Sent a Letter to my ex

[js1967]

After being blindsided with a break up, from a 3 year relationship...The short reason given to me before NC was....she just didnt love me anymore. I had no idea, she said she felt this way for months, internalized it, finally after a brief phone call...DONE.

 

This is a long read, for those of you that can get through all of it, I appreciate it and would appreciate some feedback.

 

I have had 35 days now where my head has and still is spinning from this sudden breakup.

 

Im very frustrated because I don't think its fair. According to on line help...Im experiencing the ANGER portion. Well, yeahhh DUH...I think I should be a little frustrated here. I had invested a good portion of my life, just like she had. There was no chance or consideration given to trying to fix issues...that I had no idea of that were happening months ago where apparently she just started loosing that spark for me. She doesn't show or share her feelings very much so I was clueless to this entire event happening until I was hit with it. Im so upset that she didn't at the time try to reach out and tell me she was starting to wain. She isn't perfect and neither am I and I believe relationships have ups and down. I believe in fighting through them or at least trying. Im a pretty flexible guy, and love her so much I would have adjusted or tried to adjust just about anything. I am a big believer in fixing holes in a boat rather then just sinking it.

 

Well, she made up her mind, there is apparently no turning back what so ever.

 

After a brief conversation...which I broke NC... I was told 'I just have to get over it"

 

While I know this is true...I still cannot walk away. I cannot let my feelings on this entire situation which I didnt ask for be heard. I find it quite insulting that her short term solution she offered me, after she has taken the time to disconnectedand unplug...was simply 'get over it'

 

Yesterday I composed a 5 page letter. It was firm, It was somewhat professional, somewhat emotional, but it was based on My feelings and what this has done to me.

 

 

One portion of this letter, which basically experesses how I feel is this...

 

"You checked out a while ago with me, bagged up the garbage, you let it sit for a while in your garage until you finally decided to take it to the curb. The trash man takes it away to the dump, out of sight, out of mind. We never remember the garbage we throw out nor do we regret throwing out garbage. It simply gets thrown out. I am not garbage!"

 

 

My point with this is, I DO NOT want to hurt this person, but I think it is rather selfish of her just to say its over and leave me hanging. This letter will arrive today via fed ex along with her house key.

 

She asked if we could remain friends...I reacted immediately with the word "WHAT???" I told her this....

 

"I am in no way interested in being your friend or positioning myself in your life that way, please take that as a compliment. That was a very difficult statement for me to type, but it is honest. My Love… true love for you..is based on you being my best friend, the best friend I have ever had. The two are hand and hand. If there is no love, there is no friendship… Love and friendship support each other…that does not mean hate you****, I want you to completely understand how much Friendship is part of a Loving strong relationship and how much I value that feeling and how serious the word friends means. Im not interested in a down grade or a lateral movement."

 

I dont know how she will react to it. I imagine she is so disconnected that it will annoy her and possible make her feel bad about herself. Or she may just shake her head in disgust. I dont know.

 

This whole situation is the most torturous thing I have ever been through in my life which includes a divorce after 20 years of marriage. The Feelings that have been hurt are off the scope.

 

I know I broke NC with sending this letter. But I needed to send it and at least get my opinion read and listen to. How she reacts to it, well that's up to her. I was being something I am not in this case. Rather selfish and looking out for my own feelings.

[Chi townD]

Dude, really? You sent that? ......Ummm....okay.

 

You accomplished something that I thought wasn't possible and that I'm at a loss for words!

 

Well, what's done is done. Now, time to sit back and see if she replys, because, well...that's what you want anyway. I really wish you would have posted here first about how you were feeling.

[js1967]

Chi Town,, I was hoping you would chime in. I appreciate your responses in the past.

 

can you explain this to me..

 

"You accomplished something that I thought wasn't possible and that I'm at a loss for words!"

[js1967]

I guess then My effort, if I have to be honest....Is to impose a little guilt then because i think she deserves to feel guilty. I think the break up was handled in a selfish cowardliness way with the only regard to her feelings...not mine.

