3 months, had a good relationship, were sleeping together quite frequently, etc. i talked to her roomate and she told me that i scared her the one time i told her i loved her. she also said i was a bit too possesive but i never thought so and if i was she could have at least said something to me. anyways we had our "last conversation" on tuesday and it really hurt me. i mean she broke my heart like none other and she had the audasity to act like a total b*tch when i was being completely sincere, without anger, and totally being mature about the situation. i asked her why she did what she did in the way that she did it and she said "cuz i can". i told her how much it hurts when i think of her and that it is hard to breathe and she said "oh i'm sorry, wait, no i'm not". when she said that, it tottally killed me inside. i began to llok at her differently at that point. i asked why she wouldn't tell me why she broke up with me and she said< "why be open about things?" i said, "why are u being such an a**h***?" she said, "let me think, cuz i can". that pissed me off royaly and i said, "you know what else you can do, go f*ck yourself!" so my theory is thta she seriously has some problems within herself, and is immature about situations like this. the person i loved wasn't real, the person who she is, i f*cking hate with a passion.
bizarro_land Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 well knowing from my own experience that she probably still loves you and maybe she feels that you might do more damage to you and doesn't want to do that to a love one. and being friends isn't that easy if there are still feelings. iknow i'm having a hard time with my ex. he's insisting that friendship will have to come and then we might get back togehter again. but it's a bit awkward to love a friend.
daphne Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 grojas, good lord. It sounds like you are better off without her. What an immature idiot. When I broke up with my ex I tried taking the high road, tried communicating and being open but he was a little (not as bad) as your ex and I got tired of it. I say let the immature idiots end up with each other.
bizarro_land Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 now that i've read more of your post... yeah she is mean... i agree with daphne
grojas1986 Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 yeah. she is pretty mean and heartless. and no, i do not think she loves me or has any feelings for me. she seems dead inside. i don't think she is happy with herself and that is why she just wanted to keep the realtionship on a fun level because she wasn't ready to be loved. the girl i knew wasn't real so i'd like to believe that she loved me. but this girl is someone i do not need in my life and if she so much as looks at me wrong i'll tell her mommy (a hardcore mormon church member) about all things she does with her bf's. i just hope i didn't get the bitch pregnant. that is one terrifying thought that has been circling through my mind. but thanks for the support guys and girls.
Author werty Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 and i thought that the posts made were for me
gersanos Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 This is an interesting discussion, and one that I have struggled with a couple of times. My last relationship is a perfect example: girl falls head over heels for me, within 2 months tells me "I love you," does everything for me, etc. I treated her really well and she admits to that. But down the road after 3 days of on/off fighting she says she is no longer happy, and has no interest in me, nor does she care. Is really angry with me, hates me, resents me, etc. I don't know what caused that, and it's easy for me to label her as just a Class A Nutcase, but it seems that she just has some unresolved issues with herself and past relationships.
Good heart Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 From my experience -girls with borderline personality disorder (10% of the population of women) but constitute >30% of relationships tend to be the ones who are mostly involved in wild short relationships and always fall in and out of love quickly. they have a family history of neglect and/or single mothers or alcoholic parents, most of them are afraid of abandonment so the best strategy when things go wrong is to break up -girls of stable families (28% of US families) get engaged very soon (early twenties) and are very succesful (medicine, law, engineering) they usually do not have multiple partners and at best they are dumped but rarely dump their lover. they are intelligent enough to hold to someone who loves them -now since life is a shade of gray there are girls in between these categories but the ones who really cause trouble are the ones in the first category however they are the most fun sexually so my advise to guys is to enjoy it while it lasts and prepare for the worse.....
Chief99 Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 The last post by Good Heart is absolutely brilliant. Your hit the nail right on the head. Those are great descriptions of women dating. I recently broke up (what a surprise) with a woman I believe was a Borderline. Fell for each other head over heels very fast then things went crazy just a few months in. At that point I heard about Borderline Disorder and read up on it. She fit to a Tee. Anyway things ended very bad and ugly. I did fall in love with her and she said me too. So it still hurts even though I know, or think she has BPD. So if anyone is dating someone and their attitude changes or behavior in a snap of a finger, look into BPD. I think what Good Heart said has a lot of merit and will keep us from second guessing ourselves. I know I almost went crazy trying to figure her out.
