PinkSapphire Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 So I have an interesting problem. I find myself mostly attracted to older guys; sometimes I know before it develops, sometimes I find out how old they are after. It is kind of annoying. I seek to date guys my own age or a bit on either side (I am 26); currently seeing a 28 year old, but it seems he will eventually bore me to death and I will leave. Now, I have had crushes on guys my age, younger, slightly older - but when I try to interest these guys or even go as far as suggesting they ask me out, it fizzles. Clearly they aren' t interested in me, which is confusing because they will flirt with me like crazy and even ask if I am single. Now, I will say that when I was in college, obviously everyone I knew was within good dating age, and I did get quite a bit of interest. I had some issues i needed to work on, however, and did not want to subject a bf to them (some childhood leftover crap that i wanted to resolve and grow from before adding an additional challenging relationship to my life), as well as having 3 jobs to put myself through a demanding science program. I just didn't have the time or desire to date, so I didn't. Now, however, I am established in career and have much more free time now that I am out of school. I am financially secure since I did not have to take out student loans, and have been ready for a long-term, serious, forever-type relationship since I was about 24; now, though, the guys my age are either coupled up, not ready to date (me anyway), want to marry me and have kids (I do NOT want kids, so that has broken many potential relationships up), or totally boring couch potatoes. I want someone I can connect with. I know, whine whine whine. Sorry. So for the guys I have a chance with or who show actual interest, I tend to not be attracted to the ones my age. Except for a couple of exceptions when the timing was wrong (I was in relationship, they were interested, I found them attractive but of course, bad timing), I am generally attracted to guys 13-16 years older than me, which is quite a bad age for dudes to be at. But they are the ones who seem to have an interesting life and be willing to do fun things and have interesting conversations. As an aquarius, that is important. So, what do I do? I'd much rather find someone who can grow with me, together. I don't actually want someone who has already gone through most of their adulthood. It seems better to find someone closer to your age, but I don' t know how to do this anymore. I also don't know if dating older is going to cause problems because I am looking for a partner and not to just date around for awhile (blech). I prefer to build relationships with quality people over time (including friends here, too) rather than keep meeting new people all the time and recycling through them relationship-wise. I guess I am not sure what my actual question is, but there are certain wise posters here who consistently give great advice, and i admit I am confused. Thoughts on this, I guess? Thanks!
Els Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If you were 19, I'd strongly suggest you hold off on the older guys, but you're 26. IMO that is old enough to have an inkling of what you want, plus you're experienced enough to not be taken for a ride so easily. I agree that it would be better for you to be with someone close to your age - maybe up to 5 years older or so. But if an older guy is what you genuinely want and you're going into it with your eyes wide open - why not? Personally I'm about the same age as you and the oldest guy I've ever been attracted to was 7 years older than me (fortunately nothing became of that, we would've been a crappy match). 13 years would be excessive for me. But we're all different, and there is nothing inherently wrong with what you want. 1
Sivok Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 That's actually quite common. One of my friends only was attracted to guys atleast 5 years older than her. Another of mine was 22 and dated a 42 year old. They were just into established men (both professionally and emotionally). Heck, now that I'm 26 I'm getting alot more attention from girls around the 19-21 range than I ever did in college
whirl3daway Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I have this "issue" as well. I've always chalked it up to being an 'old soul' - I go for older people in almost all aspects of my life. Most of my friends are older, every guy I've ever dated has been older... I just don't click well with people around my age (25). I don't think there's inherently an issue with wanting guys that are older. I think if you try out online dating, you might be able to find guys that are older and looking to settle down, and would be okay with not having kids as well. I find there are a lot of guys in the 29-34 age range who want to find someone serious... just a thought!
