double standards...

[loredo21]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

[Pierre]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

Apologies change nothing. Do not apologize if you don't feel like it.

 

You had sex with someone's spouse. You disregarded his wife. You also disregarded your own H. NO big deal horny people think with their genitals, you are human. Your MOM was exactly like you. The two of you are alike!

 

The BW is upset at his H, but she is also upset with you. It is possible the MOM may not have cheated if you did not have sex with him.

 

However, if he is a philanderer he may have use another woman for sex, but only you know the answer to this question. Is your exMOM a philanderer?

[snowjade]

When the W says "YOU RUINED US", she projects her anger entirely on the OW. It seems to help W to get easier over it, because he was drawn into something and didn't act on his own... From the outside it is a double standard. Both have contributed to this mess, the MM like the OW.

[imperfectangel]

This is the thing that really pisses me off tbh

 

As far as I'm concerned I owe nothing to his w. he is the one that married her not me. He is the one that promised to love her forever, not me etc etc

 

I am a stranger to her - he is not

 

The blame lies with him IMO

[loredo21]

Apologies change nothing. Do not apologize if you don't feel like it.

 

You had sex with someone's spouse. You disregarded his wife. You also disregarded your own H. NO big deal horny people think with their genitals, you are human. Your MOM was exactly like you. The two of you are alike!

 

The BW is upset at his H, but she is also upset with you. It is possible the MOM may not have cheated if you did not have sex with him.

 

However, if he is a philanderer he may have use another woman for sex, but only you know the answer to this question. Is your exMOM a philanderer?

 

I do not believe he is a philanderer. I believe it was a timing thing. Both unhappy. Two young attractive people working late nights with alcohol and a lot in common. We both played the same role. As naive as I may be, for me it wasn't about being horny. As the sex wasn't even good. As many AP would describe the sex as something other worldly I was never at a point where I didn't realize how bad the sex was. I think for him sex was more of a part of it, but mostly about human connection.

[waterwoman]

Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

Sorry loredo, which 'you' are you talking about? I think you'll find a lot of 'us' don't do that. You don't see what goes on in the marital home - the blaming and anger that happens there. I suspect the WS gets a shedload of both - way more than the OP.

 

There was a thread on the infidelity forum titled 'Why blame one and sleep with the other' or something like that. There was lots of reasons given there for the way the BS handles both parties to an affair. We are all groping for solutions to the mess we are in - they aren't always pretty.

[Decorative]

Well, the majority of my anger was at my spouse's feet.

 

The AP in my sitch was not married.

 

But I would guess that any betrayed spouse would have the same basis of anger?

 

I was angry because she knew he was married.

 

I would have been angry at him no matter who he had the affair with. Because he cheated on me.

 

It would have added an extra layer of angry had he endangered another family, in addition to ours.

 

But the thing is- I guess I don't see it as a double standard- because trust me- post DDay- there is a huge amount of anger for both affair partners, and a list of reasons why. I would hope that most betrayed spouses get angry at their spouse for all the harms they know about.

 

And some betrayed spouses express that to the former affair partners. And some choose not to. But as a betrayed spouse- lemme tell you, every scenario of anger and reason why ran through my head.

[imperfectangel]

I'm not uncaring no but why should a ow/om take most of the blame? And no I don't think it should be equal either obviously there's some blame there but if I hadn't of been the ow, a different ow would've probably have been in my place

[Pierre]

This is the thing that really pisses me off tbh

 

As far as I'm concerned I owe nothing to his w. he is the one that married her not me. He is the one that promised to love her forever, not me etc etc

 

I am a stranger to her - he is not

 

The blame lies with him IMO

 

This is classical rationalization.

 

As humans we owe each other some decency whether the person is known or unknown to us. Read on the Golden Rule.

[Decorative]

I'm not uncaring no but why should a ow/om take most of the blame? And no I don't think it should be equal either obviously there's some blame there but if I hadn't of been the ow, a different ow would've probably have been in my place

 

Who is giving the AP's most of the blame? who is doing this?

[Pierre]

I do not believe he is a philanderer. I believe it was a timing thing. Both unhappy. Two young attractive people working late nights with alcohol and a lot in common. We both played the same role. As naive as I may be, for me it wasn't about being horny. As the sex wasn't even good. As many AP would describe the sex as something other worldly I was never at a point where I didn't realize how bad the sex was. I think for him sex was more of a part of it, but mostly about human connection.

 

Thinking with the genitals is just an idiomatic expression.

 

If he is not a philanderer then it is likely he would not have cheated. But, you were there at the right place and time.

 

 

No need to apologize to her, but if you were in another part of the world the MOM may not have cheated. You played a central role in this.

[Pierre]

Regarding anger: I think most betrayed wives have little anger to the single OW. The anger develops when single OW decides to hang around after d-day. If the OW disappears and rides into the sunset there is no problem.