 

whether it has impact or not, who knows...I know I feel a little better for at least putting my stance out on the table.

[Chi townD]

LOL! Basically, you had me at a loss for words and I didn't know how to respond to your announcement of sending a letter and from the part that I read....gives me the impression that it was filled with a lot of anger.

 

Look, sometimes people break up and it is what it is. But sometimes we break up and we've been hurt by our Ex's in such a way that we seek out places like this forum to look for help to explain it all.

 

A lot of threads you'll see that a lot of Ex's want to ease their guilt and try to use us as that outlet. Well, we want them to hold on to their guilt. Not because we want to punish them, we want them to hold onto their guilt so they LEARN from it. The end result is that they LEARN that you can't treat people the way that they treated you. That's the end goal.

 

By sending an anger filled letter to her it might hurt her to read it. But, then anger is going to come on her part too. And she going to say to herself, " Well, screw that jackass! If he's going to act this way, then I glad I dumped his ass. HE JUST NEEDS TO GET OVER IT!"

 

You just gave her permission to forgive herself and let go of that guilt. Now, you can say to me, "Well, the letter really wasn't that angry." Dude, you were writing about a relationship where you were hurt. Subconsciously, your writing style is going to come across as angry because you still have feelings for her. You're not indifference towards her.

 

But, again...what's done is done and I think it would probably be wise just to get back to NC. To heal and move on.

 

Don't let this get to you. You aren't the first to do this and you won't be the last. It's good. But, if she does respond. DO NOT WRITE HER BACK!

Edited March 14, 2013 by Chi townD

[js1967]

excellent advise.

 

I will try as hard as I can not to respond back. I really wanted my feelings heard and my side of the story heard. Whether she thinks I am a jackass or not...well I dont care. Im not one and I consider her making a huge mistake because the world is full of jackass guys.

 

I know my value as a person and what I contribute and bring to a relationship and I know there are tones of people out there who would welcome it.

 

Unfortunately this has made me a bit jaded and I am not sure if I want to put myself back out there for a while. Im a good guy and a god person. NO ONE deserves hurt and pain.

 

Obviously, she has different needs and wants now, and I am not it.

 

I do not like she has been in control of everything from the break up and driven it the way she wanted it to go. that's not fair.

 

This letter was my way of saying i dont appreciate it and I wont put up with it.

 

Again, thanks for the blunt and honesty. It really does help

[Ajax]

 

Whether it has impact or not, who knows...I know I feel a little better for at least putting my stance out on the table.

 

Even if it does impact her, you'll never know it. Many exes seem to be able to compartmentalize their lives in a way that precludes feeling guilty over their behaviors both during and after a breakup. While I do think some compartmentalization is beneficial for people, it can make someone appear cold and detached from the world and people around them. And this is how it will be with her I'm afraid.

 

While I'd never recommend sending a letter, I guess the damage is done and we can only hope for a positive outcome... such as you being able to move on now that you've said your peace.

[js1967]

That is my Goal Ajax. Move on in peace.

[rikatika]

I am having a really hard time with the NC thing. I too have written a letter telling him how much I loved him, and how hard it was to leave. But he is a mean alcoholic. And I left to save myself any more emotional beatings! Now after reading some of the comments here, I think I may have basically excused his abusive behavior. And we continue to text on occasion, but mostly it is him putting all the blame on me and now telling me how much he has changed (its only been a month), and how his mind is clear and his heart is happy. I wonder how that can be, when he is still an alcoholic, and has (it appears) begun a relationship with his son's mother, who left him 8 years ago, and is now a pretty pathetic deadbeat. (She hadn't seen her 8 year old son for over a year, until last week). I don't know if he is really that stupid, or if he is just trying to hurt me. If that is the case, it DOES hurt. I felt like we were more than that. To move on in less than a month? I am still too hurt and sad to even think about dating, or even touching another man.

[Indio Negrito]

Hey man, i can empathize with your situation as I pretty much was dealt with the same way even though I broke up with her after she resisted trying to be honest with me about where her heart is...