Author werty Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 ok, i gues its a BPD problem. so if it is, what can we do about it or about them? me tried being friendly, but didnt work,instead i was accused of expecting to much & that i expect that she still loves me... and keeps on telling me "if you love me let me go" thing... waht can we do to help them or the whole situation? ty
Chief99 Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Sorry to say this my friend, but if she does in fact have BPD or borderline traits, there is nothing you or anyone can do. Meds can help is some cases but not always. Therapist's wont usually take them as clients because they are very very difficult do deal with. Their personality changes literally in a snap of a finger. Usually for something that never even happened, but THEY percieve it did. And you'll never change thier mind. Its usually due to something happening to them when they were young. It sounds like this girl moves in and out of relalatonships very fast and I bet this isnt the first time. The thing is, with her personality, YOU will never convince her to come back even as a friend or otherwise. SHE will only make that decision either yes or no. Its a power thing. It sucks I know, and you and I will never understand it, but there is something happening in her head, whatever it is and you cant change that. She is just a "bad apple" when it comes to these kind of things. On the other hand maybe she just wants out and like you said, getting angry at you might get you angry at her making it easier for her leave. That is possible too. Either way it sounds like she wants out. My ex broke my heart and in the time between I could have figured out how to build a spaceship easier than trying to figure her out. You dont know how much time I spent and anguish trying to understand her only to just have her walk away. I hope you dont waste your time like I did. It took a long time for me to get that and I'm still getting over it. Your girl is waving a huge RED FLAG and honestly if she keeps pushing you away, you just gotta walk away. Dont put yourself through that, you deserve better.
Weird Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 grojas1986, man, what a ****. sorry you had to deal with that crap bro
Ilovehertodeath Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 If a woman is telling you that..... She's either sending you a hint that you need to communicate better, but dont come off "needy" or "try harder", for that will only drive her away more. Or she's looking for you replacement. Either way, DONT smother her! In my opinion, she's looking for a way out....and you should be looking for other options. Sometimes when a woman does this she's "Got you", she isnt going to "want you" Get it? Remember, it doesn't matter what you think, it's her. She's gotta want you...remember????!?! I personally think she's just trying to blow you off and is looking for other men to bang. But thats just me...Sorry to be so blunt. What would I do in your shoes.....go after other women, but keep HER on the back-burner. If you can show her (social proof) that it's "ok" for her to leave, that will give her a reality check like no other(if she really does like you) in a hurry.....trust me!
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I have lived through this similar situation 3 times on my fourth with my present GF. She used to always get scared and need space. I'm no expert, but the space thing is usually called for when the other person needs to figure out something on their own about themselves. At present, my GF is suffering from depression and yours shows signs of it too. If she is being mean, irritable, attacking you good traits, etc...there's a fair chance she is suffering from DP. As far as what can you do. Not a hell of a lot, but take care of yourself. You need to search inside yourself and wonder is she and our relationship worth all this heartache? If you rpartner is suffering from DP, it is going to be a very hard and long journey, trust me I'm experiencing it now and it's no fairy tale, it's brutal and rough. And we had nothing wrong with our realtionship, things were going great, then a major happening in her life sent her spiralling down. She always insists it has nothing to do with her and I, but she is unhappy with her self. She always says give her time and she doesn't want to break up, but when your heart continuously gets hurt you have to start to wonder and think of yourself. A great website to check out for those who have a significant other suffering depression is: http://www.depressionfallout.com/ This site really helped me understand and try and cope with this situation. Best of luck to all!
gersanos Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Me and some friends had a chat about this recently and we called it the "hollywood effect." So many girls that I have met fall in love with me very quickly. They have extremely high interest, want to date, want to be exclusive with me, everything is "perfect," but then something happens like a fight or something, and they say they're not happy, and just bail. Could be just a certain type of girl I'm attracting. But I know they aren't playing me when they put forth all this time, energy, money, effort into me in the beginning. But it's weird how they just split like that, of course I'll be hurt because we did have somethign great going. I pick myself up and get back out there though. I don't have trust issues or negative thoughts/feelings regarding women after something like this happens to me. I just think differently about the particular girl that did this to me. It seems that people from the last generation did things differently, and my mom once talked to me about this. Back then you meet someone that you like, and you put forth the effort when things go bad. Nowadays, whenever something goes bad in a relationship, everyone wants out. They claim they're not happy anymore, things arent the same, its not perfect, etc. And of course, leave you just hanging. Guys do this as well I would think, but being a guy, my experience is with girls doing this. Maybe they feel they are too young to be tied down and be committed - they should be out, having fun, dating around, staying in relationships only for honeymoons, etc. It's aggrevating with me because when I find someone I like and things are great, heck, I'm willing to work to keep that. But, I can't force anyone to see things my way, even though people that knew us all say that she (the one that does this) is just nuts. Let them be, no point in giving them anymore of your time.
