destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm not trying to be rude, but you have no place to say that the chemistry in my relationship was one sided. Life isn't merely black and white, there are grey areas. Two people can breakup for reasons other than lack of feelings. I know what I shared with my ex, and you can assume what it was or wasn't -but that's it. Please remember that you are only giving your OPINION! Ofcourse it is my opinion. Didn't mean there are no greys. I believe the way things end in a relationship shines a bright harsh light on to the reality of the relationship. What the actual relationship was about, what your partner was all about and what they Really wanted from the relationship. Sometimes it comes from left field and your left shocked. (My Opinion based on My Own Experiences) From your previous posts, 'outside reasons' sounds like a lame excuse (to me). Don't always believe what an ex says, take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes it just ends up confusing us more, bringing up more questions. Hard to do though.
destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 The chemistry was one sided ...if they felt what you really felt, they wouldn't have left you. It was an illusion and to them, it was a temporary light feeling that can be discarded at any time and replaced with something/someone else. Not to sound like the ultimate pessimist and super negative, but is it ever really two sided, or just different degrees of one-sided??? I've been on both sides, but not sure if truly 'two sided' really exists Seems like as one feels stronger and moves in closer, the other moves away, and vice verca. I think I may be referring to that "Push / Pull" theory I've read about somewhere?? I think it is always more one-sided...it seems like I am always on the least advantageous side in a relationship...lol It could be also the Push/Pull theory...when someone pushes for the relationship in the beginning they take on the role of giving more to their partner. Pulling for the relationship would be being available to receive or triggering the other person to give somehow. Could be that people get used to these roles in a relationship and start expecting them to carry out throughout. But, when it comes down to it there comes a time when the giver also needs to receive. And the receiver may feel a bit suffocated from all that giving. I guess there needs to be a balance. Relationships are exhausting...ugh.
Author singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Ofcourse it is my opinion. Didn't mean there are no greys. I believe the way things end in a relationship shines a bright harsh light on to the reality of the relationship. What the actual relationship was about, what your partner was all about and what they Really wanted from the relationship. Sometimes it comes from left field and your left shocked. (My Opinion based on My Own Experiences) From your previous posts, 'outside reasons' sounds like a lame excuse (to me). Don't always believe what an ex says, take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes it just ends up confusing us more, bringing up more questions. Hard to do though. What can I say, I'm a defensive person. Maybe you can't always believe what an ex tells you but mine had no complaints from me. I would have walked through fire for that man... And he loved me, I know he did.
destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 What can I say, I'm a defensive person. Maybe you can't always believe what an ex tells you but mine had no complaints from me. I would have walked through fire for that man... And he loved me, I know he did. Yeah it was pretty black and white what I posted. I was probably projecting my own crappy relationship on to yours. With that said, I think that some people don't feel "love" as we feel it. They did love us but to the point that they were capable of loving someone. In my case, I wasn't able to see the weak love she felt for me, only after the break up. Now I see it clearly. What I felt for her was not nearly what she felt for me. But she loved me as much as she was capable of and still claims she does. Means nothing to me now bc that is not the type of love that I want from someone. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Destroyed- For me I got swept up in it all, he was charming and sweet and affectionate. Guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go. It's like his "ghost" is still with me. How long have you been broken up?