 

I made the same mistake of reaching out with a heartfelt letter and recently with a smart ass poem for her bday but everyone here is right and I am still struggling with heeding their advice - that we just need to move on.

 

She responded to the letter but not bday poem with basically saying that she's over it and hopes I find peace.

 

She was already seeing someone a couple weeks after our breakup so believe me when I tell you I know the pain as you dont just jump into another relationship unless you've been having an affair behind the scenes - verbally, emotionally, or mentally

 

Im in the same mindset as you too in that I cant keep putting myself out there BUT that doesnt mean love doesnt exist. It most definitely does!

 

You sound like me in that you know where you stand in life, what you bring to the table and are capable of commitment.

 

What I've learned dude from being here, mind you this is a guy's perspective, is that we really are the drivers in the relationship and if the woman you chose drops rank - bro, that's what it is, she ranked out and as much as it hurts to know the one you would defend with your life wouldnt do the same in return - this is the new reality we are faced with.

 

Learn from the experience in terms of what not to do again.

 

For example, Ive observed its better not to tell a woman "I" love her for at least 2 years cause you dont really get to know the real them in less time.

 

And Im saying that cause a woman I was seeing for a few months recently blurted it out to me and found it immature considering she's only wooed by one-side of my personality that shes been most exposed too...she cant know my depth after a few weeks of heartfelt conversation. lol.

 

Society's norms through media does influence people's behavior a lot more than it used too so they waffle back and forth between fictional personalities. lol.

 

As great as individualism has been in delving into the abstract and helping society open up - the unfortunate side effect has been a lack of personal responsibility.

 

At least for me, who seems to be gullible and give everyone the benefit of doubt, its just safer to really qualify a womans real character.

 

Anyway, my personal opinion is that you should get it all out in the open, cause if the purpose of NC is to learn and grow - the prerequisite should be to face your mental demons.

 

It's very rare that these passionate relationships get revived so you have nothing to lose honestly....

 

I dont particularly care for what my ex thinks or what any of my friends think about me losing dignity by trying to salvage my heart.

 

At the end of the day, we all learn to cope with trauma our own way - alone.

 

To me there's no room for pride and ego in matters of the heart so that's my two cents...

 

Good Luck!

[js1967]

I dont particularly care for what my ex thinks or what any of my friends think about me losing dignity by trying to salvage my heart.

 

I agree! I think this forum offers a great amount of advice. It has been a god send to me. My one issue is, there seems to be a clear cut formula to getting over this heart ache. Im having a hard time excepting that formula of NC. I think each relationship and individuals in those relationship have other factors...but the goal is to get over it an move on.

 

I wrote the letter. I had my say as far as I am concerned. In my opinion I had to do that to take back partial control of a situation I didnt ask for. I didnt really get any valid reasoning, I got TOLD its over. I was ORDERED to STOP. My only advice from her was ...GET OVER IT.

 

There is no way I am willing to let her or anyone else who would hurt me like this remain in control of me. It will be no contact, but it will be on my terms, not hers now. Its that foolish male pride thing.

 

At the end of the day, we all learn to cope with trauma our own way - alone.

 

As long as there is no further contact from this point, I know I can deal with this now.

 

To me there's no room for pride and ego in matters of the heart so that's my two cents...

 

Thanks for your well thought out response!

[Chi townD]

I agree, not everyone's break up is going to be the same. All people are different. But, for some of us that have been here a while, you pick up the patterns of a break up that occurred due to GIGS or Infidelity or whatever.....It's like reading from a textbook that they become sooo predictable.

 

Okay, so you wrote an angry letter. Well, news flash. You aren't the first person that's ever done that. (I just never expected it from you). It happens. And I understand that you needed to get that off your chest. But, that's what we're here for. To vent, break your keyboard. Whatever! By sending her an angry letter, it shows her that she still has power over you. That she affected you that much that you took the time to sit down and write this thing out to blast her.

