Boyfriend keeps lying so we broke up and it hurts.

[Merin]

I'm new to this forum and am just feeling overwhelmed with uncertainty, and sadness right now.

 

My boyfriend of over a year and myself have been in a long distance relationship and just spent the long weekend together.

 

Our relationship has always been troubled from the start of things because of his constant lying and cheating on me. The things that he has lied about are NOT small inconsequencial things, they have been huge life changing lies.

 

In my effort to try to save this relationship and make things right, I have often sacraficed my own strong beliefs and overlooked hurtful things he has done to me in this relationship.

 

My boyfriend is the type who is extremely jealous and controlling. He has questioned me on every detail of my past relationships and even has become angry regarding the information as if it had happened recently and I had some how wronged him when the relationships he is angry about happened before I had met him. Although he has cheated on me and lied about a whole lot of other things (and again I'm not talking about small things) he is always the first to accuse and the first one to draw blood so to speak in throwing accusations.

 

Anyway, I am the type of person who when I am with someone I will bend over backwards to make that person happy. This last weekend I planned and paid for a vacation for the two of us. All was well until he found out that I wasn't going to be going home on Monday but on Tuesday instead.

 

He is in the military and had been telling me he lived in military quarters since having to move from his barracks (long story and more lies involved there) anyway he started driving us toward the airport. I had noticed earlier that he had a garage door opener in his car (uh strange that a military quarters would have a garage right?) and I had asked him about it. He LIED and said a friend of his had been borrowing his car last week. Then I noticed that he had a house key on his ring and asked him about that. He said he didn't know what it went to and he thought it was to an old apartment.

 

So I asked him why we were going towards the airport. He said so we could stay in a hotel close to the airport for him to drive me in the morning. I asked him why I couldn't just stay with him on base (I had done so before) thats when he said that he lived with another guy in the military and hadn't told me about it he says because he was afraid I would be angry? Now why would I be angry about that right? So I questioned him some more about it. He of course couldn't come up with anything and said I was making to big of a deal about it.

 

He is telling me he wants us to get married but is lying about BASIC information as far as i'm concerned. For real, where he lives doesn't seem like BASIC 411?

 

So now I'm really pissed off! I told him that he is lying. That the only reason he would have to not tell me he lived with someone is IF it was a female, that ppl don't lie for non-consequencial reasons. I went into the hotel and got a room and went back out to get my things out of his car. I told him not to bother coming in that I would get the shuttle to the airport in the morning.

 

He followed me in and proceeded to tell me that I had no reason to be upset. I asked him if he was cheating on me again, he of course said no. This was killing me. I wanted so much to say okay like I always do, like an idiot and believe him even when everything in me is screaming he is lying.

 

I didn't give in to it. I told him that we were finished and this would be the last goodbye. He told me he loved me. He told me he wanted to come up to my room. I said no. I told him how crappy it was of him to have used me like he did and got an all expense paid vacation out of it and had no remorse for how he treats me. He turned his back and walked away. Never looked back. I spent the night alone in a strange city waiting for dawn. He never called me at all.

 

He hasn't called me or emailed me or anything to see if I got home okay or anything.

 

Part of me knows that it is for the best. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing. Part of me wants him to call me so much, because it hurts so much to think he doesn't care or miss my presense.

 

We have had such a stormy relationship and maybe I had just become accustom to being treated not so good. You would think that after him cheating on me and lying so much I would have cut it off a long time ago right? I'm an attractive girl, and giving. Not short on male attention. So why did I put up with this for so long and why does it hurt so much now that he doesn't care about me.

 

Do you think he will have regret one day or is that just wishful thinking on my part? I imagine him out with other girls already and not feeling the sting of whats happened. It hurts so bad.

 

Does the no contact ever make ppl like him realize what they had?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Vie]

You did absolutely the right thing and I am so proud of you. I am sure everyone who is reading your story also agree.

 

 

I'm just glad you finally realized it and decided to take care of your own heart. Liars are always bad news and you deserve so much more than this crap.

 

 

Good for you Merin! It's totally his lost!

[Merin]

Thank you for taking some time to read my story Vie.

 

In my head I know I did the right thing. In my heart though I'm torn up.

 

It hurts so much that he could say he loves me, and show me differently. Not even caring if I made it back home or if I was okay, nothing.