[Owl]

I'm curious...why would it MATTER to the OW/OM if the BS blames them?

 

The OW/OM didn't care enough about the BS's feelings or views during the affair to make a difference...why should the BS's anger post affair matter?

[Decorative]

Regarding anger: I think most betrayed wives have little anger to the single OW. The anger develops when single OW decides to hang around after d-day. If the OW disappears and rides into the sunset there is no problem.

 

I would have to say- I did have more than a little anger, especially because she made the choice to involve my children, which I learned at DDay. She apologized - but then it became clear that the apology wasn't about apologizing, it was about making sure I understood how much she thought she knew about my life and my children.

 

But then she did go on to cause more trouble, so that didn't help either.

 

I am not sure I am aware of many situations where the betrayed spouse sees the OW as no problem.

[Pierre]

I'm curious...why would it MATTER to the OW/OM if the BS blames them?

 

The OW/OM didn't care enough about the BS's feelings or views during the affair to make a difference...why should the BS's anger post affair matter?

 

Many single OW and OM see themselves as upright people. So they don't want anyone to assume they have done anything wrong. It is that simple.

[Furious]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

 

 

Odd how you complain of double standards when you practiced double standards by cheating on your husband.

 

Don't you see how hypocritical this sounds.

[whichwayisup]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

His wife has every right to be angry at you. And trust me, she blames him more, she's just taken the opportunity, rightfully so, to give you crap.

 

Does your H know of your affair? Sorry, I can't remember.

 

Society sometimes comes down harder on those who knowingly get involved with someone who is married. Like they should know better.

 

Anyway, seems your beef is not about the BS in your situation but people on here.

[MissBee]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

I have to say: you don't know what she said to him/says to him about his behavior.

 

She was addressing you and your part in it...so of course the focus is going to be on you when she is talking to you. For all you know she does blame him too and when she's laying into him, that's her focus. But if she called/emailed you to talk about your part, then of course the focus will be on you.

 

The WS is definitely more responsible to the BS than the OW/OM. No doubt about that. However, that doesn't mean that there is no critique or blame to be laid at the feet of an OW/OM who knows the person is married. And again, you can't assume she doesn't give him the same or worse treatment...as you don't know.

[loredo21]

Yes H knows about the A.

I also did now see the post about apologies to every BS. Just heard about it in another post. But if it were there must have been deleted.

And yes he may not have cheated if I were on the other end of the world but i may not have cheated if he were there either. I think a lot of crappy things lead to A's. I am not saying what I did was right by any means. I am sorry and told her I was sorry and have not tried to interject myself in any of their lives since DDay. I guess my beef is with women on the board mostly that continue to bash. (not all of course there are a lot of BSs I admire but some do). I only bring up my particular situation in order to drive home the fact that it takes two to tango. I understand her anger as I understand my H's anger toward exMOM, but my H also knows that it took both of us to make the A. That I wasn't "stalked" or manipulated. I was just as aware of what I was doing as exMOM was. Perhaps it sounds hypocritical (which I am only complaining of double standards in this sense, not every double standard known to man.) Of course everything I say or do can be considered a double standard as an OW.

I am not here to ruffle feathers. I have tried to be respectful and remorseful toward BS's. (though I admit i'm not perfect) But I continue to see OW/OM not given the same courtesy.

[Pierre]

Yes H knows about the A.

I also did now see the post about apologies to every BS. Just heard about it in another post. But if it were there must have been deleted.

And yes he may not have cheated if I were on the other end of the world but i may not have cheated if he were there either. I think a lot of crappy things lead to A's. I am not saying what I did was right by any means. I am sorry and told her I was sorry and have not tried to interject myself in any of their lives since DDay. I guess my beef is with women on the board mostly that continue to bash. (not all of course there are a lot of BSs I admire but some do). I only bring up my particular situation in order to drive home the fact that it takes two to tango. I understand her anger as I understand my H's anger toward exMOM, but my H also knows that it took both of us to make the A. That I wasn't "stalked" or manipulated. I was just as aware of what I was doing as exMOM was. Perhaps it sounds hypocritical (which I am only complaining of double standards in this sense, not every double standard known to man.) Of course everything I say or do can be considered a double standard as an OW.

I am not here to ruffle feathers. I have tried to be respectful and remorseful toward BS's. (though I admit i'm not perfect) But I continue to see OW/OM not given the same courtesy.

 

Great post!

[underwater2010]

No double standard from this BW. 50/50. Just because I cannot understand how a MM/MW is an option to anyone but their spouse does not mean that I blame one more than the other.