 

Your silence is sooo powerful. Sooner or later, she probably would have reached out to you. Ending a conversation with "get over it" is kinda harsh and that would have eaten at her over time. One thing about MOST women is that they can't STAND the fact that there might be one person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. So, she probably would have thrown a breadcrumb at you to see where your head is at. If you don't respond, you give them NOTHING. Not one thing. They don't know where your head is at. They don't know if you hate them or if you don't care or if you're indifferent or if your hurt and in pain still.....just nothing. And that drives them bat sh*t crazy. You silence WILL speak volumes. Just ask na49! His Ex about blew up his phone until he finally blocked her number.

 

Hang in there dude.

[ThatJustHappened]

You talk about patching holes instead of sinking the ship..but you can't patch everything up. That's such guy mentality. I'm sorry she hurt you, but she didn't do anything wrong by breaking up with you. She doesn't deserve your anger or your guilt trip.

 

Anyway, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is only with you out of guilt or habit, or because she's too scared or lazy to dump you when she really wants to, or do you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you?

[mtnbiker3000]

There was no chance or consideration given to trying to fix issues...that I had no idea of that were happening months ago where apparently she just started loosing that spark for me. She doesn't show or share her feelings very much so I was clueless to this entire event happening until I was hit with it. Im so upset that she didn't at the time try to reach out and tell me she was starting to wain. She isn't perfect and neither am I and I believe relationships have ups and down. I believe in fighting through them or at least trying. Im a pretty flexible guy, and love her so much I would have adjusted or tried to adjust just about anything. I am a big believer in fixing holes in a boat rather then just sinking it.

 

Well, she made up her mind, there is apparently no turning back what so ever.

Yup, this is exactly, exactly how I felt and even expressed these feelings to the ex on numerous occasions once I realized what was going on. What I discovered is that most men are left brained and desperately want to fix and solve problems. We don't want to merely throw in the towel. We are committed. We want to make it work. However, most women are right brained and start by feeling things and are very spatial and emotional. They live in the 'right now'. That's why once they make up their minds (often times without showing their men any hint of what they are thinking) they are done. They don't believe in fixing or 'working' on it. They believe in the way things should be (Fairy Tale) and if they aren't, time to move on! It's really BS if you ask me. Because what are the odds that it will be a Fairy Tale? Slim to none. You have to work on it to make it great. Why don't they realize this? My ex gave me the exact same line.

 

 

 

She has however, been taking this pretty hard too and has been somewhat emotional on several occasions - especially when I announced I was moving out. Then again when I was packing all my crap earlier this week. So, I guess I get some satisfaction out of that. It wasn't a complete drop of my ass on the curb. It is hurting her as well. I know this because we still live together until tomorrow. So I have been in LC with her since mid-January after we had 'the talk'.

 

 

 

Not sure what is in store for me moving to a crap shack 1/1 apt from our sweet 3/2 house we have lived in for the last 2 years. I will now be totally alone. Don't have much of a support network in this town, because we moved here together and everything I know is with her. I'm kind of scared for the next few weeks/months. The last few days have been increasingly difficult as well as I get closer to leaving. I'm scared!! Probably be on this site a lot. LOL!!!

[na49]

I'm in the anger stage too right now. I hate my ex. I hate what she did. I want her to know how angry I am. I want to insult her and not pull any punches. Hit her where it hurts will all of those personal things she told me when we were together. I want her to know my thought process through this whole thing. That in a strange way I do still love her even though she disrespected me. etc.

 

but I'm not going to. A 5 page letter dude? Really? Only after a month+ of NC? You should have wrote the entire letter and never sent it. but as Chi said, it is what it is at this point.

 

Do you think she gets a letter like this and thinks "Wow! I really missed out on this guy! He's such a good guy! I miss him" or do you think she gets this letter, reads it and says "Wow... he still hasn't moved on? Get a life! So happy I dumped him. He's crazy! I deserve sooooo much better!"

 

Never said a word to my ex after she insulted me by telling me her new friends were "better" than me. (ouch!) and NC had her running after me asking to be friends. Then I asked her to leave me alone and blocked her @ss. No explanation or anything. Never told her I still loved her. Nothing. She has no idea what the hell I'm doing and I love it! Some days I feel guilty about it, but I've been loving my decision more and more lately.