 

I wonder if he even thinks about me.

[EC]

Oh sweetie.

 

 

That 'vacation' was torture. But it's true like you said you did the right thing and ended the cycle.

 

If he's cheated on you before and now he's lying to you about where he lives..c'mon he's no good at all.

 

Do you really want a man like that?

 

You were very strong in telling him to leave and staying by yourself. That shows a lot. Another girl would have let him back up and dealt with him just to not be alone. I'm glad you stepped up and stood your ground and showed yourself some respect.

 

You did the right thing and he sounds like a loser anyways. Your going to hurt but you'll get over it. Besides..I think u knew it was over already right?

[Papillon]

I think you were very brave to make the leap.

 

Oh, believe me, he's totally thinking about you, and kicking himself for being such a jerk. . The dumbass.

 

GOOD RIDDANCE!

[Merin]

It helps me so much just to have other ppl tell me that i'm not crazy here or expected to much.

 

It's crazy isn't it, how even when you know that nobody has the right to treat another so badly how you will seek others to tell you that you deserve better.

 

I know if this was one of my girlfriends b/fs doing this to her, I would and have told them to get the hell out and never look back.

 

It's crazy to me as well, how I know I am better off without him in my life YET still want to know that I wasn't insignificant or unimportant in his life, and of course that is exactly how I feel right now.

 

One of my gfs is going through almost the exact same thing right now as myself, and we have talked about how you don't want them to call on one hand as you know that time is the only thing that will heal you yet you want them to call and tell you that you make a difference and your presense is missed.

 

All that does is re start the cycle of the crappy relationship though.

 

Papillion, your words made me feel a little better thank you. I guess that is just what I want to believe, that he is kicking himself and having regret. That he will be unhappy without me.

 

Eternally, yeah I guess i've always known that this couldn't work out because of how he is. It's been over a year and instead of ever getting better it has only got worse. It's odd to me to think that just when I think he has found a new low, he suprises me and finds a whole new level.

 

I wonder to myself right now why after all he has done to me in this relationship that this was the one thing that I decided I couldn't let go of? God knows the cheating on me was far worse than this lie? Was this just all the emotional strength I had left? Or was it just that I felt so incredibly used after paying for this trip for us (omg spared no expense!)

[EC]

Because you were thinking with your heart.

 

You put all your little time and spared no expense to have a dream vacation with him.

 

You kept picturing him smiling you and adoring you for all your hard work and picturing you guys having the best time ever.

 

You would have wasted all that money and more just to spend time with him.

 

And what do you get when you see him....?

 

Crap and more crap and more lies and more lies.

 

It hurts.

 

I think that was just the last straw for you.

 

I think he probably does think of you but knows he messed up big time and won't call you.

 

He didn't even call you to see if you were home safe. Anything couldve happened to you and he wouldnt have even known. What is that? That's sad. Don't go back to him.

[Merin]

Eternally, you nailed it!

 

I would have spent more or given more just to spend time with him, to make him happy.

 

It is all of that and more that is the root of my anger. The money sucks for real, but more than that it is the time wasted that I can never get back. Time I really feel he stole from me.

 

I think I gave to much to him in every way. Maybe that was my downfall? That I gave to much to him and he took it for granted and didn't appreciate it? This is the same guy who didn't get me even a birthday card last month or a phone call because I had displeased him the day before.

 

It is just that feeling guess of feeling no matter what I ever did, it wasn't going to be good enough or near enough.

 

He didn't even say thank you for planning the trip or paying for it, I guess because he thinks he deserved it? Or maybe just because he expected that I should.

 

The final straw, hmmm..... LOL I keep thinking of this "I SHALL finish the game!" I know it is the only way I will ever be able to find peace within myself you know? That this will be over because I SAY IT IS.

 

Thanks girl

[ojibwaywmn]

Hey Merin2....I have been there too. Bending over backwards for my ex, thinking it will make our relationship better. It didn't. You did the right thing in breaking it off with him. He wasn't into it so why should you? I broke it off with my ex once I found out about the lies and deceit. Do I miss him? Yeah...sometimes. But I rather deal with that than his betrayals. Down the road, once the pain eases, you will see it as a lesson learned.