[Spark1111]

this has been bugging me for a while. For any AP's that were MOW or MOM. I guess I don't understand. Seeing a lot of posts from BS's that do not take this part into consideration. The message I got from his W on dday was "YOU knew he was married, YOU had no right. YOU ruined our life and marriage." You You You. but...*HE* knew I was married too. Do you not expect the same behavior out of him. The one you are forgiving? Yet I am to be apologizing to ever BS out there. What of him? We are both in essence the same POS. He did everything I did. I did everything he did. Yet there is such a double standard with how I am perceived and how he is. Although a lot of you say we are 50/50 to blame, your words and actions do not show that. I would expect the same courtesy and vice versa.

 

When he posts here, he WILL get an earful.

 

Yes, the WS who is given the gift of reconciliation will most likely be put through the paces to reassure the BS that they are aware of the pain they caused by breaking our trust, having sex with another, and for me, mostly LYING and DECEIVING me.

 

I forgave her and forgot about her fairly quickly until I felt my family was again threatened....but that's another story.

 

At any rate, this bar of soap is a person with feelings who loved the same man his OW did.

 

I am not a non-entity because she didn't marry me, he did. Certainly she knew, as he did, it would be hurtful to me.

 

Why else keep it a secret?

 

Today, when you look at your H, DO YOU feel your OM was completely blameless in the harm perpetuated on you H?

 

And if yes, why?

[loredo21]

When he posts here, he WILL get an earful.

 

Yes, the WS who is given the gift of reconciliation will most likely be put through the paces to reassure the BS that they are aware of the pain they caused by breaking our trust, having sex with another, and for me, mostly LYING and DECEIVING me.

 

I forgave her and forgot about her fairly quickly until I felt my family was again threatened....but that's another story.

 

At any rate, this bar of soap is a person with feelings who loved the same man his OW did.

 

I am not a non-entity because she didn't marry me, he did. Certainly she knew, as he did, it would be hurtful to me.

 

Why else keep it a secret?

 

Today, when you look at your H, DO YOU feel your OM was completely blameless in the harm perpetuated on you H?

 

And if yes, why?

 

Wai wai wait...I never said BSs were a non-entity! I would never say that. Of course she is a person. of course I knew she was there. And it makes no difference to me if I married her or not. I should not have had it in me to hurt another person so much.

No OM was in equal amount of blame as I was. H is very understanding. We both left the other parties alone after Dday. He went to see him and W called me. After that it was over. Aside from a couple of drunken floops on my part, I wanted nothing to do with torturing anyone else more than I already had. H knows we were both to blame. He believes we both need to be forgiven, forgive ourselves, and move on. It seems there are many here that are finding it hard to move on. (I get it. It is not something you can just move on easily from, i can't either). But the Meanness is what I don't understand. The meanness toward every OM/OW because of what yours put you through. (again not everyone)

I guess maybe i am overthinking this one much too much. Everyone has the right to their feelings I guess.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm not uncaring no but why should a ow/om take most of the blame? And no I don't think it should be equal either obviously there's some blame there but if I hadn't of been the ow, a different ow would've probably have been in my place

 

I think most BS blame their WS. I think BW just wants OW to take some personal responsibility.

 

It is very true that if you had not been the OW, a different OW may have taken your place.

 

But this does not absolve your personal responsibility. Regardless of whether he had 10 affair prospects that he flirted with, YOU were the one that said yes. You are the one that volunteered yourself for his activities outside the marriage. The other 9 prospects had boundaries, you are the one that did not.

 

Yes, he is the one that cheated on her. But your actions played a huge part. Blaming you for your part, does not absolve him of his part.

 

Most people have standards and values that remain intact regardless of what others do. This "code of conduct" doesn't change based on the actions of others.

 

If a hurricane blew the doors off Wal-Mart and people start helping themselves to merchandise, that doesn't mean it's OK for me to do that. True, Wal-mart got robbed regardless of my actions, but that doesn't mean I choose be one of the theives. It's not OK for me to supply the neigborhood teens with liquor, even if they will find a way to get drunk anyway. One of my neighbors has a junky backyard. Would it be cool for me to throw my trash in his yard because it's already a mess?

 

That logic doesn't make sense to me because my behavior reflects my standards, beliefs, boundaries. The actions of others don't change that.

[Owl]

.

 

It is very true that if you had not been the OW, a different OW may have taken your place.

 

 

I've struggled with this every time I hear it.

 

If someone TRULY feels that way...what does this say about their affair relationship???

 

If they could have easily have been replaced by someone else...that means that their own role in it was negligible...that they as a person held little value in that relationship. Which really means that the relationship itself was meaningless...and why would ANYONE sign up for a meaningless relationship like that???

 

And then they still claim that the love in that relationship was as real as any other. (And I believe that it can be).

 

You can't have it both ways. It can't be a relationship in which you could have been replaced by anyone else, and yet it have been a meaningful and wonderful relationship based on love and respect.