 

You did it for a reaction, don't kid yourself. You'll be waiting for a response because it would be normal to wait for a response. If you get one. Ignore it. I have my doubts she'll respond. Probably read it, have a laugh about it with her girlfriends and trash it. If she does, it will be some guilt ridden thing asking you to move on and for friendship. No more shooting yourself in the foot. please.

[js1967]

You talk about patching holes instead of sinking the ship..but you can't patch everything up. That's such guy mentality. I'm sorry she hurt you, but she didn't do anything wrong by breaking up with you. She doesn't deserve your anger or your guilt trip.

 

First off having such a guy mentality is a good thing...Im a guy... I fix rather then throw away.

 

That just happened...I have to respectfully disagree here "a little, but I hear what your saying".

 

There might have been some angry parts, but yeah well, Im angry. I got kicked to the curb and I dont think I deserved to be treated that way.

 

This whole break up was in an effort to make HER feel better, not me. All I got was....GET OVER IT

 

The letter, the whole letter was well thought out, expressed where I stood on things, wished her well. If she is guilty from it angry, sad, whatever. I wrote and sent the letter as my tool to move one from this breakup.

 

So sorry, I respectfully disagree. Im happy I sent it. I feel better about it, and I can start getting on with myself. I have no idea if she even read it, she may have just chucked it in the garbage. Maybe her and her girlfriends are laughing about it. maybe she is sitting there crying about it. Maybe she has a new boyfriend and they are reading it together laughing at me...I dont know.

 

I think I am a very nice guy, and I honestly would never hurt anyone. But I cant and wont let somebody flip me upside down when I truly think I do not deserve it. I would not have handled this way if the shoe were on the other foot. I care deeply about feelings and emotions of her and other people I care about/ family friends etc.

 

This is all sounding like justification. Im learning all the time on here and I do appreciate the other side of the coin advice. Hopefully you can appreciate my stance even if you say it may have been wrong to do.

[js1967]

na49

 

Good interjection in there. It stung. It did, but Im glad you posted your response

 

 

This is just tuff as hell!!!

 

Geeze, Im loosing weight, not getting work done. Im in bad shape here and trying like hell to pull myself up and move on.

[mtnbiker3000]

js1967 - I've lost almost 20lbs in the last 2 months. Work is a dreadful, but so is sitting at home. I'm just not comfortable anywhere. It is crippling and debilitating. I feel your pain. And I haven't even started NC yet. Just been LC for 2 months... I think NC might just really kill me

[ThatJustHappened]

You talk about patching holes instead of sinking the ship..but you can't patch everything up. That's such guy mentality. I'm sorry she hurt you, but she didn't do anything wrong by breaking up with you. She doesn't deserve your anger or your guilt trip.

 

First off having such a guy mentality is a good thing...Im a guy... I fix rather then throw away.

 

That just happened...I have to respectfully disagree here "a little, but I hear what your saying".

 

There might have been some angry parts, but yeah well, Im angry. I got kicked to the curb and I dont think I deserved to be treated that way.

 

This whole break up was in an effort to make HER feel better, not me. All I got was....GET OVER IT

 

The letter, the whole letter was well thought out, expressed where I stood on things, wished her well. If she is guilty from it angry, sad, whatever. I wrote and sent the letter as my tool to move one from this breakup.

 

So sorry, I respectfully disagree. Im happy I sent it. I feel better about it, and I can start getting on with myself. I have no idea if she even read it, she may have just chucked it in the garbage. Maybe her and her girlfriends are laughing about it. maybe she is sitting there crying about it. Maybe she has a new boyfriend and they are reading it together laughing at me...I dont know.

 

I think I am a very nice guy, and I honestly would never hurt anyone. But I cant and wont let somebody flip me upside down when I truly think I do not deserve it. I would not have handled this way if the shoe were on the other foot. I care deeply about feelings and emotions of her and other people I care about/ family friends etc.

 

This is all sounding like justification. Im learning all the time on here and I do appreciate the other side of the coin advice. Hopefully you can appreciate my stance even if you say it may have been wrong to do.