Author PinkSapphire Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Thanks, guys, I appreciate all of your perspectives. I guess I'd just prefer someone my age as that would be easier and more "natural." I am mature for my age, I suppose, but I know guys and girls who are also mature. They are just either married or on their way to that, so I guess that shows that. I am okay being single for awhile, except I realize things get harder as you get older when you eventually want to find that life partner - I want someone to love and root for, a teammate essentially. I know that sounds probably trite, but it's what I like; I don't much like going through life alone or with transient friends who eventually move away or find a life partner or just drift apart with other friends. I cherish them, of course, but the stability of a constant is really nice. I am trying to date younger, actually been spending time making that effort. Even early 30s would be an improvement. We will see what happens, doing two OLD sites, as well as asking friends for set-ups, so if I expand my circles more maybe it will become easier. Ah, who knows. I find myself about to fall for another early-40s dude I met awhile ago and just started dating. I guess I want to put a stop to it if it turns out it's a bad idea due to the age gap (it worries him, too, but after we found how well we connected he is starting to come around. I, however, wonder if I myself should also be worried about it). Anyway, thanks again, and please keep the perspectives coming. I know you guys have a wider range of experiences than I
Sivok Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I mean - don't take this as shallow, this is something my 22 year old friend told me (that's dating the 42 year old) - she was commenting that guys tend to look better with age while women's beauty tends to peak in the 20s. She really likes that he's extremely attracted to her and respectful of her(the established man aspect).
StanMusial Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Your post is confusing. Do you or don't you like guys of a certain age? You mentioned you don't want kids - you realize guys in an older age range are more likely to be divorced with kids? Also, it would be easier to find single guys in their mid twenties than in their late 30's to early 40's. I don't know where you hangout but this makes no sense.
Author PinkSapphire Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Stan, I live in a city with lots of childless, single (maybe divorced? idk) men in their 30s and 40s. It is actually more difficult to find single men my age here; they are either married, engaged, or in serious relationships. Not all, of course, but in general. It might have to do with the circles I run in, but that is what I have found. I am attracted to older guys. I want to be attracted to guys closer to my age. It probably sounds confusing because I am also confused. I wish I could find someone I was attracted to who is my age, but I am wondering if I should just go with what I feel or if that spells danger down the road. I also don't know if it means I am broken somehow or what not. I don't have "daddy issues" since I have always been close with my Dad and had a pretty good and supportive relationship with him. Same with my Mom, though for several years that got rocky as is natural wth mothers and daughters. We are great now.
mesmerized Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 From your posts it sounds like you are more attracted to older guys because you think they are more attracted to you and it's more likely they give you a chance and it doesn't fizzle out. That is true, it's always easier to date much older men because they see you as out of their league. I don't recommend women to go that route but if having a boyfriend who puts you on pedestal is a big deal for you, then go for it. 3
Els Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Ah, who knows. I find myself about to fall for another early-40s dude I met awhile ago and just started dating. I guess I want to put a stop to it if it turns out it's a bad idea due to the age gap (it worries him, too, but after we found how well we connected he is starting to come around. I, however, wonder if I myself should also be worried about it). IMO if it happens organically (ie you don't hear of said dude going around constantly seeking out women in their twenties), there is no harm in seeing where it takes you.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) I am generally attracted to guys 13-16 years older than me, which is quite a bad age for dudes to be at. LMAO since I'm 37 I'm 11 years older than you, so what your saying is in two years my life is over. Most men that age have kids by the way since you don't want them. You best bet would be to date guys in their 20's. Most of them don't have kids. Edited March 14, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If it's working out for you, it's not a big deal. There's no age of men you're "supposed" to be attracted to. 1
Robman9911 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 If it's working out for you, it's not a big deal. There's no age of men you're "supposed" to be attracted to. Agreed. Why worry about what might happen. I can tell you life is full of surprises guys your age might even disappoint you a bit.