 

I realize now that I made it too easy for my ex, I didn't stand up for myself as much as I should have. I was basically a doormat and now learning how to handle myself in relationships better. You will too. Take care.

[EC]

He didn't even say thank you for planning the trip or paying for it, I guess because he thinks he deserved it? Or maybe just because he expected that I should.

 

YUP. He knew you were so into him. He knew he cheated on you and you were still with him so he took you for granted.

 

So know you learned A LOT from him. You gather everything you learned and you move on girl.

 

Time will heal everything and soon you'll meet a good guy that will be sitting in front of his computer planning a vacation for you.!

[Merin]

I just want to put my foot in his a$$!!!

 

LOL!

 

My dad always told me that it is human nature to walk on someone if they are allowed to. DOH! My dad was right again!

 

I know I was wrong to not stand my ground on what I really believe in. Funny to because in the start of our relationship I had straight up told him cheating on me would be a deal breaker, and like an idiot I didn't make that stick to begin with.

 

It's so wierd how the worse he was, the harder I tried? Aaaggghhhh!!!

 

Eternally, I hope you're right that someday I will have someone great in my life to return to me what I give to them. Honestly I hope one day I will be able to trust someone enough again not to hurt me and use me, i'm feeling pretty cynical right now.

 

"I SHALL FINISH THE GAME" God I hope he is misrable! ugh!

[Butterfli]

I can so relate. Today I broke up with my BF for the third time. The first was the worst. I felt like I was dying a physical death. Months would go by, he would ask for forgiveness, we'd get back together, but he wouldn't change his behavior. Today, I finally was able to release myself from him. He was as bad as your's, but anytime someone is unable to love as much as you love them, and put into the relationship as much as you, is not worth your time.

 

Today, I felt empowered. I gave him an ultimatum and he refused. It was the last straw for me. I dropped him. I thought that I would feel the same as the first time we broke up, but there was nothing. He was a jerk that didn't appreciate what he had, just like yours. Best advice I was given. Stay busy, do things that make you happy and that you enjoy. Don't be around for him to contact you because eventually he will, just to see if you are still weak for him. Take it one day at a time, the highs and the lows. One day you will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as bad. I am living proof.

 

Good luck.....Stay strong.....Love thyself

[Merin]

Butterfli, It sucks uh?!

 

I am trying to stay busy with my work and friends, things like that.

 

Of course it really helps getting positive reinforcement that I did the right thing here, and it helps a lot to hear ppl say that he will have regret later. It's so odd isn't it, that you feel like if you could just know that for sure they are as miserable as you are right now, lol it would ease my suffering sooooooo much!

 

Just like you Butterfli, this isn't the first time we've "broke up" only for the game to carry on. BUT this is the first time EVER that I haven't given into my fear and called him or emailed him, NOTHING, NADA. So I guess maybe he is getting the message?

 

It still sucks that I want him to care about me, but I know that IF he cared for me to begin with he wouldn't have done all the **** he has done to me to start with.

 

Aaaaggghhhh! It's like looking at all the time i've spent with this guy, on this guy and am faced with the reality that it was all built on lies and now it's all destroyed by the same.

 

"I shall finish the game" this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

[cherry]

Originally posted by Merin2

Butterfli, It sucks uh?!

 

I am trying to stay busy with my work and friends, things like that.

 

Of course it really helps getting positive reinforcement that I did the right thing here, and it helps a lot to hear ppl say that he will have regret later. It's so odd isn't it, that you feel like if you could just know that for sure they are as miserable as you are right now, lol it would ease my suffering sooooooo much!

 

Just like you Butterfli, this isn't the first time we've "broke up" only for the game to carry on. BUT this is the first time EVER that I haven't given into my fear and called him or emailed him, NOTHING, NADA. So I guess maybe he is getting the message?

 

It still sucks that I want him to care about me, but I know that IF he cared for me to begin with he wouldn't have done all the **** he has done to me to start with.

 

Aaaaggghhhh! It's like looking at all the time i've spent with this guy, on this guy and am faced with the reality that it was all built on lies and now it's all destroyed by the same.

 

"I shall finish the game" this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

 

 

 

hey, i am also dating a military man and this is our second time to breakup.