 

Guy mentality is not a good thing here. It doesn't apply to relationships. You can't just put a little glue on a relationship and make it work. These are feelings, not a broken lamp. If she doesn't love you, nothing you do or say is going to patch that up. She was doing you a favor by breaking up with you..you'll get that someday. Again, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Would you enjoy having her stay with you out of guilt?

 

She doesn't owe you anything, and she doesn't deserve your anger. Be angry at the situation..don't be angry at the person. It SUCKS that she fell out of love with you, and I'm sorry that it hurt you..but it's not her fault. It's not yours either. It is what it is.

 

You say you're a nice guy and you would never hurt anyone..but you just did. You admitted that you sent that letter to vent your anger on her and make her feel guilty. What were you hoping to gain from sending it? It sounds to me like all you wanted was to make her feel as terrible as you do.

 

I'm not saying you deserved to be dumped..it's not about what anyone deserves. I'm saying that it's not anyone's fault. Should she be unhappy in a relationship with you just so she doesn't upset the apple cart? Should she have sacrificed her own happiness for yours?

 

Again, I'm sorry she hurt you, but she didn't do anything wrong by breaking up with you. I know that you're angry and that's completely understandable, but try to see it from her perspective too.

[mtnbiker3000]

Oh, and I'm with you on the whole man point of view. Geeze, lets try and at least attempt to improve things before just quitting. WTF?? I guess everyone here is right. She just wasn't that into it, or she would try a little harder to save it. Maybe we just thought they were...

[mtnbiker3000]

ThatJustHappened - I think what I and JS are feeling is that there are obviously reasons for falling out of love. Why not address these early in an attempt to save the relationship. WHy wait until there is no hope at saving what has been built by two people over months or years. This didn't just occur over night. Why not have open and clear communication before it's too late... Maybe this is just my man POV?

[js1967]

Im trying thatjusthappened, I really am, and you have a valid point...the letter was never sent to hurt in anyway. If it did,,, as I mentioned a few times in the letter, in fact I started it with..This is not meant to hurt or make you angry, it is for me.

 

Well, I may have just made things way worse. I cant undo it.

 

This forum is awesome!!!! Really makes me think. At the very least, if I can pull myself out of this crazy state and move on with someone else down the line, it will all come into play.

 

Thanks again to all for the insight.

 

and to any females...try and give a man a chance to fix some holes. It is what we do, we make holes, say we are sorry... and fix them.

[js1967]

"This didn't just occur over night. Why not have open and clear communication before it's too late... Maybe this is just my man POV"

This was and is my entire problem with the situation...My ex doesnt show her feelings very much or share..I know that sounds silly, she is just very laid back, very quiet actually.

 

Why just sit there and let resentment build until its beyond repair in her mind and the only option is break up?

 

When she told me she wanted to break up it was a shock, but the bigger shock was finding out she had been considering it for months and months....I seriously was like REALLY??? WHAT????

 

I not asking to fix things now, my point is....why not bring it up? why not fix a snowball before it becomes an avalanche?

 

And yes that justhappened, I do not want to be with somebody like that. I want to learn from this stuff. Im a very proactive person. Fixing holes and all:cool:

[ThatJustHappened]

ThatJustHappened - I think what I and JS are feeling is that there are obviously reasons for falling out of love. Why not address these early in an attempt to save the relationship. WHy wait until there is no hope at saving what has been built by two people over months or years. This didn't just occur over night. Why not have open and clear communication before it's too late... Maybe this is just my man POV?

 

You totally missed my point! You can't 'fix' feelings. Also, she was probably in denial herself while it was happening. I can't imagine his girl (or yours for that matter) wanted to fall out of love. Sometimes things just happen and you can't control or change them. You just have to deal with them.

 

Both of you are better off. I said it twice before and I'll say it again..do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't want you?

[ThatJustHappened]

She probably didn't bring it up because she didn't want to admit it to herself.

 

JS you'll be just fine. There are plenty of women out there who like a man who can fix things.