Sugarkane Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) I can relate as I often like older guys aswell. I guess dating someone younger than me once, was so bad it kind of turned me off. But currently I'm dating a guy the same age as me. I found online dating easier to meet this type before. Edited March 14, 2013 by Sugarkane 1
Eddie Edirol Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Pink you should just keep trying the younger guys so you dont have to worry about age. Only problem with that is, many guys dont start seeing the big picture until they are 30, as far as settling down with full maturity goes. So nothing is wrong with going for guys that are 30-35 and cap it at that. Its perfectly understandable to try to mate up with a guy that has more to experience in life like you. You just have to work harder to find those guys, as you've already started.
RedRobin Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Some women in their 20's dating much older men do so because they think the age difference will shield them from being cheated on or abandoned. I hope you don't believe that OP. It's true that I've observed some guys turning themselves upside down to get a much younger woman regardless of her issues or compatibility because his need for external validation so ridiculously trumps everything else. I'd argue, that is the case for most men who do this. I saw a picture of George Clooney with his date at the Academy Awards and he just looked ridiculous. He might as well have her binky on his key ring just for emergencies... (a 'binky' is a pacifier). This characteristic all on its own makes them bad bets for anything long term... because the minute a younger, hotter version comes along, you'll be left in the dust. There is also this idea that these women are an 'old soul' or more mature than others their age, but my observation is that the reverse is true. They usually have some deep seated insecurities that would be best managed finding responsible older men for life guidance... not romance. The guys who indulge in these relationships routinely aren't there for her benefit at all... That's ok though OP. Go ahead and learn the hard way like lots of other women your age. If this thread is even a real one... which I doubt. The propaganda pitching much older men/younger women relationships get their rounds here every so often. Invariably with some guy pitching in telling her that women over 30 are washed up and promoting how older men are more attractive just because they are men. Which is really just wishful thinking from the guys hoping to turn back the clock. If that is what guys want to do, they can go exercise and get plastic surgery like women do. Or they can 'man up' and realize that no one gets a free ride and everyone ages... and just deal with it like a grownup. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I find older women just as attractive as women my own age (talking 5-10 years or so older). I'm not specifically attracted to them, but I'm not unattracted to them either. So, your feeling is fine OP.
clia Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Stan, I live in a city with lots of childless, single (maybe divorced? idk) men in their 30s and 40s. Have you dated anyone in this age bracket yet? It sounds like you just think they will be more interesting because they have more life experience. I don't think that's necessarily the case -- people who are interesting are interesting. It has nothing really to do with age. You will meet as many boring guys in their late 30s/early 40s as you will in their mid 20s/early 30s. However, this age group can be a challenge. Many are divorced -- often newly so. They are typically coming off of a relationship that started when they were in high school or college. So what do they want to do now? Play the field. Have a lot of sex. Party. Most want nothing to do with commitment, at least in the short term. Many were hurt financially due to the divorce, and as a result are bitter. They may not have extraneous money to travel or go out and do things due to the divorce. The majority will have at least one or two small children. Those who aren't divorced often have massive commitment issues, or have had their hearts broken along the way so they have a ton of baggage with relation to that. Often they are also workaholics, which explains why they never married. That said, I'm not trying to generalize -- there are normal guys out there in this age bracket. However, they are harder to find -- they tend to get snatched up pretty quickly. Guys in their mid-20s (your age!) tend to have much less baggage and issues, at least in my opinion. They just haven't had the years to accumulate the baggage yet. 1
stillafool Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I saw a picture of George Clooney with his date at the Academy Awards and he just looked ridiculous. OMG, did you see Catherine Zeta Jones and Mike Douglas??? She looked like she was with her father. He was this goodlooking distinguished older man when she married him and now he's this frail old grandpa. I hope she doesn't have a high sex drive because he doesn't look up to it.