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 yep...people run away whenever things get a little bad. It is sad to see because this mentality to just run away and avoid issues rather than face them is IMO what is leading to a lot of divorces today. A while ago I decided that if I get into a new relatiosnhip I am purposely going to cause some tension/rough spots early on to see how it gets handled. To me, how conflict gets handled is the key to how successful the relationship will be. Any couple/person appears to be "perfect" and stuff when things are going along well. Only when some rough spots happen do you see how a person truly is or how much the relationship matters. I will say I have lost a lot of faith in the female species because of this runaway mentality and I have resigned to the fact I will probably be single forever...that's ok though.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 It's true that most people don't give the time and effort to trying to work things out, cause leaving is the easiest thing to do. I have been hurt and left a few times now, and it's almost time for me to do the same, for many circumstances and issues. For me, I want a long standing relationship and often wuestion does it exist anymore? I can't help but think it does, but how do you love someone and let them go, for reasons that aren't because you don't love each other? I don't know and am beginning to question all that love stands for, but I do know that there has to be someone out there for everyone and that belief will keep me trucking along.
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I think many people don't know what true love is. If you truly love someone you don't just give up on them because they made a little mistake or because outside factors caused stress on the relationship. It is sad that more people just take the easy way out and run away from things but what can you do...I guess the only thing to hope for is that down the line these people will realize it is silly to just run away and will change for the better and will realize you can search all you want for the "perfect" mistake/trouble free relationship but it does not exist.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I ask for some advice on this? My GF is going through a major depression and I have been seeing a counselor to try and cope with it. We have gone through 3 breaks in a year and a half of dating. This time since we got back together things were awesome. They couldn't ahve been better, as far as the love, trust, communication. Then something happened to her that sent her into a tailspin. Trust me when i say, i have not and will not give up on her. But as of right now she has pushed everyone away. She is hateful, hurtful and sad when her moodswings hit. I know they are not to be taken personally, but the relationship has been basically pushed to the back burner, cause she has to focus on getting better or at least deal with it. That being said we have talked, she has admitted she has treated me poorly, but doesn't mean it. That she does not want to break up because she will regret it probably. BUT, right now it feels as though there is no relationship anyway! That is where my therapist comes in. She said you are in an unhealthy surrounding right now and thinks I need to end it, maybe not forever but to give us both the time we need to figure things out. BUT, I can't help but think. None of this really has to do with our relationship, but it is testing or killing it. I don't want to give up on her, but see no other avenue in which to take. Please send me your comments!
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I say you give her some time to sort things out. Tell her you are there for her if she needs soemone to talk to (not to yell at and have mood swings on) and all that but I dunno, you shouldn't have to get everything taken out on you. If you show her you can give her the support and arent going to give up on her while she gets through things then I would like to think she would remember and appreciate that when she eventually gets better and would want to be wiht you that much more. Most people would bail if their partner was going through a period of depression so I just think she'd see you stood by her (even if it wasn't RIGHT by her in a relationship sense) and would be so appreciative of that.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I like to think that as well. I have been supportive of her and have stepped back and given her space, as she asked for it, but what this does to the other person as well is extremely hard to take. I have not given up on her, but for instance last week she had a good night we got together, cuddled, made love, but then in the morning she was almost redretful that it happened. She said she doesn't need any emotion to cloud her thoughts right now. So, do I sit on the fence and wait for her to get better, and from talking to people and my counselor, may never happen? or Do I call a seperation, break or end things, whatever you want to call it, and see if fate steps in. I love this woman more than words can explain. I have hada connection with her since we were 6 years ols, I can feel her thoughts. Just strange things like today. We both go to the same building for therapy, but I have no clue when hers is as she doesn't talk about anything at the moment. On my way there I had this overwhwlming feeling she was there and sure enough I pull up and her car was htere. I hid my car cause I didn't think it was a good idea to run into each other there, but it's little things like that, that continue to remind me why I feel she is the one!
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Hmm... Being intimate with her probably isn't a good idea with her emotional state. I'd say this is what she feels when that stuff happens...she is with you and she feels great. Feels things are so good and as long as she is with you nothing can ever go wrong. Basically, she is letting her heart and true self control her. The next day she thinks about life under the "mask of depression" and just thinks negatively when it comes to you and probably thinks you don't love her and there is no hope etc. Have you ever suffered from real depression? I have and that is the type of mood swings you get. You start to feel like you aren't worthy of people caring for you and you reject people not because you don't truly want that but because you have a negative image of yourself and lose hope/belief things can or will be good in your life. If you dont mind me asking, what brought on her bout of depression? The only thing I can say for you not to do is to be super firm with her and give her some type of altimatum which I ams ure you wouldnt do based on how you talk about your care here. Some people think you do that with people who are depressed and it is the WRONG thing to do. Most people get frustrated with someone who is depressed because they think the person can just snap out of it by snapping your fingers which you can't or, my favourite, they think the person WANTS to be depressed and are just doing this for ****s and giggles. That is such a dumb thing to think because nobody would ever want to suffer from that illness.
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