He also lies so much. Mix along with mental abuse, I have two childeren that hate him. Because they see how bad he treats there mom.I so badly want him back, no matter how bad he does treat me, but i am trying so hard daily to think about my childeren. It was teach them such bad lessons of life if i go back to him.My daughter is 13. So what would she learn , that mental abuse is good? I have alot of line here, just as you do. But somewhere I have to dig deep, and make it though this.

 

I hope, you hang there, you sound like a really wonderful person. YOu do deserve better.

 

What got me the most was when you talk about the vacation. And that you paid for it. I also do the same. Pay for everything.I am just not sure how I would feel , just to have a man, take me out for dinner , pay for it and respect me.

 

Here is one of my favorite sayings......

 

Because i tend to pick losers...

 

I will be down at the pond kissing the frogs, when my prince charming walks by ..........

[Merin]

Cherry, I feel for ya girl!

 

Yeah it's hard to dig down sometimes isn't it?!

 

I'm proud of you for putting your kiddos first and really yourself too.

 

You also sound like an amazing person and I hope you will find someone to treat you well, and return all you have to offer;)

 

Keep your head up!

[Evanescence]

Merin, I hear you so strongly. I've been with my bf for 5 months, we're long d as well. I've always suspected him of lying, but for some reason I just can't break up with him. Last night I actually got proof of him lying (it was a small lie, but I want to know why he lied because it was such a small thing and I dont' see why he'd care), but if he can lie about all these small things, then he must be lying about other things as well. You know when you can "just tell" that a person is lying? Ya.. that's me. My friends and family keep telling me to break up with him. Just like you I'll bend over backwards to do anything to make him happy, yet he does CRAP ALL to make me happy. It's all about him. And it hurts so much. I just don't want to deal with it anymore u know. But why can't i break up with him? I know that if I wanted someone else, I could get someone else, so that's not a worry (but however i just want a break from relationships, i've been through so much this year). And in a way i think that breaking up with him would free up my time and give me more time to get a part tmie job and focus more on my studies at school. So why can't I break up with him? I know that it's not going to work out in the end, and i know it's just going to keep getting worse and worse, but what do I do?

 

Also because of the long D thing, I don't know what to do. Do I actually drive out there to do it? Or do I tell him next time he comes down? or should i just do it over the phone? He owes me $$, and i know I wouldn't get it back if I break up with him now. So do i wait until I get it,then break up with him? I have no idea what to do! and it's so hard because i've never broken up with someone before!

 

I'm just sick of the fighting, the lies, the disrespect.....

 

I wish i could get the strength that you had and just end it. of course i would be upset if he didn't call me anymore or msg me on msn...but i got over it with my last ex.. so i should be able to get over it with him, especially since the ex was a MUCH MUCH harder situation to deal with.

 

But anyway, i admire you for what you did. Dont' back down and get urself back in the situation though PLEASE! You did a very good thing!

[Merin]

Evanesence, I feel ya girl, I do.

 

It's hard. And ya know what? That is something that REALLY pisses me off, because it shouldn't be hard at all to have it done and over with.

 

I think a lot of it comes from my hating to lose. I just hate it that I can't change things, and I feel like I failed. Some of it comes from the investment you put into someone, just the time you spent you know? All for a return of nothing.

 

It is such a mystery how someone can treat you so bad, and some how you're full of forgivness and accept so much less than you know you should out of loyalty? love? who knows!

 

He didn't contact me at all for three days. I kept thinking I was going to stop breathing at any minute. The phone would ring and I would jump, A new message in my email would appear and I was looking to see was it him? AAAGGGHHHH!!!!

 

My bf owed me money too. A lot of it actually, but even when we were together, I knew he wasn't going to pay me back, and he knew that I wouldn't ask for it because that isn't how I am.

 

So you probably won't get your money back out of your guy either...... BUT we both need to work on getting our lives back, our dignity back, control back. The money is replaceable, my time is gone and I can never get that back.

 

The thing with these kinds of relationships, is it seems they are never over. The games continue ugh! I spoke with him and asked again why did he lie. He can't or won't give me a good answer. Just says he loves me and that is all that "counts" as far as he is concerned.

 

This is the HARDEST thing i've ever done in my life. It is tearing me up...... BUT I SHALL FINISH THE GAME!

 

Sooooo hard!

 

Keep me posted girl;)