RedRobin Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 OMG, did you see Catherine Zeta Jones and Mike Douglas??? She looked like she was with her father. He was this goodlooking distinguished older man when she married him and now he's this frail old grandpa. I hope she doesn't have a high sex drive because he doesn't look up to it. I imagine they must have some other agreement or an open relationship. You don't think Hugh Hefner is expecting his much younger girlfriends to just have sex with HIM do you? These are things a lot of younger women don't consider. The image at that moment seems appealing... but the long term consequences for HER are, or can be, pretty tragic. 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 OMG, did you see Catherine Zeta Jones and Mike Douglas??? She looked like she was with her father. He was this goodlooking distinguished older man when she married him and now he's this frail old grandpa. I hope she doesn't have a high sex drive because he doesn't look up to it. I can just imagine him with the cigar in his mouth at the end of the session going "The F*CK OF THE CENTURY!" just like in Basic Instinct 1
Author PinkSapphire Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 RedRobin, thank you for your response. I was hoping for the alternate view at some point. This man would be my fourth older bf, so i have done it before and have several guy friends of the same demographic. Not sure why everyone here is generalizing about divorces and kids, as I have stated that is not hte case. I am worried about the sex drive thing; I don't think mine is ridiculous, but it is up there, and I do worry about ten years from now. how will they look and will I still be attracted? Unlikely. Which is why I am hoping to find a guy my age or just a bit older who is interesting. The reason I don't think they are is because I have DATED multitudes of them, and they are couch potatoes, or enjoy hiking and rock climbing - rare, play video games, but are overall boring. They expect me to entertain and plan dates and generally make them laugh. I am good at that, but am also an introvert and looking for a connection. The ones that I would want are already fiance'd or married by the time they are my age (usually by 23), so the leftovers are very lazy in the social department and boring guys. anyway, thanks for all of the input. I would like to try a relationship with someone my age, so I am hoping i can find someone I can tolerate or stand for more than a few months. But I guess if I can't find that, I will just have to go with the guy I am more similar to; he enjoys fun things, and when we talk it is both of us contributing, rather than just me trying to carry the entire conversation (very difficult for an introvert to do after a few dates, let me say!)
RedRobin Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 This thread pleases me. Why? Deluding yourself into believing you have more time to find the partner of your dreams just because you are a man is a dangerous proposition. Even worse, it keeps alot of men treading water in a comfortable rut when they are younger... then, like so many men I've come across... end up churning through OLD in their 40's and beyond grasping for whatever remains of their youth.... and only THEN do they realize that all this really is a big fat myth. The truth hits everyone sooner or later. It only hits men later, well, because society hasn't conditioned them to take the hard knocks that way. In other words, you can't afford to be complacent, my dear. It would be foolish to do so.
RedRobin Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 RedRobin, thank you for your response. I was hoping for the alternate view at some point. This man would be my fourth older bf, so i have done it before and have several guy friends of the same demographic. Not sure why everyone here is generalizing about divorces and kids, as I have stated that is not hte case. I am worried about the sex drive thing; I don't think mine is ridiculous, but it is up there, and I do worry about ten years from now. how will they look and will I still be attracted? Unlikely. Which is why I am hoping to find a guy my age or just a bit older who is interesting. The reason I don't think they are is because I have DATED multitudes of them, and they are couch potatoes, or enjoy hiking and rock climbing - rare, play video games, but are overall boring. They expect me to entertain and plan dates and generally make them laugh. I am good at that, but am also an introvert and looking for a connection. The ones that I would want are already fiance'd or married by the time they are my age (usually by 23), so the leftovers are very lazy in the social department and boring guys. anyway, thanks for all of the input. I would like to try a relationship with someone my age, so I am hoping i can find someone I can tolerate or stand for more than a few months. But I guess if I can't find that, I will just have to go with the guy I am more similar to; he enjoys fun things, and when we talk it is both of us contributing, rather than just me trying to carry the entire conversation (very difficult for an introvert to do after a few dates, let me say!) Interesting people are hard to find at any age. I'd recommend volunteering or getting involved in clubs/organizations where interesting people of any age tend to congregate.
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