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 What I felt for her was not nearly what she felt for me. Here, here!!! I second that notion. WTF? How the hell do we avoid this from happening again? How can we really gauge their true feelings? Well, then again, when I look back, there were signs all along, I guess. I just couldn't or didn't want to see them. It's like, you tolerate a certain amount of BS because the upside is so great. But, to them, the upside isn't that great anymore and their feelings fade. Now it's one-sided and you're done!! Relationships are exhausting...ugh. Oh yeah!!! And wonderful and terrible and frustrating and fantastic and crushing and devastating. Damn, why do we do it to ourselves?? 1
destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Destroyed- For me I got swept up in it all, he was charming and sweet and affectionate. Guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go. It's like his "ghost" is still with me. How long have you been broken up? We have been broken up about 8 months now and about 3 months NC but she messaged me last week wanting to be friends...and other crap. Set me back. Yes my ex was charming, sweet and affectionate. Looking retrospect, I always felt there was something 'not quite right' but I couldn't pinpoint what it was. Most probably due to lack of experience? I have had relationships before but not totally dysfunctional ones like this. I thought that we can work it out and we will someday so I hung on. Nobody is perfect afterall...right? Basically, my biggest issue with this girl is that she wasn't able to talk about problems. When I hurt, she either raged, dismissed it, gaslighted me into thinking it was my fault or I was annoying or she changed the subject. It felt like I was being punished that I even brought it up. That should of been a big red light...but I can't say right now what I was thinking or feeling bc I don't exactly know. It all seems cloudy right now. I am usually a good judge of character and analyze people pretty well. For some reason, I failed this time. Maybe I was going with my feelings rather than my head. Did I think she was in love with me, yes and she still says so. She loved me to the best of her ability..the best that a dysfunctional person like her can love someone. To me it is not enough, so I take it as BS because...it is just words..no actions to back it up. To them love is about taking NOT giving. So its kinda like one-sided BS. Love is actions not words. My therapist said it best its like having a relationship with a retarded person. You ask the retarded person to act normal but he has no idea what you mean. So what does the retarded person do? The only thing they can do, they run away, just like my ex. They can't handle it.
destroyed4sho Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) What I felt for her was not nearly what she felt for me. Here, here!!! I second that notion. WTF? How the hell do we avoid this from happening again? How can we really gauge their true feelings? Well, then again, when I look back, there were signs all along, I guess. I just couldn't or didn't want to see them. It's like, you tolerate a certain amount of BS because the upside is so great. But, to them, the upside isn't that great anymore and their feelings fade. Now it's one-sided and you're done!! I ask myself this everyday. I feel so vulnerable now and insecure. I thought I was good a gauging feelings. But the truth is, you will never know what is going on inside a persons head, but you can control what you do. I think the key is to set boundaries and rules before entering into a relationship. My rules will be something like this: If they can't solve relationship issues then its time to call it quits. If they rage, then time to call it quits. If they show no compassion or empathy towards my issues or even to others, then time to call it quits. If they do not support me, time to call it quits. Unfortunately, the true self comes out after the infatuation/honeymoon stage is over...so its like damn your already hooked. But, it takes a certain amount of self-esteem, feelings of self-worth to be able to say hey, we had a good honeymoon stage, the upside is fantastic, but this relationship is not for me, I can do better. BYE! Oh yeah!!! And wonderful and terrible and frustrating and fantastic and crushing and devastating. Damn, why do we do it to ourselves?? Yeah exhausting...I must say arranged marriages don't look so bad anymore...lol Edited March 18, 2013 by destroyed4sho
McGriff Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I have to chime in... FACT: you could meet someone tomorrow and by this weekend be completely head over heels in love, excited, and just generally have your head in the clouds. It would take you right out of your current funk and put you in a position of power over your last love. When I say power, I mean the power of your own thought. I've seen it happen to others and its happened to me. What you are going through right now is similar to rehabbing a drug addiction. Your brain is dying for those endorphins released when you were with your lover. When you meet someone new (and it's inevitable that you will), those endorphins will resume and you will look back at your relationship for what is was. Not saying it wasn't special, or wonderful---but, it was what it was (I hate that term, but it applies here). I too am in complete heartbreak right now, I am 42 years old and very experienced in the way of heartbreak, both giving and receiving, so I know where you're at and why you feel the way you do. Take it from an old warrior in the battles of love, you will live to fight another day, I promise. 5
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I think the key is to set boundaries and rules before entering into a relationship. My rules will be something like this: If they can't solve relationship issues then its time to call it quits. If they rage, then time to call it quits. If they show no compassion or empathy towards my issues or even to others, then time to call it quits. If they do not support me, time to call it quits. Unfortunately, the true self comes out after the infatuation/honeymoon stage is over...so its like damn your already hooked. But, it takes a certain amount of self-esteem, feelings of self-worth to be able to say hey, we had a good honeymoon stage, the upside is fantastic, but this relationship is not for me, I can do better. BYE! Man, I'm just glad others on here are feeling exactly what I am feeling. Like word for word. Somehow, some way it is encouraging Not only did someone make very similar comments on this forum to me a week ago, but my therapist recommended a very similar strategy for moving forward. I loved the idea, but can imagine how truly difficult it would be to apply this theory. Cuz, when your in that honeymoon stage, you could have piano dropped on your head and wouldn't even know it 2
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